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Parents asked about marriage. I lost my false hope of finding someone.


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Im looking for some words that will help me to clear my head and brighten my mood a bit. Bit of a backstory. I discovered I wasn't into sex at all around 6-7 years ago and to this day nobody knows. Ive only ever been in one relationship when I was 14 that lasted a year, brilliant relationship and there was no pressure since we were still in school. The relationship ended for understandable reasons, but was exactly the type of relationship Im looking for now. 

 

From when I discovered I was asexual, I stopped being bothered about dating altogether to try and focus on my feelings and think about my future. I only talked and made friends with all genders hoping to find someone like me along the way. I was still a young teen, plenty of years ahead, no problem I thought. Fast forward 7 years later, I still wasnt worrying, I kind of put myself in denial over the years, but it all came crashing down for some reason this Friday night just gone.

 

My parents had a discussion with me about when Id like to get married. They werent pressuring me but wanted an update on my love life. My other two siblings are married, so you can see why Im feeling pressure. I told them that I havent found anybody yet but I still have time. They said that ideally I should be looking to get married by 30. I sat in my room that night depressed with everything turned off wondering I actually do still have time? I fell asleep some hours later. 

 

If I havent found anybody since I discovered I was asexual, how will I any time soon? Im worried not only about explaining everything to my parents if things get too late, but if theyll even understand or accept it. Im also worried about whether ill find someone in 10 years or 20, or even ever? I dont want to die alone. Why am I hurt? Im asexual. Shouldnt I just be okay with who I am?

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There are asexual dating sites, and sites like OKCupid have asexual options. The best option is just to go to meetups, meet some aces in your local area, and see if you find anyone that interests you. Take your time. There's no rush or pressure, you're parents just want what they think is best for you, and think it might happen soon because that's what happened with your sisters, so they want to be prepared , just in case.

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in finding a companion there are a lot of things we can find anxiety in. and it's ok to wear all that like a heavy coat. just remember to take the coat off when you need to!

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36 minutes ago, gisiebob said:

in finding a companion there are a lot of things we can find anxiety in. and it's ok to wear all that like a heavy coat. just remember to take the coat off when you need to!

True. I just wish I didnt have to wear it to be honest hah.

 

1 hour ago, Lichley said:

There are asexual dating sites, and sites like OKCupid have asexual options. The best option is just to go to meetups, meet some aces in your local area, and see if you find anyone that interests you. Take your time. There's no rush or pressure, you're parents just want what they think is best for you, and think it might happen soon because that's what happened with your sisters, so they want to be prepared , just in case.

I did have a look at some of those sites, but Ive never used dating sites and dont know when Im going to take the plunge, given my shy personality. Its going to be a new experience for me, however I know I will have to try my best to find the special person out there for me.

 

And I really hope that my parents are just asking to get a general idea, but they seemed to be adamant that I should be getting married by 30.

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I’m not nearly under the same pressure but there is some cause I’m the eldest son in an Asian family and one of the only guys that carry my family name in my generation (nearly all my cousins are girls). It’s sorta stereotypical and archaic but there is a pressure to get married and have kids so I can continue my name and fulfill the traditional family stuff. Relatives periodically ask me if I have a GF yet and such even though I’m probably aro ace and have zero romantic experience 😅. Take it at your own pace. 🙂 No sense rushing into something that’ll make you unhappy or uncomfortable. Don’t feel like there’s a deadline or something.

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I live with a similar issue except it is worsened by my environment. I live in a low population density area and face large distances between communities. It might sound presumptuous, but for my age, I'm different. I live a vastly different lifestyle compared to the majority of my generation and my worldviews are commonly different. I'm anti-social and mostly prefer being alone. But I am human after all, and need contact. Care reciprocated.

 

Most relationships start with underlying sexual attraction. It's only afterwards that that people start to learn if they're compatible with each other mentally. I have no sexual attraction, and so make no advances. My dislike or distrust of most people further pushes me away. And of course, curious family and onlookers question the girlfriend, or lack of one.

 

My advice to you here is that I've watched a lot of relationships in motion. I've guessed which ones would fail for certain reasons, and many times, I was right. Searching for somebody you connect with when you are an abstract outside the norm is daunting. A lot of the time, it can seem utterly and completely hopeless. You should know that being alone is a better alternative than being with somebody you aren't compatible with. That doesn't mean you'll be alone for the rest of your life, it means that you'll have to put the effort in to find ties and groups of people with similar interests that bind you together. It takes time.

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