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Struggling Demisexual Afraid of Losing Sexual Partner


thissidewaysbox

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thissidewaysbox

Hello everyone. Terribly sorry if there's a similar thread already but I'm new here, a bit overwhelmed and in need of some help from others in the Ace community (I've got only one friend who's also Demisexual but I feel uncomfortable asking for her help on sexual intimacy).

 

My girlfriend of five years is highly sexual. She's sweet, friendly- I could go on. And though we've managed to work on several aspects of our relationship bringing us to a wonderful level of emotional fulfillment and love, we've struggled with physical intimacy almost from the beginning (I've only recently figured out part of the issue is my being Demi). She's not very secure with her physical appearance or desirability and though I've told her repeatedly that I find her beautiful and sexy, shared with her that I'm Demi and what that means, the long lasting difficulties surrounding our intimacy is wearing thin for her. Once I'm having sex with her, the anxiety evaporates, I enjoy myself, the act is comfortable for both of us. Getting there, however, is extremely difficult. I feel almost no sexual desire on a daily basis and when she suggests having sex spontaneously, I typically freeze up.

 

I've spoken to my therapist numerous times on the issue and have tried scheduling days and times for sex to help take the edge off. The problem there is... I can't seem to get myself to stick to any routines. It'll last for a few short months and then I'll forget to talk to her about days or times or I'll allow my anxiety to overwhelm me when it comes time to schedule. I actually rather like the idea of scheduling and when we were doing it regularly- when I was able to stick with it- it took a huge amount of sex-related stress off.

 

However, in tandem with the issues I have with figuring out which days to schedule, my partner has expressed distress at scheduling being a 'permanent' part of our intimacy.  She's said she's okay with it in the short term but the idea of it being a recurrent fixture is apparently not ideal. I can understand that having to schedule sex might be unromantic to sexual people, that taking the spontaneity out of it sort of runs contradictory to social expectations but I don't think I have enough of a libido to satisfy her without it. I'm amenable to unscheduled trysts once we find a way to make the scheduling- or something! God, anything- stick...

 

Tl;dr: She loves me and has said she won't leave even if we can't figure sex out but I don't want to keep her trapped in a relationship that is neglecting a huge need for her. Is there something else I should try? How have you guys managed to bridge the gap? And how have you learned to manage your anxieties regarding sex? I want to have sex with her- as I've said, I enjoy it when I'm in the act- but it's a herculean struggle reconciling my sexuality...

 

Please help.

 

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I don't like to argue with anyone's self-label, but from your description your lack of sexual desire seems more like mine, and I am straight romantic asexual - not demi. So you might want to revisit that, but of course you can ignore me about it - I'm not you, I don't know you. That's just how your post reads to me.

 

It seems to me, in any case, that she's hoping for you to become sexual, that she doesn't understand asexuality or demi-sexuality enough to understand that the lack of spontaneity might be permanent, and that insisting on a more spontaneous pattern might be putting pressure on you that strains the relationship. Maybe you can talk to her more at length about that, or suggest reading material to her.

 

I can imagine it's tough for her, if she's insecure about her body (I am too), and if she has a sort of embedded idea that her partner wanting unplanned intimacy is what is expected as normal it might feel when there's no spontaneity that it's about her, even if in her logical mind she knows that's not the case. 

 

Is there any way you can come to a happy center with that? There are many ways of helping a woman feel attractive that don't involve sex. Compliments, expressing sentiment, spontaneous gifts now and then (nothing expensive just little favors or things you think she'd like). Romance and sex are two different things, and romance can make a woman feel attractive. My spouse used to grow roses, and whenever he would work in the yard, he'd cut a flower or two for me. It was a little thing to him, he was gardening anyway, but those little gifts always made me feel so good. It can just be something you do normally, that's part of who you are, that you know she likes, and make a little gift of that.

 

Do you use any kind of a time management system, like on your computer or phone where you can put automatic repeating reminders, like for a time to schedule your time together so you don't forget?

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Hello Thissidewaysbox

 

My partner and I have been through some of the things you are describing above

 

I am a Demisexual man and she is a Sexual woman. For many years we did not understand this and during that time the communication between us would end up terrible. Studying the articles and posts at AVEN has really helped us both to develop a common language and nowadays we both do understand each other a lot better

 

if you have seen any of my other posts you will know by now that in addition to being Demisexual I also have Aphantasia.

 

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

Aphantasia makes it difficult for me to 'imagine' having sex and/or remember to do the things that might lead to sex, and I even forget the specifics of past sex experiences, and so on

 

In the past my partner took this lack of initiation as an insult, believing very wrongly, that I am not attracted to her. This is absolutely not true. I believe my partner is the most physically attractive woman in the world, and her personality is perfect for me too. In fact, with me being Demisexual and having Aphantasia it is pretty much impossible for me to be attracted to any other women in the very strong way that I am attracted to my partner

 

But anyway, although I know I love her and that I am totally devoted to her some of my behaviour in the past did not express this too well

 

As we learned about each other's perspectives regarding attraction and so on, I suddenly realised that a lot of the things I was doing could actually make my partner feel very undesirable. I was mortified when she told me this, and even more so after studying all about sexual attraction and realising the things I was doing could create confusion and insecurity within my partner

 

To remedy things we had to change a lot of things around here. And one of the most important things was that we stopped focusing on the sexual act and instead we focused more and more on making our relationship special.

 

Fun, and companionship is now our key goal. We both go out of our way to ensure the other one is happy. We invest, and we invest a lot, in living life to the full, and in a very united and romantic fashion

 

Now that we have taken the emphasis off the 'oh we have so many difficulties relating to sex' thing, what has happened is that spontinaity that my partner was so longing for comes about now all by itself in me.  It is as if now we have taken the pressure off, and instead worked more consciously on the close romantic friendship that we have always had, the special closeness we share has created an environment where spontaneous attraction is much more likely

 

I do so hope this makes sense!!!!

 

Earlier today I posted about how watching romantic movies that do not contain many sexual scenes help us bond emotionally. Sharing our lives in romantic and fun ways generally also help us grow together emotionally.

 

I am Demisexual. And this means I need a strong emotional bond to be sexually attracted to my partner. I cannot 'just do it'. But when we are romantically connected it is easy for me to do it , so to speak.

 

But getting that connection and keeping that connection requires conscious effort. And honestly, taking the pressure off me to perform spontaneously has really taken the pressure off me as a person, my anxiety about it all is much lower now, and my partner and I are really enjoying a very loving romantic and sexual relationship

 

Bye for now, and best of luck. Sorting this kind of thing out is not always as difficult as it seems. Simplicity really is the key

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ChickenPadSeeEew

Sometimes I work on a schedule in my head and surprise him, somewhat regularly, but only focus on him. So basically, I give him some spontaneous feeling attention, and do things just to him, and when he offers to then concentrate on me, I decline!  (Admittedly, my declining of his offer can be a bit disappointing to him, but less so than no sexual intimacy, I think!) 

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nanogretchen4

My recommendation is that you stick with scheduling, and make a special occasion out of the days when you are going to have sex. Do things to set a romantic mood, like dressing up, buying flowers, going on a date or having a candlelight dinner at home. Focus on quality rather than quantity, and give yourself plenty of time to feel close to her and get in the mood.

 

In between your big date nights, you may want to plan on some one sided quickies to satisfy her without your own genitals having to be involved. Maybe you could try using toys or she could try some form of assisted masturbation. Your gender is not obvious from your post, but if you are male and her idea of sex is piv you will just have to tell her that she will need to mix it up if she wants partnered sex more frequently.

 

As for spontaneity, does she want you to spontaneously initiate sex, or does she want to spontaneously initiate? If she wants you to initiate "spontaneously", no problem. Put it in your calendar as far in advance as you like, but don't tell her. It will be spontaneous as far as she knows.

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  • 3 weeks later...
thissidewaysbox
On 12/20/2017 at 9:07 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

In between your big date nights, you may want to plan on some one sided quickies to satisfy her without your own genitals having to be involved. Maybe you could try using toys or she could try some form of assisted masturbation. Your gender is not obvious from your post, but if you are male and her idea of sex is piv you will just have to tell her that she will need to mix it up if she wants partnered sex more frequently.

 

As for spontaneity, does she want you to spontaneously initiate sex, or does she want to spontaneously initiate? If she wants you to initiate "spontaneously", no problem. Put it in your calendar as far in advance as you like, but don't tell her. It will be spontaneous as far as she knows.

Thanks for responding, nano! Unfortunately, though I've told her repeatedly that I don't need reciprocation and it isn't a reflection on her skills or capabilities, she's largely adverse to assisted masturbation. It's personally something I find much easier to engage in and initiate. 

My partner suffers from some severe lack of self-confidence and though I've suggested counseling before, she has yet to try it.

I definitely like the idea of quality over quantity and will try to give it my all to our 'big date nights'. Regarding the spontaneity, she has said she has difficulty initiating sex herself (though she's not demi or ace) so I believe it's up to me. An actual physical calendar might be the key here- I was only mentally keeping track before but that crashed and burned spectacularly.

 

Again, I really appreciate your input!

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thissidewaysbox
On 12/16/2017 at 1:59 AM, Marlow1 said:

As we learned about each other's perspectives regarding attraction and so on, I suddenly realised that a lot of the things I was doing could actually make my partner feel very undesirable. I was mortified when she told me this, and even more so after studying all about sexual attraction and realising the things I was doing could create confusion and insecurity within my partner

 

To remedy things we had to change a lot of things around here. And one of the most important things was that we stopped focusing on the sexual act and instead we focused more and more on making our relationship special.

 

Fun, and companionship is now our key goal. We both go out of our way to ensure the other one is happy. We invest, and we invest a lot, in living life to the full, and in a very united and romantic fashion

 

Now that we have taken the emphasis off the 'oh we have so many difficulties relating to sex' thing, what has happened is that spontinaity that my partner was so longing for comes about now all by itself in me.  It is as if now we have taken the pressure off, and instead worked more consciously on the close romantic friendship that we have always had, the special closeness we share has created an environment where spontaneous attraction is much more likely

 

I do so hope this makes sense!!!!

 

Earlier today I posted about how watching romantic movies that do not contain many sexual scenes help us bond emotionally. Sharing our lives in romantic and fun ways generally also help us grow together emotionally.

 

I am Demisexual. And this means I need a strong emotional bond to be sexually attracted to my partner. I cannot 'just do it'. But when we are romantically connected it is easy for me to do it , so to speak.

 

But getting that connection and keeping that connection requires conscious effort. And honestly, taking the pressure off me to perform spontaneously has really taken the pressure off me as a person, my anxiety about it all is much lower now, and my partner and I are really enjoying a very loving romantic and sexual relationship

 

Bye for now, and best of luck. Sorting this kind of thing out is not always as difficult as it seems. Simplicity really is the key

Hi Marlow. I'm glad you and your partner have had some success in talking things out and finding a system that works for you! I realize that, like you said, some of my behavior may not be helping her feel desirable. She has very little confidence in herself (physically and so on) and having a partner with little to no libido is undoubtedly fueling that fire. I'd like to help her feel good about herself but I'm... hesitant on really serious sexually charged flirting (which she enjoys).

Another element that worries me is that she's let it slip she feels bitterness toward the subject of sex. I haven't had the chance to talk with her yet about specifics, but I'm deeply concerned she feels subconscious resentment toward me.

 

If I might ask, Marlow, when you had that conversation with your partner about being demisexual, did she seem to really understand or did it take her time? And did she ever express feeling resentment over the sexual side of your relationship before you managed to work it out? 

I truly deeply love this woman but I don't want to continue a relationship that hurts both of us...

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On 8 January 2018 at 1:32 AM, thissidewaysbox said:

Hi Marlow. I'm glad you and your partner have had some success in talking things out and finding a system that works for you! I realize that, like you said, some of my behavior may not be helping her feel desirable. She has very little confidence in herself (physically and so on) and having a partner with little to no libido is undoubtedly fueling that fire. I'd like to help her feel good about herself but I'm... hesitant on really serious sexually charged flirting (which she enjoys).

Another element that worries me is that she's let it slip she feels bitterness toward the subject of sex. I haven't had the chance to talk with her yet about specifics, but I'm deeply concerned she feels subconscious resentment toward me.

 

If I might ask, Marlow, when you had that conversation with your partner about being demisexual, did she seem to really understand or did it take her time? And did she ever express feeling resentment over the sexual side of your relationship before you managed to work it out? 

I truly deeply love this woman but I don't want to continue a relationship that hurts both of us...

Hi Thissidewaysbox

 

 

I am sorry to hear that you are both struggling with all this, it can indeed be very difficult. But I do pick up a lot from your posts that you and your partner really do care about each other. I just want you to know that there is hope!!!!

 

My partner and I, began, and continue, not to see one or the other as broken, nor to be blamed for the things that go wrong in the relationship

 

We chose each other a very long time ago, and whether we new certain things or not, the Demisexuality is an enormous part of my character, and the Hypersexuality is a massive part of my partners character. And unconciously, at least, I do think we chose each other because of these attributes

 

I have posted elsewhere at this site that without my current partner I am literally Asexual, no interest whatsoever towards anybody, nor porn, nothing that I recall, but whilst with this one particular person my sexual responses, thoughts, behaviour are seriously very much like a sexual, except for the fact that I remain not attracted to anybody else at all, still no porn, still nothing else, it seems

 

My partner remains hypersexual, but she herself considers that,at least to some extent, her condition is an emotional issue. And she claims that being with me helps her in many ways work on this, and she also says being commited to me helps her not venture to places that she might have done otherwise, and ended up regretting

 

The best I can say is we are each our own frequency, but as different as we are we complement each other in a zillion ways or more

 

Another way that I would word it, we are unconsciously feeding off each other's energies

 

In the past before we recognised this, the pair of us would bicker over the biggest load of nonsense. But back then we had no language, no way to communicate our seemingly opposite ways of looking at the world. AVEN has provided us with that language, but the work still continues

 

My partner, whom still has fluctuating self esteem issues, eating difficulties and self image distortions, works with a therapist for this. This is not my fault, she will tell you this, but me not getting it about the desirability thing, did not help the situation in the past. We have remedied this. One way is with the never ending photographs I take of her now. I need these because I have aphantasia, this is another thing we did not know about, and it is a massive player in the whole Demisexual thing and so on

 

I am not currently seeing a therapist for myself. My learning comes from AVEN, an Aphantasia board and a few other places on the internet. But we do still engage in couples therapy

 

At first I thought we were literally a one off. And frankly we are. There are not that many Demisexual guys, and the Aphantasia (not being able to visually fantasize in the mind etc) is pretty rare too. And all the things that go on for my partner, lots and lots of her stuff  is exclusive to her. But because we have found a therapist open minded enough to accept this between us  is real, we are rebuilding our relationship and it is now most definitely is growing in the right direction. We are closer, in trillions  of ways, than ever!

 

We attend 12 step groups, together too. My partner believes her binge eating, and some other stuff she has going on, are addictions. Me, I don't struggle too much in this area, but going to these meetings has also helped us get the communication thing together, and the 12 Steps offer a framework to work within. And these groups are free

 

Hope this helps. It is hard work, but when two people love each other they find a way. Like I mentioned earlier, now that we are dealing with the communication issues, and reducing the stress, we are both scoring much closer, romantically, sensuality, sexually and so on

 

 

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