Relationship Blues

[Mr. Mordryd]

Hey folks! 

 

I've got a problem that's driving me nuts and I would really appreciate some help. 

So my friend and I, let's call him J, invited me to live with him back in June. We've known each other for about five years now and I've had a soul wrenching crush on him like I've never had on anyone else since we've met pretty much. But a few years ago when I confessed my feelings to him he said he wasn't into me like that and I had to deal with it even though I still want him.  When he invited me up back in June we got high together (just pot) and I swear to christ he was making kissy faces and doing all this romantic shit. I have a high tolerance and remembered the whole thing but he didn't and when he never mentioned anything the next day I didn't say anything about it. I got really annoyed because I never brought it up and it just made me feel really weird to be there and watch him so exposed and i never figured out if he liked me or not. I kept telling myself that he's not interested in me. 

 

But then weird shit starts happening. He starts dating people (I'm pretty sure he's ace because he tells me sex repulses him and he doesn't have an interest in sex like at all) and I get super jealous but I don't say anything because that's his right. It hurts, by god it fucking hurts, but I don't say anything. I get real passive aggressive and mean, though and I hurt his feelings a couple times or I think I did. We write books together and I told him I started a business writing with this girl and he gave me this look and his voice sounded like he was hurt. And I kept smoking pot (I have a pot addiction) even though I said I wouldn't and would eat his food and shit. I know I sound fucking awful and I'm god awful sorry but that shit happened and now it's done. But I kept thinking that he was trying to make me jealous by dating all those girls. He had this tone of voice, you know? Like, he didn't even seem interested in them. He never wears pants and all the sudden he is wearing pants to go on dates with these girls. And he's learning Japanese and I'm jealous of literally everything he's doing and it's driving me insane. I don't know if he's doing it to get my attention or to make me feel inadequate that he's the only person I want and he's just teasing me because I won't quit smoking weed. I don't know and it's driving me nuts. I know I should be happy for him that he's finally dating people but I keep feeling like he wants me too. He looks at me in ways other people don't and he keeps on sharing these romance songs with me. It's like he's trying to tell me that he likes me but I keep telling myself that he will never like me because he likes girls and that he would have already told me, right? It's driving me nuts. There's also other instances that I've seen him inact that just make me go "what the fuck was that?" 

 

And the stupid thing is is that when he does do those things, like when he's reaching out to me, I'm always cold and deflect his "advances". I keep sabatoguing myself so that it doesn't happen, so that even if he were flirting with me I shoot him down each time. That's the worst part. I can feel like maybe he's trying to get me and that maybe he is using all these girls as a means to get me jealous or get my attention but I keep being cold or rude. 

 

Anyway, I moved back home because the drug shit got me in trouble with money and now I can't see him. He's super busy with school so our talks are super brief. I miss him like I've never missed anyone before and I hate it. I hate falling in love and being in love with him sucks even more because he's super nice, super smart, super attractive and he makes me feel like dirt because he's so perfect. I'm a 26 year old, I feel like this is some real teenage bullshit going on. 

 

I hope this rant wasn't too confusing. I haven't told anyone IRL because I'm so emberassed by it. If anyone has any advice or two cents, throw 'em my way because I'm so fucking confused. 

 

Also, sorry for the F bombs. Please don't take down my post. 

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Mr. Mordryd. Have some cake... ! Sorry, I'm out of hash cookies ;-)

 

Are you asking for advice on whether you should take up his offer and move in with him? I'd recommend that you don't. You have serious emotional issues, and while I'm sure it could be quite intense for a while, I'm also sure that it would blow up sooner or later. But I'm a cautious person. Some people would find it acceptable to move into a situation that is likely to blow up, and just deal with the consequences. *shrug*

 

Have a look at the article mentioned here, maybe it speaks to you:

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164963-intese-sexual-atrraction/

 

All the best to you!