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I don't know anymore.


OpenMindOpenHeart

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OpenMindOpenHeart

I'm not sure where I should start.

 

My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years and have a child together. I didn't realize I was asexual until almost three years into the relationship. I've never felt sexual attraction or a desire for sex, but I made myself do it for my partners thinking that's what I was supposed to do. 

 

Now that I've come to realize that this is who I am, I've started to become less and less ok with sexual activity. I'm fine with giving, but I don't want to receive or be penetrated. I've also started noticing that I have an increasing sense of dread and anxiety when I know I won't have an excuse to avoid it, because a simple "I don't want to" just leads to arguments as does the lack of sex.

 

People I ask about this always seem to think I've experienced trauma or have something wrong with me, but I haven't and have a clean bill of health, hormones and all. They then go on to say it's because I've had a child, but I've felt this way forever, it's just now I accept myself. I understand sex is an important aspect to a relationship, but I'm at at a loss of what to do. I feel so guilty since I didn't understand myself until he was so invested in me. We've jokingly mentioned an open relationship, but he said he wouldn't because people would talk and my feelings about that happening change frequently. I'm hoping other aces can give me some perspective. What are my options? Where do I go from here? How do I get him to understand? :(

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I Honestly think that the best thing for you to do is to sit down in a calm and clear state of mind and ask your partner for an open mind. While sex or sexual activity may be a fairly large aspect in a relationship, a much bigger aspect is compromise and acceptance. If you sit down and really talk, no one deserves to feel forced or uncomfortable but I'm sure that if you keep trying to pretend it'll just end badly. Try and talk, ask for honesty and an open mind and I'm positive you'll be able to reach a peace where both partners are happy.

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Why would he think, “[your] feelings about that happening change frequently”? Do you have second thoughts about the idea? Have you guys thought about seeing a counselor together?

 

An open relationship maybe a realistic option to satisfy both parties; however, it requires a lot of communication, understanding and trust. I’ve heard of some couples establishing grounds rules like only one partner outside the marriage and that person has to be interviewed and approved by the married couple together. Moreover, the relationship is not a secret and the location, meeting times and phone numbers are exchanged between all members.

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OpenMindOpenHeart
46 minutes ago, Aulora said:

I Honestly think that the best thing for you to do is to sit down in a calm and clear state of mind and ask your partner for an open mind. While sex or sexual activity may be a fairly large aspect in a relationship, a much bigger aspect is compromise and acceptance. If you sit down and really talk, no one deserves to feel forced or uncomfortable but I'm sure that if you keep trying to pretend it'll just end badly. Try and talk, ask for honesty and an open mind and I'm positive you'll be able to reach a peace where both partners are happy.

 

20 minutes ago, Tyro said:

Why would he think, “[your] feelings about that happening change frequently”? Do you have second thoughts about the idea? Have you guys thought about seeing a counselor together?

 

An open relationship maybe a realistic option to satisfy both parties; however, it requires a lot of communication, understanding and trust. I’ve heard of some couples establishing grounds rules like only one partner outside the marriage and that person has to be interviewed and approved by the married couple together. Moreover, the relationship is not a secret and the location, meeting times and phone numbers are exchanged between all members.

Unfortunately, I have tried sitting him down and discussing it. He's just not keen on hearing it or laughs it off. I've suggested counseling, ways to maybe help me feel more comfortable, etc. He says I have to meet his needs first or why bother meeting mine :( Mine entailing a more emotional connection, quality time, and hearing words of affirmation. I feel like I'm a burden and he's only bothered dealing with it because of our child together. My ex therapist suggested I just leave, but that's not what I want at all.

 

As for my opinions changing on an open relationship, he isn't aware if that. He just isn't really into the idea and didn't believe I would be ok with it.

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13 minutes ago, OpenMindOpenHeart said:

 

Unfortunately, I have tried sitting him down and discussing it. He's just not keen on hearing it or laughs it off. I've suggested counseling, ways to maybe help me feel more comfortable, etc. He says I have to meet his needs first or why bother meeting mine :( Mine entailing a more emotional connection, quality time, and hearing words of affirmation. I feel like I'm a burden and he's only bothered dealing with it because of our child together. My ex therapist suggested I just leave, but that's not what I want at all.

 

As for my opinions changing on an open relationship, he isn't aware if that. He just isn't really into the idea and didn't believe I would be ok with it.

Unfortunate, I honestly think if he says that you have to meet his needs before he will consider meeting yours than that isn't love and really that isn't a relationship. If you really want to make it work than stand up for yourself. You are just as valid and do not need to prove yourself or force anything. Try therapy but honestly, if he continues to treat you like his sexual object that you deserve better, both you and your child do.

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12 hours ago, OpenMindOpenHeart said:

He says I have to meet his needs first or why bother meeting mine

Walk out. Or kick his arse, really hard. Whatever it takes to switch on his brain. This statement is unacceptable on every conceivable level in any serious discussion.

 

Your body is yours to give, and yours alone. If you don't want to give it, then that is so. And if he wants sex from you, then it's up to him to find some common ground on which you might be willing to meet him.

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be up for the heated, angry argument if he isn't willing to talk about this in a calm, understanding discussion. bring your own fury.

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