Difficulty Reconciling my Asexual Identity with my Sexual Past

[kam_erdgeist]

Hi, I've been really struggling with my sexuality recently, mainly questioning whether or not the graysexual label I've used for the past two years is accurate or if it's something else. While I've identified myself as a homoromantic graysexual to people in my life, it isn't something I've really talked about in detail. Nor have I met other people on the asexual spectrum who I engage in a dialogue about it. If anyone had similar experiences or perspective and support I would really appreciate it. I'm sorry if this is a bit lengthy but I've been analyzing my past for a long time in this regard:

 

As a kid and in my teen years I never felt sexual attraction for anyone. I did have emotional attachments and crushes on one of my close friends but that never amounted to anything. I also was dealing with severe anxiety, depression and BDD since I was a kid. I felt unlovable and hideous. I remember times when 'friends' would make jokes about me saying they wish I were normal and sexual which made me feel even more ostracized. Once I came out as gay at 20, people often asked me why it took so long to which I'd respond, "I didn't even realize I could be attracted to others because I was too busy hating myself". That had more to do with my depression and self-depricating behaviors though. 

 

I initially identified as gay because I found myself attracted to other men, but this was predominantly romantic and aesthetic. In fact the only person I've ever really had a romantic crush on I never had the courage to act on. I was attracted to their confidence, style, intellect, aesthetic and talent. Yet at that time I didn't understand the difference so I would have sex whenever a partner initiated it. There seemed to be so many resulting side effects I liked about it. It made me feel momentarily attractive, it made me feel socially normal and accepted; however, the number of times I felt sexual gratification from intercourse can be counted on one hand after 4 years of at least 1 sexual partner each month. There were often times I would consciously use casual sex as a form of self-harm. I had voices in my head telling me how worthless and undeserving of respect I was, so I'd then look for sex with people who were rude and saw me as just an object. Obviously this was very unhealthy and harmful sexual behavior since even at the time I identified it as a way to hurt myself. 

 

In my early 20s, my anxiety continued to get worse and worse, and my Obsessive Compulsive Spectrum disorder really began to expand beyond BDD to include a lot more types of OCD. After I attempted suicide at 23, I went into intensive therapy and tried to figure out how I could move forward with my life and manage my mental health since the track I was on while seemingly successful from an outside perspective left me incredibly depressed and miserable constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Once I moved and got a job and began to feel more grounded again, I had a lot of shame about how off track I was from the future I had been told to want since I was a kid and I looked to finding a relationship to feel like I had at least one aspect of my life that was on track. I'd pretty much date whoever asked, and whether or not I found a person attractive or not I'd have sex if they pursued it and no matter what it didn't change how I felt about it. I just felt apathetic about sex with anyone, but the consequences of it seemed worth it. People's sexual attraction to me was also a means for me to meet new people since I have really bad social anxiety and have difficulty in crowded places like gay bars. It was a way for people to try and engage with me one on one and it made me feel normal. I ended up dating someone for 3 months and my lack of sexual attraction never changed even though I was romantically attracted to him. I enjoyed cuddling and making out sometimes, and other times the idea of being touched was horrible. It was also during this period of time when a stranger attempted to rape me. Suddenly all the feelings of social acceptance I'd get from sex were replace by flashbacks and pain. 

 

After a while I began exploring the idea of sexual fantasies which I could find arousing. I'd use hook-up apps exclusively to chat and it felt more like erotica or pornography than anything real. I felt like I was playing a character, mirroring the person's own desires back to them to make myself an ideal for what they wanted. I was always up front with only wanting to have erotic conversation. This I did find arousing, but I never really had a desire to meet. The idea of meeting actually would make me panic and almost have an anxiety attack. Yet people would push and push to the point where I'd sometimes cave and agree to a date or sex. It was on one of these dates where I was raped and again felt like I lost complete control of my sexual identity. For a year after that I met a few men who I was emotionally attracted to and attempted a relationship with, but it would never work out. Once I would explain that I was a rape survivor they'd often end up losing interest shortly thereafter. 

 

After a year I began identifying as a homoromantic graysexual, but still felt like the only avenues available for me were those used by homosexuals, especially since my social anxiety made meeting people at parties or bars near impossible. There is also a large roadblock in reconciling my sexual identity as asexual with the fact that I've had almost a hundred sexual partners in the past seven years. I don't know if I've had years of serious self-denial and self-hatred about my asexuality or if I'm not asexual at all but rather homosexual who's mental illness just makes it too hard. How much of it has been me just trying desperately to fit myself into the concept of a homonormative ideal? I feel like I've spent years repeating the same behaviors thinking 'maybe this time it'll be different and you will be sexually aroused and attracted to this person' only for it to not turn out that way. Do I just want to feel different so I've selfishly hooked onto an identity on the asexual spectrum? These are thoughts that repeatedly cross my mind on a daily basis and cause me to tear myself down. 

 

I honestly want a partner and a relationship limited to sensual and emotional intimacy. Is that enough for me to count myself as ace though when I have the past I have? 

 

I'm sorry this post is so long, but my mind never turns off and I've thought about it a lot. Finally am deciding to reach out and see if anyone has had similar experiences or advice. I would like to break these patterns of behavior and actually act on what I believe to be my own desires, rather than simply trying over an over again until I just happen to feel what I guess could be called homonormatively typical and accepted desires. 

[LeChat]

Hello, and welcome! 

 

I'm not homoromantic, but I've come across other homoromantic asexuals' videos on YouTube, where they discussed their difficulties in feeling different from sexual homoromantic individuals and in figuring out their feelings, too, so perhaps, if you're more of a visual or auditory learner, their videos might help you.

[Sally]

I am aesthetically and romantically attracted to men, but my history has been not wanting sex with anyone, but having it with a husband and then a partner because they wanted it.  I think that orientation has to do with feeling, not action.  The fact that someone has had sex even though they didn't want it for itself -- i.e., they had sex for other reasons -- doesn't mean they aren't asexual.  

[Snao Cone]

I can relate a lot to attributing the lack of motivation for sex to other factors when it may have been asexuality all along. I had major self-esteem issues in my teens and 20s that greatly affected how I pursued sexual activity (which was rarely, drunk, and out of town for the most part), and it was only when I started to grow past them around the age of 30 that I realized I might just simply be asexual. I was coming up with all sorts of excuses for rarely having sex that revolved around being "unfuckable" and it wasn't until those were proven wrong to me that I started to reflect more deeply.

 

It can be hard to separate the core of your a/sexuality from experiences you've had. We're told that there's something wrong with us if we're not like some standard, and so we either shut out possibilities entirely, or try to force ourselves into boxes. It sounds like the period of time where you were having a lot of sex was like holding your breath, closing your eyes, and plugging your nose to force yourself underwater - it wasn't comfortable and didn't become comfortable, as you were forcing yourself through it. It can be hard to openly express a history of poor judgment, but it's through those experiences that you've come closer to figuring yourself out. If you think identifying as a homoromantic asexual clearly communicates your intentions and needs for relationships, then you don't need anyone else's permission to do that. The only thing you need to communicate is your compatibility with a potential partner. If they can't deal with an asexual relationship, or if they can't deal with a relationship with someone with a sexually active past, then they simply aren't compatible and you can move onto finding someone who is.