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Can you be Ace but like sex


Marcy.

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Okay so I struggled a long time with sexual identity. People would ask me if I was straight or gay or bisexual and I just for the life of me couldn't answer. People would talk about how they feel and I had never felt anything like that before and I still haven't. I've never looked at someone and thought about them in a sexual way. That being said I never really did or tried anything for a really long time. Anything beyond kissing was weird or gross to me all the way through high school, and I lost relationships cause I just didn't have this desire everyone else seemed to have and for a long time I felt like I was broken and I gave up dating. I enjoyed talking to people but anything beyond that was uncomfortable. It wasn't that I didn't have a sexual drive, my sex drive is actually really high which I find strange, but I just didn't feel that way towards people. It wasn't until I was in college that I met someone who I trusted enough to even try anything with and when I did I found out that I really enjoyed the act of sex even though I didn't feel attraction to the person I was having sex with. He's the only person I've ever talked with about this and sometimes it's makes a gap in our relationship cause even though I like having sex with him I'm not sexually attracted to him, and idk, is that normal for asexual people, or am I not even asexual and am something else entirely. I've never really talked to anyone about what it actually means to be asexual, it's just what I always felt I fell under. 

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Shadowstepper

This had been debated (heatedly at times) more than once, but I think the consensus is that there is nothing wrong with an asexual enjoying the act of having sex. 

 

For instance, I have no desire for sex and am not sexually attracted to anyone, but if my wife wants sex, I have no problem giving it to her and enjoying the physical sensations during the act. 

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Hmmm. This is a grey-area.

 

Generally, asexuals are folks who don't have any interest in partnered sex. This is because, if one chooses to have partnered sex with someone, then there is a reason why they chose that person and that reason is generally regarded as "sexual attraction." This can be anything from being attracted to how they look or being attracted to their personality or being attracted to the emotional bond the partners form.

 

However, if an asexual's parter asks to have sex and the asexual gets aroused and enjoys it during the act, that is not unheard of. So, the asexual wouldn't personally seek sex, but if their partner wants to have it, they would comply and then find themselves enjoying the experience. But the asexual would never ask for sex, they'd just do it when their partner wanted.

 

Also, it's ok to not know what you are. Labels are nothing more than what you use to express to others how you feel. They are useful, but every person is different and every situation is nuanced. It's ok to take time to figure out what you want, outside of a label or something else. You can go around here on AVEN and see if what asexuals feel resinates with you, or you can find other resources and try those.

 

No matter what label you choose, your experiences and feelings are valid :)

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tatomanifesto

You can like sex and be asexual! You can be sex-repulsed, sex-indifferent, or sex-favorable. It does't make you less ace.

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In my book, liking sex or just experiencing transient curiosity about it is fine or whatever, but as soon as you start pursuing sex out of your own volition and gratification (not for any sort of extraneous reasons like pregnancy) at that point you aren't really any different from a "normal" sexual person and I no longer see any point of the asexual identity.

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On 14/12/2017 at 3:43 PM, Marcy. said:

Okay so I struggled a long time with sexual identity. People would ask me if I was straight or gay or bisexual and I just for the life of me couldn't answer. People would talk about how they feel and I had never felt anything like that before and I still haven't. I've never looked at someone and thought about them in a sexual way. That being said I never really did or tried anything for a really long time. Anything beyond kissing was weird or gross to me all the way through high school, and I lost relationships cause I just didn't have this desire everyone else seemed to have and for a long time I felt like I was broken and I gave up dating. I enjoyed talking to people but anything beyond that was uncomfortable. It wasn't that I didn't have a sexual drive, my sex drive is actually really high which I find strange, but I just didn't feel that way towards people. It wasn't until I was in college that I met someone who I trusted enough to even try anything with and when I did I found out that I really enjoyed the act of sex even though I didn't feel attraction to the person I was having sex with. He's the only person I've ever talked with about this and sometimes it's makes a gap in our relationship cause even though I like having sex with him I'm not sexually attracted to him, and idk, is that normal for asexual people, or am I not even asexual and am something else entirely. I've never really talked to anyone about what it actually means to be asexual, it's just what I always felt I fell under. 

Sexual attraction feels different for different people and sadly people get waaaay too caught up on trying to figure out how it feels here, or they settle on one definition and decide that they don't feel that so they must be asexual ...but there will never be one way to define it because it's experienced so differently from person to person. I didn't start enjoying sex until I was 28 and identified as asexual until then, and I only want it with one person who I have a strong enough bond with to feel comfortable enough to want and enjoy it. This doesn't make me asexual, I'm just a sexual person who needs a particular kind of bond with a particular kind of person before I can actively want and enjoy sex!

 

The question you need to ask yourself is: If this guy completely stopped wanting sex with you tomorrow and said he never wanted anything sexual again, would you feel something fun, pleasurable, and special is missing from the relationship without it? Even if you could be celibate for him, it's more about how you feel inside. Would you miss the sex, or be 100% over the moon happy that you're not having it anymore? If you would feel something is missing, that's a sign pointing towards your innate sexuality. If you'd be just as happy without it, or actually even MORE happy without it if he didn't want it, that's a definite sign of underlying asexuality :)

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Why do you want to identify as asexual? I think people sometimes oversimplify the whole “you can be asexual and still like sex.” There becomes this misconception that asexuals are people who have sex without having any feelings for the other person just because it feels good. If I am wrong and that’s actually what people on here really want others to think an asexual is then I am the one in the wrong place. I honestly get tired of this conversation. And it pops up all the time. 

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  • 1 month later...

I am one that fits into the asexual category, but enjoys partnered sex.  The reason I still consider myself asexual is that for me the partnered sex has no connection with any level of attraction.  I only enjoy the physical pleasure of the sex itself.  Additionally i do not care for things like kissing and cuddling. The only preference I have for a sexual partner is purely health and hygiene related.  When I fantasize about sex it is all about the sex.  I never imagine who the partner is or any physical characteristics. Others have argued that since I prefer someone based on health and hygiene that I am no longer asexual because that is a preference.  I would disagree because these preferences are more of standards and really not about attraction.  I should also not that my drive is extremely low.  Even though I like coupled sex it is very rare that I have it.

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One way to look at it is to ask yourself:

 

- would I be upset if I never had sex again?

- if I was in a relationship and my partner said they never wanted to have sex again, would I be upset?

 

Sexuals will answer yes, asexuals will answer no.

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2 hours ago, Civil4life said:

I am one that fits into the asexual category, but enjoys partnered sex.  The reason I still consider myself asexual is that for me the partnered sex has no connection with any level of attraction.  I only enjoy the physical pleasure of the sex itself.  Additionally i do not care for things like kissing and cuddling. The only preference I have for a sexual partner is purely health and hygiene related.  When I fantasize about sex it is all about the sex.  I never imagine who the partner is or any physical characteristics. Others have argued that since I prefer someone based on health and hygiene that I am no longer asexual because that is a preference.  I would disagree because these preferences are more of standards and really not about attraction.  I should also not that my drive is extremely low.  Even though I like coupled sex it is very rare that I have it.

Do you mean you only use the partner as a wanking aid, and therefore are just as asexual as aces that do masturbate?

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everywhere and nowhere
On 14.12.2017 at 4:07 AM, Puck said:

Generally, asexuals are folks who don't have any interest in partnered sex. This is because, if one chooses to have partnered sex with someone, then there is a reason why they chose that person and that reason is generally regarded as "sexual attraction." This can be anything from being attracted to how they look or being attracted to their personality or being attracted to the emotional bond the partners form.

"Being attracted to the emotional bond" - or, more simply, having sex because of said bond - doesn't equal sexual attraction.

 

As for the general question - I'll pass because I'm sex averse anyway, so not the right person to ask.

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1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

"Being attracted to the emotional bond" - or, more simply, having sex because of said bond - doesn't equal sexual attraction.

True, but one can still become sexually attracted thanks to the bond. It happens frequently. A bond doesn't mean sexual attraction and choosing to have a sex if one is bonded does not mean attraction, but if one wants sex innately thanks to that bond, it is sexual attraction

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I identity as asexual because I'm not interested in anyone. Sex is something I might get round to trying one day, on the principal of "you don't know until you've tried". Don't know how I'd identity if I tried sex and really liked it - grey ace might be the most accurate, but bi/pansexual would probably increase my chances of getting a date. Not that I've ever been able to picture myself with a partner...

Would you have identified as asexual if you'd had sex before hearing about asexuality?

 

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On 2/1/2018 at 4:16 PM, Thea2 said:

Do you mean you only use the partner as a wanking aid, and therefore are just as asexual as aces that do masturbate?

Yes and Yes

 

I feel bad because it is so cold, but it is the truth for me.  It does not happen very often as it is hard to find that type of situation in a safe way.

 

 

On 2/1/2018 at 2:04 PM, Telecaster68 said:

One way to look at it is to ask yourself:

 

- would I be upset if I never had sex again?

- if I was in a relationship and my partner said they never wanted to have sex again, would I be upset?

 

Sexuals will answer yes, asexuals will answer no.

Despite my desire for coupled sex, I would not be upset if I never had it again.

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On 03/02/2018 at 5:36 PM, Civil4life said:

Yes and Yes

 

I feel bad because it is so cold, but it is the truth for me.  It does not happen very often as it is hard to find that type of situation in a safe way.

@Civil4life Thank you for your honest answer 😊 

I have had similar experiences (long time ago now), but personally for me, I prefer to label it as being sexual.  So I see myself as having acquired asexuality.

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On 14/12/2017 at 3:02 AM, Shadowstepper said:

This had been debated (heatedly at times) more than once, but I think the consensus is that there is nothing wrong with an asexual enjoying the act of having sex. 

 

For instance, I have no desire for sex and am not sexually attracted to anyone, but if my wife wants sex, I have no problem giving it to her and enjoying the physical sensations during the act. 

Does your wife know this is the case and did you tell her prior to or after the wedding?

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