Possibly aromantic but ...

[CinnamonBun]

I wish I could come up with the answer by myself, I really do. I am often very prideful and refuse to seek out help if I think and/or believe I can reach a conclusion on my own. However, in this case, I cannot. And it baffles me as much as it frustrates me. 

 

I will try to make this as short and clear as possible. 

 

1) Romantic bit.

I cannot feel love. I cannot become emotionally attached to people. I may develop crushes that will die as suddenly as they had been born, often leaving my then-partners heartbroken. I will tell myself that a crush = love, because I don't know what love is so I assume it's that, and when that disappears in the next few weeks or few months, well ... I know it's probably not it. And I don't mean as in, oh it's just a relationship maturing into something comfortable, I mean that I become distant, detached, even hostile, defensive, just ... cold. Especially if that person insists on emotional closeness, on me sharing things, I get ... aggressive even if I don't mean it. And it hurts me for being like this, though probably not as much as it hurts my partner. So any relationship I have ever had in my life (which have been LDR btw, I am highly antisocial and feel uncomfortable in people's physical company) have failed utterly for those reasons, and I see no point in pursuing another in the future.

 

So given I cannot feel anything more than a crush, which inevitably dies, and that love is something I do not recognize nor feel, and attachment is outright impossible for me, I can only assume I somewhat fit into the aromantic bit, right? Please, correct me on this. I have read so much and delved into terms and labels I had never heard of, yet nothing quite hits the spot. And in the end all I became was more confused about everything. 

 

2) Sexual bit

Sex has always repulsed me, and not only. I despite being touched in any way or form. Hugged, caressed, anything at all, I hate it so much. I can soldier through it, sure, but will I enjoy it? Nope. Will I want to do it again? Absolutely not. Will I push away and avoid people if I know they will want to be physically close to me? Heck yes. So far so good, right? Sex never arouses me, and I hate looking at it, it bothers me, it pisses me off even. I do enjoy seeing people solo masturbate. Gender is of no importance to me. I like seeing people pleasure themselves, alone, same way I like masturbating occasionally. Sex between gay characters in books and other works of art I often enjoy, as long as it is drawn or animated, meaning, not real. I may also aid my partner in achieving an orgasm, if they do not touch me, or kiss me, or do anything physical and/or intimate with me, and my interest in human sexuality is more clinical and science-y, rather than sexual and/or romantic. I also have no desire to have children or create a family, if that matters. 

 

Yet I do seem to crave ... partnership of some sort. I feel more than comfortable by myself, however.

 

Wow I said I'll make this short but ... ugh. Sorry. I hope I at least wrote it semi-clearly ... my thoughts tend to jumble a lot. So while I am kind of but not quite sure on the aromantic bit, what am I on the  sexual side? I feel stupid ... *shakes head* I'm sorry if this is a real pain to read. 

[FerlynnGoldbeard]

Craving partnership or companionship is basic human nature. That's what family, friends, and dogs/cats are for. You can still have a partnership or companionship without it turning into something romantic or sexual.

 

Concerning the sexual bit, having a libido, having sex, and desiring or not desiring to have sex with someone are three very different things. You can have a libido and masturbate without desiring sex. You can not have a libido at all. You can have sex without desiring sex. And you can have sex while desiring to have sex. There's no right or wrong way to feel because it's how you feel and you can't change that.

[IceHurricane]

I relate to this 100%. Everything you just said is exactly how I am. Like, I'm in awe right now from seeing how similar we are. Some of the stuff you mentioned was more when I was in high school and not so much now, but I still relate perfectly to everything you said. 

 

I consider myself aromantic, although I don't get crushes. Squishes, yes, but actual crushes no. So it is possible you might not be aro. You might be on the spectrum though. But I do believe what we have is more than romanticism. Most aromantics can love things (friends, family, pets) and get attached to people. It's one of the stereotypes that we're trying to rid of. The whole 'aromantics can't feel love' thing. That's false to most (but not all!). So I wouldn't say the whole not liking touching/can't love/can't get attached is specifically an aromantic thing, but I do believe you are aro, or at least on the aro spectrum. If that makes any sense.  

 

Now, don't get scared, but I'm actually going to see a psychiatrist soon because I believe I have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Or something like it. I do believe I have something that's causing this. It would explain the not feeling love and not getting attached to people. Also the antisocial and not enjoying others' company. Which is abnormal to most. I'm not saying you have it, or anything for that matter, but it's what I believe I have and since we're so similar we might have the same thing. Whatever it is. I have no idea what I have. I do know that I'm not 'normal' and I'm on a quest to find out what my deal is. We should chat sometime. It's nice to have someone you can relate to. 

[CinnamonBun]

1 hour ago, SecretCows said:

Craving partnership or companionship is basic human nature. That's what family, friends, and dogs/cats are for. You can still have a partnership or companionship without it turning into something romantic or sexual.

 

Concerning the sexual bit, having a libido, having sex, and desiring or not desiring to have sex with someone are three very different things. You can have a libido and masturbate without desiring sex. You can not have a libido at all. You can have sex without desiring sex. And you can have sex while desiring to have sex. There's no right or wrong way to feel because it's how you feel and you can't change that.

Ah, thank you for clarifying that. I believe in my case it's libido + self-pleasuring but nothing more than that. Not sure where that puts me on the sexual spectrum though.

 

 

1 hour ago, IceHurricane said:

I relate to this 100%. Everything you just said is exactly how I am. Like, I'm in awe right now from seeing how similar we are. Some of the stuff you mentioned was more when I was in high school and not so much now, but I still relate perfectly to everything you said. 

 

I consider myself aromantic, although I don't get crushes. Squishes, yes, but actual crushes no. So it is possible you might not be aro. You might be on the spectrum though. But I do believe what we have is more than romanticism. Most aromantics can love things (friends, family, pets) and get attached to people. It's one of the stereotypes that we're trying to rid of. The whole 'aromantics can't feel love' thing. That's false to most (but not all!). So I wouldn't say the whole not liking touching/can't love/can't get attached is specifically an aromantic thing, but I do believe you are aro, or at least on the aro spectrum. If that makes any sense.  

 

Now, don't get scared, but I'm actually going to see a psychiatrist soon because I believe I have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Or something like it. I do believe I have something that's causing this. It would explain the not feeling love and not getting attached to people. Also the antisocial and not enjoying others' company. Which is abnormal to most. I'm not saying you have it, or anything for that matter, but it's what I believe I have and since we're so similar we might have the same thing. Whatever it is. I have no idea what I have. I do know that I'm not 'normal' and I'm on a quest to find out what my deal is. We should chat sometime. It's nice to have someone you can relate to. 

Really?! That's awesome, I thought I was the only one who felt that way and I was sitting there writing this all like, man, I feel so stupid, everyone's going to think I'm weird or something, haha. It's weird. Also, another weird bit ... you mentioned schizoid personality disorder. Funny story, I took a random quiz online some people on a forum suggested, it was about disorders, and believe it or not, I scored quite high on that very disorder, alongside the antisocial bit. Hmmm. Yes, we should talk sometime! I'm really glad you can relate, it lifts a weight off my shoulders. And definitely keep me updated on your sessions with the psychiatrist. I've been to one before, got diagnosed with bipolar and ocd tendencies but it was a traumatizing experience so yeah. But kudos for you going to see one, and I'd love to hear how it went! 

[TheAP]

It seems like you may be asexual, and somewhere on the grey-aromantic spectrum. As for your desire for partnership, have you heard of a QPR (queerplatonic relationship)? It's a term for a close, exclusive relationship that's not romantic.

[CinnamonBun]

1 minute ago, TheAngel(of)Peace said:

It seems like you may be asexual, and somewhere on the grey-aromantic spectrum. As for your desire for partnership, have you heard of a QPR (queerplatonic relationship)? It's a term for a close, exclusive relationship that's not romantic.

Ah, I'm glad to have my suspicions confirmed! I was thinking the same earlier judging from what I have learned so far from the helpful comments here so far. No, I haven't heard of that, I will research it and look into it, thank you very much!

[Galactic Turtle]

Ello!

 

16 hours ago, CinnamonBun said:

I cannot feel love. I cannot become emotionally attached to people.

Just starting with this I would like to point out that aromanticism isn't by default a barren emotionless state. I love my friends and my family even though because of my touch aversion and discomfort being surrounded by people in general, distance from friends and family doesn't bother me. It actually makes me more comfortable. Despite this I still love them. It's only that my ways of expressing affection are quite different and at times has resulted in massive communication failures.

 

16 hours ago, CinnamonBun said:

I may develop crushes that will die as suddenly as they had been born, often leaving my then-partners heartbroken.

Usually crush is the manifestation of romantic attraction. I would like to point out that romantic attraction =/= being in love. It could lead to that, but I think it's rare someone ever says they're in love with their crush or in love with their new partner. They're attracted to them though and feeling out the territory. I do know that various people burn through crushes at different speeds. For example while in school I had a friend who would like a dude for a week then the next week I'd ask about it and she'd be like "no I came to my senses." The advice I usually give to those people is to not jump into romantic relationships recklessly but like.... let the feeling simmer so you can know if it's just a passing thing or not. That way no one gets their hopes up!

 

16 hours ago, CinnamonBun said:

So given I cannot feel anything more than a crush, which inevitably dies, and that love is something I do not recognize nor feel, and attachment is outright impossible for me.

Romantic relationships isn't the only type of bond that's possible to form with people. I know many feel pressure to have some sort of relationship status with a specific individual but in my book things like friendship are just as important. Of course some people are just lone wolves which is fine too!

 

16 hours ago, CinnamonBun said:

Sex has always repulsed me, and not only. I despite being touched in any way or form. Hugged, caressed, anything at all, I hate it so much. I can soldier through it, sure, but will I enjoy it? Nope. Will I want to do it again? Absolutely not. Will I push away and avoid people if I know they will want to be physically close to me? Heck yes.

Me too! I describe myself as touch averse so the friends I feel closest to and safest around.... we haven't had physical contact pretty much ever or maybe once at the beginning then they pick up on my body language and apologize. It's a bit annoying but no one started taking my boundaries seriously until I got to college. Until then I thought that telling people not to touch me was wrong. Pretty messed up how culturally that's how it's usually seen.

 

16 hours ago, CinnamonBun said:

Yet I do seem to crave ... partnership of some sort. I feel more than comfortable by myself, however.

That's pretty normal I think! I said earlier you might be a lone wolf but at the same time it sounds like you're completely overlooking friendship and skipping straight to dating. I'm absolutely comfortable by myself but if I happen upon a person I click with then we become friends and I try to nurture that friendship as much as possible.

 

As far as romantic relationships go I like to tell even my non-aro/ace friends that relationships can look an infinite number of ways. You don't have to copy what they do on TV or in movies or in songs. I think it's really all about taking notice of the people you feel comfortable with and following the relationship wherever it goes for however long it goes.

 

Since you do form crushes and.... I think are implying that you crave an exclusive partnership specifically (usually thought to be of a romantic nature) it's possible you could be in the gray area but I think the key really might be to not rush into things, really think about what you feel and what you want out of the person you're feeling something for and be good at communicating that to the other person. Right from the start you might realize you're not compatible because you're not looking for the same thing.

 

Others have mentioned things like QPR's which is helpful language but like I said before, every relationship is unique to the people who take part in it. I might only think this because I'm aro and might not "get it" but I always thought of being "in love" as a feeling rather than any specific set of actions. What really comes into play I think is the cultural connotations behind things like boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife that really don't fit a wide range of relationships just because of how narrowly we think of them.

 

But yeah! Check out grayromantic/demiromantic perhaps!

 

[Maximum]

When you claim you are, “highly antisocial and feel uncomfortable in people's physical company” is this only in the context of relationships?

 

When you say, “hugged, caressed, anything at all, I hate it so much” does this include handshakes or passing money to a cashier? Are you uncomfortable with all types of contact regardless of context?

[CinnamonBun]

2 minutes ago, Tyro said:

When you claim you are, “highly antisocial and feel uncomfortable in people's physical company” is this only in the context of relationships?

 

When you say, “hugged, caressed, anything at all, I hate it so much” does this include handshakes or passing money to a cashier? Are you uncomfortable with all types of contact regardless of context?

 

No and yes. I am beginning to realize that my behavior is nowhere near normal and that it probably doesn't have as much to do with my sexuality as it does with my mental well-being, though. 

 

___

Also, thank you so so much for everyone commenting, you're all awesome!