Jump to content

Questioning ace with complicated past/feelings about sex - help?


Blue-Phoenix

Recommended Posts

TW: Talk of previous history of abuse. I don't go into any explicit detail but the subject matter may be upsetting to some regardless.

 

I know that no one can tell me whether I'm ace or not and I'm sure the 'can I be asexual if...' question gets tiresome for non-newbie users. So what I'm gonna chat about is mostly spewing my confusion and thoughts about my past and asking/seeing whether any of you relate to this confusion/struggle and/or have any advice.

 

I've had periods of my life in the past where I was quite sexual, and in some ways enjoyed it. However it never quite sat right and felt like an act or role-playing.

 

As a teenager I wasn't interested in sex or relationships in any way, but everyone around me was. I started to get a lot of pressure from friends to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and to 'lose it'. I had a lot of guys ask me out and I rejected them. All the guys bar one respected my decision. The guy who didn't accept my answer hounded me, asking me out literally dozens of times. I had other friends say I should say yes because he was the 'only thing I had going'. Eventually I caved because of the pressure and the feeling of 'I guess this is what I have to do - maybe everyone else doesn't feel things until they try it'. I was 15 at the time.

 

This relationship was coercive from the start and ended up being quite abusive (another reason I doubt being ace because 'what if I was supposed to be a late bloomer?') and I was pressured into a lot of sex. However I did enjoy the sex sometimes in some ways, but more in a performative 'I'm being an adult now, I'm having sex like I'm supposed to!' and 'school friends think I'm really cool for having sex and being in a relationship with an older guy!' 

 

What confuses me more is my relationship I had with someone after I broke up with the abusive bf. I felt very scared and lost after leaving the first bf (it was difficult even managing to break up), and I almost immediately got into another relationship. I rushed to have sex after about a month because I had been taught that's what you do. I enjoyed the sex at first though. I felt drunk off the power of being able to choose when I had sex rather than being forced, so I kind of ironically initiated it a lot. I enjoyed it mostly out of the role-play aspect, the 'I'm being such a good partner' thing, but I did also feel a strong connection because I was with someone for the first time who wasn't pressuring me to do anything and who I got along with on an emotional level (similar interests, makes me laugh etc.).

 

However that connection I felt during sexual stuff didn't last long as eventually the 'wow I can CHOOSE this' feeling became 'so... I... don't HAVE to do this if I don't want to?' and I was finally processing what happened to me as late teenager. I broke up with that person due to the confusion of 'maybe I don't love him any more if I don't want to have sex'. I had one other relationship where, unlike bf no. 2, did pressure me to have sex at times. It made things very confusing and uncomfortable and caused a lot of tension. I broke up with her whilst feeling regret for breaking up with bf no. 2 because I did have strong romantic feelings for him and he was the only person who never pressured me to be sexual - the pressure was coming from me in that relationship.

 

I'm very confused about whether I am ace or not due to the complicated issues surrounding sex in my past. I didn't want sex as a teen when everyone else did, but I did have phases where I was very sexual and obsessed with sex, just I am now realising the reasons I was sexual were for odd performative reasons rather than a genuine sense of enjoyment. However there were some moments, like I said, with bf no. 2 where they felt more genuine, but it's all muddied up in weird social pressures and trauma stuff. Whether the abuse I has 'caused' my 'asexuality' and I was 'supposed' to be a late-bloomer, or whether I am ace and me being ace caused me to be vulnerable to be taken advantage of by a horrible person I cannot figure out.

 

I know this is a heavy topic and may be uncomfortable for people, but has anyone had any experience with untangling things to do with their asexuality and a history of abuse and any complicated feelings around sex in their past?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is all kind of newish for me too, but I identify with the way you're writing about how everything gets mixed up and tangled. The "Late bloomer" thing hits home as well, especially when others expect you to be something. 

 

I'll say the same sort of thing that everyone else does, that only you can really figure out the labels for yourself. Don't feel like you need to dwell on them either. I have similar feelings about my sexual history. I think the only thing I was a late bloomer with was acknowledging this part of my self.

 

Verbalizing things helped a lot for me, even writing I guess. I'm not sure if anyone of this helps, but I sympathize. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Blue-Phoenix, thanks for sharing your story! While my background is too different from yours to actually relate, I'm glad that you figured out that much about yourself. It will help you to set your boundaries in future relationships, if you decide to build them.

 

About your regrets regarding bf no. 2, I'd like to remind you that it isn't enough to find the right person - it's got to be at the right time in both's lifes as well. You weren't ready to turn that relationship into a lasting one, because you hadn't learned enough about yourself at the time. No decent person will blame you for that, even without knowing your background. It was the right thing at the time to break up with him, and to set him free to live his own life. :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it would help if you read what I have here. There's a lot that you have to work through, so I don't want to assume that I know what you need to hear to realize if you're asexual or not. I just want you to know, if you're asexual then you're asexual regardless of any past of abuse. Could that effect your sexuality? Maybe. Does that matter? No. There's a lot of people that have been abused that are still completely sexual. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...