Can't understand what I am entirely

[March]

Hey so, I already posted about this issue here before, but that post ended up being way too vague and not well thought out, so I rewrote in more detail in hope of some help.

As a kid, I never fitted in with the boys or with the girls, I always felt in between or something else.
I was always friends with either more tomboy girls (I related to them the most) or guys, I felt like I couldn't really relate to guys.
I was fine with being a girl, but I always felt like something was different about me.
When I hit puberty, I started feeling really bad, with a lot of anxiety and without the will to do anything.
Now thinking about it, everything points out to me being NB, but there is a catch that has been keeping me stuck for some time: I always feel female.
I can't describe exactly how, but there is always something in my head saying in big red letters " YOU ARE A GIRL" and my mind just accepts it as the absolute truth. If i start to question myself too much or call myself NB, this feeling comes back and makes me feel like a liar. I feel like i'm forcing myself to be NB, but inside i'm just not. I read about trans people's experiences, and a lot of it went along the lines of "Something clicked for me when I learned about the word trans". But for me, I read and read tons about it, it feels like it should click, but it just doesn't. I could try to continue life as a girl, but the problem is not even being a girl, it's having a female body AND feeling like a girl. If i had an androgynous etc body and was a girl, this would go away. (Also i don't know if this important but i'm attracted to girls, and when i'm attracted to them I don't feel like a woman attracted to other women, I can't relate to women attracted to women, I feel like something else). I'm sorry if this is too long or if i'm misusing some term or anything else. 

[Jupiter9]

There may not be a label for you but that’s okay, it sounds to me like you have an intuitive grasp on what feels right for you and what doesn’t. Just follow that 

 

try to recognise when you are trying to mould how you feel just so you can fit with a label and be wary. I understand the temptation to want to identify with a group but if it’s not true to how you feel don’t force it. 

 

Sexuality is a spectrum and you are not going to be exactly the same as anyone else. You are you and you are special. 

 

You May be female or non binary or you may be somewhere in between. 

[March]

10 minutes ago, Jupiter9 said:

There may not be a label for you but that’s okay, it sounds to me like you have an intuitive grasp on what feels right for you and what doesn’t. Just follow that 

 

try to recognise when you are trying to mould how you feel just so you can fit with a label and be wary. I understand the temptation to want to identify with a group but if it’s not true to how you feel don’t force it. 

 

Sexuality is a spectrum and you are not going to be exactly the same as anyone else. You are you and you are special. 

 

You May be female or non binary or you may be somewhere in between. 

Thank you. I have been trying to not worry so much over that, but it seems like this whole idea is just stuck on my head. I can't just sit down and relax and not think about that, i'll just end up doing something to remember that. I have no idea why it's happening but I have an idea on why I want to solve this so much. It's something that is a big part of my life (Being seen as female, people calling she/girl/miss) and something about it just feels wrong all the time when i'm reminded of it, and that happens often. I could just calm down and not care so much, but it's like there's something stopping me. 

[Angelnoir]

13 hours ago, March said:

As a kid, I never fitted in with the boys or with the girls, I always felt in between or something else.
I was always friends with either more tomboy girls (I related to them the most) or guys, I felt like I couldn't really relate to guys.
I was fine with being a girl, but I always felt like something was different about me.
When I hit puberty, I started feeling really bad, with a lot of anxiety and without the will to do anything.
Now thinking about it, everything points out to me being NB, but there is a catch that has been keeping me stuck for some time: I always feel female.
I can't describe exactly how, but there is always something in my head saying in big red letters " YOU ARE A GIRL" and my mind just accepts it as the absolute truth. If i start to question myself too much or call myself NB, this feeling comes back and makes me feel like a liar. I feel like i'm forcing myself to be NB, but inside i'm just not. I read about trans people's experiences, and a lot of it went along the lines of "Something clicked for me when I learned about the word trans". But for me, I read and read tons about it, it feels like it should click, but it just doesn't. I could try to continue life as a girl, but the problem is not even being a girl, it's having a female body AND feeling like a girl. If i had an androgynous etc body and was a girl, this would go away. (Also i don't know if this important but i'm attracted to girls, and when i'm attracted to them I don't feel like a woman attracted to other women, I can't relate to women attracted to women, I feel like something else). I'm sorry if this is too long or if i'm misusing some term or anything else. 

If you say you didn't fit with boys or with girls, that sounds like you didn't fit with (most) children generally. That in and on itself doesn't mean that it has anything to do with gender (What does gender mean?). Maybe it is about something else. For me personally, I was very socially awkward and that kept me from connecting with others. Of course, every kid has other types of interests, and maybe you don't have those interests, but that's totally ok. Doesn't mean you are something else. 

 

It sounds like you suffered from anxiety or even depression. Of course, I can't diagnose you at all, so I would first of all recommend you to maybe seek counseling for your anxiety.

Other than that, think about what you mean by feeling like a girl and having a female body. What does the fact that you have the body you do, mean to you? What do you think it means for society? And what do you mean when you say you don't feel like a woman attracted to women and that you can't relate to them? 

You have a female body, you feel like girl (I presume, a woman) and you are attracted to women. Maybe you don't relate to cultural stuff around gay women, lesbians? Or maybe you don't like how they are perceived by society?

 

Ask yourself some questions, reflect. But maybe you don't need any label. Just be yourself. You can be a woman, be tomboyish, be attracted to other women, not like your body that much (most women and girls don't), you can call yourself something else if that makes you feel better...etc. 

[March]

2 hours ago, Angelnoir said:

If you say you didn't fit with boys or with girls, that sounds like you didn't fit with (most) children generally. That in and on itself doesn't mean that it has anything to do with gender (What does gender mean?). Maybe it is about something else. For me personally, I was very socially awkward and that kept me from connecting with others. Of course, every kid has other types of interests, and maybe you don't have those interests, but that's totally ok. Doesn't mean you are something else. 

 

It sounds like you suffered from anxiety or even depression. Of course, I can't diagnose you at all, so I would first of all recommend you to maybe seek counseling for your anxiety.

Other than that, think about what you mean by feeling like a girl and having a female body. What does the fact that you have the body you do, mean to you? What do you think it means for society? And what do you mean when you say you don't feel like a woman attracted to women and that you can't relate to them? 

You have a female body, you feel like girl (I presume, a woman) and you are attracted to women. Maybe you don't relate to cultural stuff around gay women, lesbians? Or maybe you don't like how they are perceived by society?

 

Ask yourself some questions, reflect. But maybe you don't need any label. Just be yourself. You can be a woman, be tomboyish, be attracted to other women, not like your body that much (most women and girls don't), you can call yourself something else if that makes you feel better...etc. 

Thank you. Thinking about it I may have confused not fitting in with either with not fitting in general. I just felt like I fitted in with specific people. I have been going to a therapist for some time now, and she said that I did have symptoms of anxiety.

By having a female body I mean that if I had features like a flat chest (specifically a flat chest actually, though not limited to exactly) I'd feel a lot better about being a girl. I don't think a lot about what does it mean for society, in my mind this is more about me, though It may be a good idea to think about that. By saying I don't relate to lesbians, I mean that I can relate more to hetero couples (imagining that I'd have a girlfriend) instead of lesbian couples. You're right about me not needing a label, and it's not that I want a label exactly, I want to understand more about me and why I feel that way so much.

[Angelnoir]

1 hour ago, March said:

By having a female body I mean that if I had features like a flat chest (specifically a flat chest actually, though not limited to exactly) I'd feel a lot better about being a girl. I don't think a lot about what does it mean for society, in my mind this is more about me, though It may be a good idea to think about that. By saying I don't relate to lesbians, I mean that I can relate more to hetero couples (imagining that I'd have a girlfriend) instead of lesbian couples. You're right about me not needing a label, and it's not that I want a label exactly, I want to understand more about me and why I feel that way so much.

Ok, you described what part of your body you don't like. But then the question would be why? And does it make you really different from others? (Also, yes, try to think about what you think it means for society.)

(I personally wanted to have a flat chest and I know enough women who didn't or don't like having what they have.)

And, so you relate to hetero couples. But why to hetero couples? And why not to lesbian couples? (You would have a girlfriend if you were in a lesbian couple) 

I think it's good to reflect. So think about all the meanings, concepts you are using and what you think it means for others, as well. Because at the end of the day, we are also influenced by what others think and by what society thinks. 

 

[March]

11 minutes ago, Angelnoir said:

Ok, you described what part of your body you don't like. But then the question would be why? And does it make you really different from others? (Also, yes, try to think about what you think it means for society.)

(I personally wanted to have a flat chest and I know enough women who didn't or don't like having what they have.)

And, so you relate to hetero couples. But why to hetero couples? And why not to lesbian couples? (You would have a girlfriend if you were in a lesbian couple) 

I think it's good to reflect. So think about all the meanings, concepts you are using and what you think it means for others, as well. Because at the end of the day, we are also influenced by what others think and by what society thinks. 

 

I'm not exactly sure why. I guess it's because i'd like to have a more androgynous figure and in my mind that includes having a flat chest. I don't think it makes me that different, i'm sure there are people who feel the same way, it would be interesting to talk to them. When I imagine an scenario in which i'd have a girlfriend, I imagine myself as the dominant one in a hetero relationship, and in my mind, together with all the other thoughts I have, I tend link it to being the man. Now actually typing all this out, I could be some sort of tomboy. That makes sense. I'll try to think about that with more calm, and how to go about this with other people. Thank you.

[-Lex-]

Take your time figuring yourself out.  There isn't any rush.  Also you don't have to identify as anything at all right now if you feel like you can't really "decide".  Best of luck to you.   

[March]

21 hours ago, AceAlexa said:

Take your time figuring yourself out.  There isn't any rush.  Also you don't have to identify as anything at all right now if you feel like you can't really "decide".  Best of luck to you.   

Thank you. I just feel like i'm constantly uncomfortable with this and I just can't get it out of my head. Basically, I do anything and my thoughts already come back to this. I'm really not sure why. But thank you, really.

[cobyz]

Hmm...this is kinda like me...

 

I'm stuck in my questioning, too, because I don't think I feel too much like what society deems female, but everyone's always interacting with me as if I am unquestionably female, so it's proving to be very hard for me to separate myself from what society tells me. (I never had a huge problem with being female when I was younger, but I think the discomfort grew as I got older.) I've always been a kind of isolated, serious person as well--ever since I was born, really.  I don't fit in with regular girls or guys, and I find myself gravitating toward the nerdy/geeky/usually queer group--without even purposely seeking them out. My friends are mostly girls, but I think it has to do with there being some kind of unspoken rule that boys and girls socialize separately. (Also, I feel like if I do make a guy friend my family will expect me to eventually want to date him, which is a stupid notion that I don't feel like dealing with.) I'm used to being surrounded by girls, but I find that when they interact with each other in a typically girlish manner, I feel uncomfortable. Honestly, at this point it might be because I'm socially inept or super anxious or something (rather than a different gender) but who knows?

 

Currently, I don't have a label for myself because all of it seems wrong/off in a way (like you mentioned). Strangely enough, however, I do have an image of what I would prefer to be like if I could change myself right now, and what's nudging me toward considering myself nonbinary is that I wouldn't choose to look like a woman or a man. I don't really care to be a woman, and I see no point in hanging on to the woman identity as society defines it. In fact, I think it would be great to transcend gender altogether, but I don't really thinks that's going to happen anytime soon. What's kind of funny is that if I had an androgynous appearance and felt typically feminine (again, like you mentioned) I would feel better about myself, too, because then, nobody would have really perceived me to be a woman in the first place. Not sure if I'm going through a phase or not, but this general feeling has persisted since middle school, I think, and I'm almost 18. (I didn't really recognize it until 2 years ago, however.)

[March]

On 23/12/2017 at 1:32 PM, cobyz said:

Hmm...this is kinda like me...

 

I'm stuck in my questioning, too, because I don't think I feel too much like what society deems female, but everyone's always interacting with me as if I am unquestionably female, so it's proving to be very hard for me to separate myself from what society tells me. (I never had a huge problem with being female when I was younger, but I think the discomfort grew as I got older.) I've always been a kind of isolated, serious person as well--ever since I was born, really.  I don't fit in with regular girls or guys, and I find myself gravitating toward the nerdy/geeky/usually queer group--without even purposely seeking them out. My friends are mostly girls, but I think it has to do with there being some kind of unspoken rule that boys and girls socialize separately. (Also, I feel like if I do make a guy friend my family will expect me to eventually want to date him, which is a stupid notion that I don't feel like dealing with.) I'm used to being surrounded by girls, but I find that when they interact with each other in a typically girlish manner, I feel uncomfortable. Honestly, at this point it might be because I'm socially inept or super anxious or something (rather than a different gender) but who knows?

 

Currently, I don't have a label for myself because all of it seems wrong/off in a way (like you mentioned). Strangely enough, however, I do have an image of what I would prefer to be like if I could change myself right now, and what's nudging me toward considering myself nonbinary is that I wouldn't choose to look like a woman or a man. I don't really care to be a woman, and I see no point in hanging on to the woman identity as society defines it. In fact, I think it would be great to transcend gender altogether, but I don't really thinks that's going to happen anytime soon. What's kind of funny is that if I had an androgynous appearance and felt typically feminine (again, like you mentioned) I would feel better about myself, too, because then, nobody would have really perceived me to be a woman in the first place. Not sure if I'm going through a phase or not, but this general feeling has persisted since middle school, I think, and I'm almost 18. (I didn't really recognize it until 2 years ago, however.)

This is so similar to what i'm feeling. Like, uncannily similar. Now, i'm starting to identify as more NB, and when I think about it at first it seems great! But sometime later, I end up catching myself fully comfortable refering to myself as female and being female, and the feeling is so bad. Like i'm just faking it.