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I’m apparently not ace enough


Reylaviv

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AVEN is an amazing site where people can learn about asexuality and get to know people like them.

Unless you’re me apparently

I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong at AVEN, it’s like I’m not ace enough for AVEN members standards. It feels as if I have to be a sex repulsed aro/ace to be able to be “acceptable”. Unfortunately, that’s not true. I’ve got nothing against sex, I think it seems fun and kinks are interesting. I’ve got nothing against romantic relationships either, they seem awesome, but it feels as if I’m not allowed to think that AND be asexual. It’s like some members have this standard that I just can’t reach. I’m trying to figure myself out, and some members here have honestly made things a lot harder. I got comfortable in my identity for a while but then I started to question everything again when people said that my experiences and feelings weren’t ace. I’m not saying that there’s absolutely no chance that I’m not ace, I’m just saying that it’s annoying having another member of the ace community say that you’re not part of the community. It doesn’t exactly make me feel welcomed.

I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m just annoyed and angry and upset. It doesn’t feel as if I’m ace enough for AVEN and I’m not allo enough for allosexuals. 

I’m ace, but I feel like I don’t belong in the ace community, and I simply don’t feel like I can relate to asexual sites on social media or online in general, because I’m too interested in the topic of sex.

 

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Luftschlosseule

I am sorry you feel that way, no one should feel that way.

Personally, it differs, some days I am more repulsed, some days more indifferent and some days curious, and I agree that you tend to see more of the first sort of postings around here. Another thing I don't feel good about is the fixation upon cakes - while I love the idea that everyone ace loves cake more than sex, I know that there are people who can't or won't eat cake and might feel left out because of this.
I hope that this will change. This is a relatively new community, and I think it's still changeable.

Do you have any ideas about what could help you? Maybe opening a thread for sex-curious aces, if you can't find one?

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Shahanaz Alia

hey bud! don't worry. i have questioning about my own sexuality too sometimes but im 97% confirm that i am ace. i have doubts almost every time watching sex scenes or read a very explicit graphic fanfic or book. i might be sex neutral or repulsed. i feel like im between repulsed and neutral. sometimes, i might be kinda curious, kinda neutral, and also repulsed as well. so don't listen to those people who judge you quickly like that. bcus its okay, if you think you are asexual now, because later in life, something happen, and we might become something else as well. its possible. but right now, have confidence with yourself, you're ace, my friend. not every asexuals are the same ^_^

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Shadowstepper

Honestly, one of the first things I noticed after joining was how many people post that are not like-minded, and set leaving also.

 

Eventually I did see that there are a fare amount of people that have gone through things I have, or see things the way I do. You just gotta push through the people that are negative toward your stances.

 

It's no different than facebook or any other social media. There will always be people that think you are wrong for simply being you.

 

Just be you, and try not to let the others get you too worked up.

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TBH I've not seen much of a "not ace enough" mentality here and I am sex positive. Having met a few users here (including a couple of well known AVENites), I think these elitists would be shocked at some of us. I've seen stuff posted here (and done so myself) that would make you lose your metaphorical ace card in elitist eyes.

 

It may depend on how you said stuff that may of lead to this issue, but please note that most of us aren't elitist.

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Shadowstepper
7 minutes ago, Scott1989 said:

TBH I've not seen much of a "not ace enough" mentality here

I have.

Shortly after joining I took part in a few debates where the OP insisted that since some aces are not repulsed by sex, and that some aces in fact enjoy the act, that they should not be able to call themselves asexual.

 

These posts made me leave, but another member that felt similar to how I felt continued messaging me. I came back because that member showed me there are people here that do see things the way I do. I just had to look for them and "ignore the haters", as it were.

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I don't think I have much more to add but unfortunately there are people like that in all communities. Honestly if I were you I wouldn't worry about labelling yourself if you aren't sure. I'm sure you will find interesting and accepting people in whatever community you search. However you will also find people who aren't accepting and I agree with others you just have to try to wade past them. 

 

 

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I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I can assure you that not all members on AVEN think you have to be Aro/Ace to fit in! There are sexual, demisexual, grey sexuals people on Aven, there are homo/hetero/pan/bi/aromantic people on Aven (sorry if I forget any people, I'm still not completely used to all different terminologies^^). I myself identify as heteroromantic asexual, and I'm not sex repulsed or anything, I don't mind talking about sex with my friends (though my part in the conversation mostly consists in listening!) and I if someday I have an asexual boyfriend, I'd probably compromise about sex. 

 

So I hope you don't feel alone on Aven for how you feel, we are many who feel the same way as you :) So welcome on Aven and I hope you'll meet all the great members of this community! 

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Interesting, because from reading posts on this site I often feel I’m too asexual and most actually relate more to you and push me away. 

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PixleyDust✨

If it makes you feel better, I'm an aromantic asexual (with just a sprinkle of grey) who oscillates between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed, and I still wouldn't hate on you for being romance/sex-positive. In fact, I've shared some of my own stories about various aspects of my sexuality with some other really understanding AVENites on here. Clearly, the people you interacted with have forgotten that asexuality is in itself a SPECTRUM. And a broad one at that. 

 

And they also seem to be forgetting that some people just like to use the word until they find one that fits better. Which is fine too, since we're not an exclusive group, we're a COMMUNITY. Geez.

 

Being asexual is difficult and confusing enough, let's not start drawing lines in the sand amongst ourselves. Luckily, it seems like a lot of people have your back here, including me. 

 

So don't worry, you're always ace enough here. 🖤

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Lucas Monteiro
22 hours ago, Reylaviv said:

I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m just annoyed and angry and upset. It doesn’t feel as if I’m ace enough for AVEN and I’m not allo enough for allosexuals. 

I don't know but it seems that you could be gray-asexual, you can sometimes experience sexual attraction or even enjoy sex from time to time. And there is plenty of people here who are asexual and are in an romantic relationship or love the idea of an relationship. Who said, that because you are asexual, you can't love someone or be in a relationship ? And it's normal to not feel included sometimes, and there will always be people thinking they are superior than you just because they think they fit perfectly into something. But you know what ? They are a bunch of fools, and I can't help but laugh when I see someone saying they are better than the others, and more yet when it's about a/sexuality when you can't control what you feel. But don't worry, there is a lot of amazing people here too, who can help you to understand more or try to be more welcomed into AVEN :) 

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Huh? That's a bunch of humbug. I'm sorry people have been rather unkind to you. 

 

I'm a full on sensual, girl and guy loving biromantic child who despite is sex repulsed af, I will never ever say to anyone that they're not ace because they don't see a problem with sex.. and are even sex positive! Everyone is different and that's the best part because there shouldn't be a cookie cutted standered ace criteria that you have to make sex/romance the bane of your exsistance.

 

You know what? You do you! Who cares about the haters? I like you just the way you are... and you're always welcome in the cakeirino club in my eyes. 

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 13.12.2017 at 3:25 PM, Reylaviv said:

AVEN is an amazing site where people can learn about asexuality and get to know people like them.

Unless you’re me apparently

I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong at AVEN, it’s like I’m not ace enough for AVEN members standards. It feels as if I have to be a sex repulsed aro/ace to be able to be “acceptable”. Unfortunately, that’s not true. I’ve got nothing against sex, I think it seems fun and kinks are interesting. I’ve got nothing against romantic relationships either, they seem awesome, but it feels as if I’m not allowed to think that AND be asexual. It’s like some members have this standard that I just can’t reach. I’m trying to figure myself out, and some members here have honestly made things a lot harder. I got comfortable in my identity for a while but then I started to question everything again when people said that my experiences and feelings weren’t ace. I’m not saying that there’s absolutely no chance that I’m not ace, I’m just saying that it’s annoying having another member of the ace community say that you’re not part of the community. It doesn’t exactly make me feel welcomed.

I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m just annoyed and angry and upset. It doesn’t feel as if I’m ace enough for AVEN and I’m not allo enough for allosexuals. 

I’m ace, but I feel like I don’t belong in the ace community, and I simply don’t feel like I can relate to asexual sites on social media or online in general, because I’m too interested in the topic of sex.

 

I'm really sorry for your bad experience here. Yet, I can actually relate to it, to some extent since I got sort of the same reactions on the German AVEN website while trying to talk and figure my "demisexual or ace" questioning last year. There was nothing but icy silence or rejecting comments, just as if I wouldn't be worth of being recognized. It was a very painful and frustrating experience that made me leave rather quickly but things started to change for the better once more after joining this community :)

 

There are actually so many open, supporting, inspiring people here who would never mind sharing their honest opinon or thoughts on any question you may have. Some of them also suggested that I might not be 100% ace but I never felt critized, excluded or harrassed therefore. It was more like an inspiring, helpful little nudge, to show and lead me to the right path.

 

You shouldn't listen to these negative voices but try to believe in yourself at any time or place since there will always be good and bad moments alike you'll have to face on your own sometimes. I don't want to see you leave just because of a few bad replies. Hopefully these postings will change your mind to stay with us despite all odds.

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arekathevampyre

sorry for the bad experience !!

Just be who you are and ignore the haters :)

Be comfortable and not up to their expectations (whoever they may be) ;)

we are all different , some repulsed , some not . Some aromantic , some romantic . So there is no need to worry . And the difference is what make us special . And there is no need to fit into a specific set of criteria because there is none at all :)

Though you are questioning , I don't see why you can't be part of this awesome community ?! there are so many people out there who are questioning but are part of this family !! 

I hope you'll stay though !! :)

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Last time I checked it's not a competition.  I for instance am willing to compromise in/before a relationship, but only because I'm going to throw a lot of hoops out for a lady to jump through due to my Aspbergers, and won't let sex be the final nail in the coffin for all of my relationships.  I have felt the judgement as well.

 

Keep in mind a couple of things.

 

1.  Some members are very young and come from Conservative backgrounds and are sex repulsed not only physically but also religiously.  Young people tend to have (but do not always have) a very narrow worldview due to lack of life experience.

 

2.  This is Asexual territory, most people have been on the defense constantly, and are understandably apprehensive about expanding the meaning of their orientation.

 

3.  Sexuality is fluid, heck I could be effectively Heterosexual in 15 years, you never know.  If the Asexual discriptor helps you understand yourself right now, use it.

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I actually saw a really old thread recently (which sadly I can't find again) which was about how ace elitism is not acceptable on AVEN so it does make me think that AVEN in general shouldn't have any legit form of "not ace enough" arguement.

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While I’m likely aro ace, I’m not necessarily sex-repulsed (I have no experience with it but it doesn’t seem inherently revolting to me) but I haven’t got any flak for being simply apathetic towards sex. I don’t explore every avenue of the site but I’m surprised there are people who disparage romantic aces. 

 

That being said, as with any online community, there’s gonna be good eggs and bad eggs. There’s also gonna be disagreements. Personally, I think it’s fine if there is a little conflict, but it should be civil and reasonable. People should be able to voice their opinions about something or even question others, but they shouldn’t harass someone or put them down because they feel that person isn’t “ace enough.” And, people should just keep in mind that there’s a section devoted to arguing (Hot Box) so if someone’s starting to get heated, they should go argue there.

🔥📦🔥

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PixleyDust✨

Awww, look at all these posts. I am so proud of our community right now. <3

giphy.gif

 

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On 12/13/2017 at 7:25 AM, Reylaviv said:

I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong at AVEN, it’s like I’m not ace enough for AVEN members standards. It feels as if I have to be a sex repulsed aro/ace to be able to be “acceptable”.

First of all you are as ace as you feel you are. Not everyone will agree with what ever level you land at or feel comfortable with, but that's their problem, and not yours!

 

For me, I have the opposite problem, especially with groups that are not AVEN. I get the feeling that I am at the opposite extreme - too ace for most people. It's especially frustrating when my ace-ness is not adequately described by the current definition of Asexuality, and I admit to feeling like I'm being left out. What can you do? >shrug<

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Ivy the asexy unicorn

That's not right, I really don't find anything wrong with sex. I just find that doing so myself would be extremely boring and uncomfortable but the aspect of sex or even the thought of other people doing it doesn't bother me one bit. Ace is ace with or without grace.

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I know how you're feeling. People try to make it into a competition when it's not. There is no "more ace" than another. If you consider yourself asexual, then you're asexual. That's literally all it is. I watch porn, I have (and enjoy) sex, I masturbate, I'm interested in kink, and I think about sex a lot. None of this makes me 'less asexual' than any other ace here. There is no 'right' way to be ace. You just be who you are and you're fine. Some people need to realize that, and I'm sorry you had to deal with the ones who don't. You are 100% ace. Remember that. It's not a competition. You belong here, just like I do and anyone else does. 

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Interesting, because from reading posts on this site I often feel I’m too asexual and most actually relate more to you and push me away. 

This.  I wouldn't say that I've felt "pushed away" though, but definitely have experienced the disappointment of feeling like I'd finally found a community of people who felt just as disconnected from anything sexual like I did... except no, a good chunk of them still do experience sexuality, just not in the form of being *attracted* to others, so it's still not quite the same.

 

In some ways, it still has felt like I haven't really found "my" community.

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On 12/13/2017 at 8:25 AM, Reylaviv said:

AVEN is an amazing site where people can learn about asexuality and get to know people like them.

Unless you’re me apparently

I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong at AVEN, it’s like I’m not ace enough for AVEN members standards. It feels as if I have to be a sex repulsed aro/ace to be able to be “acceptable”. Unfortunately, that’s not true. I’ve got nothing against sex, I think it seems fun and kinks are interesting. I’ve got nothing against romantic relationships either, they seem awesome, but it feels as if I’m not allowed to think that AND be asexual. It’s like some members have this standard that I just can’t reach. I’m trying to figure myself out, and some members here have honestly made things a lot harder. I got comfortable in my identity for a while but then I started to question everything again when people said that my experiences and feelings weren’t ace. I’m not saying that there’s absolutely no chance that I’m not ace, I’m just saying that it’s annoying having another member of the ace community say that you’re not part of the community. It doesn’t exactly make me feel welcomed.

I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m just annoyed and angry and upset. It doesn’t feel as if I’m ace enough for AVEN and I’m not allo enough for allosexuals. 

I’m ace, but I feel like I don’t belong in the ace community, and I simply don’t feel like I can relate to asexual sites on social media or online in general, because I’m too interested in the topic of sex.

 

Hey that sucks. I'm sorry you've had that experience. Hopefully it's just been a few unpleasant experiences and not all you've encountered. Have you found the gray asexual part of this site? Maybe they will be more understanding? I've been on here for  quite a few months and I consider

myself a sex neutral gray asexual and no one has given me a hard time about it yet. I have no desire for sex but I can have it and enjoy it once it's happening, I would just rather be doing anything else. But I have a sexual partner so since I don't hate sex or am not repulsed, I compromise. And have it with him from time to time. Also I've had what I think was sexual attraction about three times in my life and that was it so I'm not sure what's up with that. Anyhow, good luck on here and feel free to write me any time you feel not accepted here and want to talk.

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