Coming out problem

[cinary]

Hi guys, this post will be quite long I guess, but I'll be really gratefull if you read it anyway

 

So I'm agender and aro ace. I've been thinking lately about coming out to my mother about being agender. I have a top dysphoria and there is a very easy way to deal with it: buy a binder. And I do have money for it. So I can do that, right?

 

Well, at first I thought about coming out in a few months when I'll graduate form university. Because I didn't want to go through all of this changes with people that have known me the way I am right now for the last 3 years. But recently I realized that in my group is my best friend that have known me since we were 3 years old and she knows everything about me and is very accepting and supporting (I don't even know if accepting is the right word, because nothing changed when I came out). And I mostly spend time with two other classmates and one of them is non binary, too. And I don't care about the rest of my group. So really, my mother is the problem here. 

 

She's not transphobic, but she'll have a big problem with accepting me. A few years ago there was a series of something like educational programs and one was about trans people and my mother was all supporting and crying how parents can be so terrible sometimes to their children, but that everyone can be trans but not me (she was joking, but you know how it is). And she still sees me as a child, so I'll have to go through all of the usual stuff: it's just a phase, are you sure, you should go to the psychologist, etc. But would it be worse than what I go through right now? Not sure. And I'll have to come out one day anyway, so. 

 

And my dysphoria is worse than ever, because I have the solution at my fingertips and can't use it and it's frustrating. And I know that my mental health will improve significantly if I'll be able to be myself and it's frustrating and fucking sad that I don't do that because of my mother who should support and accept me no matter what as she always tells me.

 

But there is one more thing, what if she ask me if there is something else I want to tell her? I don't want to come out as aro ace now, because I don't need to. I don't need all of this drama and negativity right now, really. But I don't want to say no and then come out in, like, 2 years. So, well, I just don't really know what to do.

 

Thank you for reading all of this

 

Edit: Oh, and I can't really wear a binder without my mother knowing, so.

[Tortuga]

First, probe the waters. Is your mom okay with this kind of thing. Be indirect- too direct and you might accidentally get yourself into that corner before you're ready. Like, maybe mention a book or movie or something (I don't have anything on agender, but I do have a book with a main character who's genderfluid, Symptoms of Being Human) The trick once you are ready and sure of yourself is to go forward on the spur of the moment and then stick to yourself afterwards. But! Prepare yourself first. Then come out and stick to yourself, until your mom gets it. It'll be hard, but well worth the effort. Good luck!

Tortuga

[cinary]

Oh, I'm very open about my opinions, so my mom always have to listen about lgbt+ stuff, so I know quite well what she thinks about what. She's completely okay with trans people who are binary (you understand what I mean), but she's kinda sceptical about non binary ones. But even if she's okay, it's harder when it's her own child being trans, right? 

[Tortuga]

I found this cool comparison: https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/09/gender-is-kinda-like-ice-cream/ show this to her if you need help convincing her... (Like, this is preparation or something)

 

Also, to add onto my prev. post, take it slowly, this is a big thing to drop on someone. 

[cinary]

Thank you for this link, I'm sure it'll help her to understand  

[weethreequarter]

When I came out as ace, I wrote down everything I wanted to say and emailed it to my dad for a few reasons. One, with my social anxiety I get pretty flustered when I'm trying to explain things, particularly if I'm not sure how the other person will react, and two because it was a way to ensure that I could make all of my points without being interrupted or forgetting them. Finally, a bit like your mum - or what I'm reading from your posts - he's reasonably supportive of lgbt+ and more so after listening to me for the last few years on lgbt+ rights, but he comes from a background that's not exactly open to anything different and new. He came and spoke to me afterwards and it worked really well. Would writing or emailing something similar to your mum work? Making it clear, of course, that she can come and ask you further questions. You could even post links in it like @Tortuga suggested? Hope this helps!

[cinary]

@threequarters ... I haven't actually thought about it. I don't know why. I saw posts about writing letters about love and explaining things in them, but it was, well, meh to me. But I haven't thought about email and just logically writing everything down. Thank you, it'll actually help me, because my mother is prone to interrupting me and I know that I wouldn't be able to say everything I want in one conversation.

 

But I still don't know what to do if she asks about my orientation or something like that -.-" (and knowing her, she'll confuse everything and will ask)

[Falcon7]

Hi, Just read your post. Sorry that I cannot offer you any good suggestions - I'm in the pretty much similar situation actually. I'm Ace and X gender, non of my family members wants to talk about 'gender' at all. Especially my mother hates this kind of topic, and when I braved myself to bring up this topic into the conversation, she got so angry - and what is worse, she started blame herself as she believes it is something to do with her education... No way, it's just my nature and all I need is her understanding. But she does not have any ideas about gender and just avoid to come across any terms.  I just gave it up. Well, I'm just waiting for the opportunity...

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I don't feel isolated that much now. And those who posted suggestions, I want to thank you guys, too. It can be helpful for me.

Hope things go well. 

Than you.

[cinary]

Well @Falcon7, I'm happy that my post could help someone else one way or another. If you wan, I can write how it all went, when I will come out finally. But it won't happen for some time yet, because I have to prepare myself and actually figure everything out so there's as little damage as possible.

[Falcon7]

@cinary, thanks, please do keep me up-dated. Yeah of course - it is important to make plan carefully and it can be tiring sometimes. But keep it up, looking forward to hearing from you. Wishing you all the best.

[cinary]

Thank you, I really need all the encouragement I can get, because I've always knew that I'll come out one day and I was even looking forward to it, but now that I think about it being so soon, I have a minor panic attack O.O So the planing part is actually the most pleasurable part, because it engage my mind and my logical side and that's something I most definitely can do  

 

(By the way, it will be only my third time coming out and the last time was 7 years ago, because all the other times just ... happened, I guess, during conversations with my friends or something like that, so don't have experience and that's probably why I'm freaking out so much.)

[Tortuga]

This is a bit odd... I've already come out to my parents as genderfluid, but take one look at my gender bit below my profile pic in this post and you'll see that's way, way outdated. I can't believe I have to come out AGAIN.

[weethreequarter]

On 16/12/2017 at 11:11 PM, cinary said:

@threequarters ... I haven't actually thought about it. I don't know why. I saw posts about writing letters about love and explaining things in them, but it was, well, meh to me. But I haven't thought about email and just logically writing everything down. Thank you, it'll actually help me, because my mother is prone to interrupting me and I know that I wouldn't be able to say everything I want in one conversation.

You're very welcome! I always miss out points when I try to just speak about things (oh hello social anxiety!) so it was the logical thing to do for me. It's why I came out to the rest of my friends via Facebook and now I'm comfortable doing it in person. 

 

On 16/12/2017 at 11:11 PM, cinary said:

But I still don't know what to do if she asks about my orientation or something like that -.-" (and knowing her, she'll confuse everything and will ask)

Perhaps you could just say something along the lines of that you're still figuring it out, but you're not really interested in that side of things at the moment? It's not specific, but sort of semi answers her question? 

 

Let us know how it goes when/if you eventually decide to do it! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[cinary]

14 hours ago, threequarters said:

Perhaps you could just say something along the lines of that you're still figuring it out, but you're not really interested in that side of things at the moment? It's not specific, but sort of semi answers her question?

Yeah, I've been thinking about this answer, too, but I can't really do that, because when I'll decide to come out as aro ace one of the arguments that will help me is "it's not a phase, no one have a phase for a over 5 years mother". So I can't say now that I don't know, wasn't thinking about it etc. That's why I don't know what to do with it. I would have to be something that will leave the impression of me being hetero but without me lying (because that won't help me when I'll decide to come out, really. Explaining your lies is always the most complicated). 

 

14 hours ago, threequarters said:

Let us know how it goes when/if you eventually decide to do it! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I think I will, for like 99%. I like myself, I've never had any problems with my gender/orientation and people that care about me shouldn't have them either. And really, I have enough people to support me. So I think I will. But after christmas/new year, because my mother will have a hard time and I want her to have at least fun christmas. 

 

Thank you!  

[weethreequarter]

On 19/12/2017 at 1:16 PM, cinary said:

Yeah, I've been thinking about this answer, too, but I can't really do that, because when I'll decide to come out as aro ace one of the arguments that will help me is "it's not a phase, no one have a phase for a over 5 years mother". So I can't say now that I don't know, wasn't thinking about it etc. That's why I don't know what to do with it. I would have to be something that will leave the impression of me being hetero but without me lying (because that won't help me when I'll decide to come out, really. Explaining your lies is always the most complicated). 

Hmm, you could say you haven't found a label that fits you yet, although it doesn't really give the impression of being hetero. Although if you did decide to  lie temporarily - and I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, after all it's whatever you're comfortable with - when you did come out, you could explain the lie by saying that you just weren't previously comfortable coming out as aro ace until now, or you felt more comfortable doing it in stages?  As usual I'm playing devil's advocate (I've inherited my mum's love of that). 

 

On 19/12/2017 at 1:16 PM, cinary said:

 

I think I will, for like 99%. I like myself, I've never had any problems with my gender/orientation and people that care about me shouldn't have them either. And really, I have enough people to support me. So I think I will. But after christmas/new year, because my mother will have a hard time and I want her to have at least fun christmas. 

 

Thank you!  

Good for you! I know exactly how you feel, I really like being ace and because of the (in my opinion, hilarious) reasons why it took me so long to figure out who I was ace, it's never bothered me. 

 

And you're very welcome!