devilkin Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 How can a sexual man be (and stay) with his asexual girlfriend AND have a sex life? Is there a way to handle it? It would be great if it would be sex not only with himself and it doesn't have to be sex with his girlfriend. The relationship should not be risked too much so I guess the gf should not know about a potential other sex partner. Do you have ideas how to keep the balance between not having sex with the beloved asexual partner and have a sex life? Thank you! devilkin Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 Uh, cheating is never the answer because that puts the relationship more at risk. I'd speak to your partner - is she okay with you going outside of the relationship for sex with other people? If not, then you two will need to find another solution. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 @.Liathanks for your response. Not having sex is a risk for the relationship too, I think. For her it is not an option that he has sex with another person. For him it is not an option even if she would give her OK because he knows it would hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 But yet, the OP talks about having sex with another person and the partner not knowing it. Either you have sex with your girlfriend, or you have sex with someone else. Those are the ways to have "a sex life". If neither work for either of you, then it's time to walk away from the relationship before anyone becomes resentful of the other. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 so we have 4 options: 1. sex with asexual 2. carefully cheat on asexual 3. have no sex life 4. walk away Great Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 55 minutes ago, devilkin said: so we have 4 options: 1. sex with asexual 2. carefully cheat on asexual 3. have no sex life 4. walk away Great The 4th option should be "walk away and have sex with a sexual." Which might be the best option for both you and asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 The only real option is walking away and having a relationship with a sexual person. I don't see how a relationship between an asexual person and a sexual person can ever work when sex is clearly off the table. It's not fair on either person. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 3 hours ago, The Unknown Warrior said: The only real option is walking away and having a relationship with a sexual person. I don't see how a relationship between an asexual person and a sexual person can ever work when sex is clearly off the table. It's not fair on either person. Life simply isn’t this black and white. It’s all sorts of grey when lives entwine in time and space. I admire those who unknowingly find themselves in mixed relationships looking for outside of the box solutions with the least amount of collateral damage. Only in time and experience can this become apparent perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 Ok, lets come back to the initial question and say option 3 and 4 are no options for the sexual man. The conditions are a) stay in relationship with asexual AND b) have a sex life What are best practices here? Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 1 hour ago, devilkin said: What are best practices here? Well devilkin, there aren’t any as the buffet of options is so vast. I am a sexual married to an asexual and opened my marriage almost 9 months ago. Did I do it “the best way”? I believe I did it the best way for my marriage, family and life. I do not regret it and love Friday nights - the one night a week my husband agreed to. Only you and your spouse can figure out what works best for your family unit. If you’re determined, there IS a way to do it with thought, care, cooperation and consideration. 1. Get on a strict, agreeable (to both parties) schedule and stick to it. OR 2. Take a lover(s) - so many different ways to do this... That’s all you have if options 3/4 are out... Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 @Traveler40 thanks for your comments. One question on the Friday nights: I think it can hurt the asexual (not ajealous) and is no fun for the sexual to hurt her. Is the deal "I have to deal with your asexuality so you have to deal with my sexuality"? I think it can lead to a collateral damage. To avoid that damage I think it can be wise to have a secret lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Member4445 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I would seriously suggest not cheating on your partner... When she finds out, not if, she's going to be more hurt than if you suggest polyamory and you end up breaking up over it. The fact youre even thinking about this shows the lack of respect you have for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I sometimes think some of the questions on here are wind ups. I hope your partner finds the right person for her and no more of this stress and pressure with sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 Sometimes people have to make mistakes to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowstepper Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 5 hours ago, devilkin said: Is the deal "I have to deal with your asexuality so you have to deal with my sexuality"? I think it can lead to a collateral damage. To avoid that damage I think it can be wise to have a secret lover. This is the best way to cause irreparable damage to not just your relationship, but to your partner. This is the second post like this in a week, where the guy thinks cheating is the best option. It isn't. Ever. Option 1: have a serious, calm, honest discussion. Not that you want sex. Not that you need sex. Not that you are forcing her to have sex. But that if sex is not an option, you CAN NOT stay together. Together you can work out what is and isn't acceptable for each of you. There must be middle ground in every relationship, sexual or asexual. Option 2: call a spade a spade and move on. It sucks, but if you know you must have sex (nothing wrong with that), and you know she won't have sex and also won't let you seek it elsewhere, then just accept that it can't work and move on before either of you hurt the other any further. Just don't feel like you are somehow being forced to cheat on her. Couples break up every single day, it's better to do it peacefully because of non-compatibility than because you got caught cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 Thank you all very much for your comments! I read every sentence twice and I'm still not sure what the sexual guy should do to a) keep his relationship and b) have a sex life and c) not hurt the asexual Again, keeping the relationship is one of the conditions, so not keeping the relationship is not an option. That may not be your advice but that is not the topic here. By the way, the asexual in this story is not pushed to sex but the sexual is pushed to no sex. I think sex with a pushed asexual is no fun, for both. I understand you don't like the cheating option. Is there another? Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 13 hours ago, devilkin said: Is the deal "I have to deal with your asexuality so you have to deal with my sexuality"? I think it can lead to a collateral damage. Yes, that would just be ye olde blame game... Usually there are four options that people on here mention. (1) compromise (2) no sex (3) opening up the relationship (4) leave Now your partner rules out 1 and 3 while you rule out 2 and 4... If sex is that fundamental for you in a relationship and it's just not an option for your partner, it doesn't seem like the two of you are going anywhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Treesarepretty Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 23 hours ago, devilkin said: so we have 4 options: 1. sex with asexual 2. carefully cheat on asexual 3. have no sex life 4. walk away Great It looks to me like options 2 and 3 are just particularly painful ways to get to option 4. Would you please explain why the ace would be jealous about the sexual getting sex from someone else? If that is an aspect of the relationship that they specifically don't want to deal with, and they care about their partner's happiness, then they should be indifferent or happy with allowing in a third party. Would it maybe affect her self esteem by making her feel inadequate as a partner? Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 27 minutes ago, Grinchmer said: If sex is that fundamental for you in a relationship and it's just not an option for your partner, it doesn't seem like the two of you are going anywhere... The sexual may not need sex but he likes it very much and wants that joy at least from time to time, with a person (not necessarily the partner) who enjoys it too. Its a bit like having a hobby that the partner does not have. Secrets definitely can harm AND heal a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 3 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said: Would you please explain why the ace would be jealous about the sexual getting sex from someone else? [...] Would it maybe affect her self esteem by making her feel inadequate as a partner? Good questions, I will try to figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 43 minutes ago, devilkin said: The sexual may not need sex but he likes it very much and wants that joy at least from time to time, with a person (not necessarily the partner) who enjoys it too. Its a bit like having a hobby that the partner does not have. Secrets definitely can harm AND heal a relationship. There is no way a secret from your partner can "heal" a relationship. In your case, what the secret can do is give you sex without being courageous enough to tell your partner. Yes, courageous, because doing something secret is being cowardly. Link to post Share on other sites
mari Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 12 hours ago, Shadowstepper said: This is the best way to cause irreparable damage to not just your relationship, but to your partner. This is the second post like this in a week, where the guy thinks cheating is the best option. It isn't. Ever. Option 1: have a serious, calm, honest discussion. Not that you want sex. Not that you need sex. Not that you are forcing her to have sex. But that if sex is not an option, you CAN NOT stay together. Together you can work out what is and isn't acceptable for each of you. There must be middle ground in every relationship, sexual or asexual. Option 2: call a spade a spade and move on. It sucks, but if you know you must have sex (nothing wrong with that), and you know she won't have sex and also won't let you seek it elsewhere, then just accept that it can't work and move on before either of you hurt the other any further. Just don't feel like you are somehow being forced to cheat on her. Couples break up every single day, it's better to do it peacefully because of non-compatibility than because you got caught cheating. Being cheated is very painful Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 8 hours ago, Sally said: There is no way a secret from your partner can "heal" a relationship. In your case, what the secret can do is give you sex without being courageous enough to tell your partner. Yes, courageous, because doing something secret is being cowardly. Oh, I'm so sure that knowing every little secret can harm a relationship. Ok, cheating may not be a sweet little secret but big bad one. But in general there are ways a secret can heal, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 5 hours ago, mari said: Being cheated is very painful The small yet impressive difference: Knowing is painful, not being cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowstepper Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 2 hours ago, devilkin said: The small yet impressive difference: Knowing is painful, not being cheated. But you ARE setting up that blow. A "secret lover" is rarely that. By choosing to have a secret lover, you are choosing to hurt your partner, whether she knows right now or not. You say leaving the relationship is not an option. Why? Best I can see, your needs are not being met, and you have every right to a relationship that meets your needs. This relationship just flat out isn't working if you think cheating is the only way to make it work. If a rational discussion can't bring you to a middle ground where you are both ok with the outcome, then the relationship is over already. Link to post Share on other sites
Treesarepretty Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 3 hours ago, Shadowstepper said: But you ARE setting up that blow. A "secret lover" is rarely that. By choosing to have a secret lover, you are choosing to hurt your partner, whether she knows right now or not. This is exactly what I meant when I said that option 2 is just a particularly painful path to option 4, @devilkin. Link to post Share on other sites
m4rble Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Some people are okay with opening up the relationship, but you should absolutely discuss it first. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 18 hours ago, devilkin said: I read every sentence twice and I'm still not sure what the sexual guy should do to a) keep his relationship and b) have a sex life and c) not hurt the asexual Sometimes it's just not possible to have everything. You have to deal with it. You just happen to be in a situation where you can't get all three at once. Don't you realize that you getting a lover would hurt your partner as much as being pressured to have sex? And besides, it's just dishonest. Have a talk with your partner about possibility of accepting an open relationship, but if she absolutely can't, then you've just learned that you can't get option a. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Let's assume there is something like a 100% secret lover. If you like it or not: That secret lover that stays secret seems to be the only solution. Any "no" votes? Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 On 12.12.2017 at 10:53 AM, devilkin said: The small yet impressive difference: Knowing is painful, not being cheated. I can't express my honest opinion about this without getting banned. 15 minutes ago, devilkin said: Any "no" votes? Does it matter anyway? You already made your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
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