Demisexuality + Attraction Confusion

[somethingartsy]

Alright I'm gonna rewrite this in a better and less descriptive way.

I found the term Demisexual about 2 weeks ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I still have a lot of doubt and confusion... Most of my feelings are merged with what's "socially acceptable" and I need help to differentiate between 1. my personal desires and 2. what I've learned from the world.

 

Why can I still get turned on by suggestive photos? But then as soon as I think of sex it seems gross. Same thing for any gender (also questioning if I'm bi), as long as the photo is meant to be suggestive.

I can think of a crush and be excited by thoughts of kissing/company/hugging etc, but as soon as I think of anything more I'm repulsed. If I try to understand why, then I get extremely confused of what I want from them. I've lost absolutely all my attraction overnight a couple of times once I started questioning my desires.

 

I think I've felt attraction a couple times before, but it's faint.

 

[Kururin]

This post has been out here for 5 hours and no one has posted on it yet?

Welcome to AVEN, by the way! 

 

Now, I am heavily sex repulsed, so seeing suggestive pictures with both genders as well as sex itself imternally makes me cringe. However, we need you to specify some things so I and others can help you as much as possible! 

 

6 hours ago, somethingartsy said:

I think I've felt attraction a couple times before, but it's faint

What sort of attraction are you feeling?  I have something to help you if you need it but typing on a phone is hard so I can brimg it up if you want it.  I suggest you look into greysexuality as well which (generally, but the definition is still being debated about) means you do feel sexual attraction but it's so low that it's easily ignorable or you just experience it rarely. 

 

Now, demisexuality means to feel sexual attraction after a strong bond has been made. I'm pretty much the same but for romanroc attraction. Now, while I don't get turned on by anything (sex replused af, trust me), I did ask a similar question a few months ago which was "Why do I still feel sorta funny towards this girl? I really like her, but we sorta don't even know the other." As it turns out, I was having a small squish and that I just wanted to be friends. After I realised that, the attraction faded and I just became a good friend! It really comes down to how you think about the person. 

 

Some aces can have sex, watch porn and masturbate to take care of their libido, to take care of their partners, because it's a pastime or whatever and still feel having sex with someone in real life is unenjoyable. I think that because it's not them who's doing the act of sex (or fantasising but it's not them in the fantasy), it's less "Egh". I won't be surprised if its the same for our demisexual twins too. 

 

[somethingartsy]

Thank you for the response (finally)!! And thanks for the (first) warm welcome 

Honestly I'm wondering about grey-a vs demi, but as you'll see it's not quite simple

 

36 minutes ago, Kururin said:

Now, demisexuality means to feel sexual attraction after a strong bond has been made. I'm pretty much the same but for romanroc attraction. Now, while I don't get turned on by anything (sex replused af, trust me), I did ask a similar question a few months ago which was "Why do I still feel sorta funny towards this girl? I really like her, but we sorta don't even know the other." As it turns out, I was having a small squish and that I just wanted to be friends. After I realised that, the attraction faded and I just became a good friend! It really comes down to how you think about the person. 

So here's my story: I've been in a relationship before, and I ended it because she was so desperate and I didn't understand why. I'd talk to her all day, call her on the phone, video chat, and she still wanted more.... I now see that she wanted to be physically present. It drove me insane and literally happened every day. She'd give me this constant stream of affection and I didn't know how to respond. However, this is where it gets confusing. We did have sex, and she'd mention it all the time. I never truly desired it but I liked the closeness. I do remember that a couple times I felt this "pull" towards her, but it didn't last long. I felt closer to her if she would actually have a conversation with me, but there were times where this wasn't true either. I'd overthink my desires and the actual meaning of the relationship... I could desire anything but sex, which I just worried about what she wanted. Eventually it got to a point where she was pushing me and I saw no enjoyment in it at all... I didn't take my own desires into account, I just wanted her to stop asking for it.

 

There would be times where we weren't emotionally close, and I completely lost this attraction and saw her as a friend. This happened many times, and then she'd start nagging me for attention, but I'd respond with either "can't it wait, I'll talk to you tomorrow" or "we literally just saw each other this morning". I'd then start regretting various things... Twice this lead to me cutting her (completely) out of my life. She would ask me what's wrong and constantly apologize, but honestly I didn't know what was wrong either. Now I see this is because I didn't understand that she was attracted to me in (that) way...

 

52 minutes ago, Kururin said:

As it turns out, I was having a small squish and that I just wanted to be friends. After I realised that, the attraction faded and I just became a good friend! It really comes down to how you think about the person. 

I've definitely felt this many times before!! After I start talking to someone and become friends with them, I start thinking about if I have a crush on them, what I want, etc. In the past I've thought "psh well obviously I want sex" but now I realize this was just me trying to get out of the previous relationship, and that I just wanted something to worry about. However, as soon as I started fantasizing, my crush on them completely vanished, overnight. Thinking about them at all seemed gross! It was sooo confusing!!

 

Whew that was a lot! I don't know what else to add about sexualized media, but if anyone would like to add anything...

[somethingartsy]

bump

[LeChat]

Hi! Perhaps, your thread would have more responses from demisexuals in the "Gray Area, Sex, and Related Discussions" Forum, as it's subtitled "...come here to discover and discuss the grey area in between, demisexuality....," and there are more threads about demisexuality there.

 

This forum is specifically about questions about asexuality, so it's possible that a lack of responses might be due to the fact that more asexuals than demisexuals might hang out around in this forum because the threads are about asexuality.

 

A mod could move it there, if you'd like, so you don't have to go through the trouble of reposting your question all over again. 

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to The Grey Area.

 

TheAngel(of)Peace

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 17.12.2017 at 12:42 AM, somethingartsy said:

Alright I'm gonna rewrite this in a better and less descriptive way.

I found the term Demisexual about 2 weeks ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I still have a lot of doubt and confusion... Most of my feelings are merged with what's "socially acceptable" and I need help to differentiate between 1. my personal desires and 2. what I've learned from the world.

 

Why can I still get turned on by suggestive photos? But then as soon as I think of sex it seems gross. Same thing for any gender (also questioning if I'm bi), as long as the photo is meant to be suggestive.

I can think of a crush and be excited by thoughts of kissing/company/hugging etc, but as soon as I think of anything more I'm repulsed. If I try to understand why, then I get extremely confused of what I want from them. I've lost absolutely all my attraction overnight a couple of times once I started questioning my desires.

 

I think I've felt attraction a couple times before, but it's faint.

 

First off, you may have to establish a deep emotional bond in order to experience serious sexual long-term attraction to someone else first. Otherwise you might just get turned on by superficial short lasting thoughts without any deeper meaning behind. It might also happen quite easily actually, depending on your mood and/or given surroundings. However, graphic mental stimulation must not necessarily imply to act on sexual desire for real.

 

I'd usually find my demi libido strictly connected to fictional fantasies or suggestive real life thoughts too, although yet exclusively reserved to my significant other while my low drive would also define me as Grey-Ace at the same time but I'm not even sure whether I'd really be able to live out my urges either. It's all just in my head right now.

[roland.o]

On 12/17/2017 at 12:42 AM, somethingartsy said:

Why can I still get turned on by suggestive photos?

Because arousal is different from sexual attraction. Sexual attraction gives your sex drive a direction, it attracts you to someone specific.

 

On 12/17/2017 at 12:42 AM, somethingartsy said:

I can think of a crush and be excited by thoughts of kissing/company/hugging etc, but as soon as I think of anything more I'm repulsed.

This sounds like you're romantic, but not necessarily sexual. What you wrote about your relationship in another post also hints at gray sexual or asexual. Also, the personalities of you and your partner seem to have been kind of mismatched. So I wouldn't put too much weight on the things you didn't feel in that relationship. You might still experience them with a more compatible partner.

 

All the best to you!

[gisiebob]

upimagine two people with their arms stretched out. now we all have different lengths in arms, just little differences most of the time, but in this case imagine someone with short arms and someone with long arms. have these guys just barely touch each other and you might run into a problem: on one side the short armed person can't reach the other, but equally the long armed person has to push against the other to follow the rules: arms spread out; just barely touching. this is not a problem that only perches on the axis of sexualties. this is just and only just interpersonal cooperation. having a problem with someone trying but not managing to touch you when you are touching them informs you of your sexuality as much as it imforms you of your hair colour.

[litanies]

I can relate to this.  First of all, I also occasionally experience arousal in response to photos/etc, but like you, wouldn't actually be interested in those people.  But as @roland.o pointed out, arousal and attraction are two different things.

 

I also sometimes find someone "attractive" in a superficial way who I don't know well--by which I mean they are nice to look at, and I can imagine that if I ever found them genuinely desirable someday, their positive qualities would enhance a sexual experience with them.  But if they walked up to me and wanted to get it on before I got to know them, I'd probably feel repulsed.  If I did get to know them, it might be different.

 

 

[somethingartsy]

Alright so it's been a month, thanks everyone for the helpful responses! 

Basically I've found that I've been able to get repulsed from a sexual thought towards a crush enough, that I lose the crush on them. It's very confusing and exhausting and I seem to take it out on the person I have a crush on... I really really want to have a relationship with them and ask them out but when it gets to that point I felt like I'm being gross or that i've done something wrong. I've tried to assign less meaning on my attraction towards them but it's hard!!!

Also I've had a couple good friends that I seem to have attraction towards, I still can't tell if it's romantic or sexual, but it's at the point where sexual thoughts are no longer repulsive. It seems to be that I like looking at them but not just because they look good, it's as if it's "exciting" and more like I'd like to embarrassingly stare at someone. The interesting thing is that one of these people, I don't have much romantic attraction towards! But I'd still like to be with them.... and I feel jealousy in a different sense than you normally would I guess??

Maybe the key to all of this is to stop thinking. I have terrible anxiety and it seems to have gotten worse recently, but I've just let this concept sit in the back of my mind and I've slowly come to live with it: to use it to my advantage rather than an excuse. I don't have to force myself to feel anything, and I understand that you don't have to fit a stereotype (especially "guys will be guys"). I just wish more people knew about asexuality and that it was more accepted. My whole life I've been taught that feeling sexual feelings towards certain people is "normal" so I've pushed myself into these situations, and I alienate myself.

Thanks guys!!