I can't decide exactly what I feel (or don't feel). I need help/support.

[Confuzzel]

I've felt like I might be asexual, or something, for a while, but I've struggled to understand exactly what it is I feel. I kind of ignored it for a long time because whenever a guy showed interest in me I usually fended it off. Recently I started dating a guy thinking we had a lot in common and that I liked him, but I start to dread dates with him. He's a great person and I know sometimes people don't connect, but I've never felt anything for anyone romantically and this whole ordeal makes me want to understand myself better.

 

I struggle to call myself asexual because I get aroused and I find people attractive but I've never desired someone specific or gotten aroused with someone in my life before. I've never loved someone romantically, but I do love family and friends. I do feel like I'm attracted to men and not women but when a guy likes me I don't feel the same way and have crushes like most people seem to. I hate kissing. I don't mind lip contact but tongue absolutely turns me off. I know I'm a very closed off person because of some bad experiences so I don't easily get hurt by people I don't know well, but I don't know if this is why I don't feel things when dating or not. I've never had sex because I've never wanted to when with a person and no actual person had ever gotten me aroused. 

 

I wonder if maybe I shouldn't date people because I don't want to hurt anyone if I find out I just can't have feelings for anyone. I know this isn't as difficult for me as for people who are gay, bi, etc, but I never thought this would be this hard even when I considered it. I almost feel lied to by books and movies. 

[Lichley]

Welcome! It's possible to have a libido and still be ace. It results in arousal without a "target" and usually mastrubation. There is also a concept called squishes that are platonic crushes, as you sound a bit romance repulsed I figured I'd introduce aromanticism.

 

[LettACE]

you seem to be emphasizing the romantic side of things, have you looked into aromanticism? to be aromantic, is to not feel romantic attraction towards people. 

[roland.o]

Hello Confuzzel, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some :-)

 

14 hours ago, Confuzzel said:

I wonder if maybe I shouldn't date people because I don't want to hurt anyone if I find out I just can't have feelings for anyone.

Would it take some pressure off you if you if you don't call it "dating"? If you like to meet someone, then meet them. If you feel it might be misinterpreted as romantic interest, when it isn't, then tell them about it. Or maybe go out in small groups, to make it clear that it's a casual meet-up and not a date.

If you find someone you like to spend some time with, it doesn't have to be hurtful to them when you find less time, or stop liking it. It's worse if you let them believe that it's more than casual interest and liking to spend time.

 

I hope this makes sense to you?! All the best!

 

[Confuzzel]

14 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! It's possible to have a libido and still be ace. It results in arousal without a "target" and usually mastrubation. There is also a concept called squishes that are platonic crushes, as you sound a bit romance repulsed I figured I'd introduce aromanticism.

 

 

9 hours ago, LettACE said:

you seem to be emphasizing the romantic side of things, have you looked into aromanticism? to be aromantic, is to not feel romantic attraction towards people. 

 

From what I'm seeing it does seem like I might be aromantic and possibly asexual. The aromantic especially hurts me because I want to be romantically attracted to people. But I do appreciate both your help even if I don't like the answer.

 

1 hour ago, roland.o said:

Would it take some pressure off you if you if you don't call it "dating"? If you like to meet someone, then meet them. If you feel it might be misinterpreted as romantic interest, when it isn't, then tell them about it. Or maybe go out in small groups, to make it clear that it's a casual meet-up and not a date.

That does make sense. Thank you. It's actually kind of what I've done in the past without realizing it so that'll make it easier. 

 

I'm just going to have to acclimate myself to the idea that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life. 

 

Thanks for all your help.

[Lichley]

You won't be alone for the rest of your life. There are plenty of aromantics here, and if you go to the Meetup Mart then you can meet fellow aroaces in your area, and maybe even find that special someone you want a QPR with  

[LettACE]

1 hour ago, Confuzzel said:

From what I'm seeing it does seem like I might be aromantic and possibly asexual. The aromantic especially hurts me because I want to be romantically attracted to people. But I do appreciate both your help even if I don't like the answer.

In that case, have you looked into cupioromantic?  it's essentially exactly what you described, of course you can always go without labels if you truly want to, or even just choose to go by one primaily