Human touch

[Willgracefan]

A dear college friend recently stayed the night at my house when she left we hugged. A few hours later I started to think, I rarely have human touch. I remember reading about how babies need touch in order for them to flourish. But I guess adults are different?! I go through life hardly ever touching another human. Once in a while I’ll hug and check kiss my parents goodbye but otherwise, I just life my life never touching another human. I guess I’ve been ok with this. I know I’m ace but does this mean I’m aro too??

[Guest]

I've often wondered if the treatment you received as an infant influences how averse you are to touch you are as you grow up. I was never held much as an infant ( my mom had serious issues that affected how she treated me in the first year of my life) and now I'm rather averse to touch, I very rarely hug anyone and even a high five makes me nervous. I don't necessarily think that means your aro. But it certainly means you are touch averse. That is a good question.🤔🤔🤔🤔

[Laplace]

I’m likely aro ace and I don’t really touch people a lot. It’s partly cause I’m not a particularly inviting individual (I don’t exactly come off as really huggable 😅), but also my friends aren't big on physical contact either. I don’t think it’s a “symptom” of being aro, but I tend to avoid physical contact except with family. Since I don’t really engage in it super often, I don’t really want for it too much and I don’t really know when it’s necessarily appropriate to initiate it anyway (and I got to be careful about that stuff as a guy due to all the trending scandals). Though, I do give pats on the back, high fives, and handshakes fairly readily.

[Aceyace93]

Did you find it uncomfortable to hug her and would you try to avoid contact on purpose? If not, then maybe it could be a case of you just not being in situations much where you have to have touch a person for some reason. I know thats the case with me, because I hardly ever have to touch people myself. Ill only hug family members eg parents.

[StormySky]

I'm aro ace but I'm cool with touch and I like hugs. It does p*ss me off when people touch the sides of my ribs, though.

[Willgracefan]

No, I so welcomed a goodbye hug from her, as I do with other friends. It just got me wondering in my daily life I hardly touch other people and if that was a “thing” that sexuals crave, touch 

[Juno_L]

Wanting to touch someone in a non-sexual way is often referred to sensual attraction. I don't believe that sexual, romantic, or sensual attraction dictate one another. I am very ace, fairly aro, and crave touch from family and friends. I don't think there's anything wrong with not touching others often if that is not something you feel that you need.

 

That is interesting to think about touch in infancy and childhood dictating the want/need for touch later in life. My mom basically held me for the first year of my life, so at first I thought that there may be some link. Then I remembered that my mom held me so much because I got extremely anxious and would cry when she put me down. My younger brother, on the other hand, never seemed to care too much for being held as a baby, so my mom would set him down more. We were showing a preference for amount of touch as babies, and our mom would go along with that. It could be argued though that following our lead for touch preferences furthered those preferences.

[Galactic Turtle]

I  actively avoid human touch however I do love stuffed animals though even with those I don't really... embrace them habitually. I just think they're cute so I line them up around my room.

 

I'm not sure if me being aro has anything to do with it but I guess a lack of sensual desire does make it harder to connect with people in ways that most would consider to be romantic. I still argue that romance is more of a feeling than any specific set of actions so things like touch really aren't necessary but.... I'm quite alone in that thought.

[NotPhoebe]

The most I frequently do are hugs with family or friends. For the most part I find even these small hugs hello or goodbye are uncomfortable. I'm not great with affection, it often just feels like work for me. I find that my dislike for physical contact makes it incredibly difficult to handle intimate relationships. I notice that my friends have had partners on and off throughout their lives since their early teens and I have never even been in a real relationship because I often get too overwhelmed very early on and end the whole thing. I wonder often if I am aromantic as well, but I can't seem to separate what I think I want and what I actually want. Eh, complicated stuff.

[PixleyDust✨]

I'm an aromantic asexual for the most part, and I've kind of wondered this too. Like, how much of my dislike for touch (that's not initiated by me) is my touch-phobia and how much is it my aversion to romantic contact because of my orientation.

 

OH MY GOD. 💡 

 

You guys just kind of made me realize mid-post that my huge fear of being touched might actually stem from a deeper fear of its sensual/romantic undertones and/or implications, most likely due to a combination of my lifelong social anxiety AND my aro-ace orientation. 

 

Wow, I love when epiphanies like that JUST HAPPEN. 🖤

 

*sigh* 

 

Anyways, can anybody, especially the touch-averse asexuals on this thread, at least partially relate to this? 

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

As aro ace too, I don't do a lot of touch. I hug my daughter when we meet and part, recently she has had a lovely boyfriend and I hug him as hello and goodbye too! 

[012]

Generally I'm only comfortable with immediate family, my best friend or a significant other (if I had one) touching me and even then there are limits to what I can stand.  Anyone else it makes me feel creepy and that feeling stays with me for a while afterwards.  I always get tense during haircuts and things like that too.  I guess I'm more than a little touch averse, I think it's more related to my shyness than Ace tendencies although I think all three are related to each other to some extent.  Not in a direct cause/effect way but I think they're more like manifestations of the basic shortcomings I have in dealing with others and having any sort of relationship with people.  I've been trying lately to be more outgoing (in a non-touchy way) but I don't think I'm good at it.  It's not easy to be like this.

[Mezzo Forte]

I actually get rather touch starved from time to time, especially now that I'm read as male and the touch barrier got that much stronger. That said, I can go long periods of time without human touch and function just fine, as I don't usually notice how touch starved I am until the moment someone makes physical contact with me.

 

My family is very tactile, so I'm accustomed to quite a bit of platonic touch in my life. I especially adore massages, and while I prefer to receive them, I offer them quite a bit (after establishing that it's 100% platonic) to my friends who are hurting from back/neck pain as a way to incorporate more touch into my life. I'm also starting to notice that I have a tendency to want to be more tactile with dearer friends, though that kind of sucks at the moment because I currently feel quite tactilely drawn to a friend who doesn't really care much for platonic touch.

 

That said, I can definitely say that extended romantic touch used to get really uncomfortable for me, so I don't know if I have particular limits to how much touch I can tolerate as well. I also have forms of touch that I downright dislike such as holding hands and kissing. I'd rather rest my head on someone's lap or receive a massage any day.  

[RobPal]

17 hours ago, 012 said:

Generally I'm only comfortable with immediate family, my best friend or a significant other (if I had one) touching me and even then there are limits to what I can stand.  Anyone else it makes me feel creepy and that feeling stays with me for a while afterwards.  I always get tense during haircuts and things like that too.  I guess I'm more than a little touch averse, I think it's more related to my shyness than Ace tendencies although I think all three are related to each other to some extent.  Not in a direct cause/effect way but I think they're more like manifestations of the basic shortcomings I have in dealing with others and having any sort of relationship with people.  I've been trying lately to be more outgoing (in a non-touchy way) but I don't think I'm good at it.  It's not easy to be like this.

I can relate to most of this and what others have said too.

 

I generally am not a very tactile person outside of immediate family and certain friends.

 

I know there are various reasons for this linked with me being aro-ace as well as an introvert.

 

All that being said, occasionally I feel the need for a hug with certain people and this confuses me as I'm not sure where that's coming from and is so out of both my character and my comfort zone.

 

It's helpful to know that others feel similar ways in these situations, so thanks.

[ReRe]

I'm okay with hugging family members or close friends. Like I would hug the living daylights out of these people but if they try to hug me back I'm suddenly uncomfortable. Is that an ace thing or a me thing? 

[RobPal]

23 minutes ago, ReRe said:

I'm okay with hugging family members or close friends. Like I would hug the living daylights out of these people but if they try to hug me back I'm suddenly uncomfortable. Is that an ace thing or a me thing? 

It could be an ace thing but could also be a you thing. Most likely it's a combination of both.

[awkward_pterodactyl]

Yeah I don't know if it's related to being aro or ace, but I have the same thing. I'm not necessarily aro- I haven't figured it out yet- but I'm very ace and I really don't like touch (except when rarely initiated by me). I tolerate it for the sake of my friends and family, but it just makes me generally uncomfortable. Except for cats  I agree with RobPal- could be related to sexuality or personality, probably both.