Returning (and confused) member

[Blue-Phoenix]

Hi all! I’m a returning member. Thought I’d come back and purge some thoughts/musing in case anyone relates. I desperately need to talk to people about these thoughts/feelings so here it goes...

 

I first thought about the possibility of me being ace about 4 or 5 years ago. The possibility of being ace is something I’m really struggling to figure out and I keep running away from it. In the past 5 years I’ve repeated the same pattern;

 

obsessively research for a few weeks ---> get frustrated and confused (and scared) ---> force myself to not think about it ---> 6 months-1 year later I suddenly start acknowledging it again and begin researching ---> repeat

 

I’ve never struggled so much to come to terms with something, and I’m still confused and overwhelmed, but this time I’m acknowledging this pattern and these feelings. I’m accepting that no matter what the ‘answer’ is for me, there must be SOMETHING to this, so I’ve gotta stop running.

 

Reading about sexual attraction and all the different types of attraction tended to confuse my brain into knots, with lots of second-guessing what the ‘average’ person feels and whether what I feel is normal for a sexual or if my feelings and experiences can constitute being ace. Reading about the grey area also made me second-guess myself and descend into tautological philosophical questioning about what counts as sexual attraction and at what point do you go from being sexual to asexual and what if it’s more an effect of the culture you’re in rather than anything innate and what if what if what if...

 

However coming across some threads on here a few days ago about how you can define asexuality as a lack of sexual desire instead of/in addition to lack of sexual attraction has been like clearing thick fog for me. I’m having less obsessive thoughts - ‘but how can you truly DEFINE or untangle the differences between aesthetic attraction/sensual attraction and sexual attraction? How is this truly different to a sexual’s experience?’ - because whilst it’s impossible to know what other people truly feel with attraction (because it’s so internal and subjective), it’s been clearer to me how others around me feel in terms of sexual desire compared to me; friends have shown a desire to seek out and have sexual relations, whilst for me that desire hasn’t really been there.

 

Of course, there is still some subjectivity with this because, once again, I can’t know what’s going on in someone head. But at least to me, defining it in terms of sexual desire makes more sense and feels a bit more… tangible I guess? Because I had to pretend to fancy people in primary and secondary school, I had friends as a teenager say it was ‘weird’ how I didn’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend and that I should get one. I forced myself into relationships and doing things I didn't really want to do to play a role that was expected of me. I’ve had friends be interested in seeking out sex in whatever form they choose (whether it be casual, in a monogamous relationship, poly relationship, waiting months before having sex, having sex really quickly etc. - the scope of different ways to express sexuality is vast) but it's something I seem to lack.

 

Even as an adult I’ve periodically lied or exaggerated finding someone pretty to make it come across that I have sexual feelings when I don’t. I’m in a constant state of waiting for someone to come along who I feel something for. I’ve had two people in my life who I’ve had (what I think counts as) romantic feelings for, and it was super strong and intense and I miss that feeling. However I barely feel that, and even with those incredibly strong feelings (I felt like I was going to burst) I still didn’t feel sexual (as far as I know, I tie my brain in knots trying to figure out if what I felt was actually sexual attraction and I’m just too dumb to realise, but then if that was the case shouldn’t this knowledge be instinctual like it seems to be for everyone else I know?)

 

Anyway, in the end I don’t know for certain what the hell I am, but I need to stop this needless second-guessing of myself and try and explore this with curiosity rather than fervent anxiety over being ‘possibly wrong’. I hope if you’ve made it this far you relate and can shed some light/wisdom on this confused possible baby-ace.

[LeChat]

1 hour ago, ChronosBug said:

...I hope if you’ve made it this far you relate and can shed some light/wisdom on this confused possible baby-ace.

"Baby-ace."  That's cute. It reminds me of a trans guy who sometimes affectionately refers to younger trans teens or adults who are just beginning their trans journey as "baby trans," because they look up to him for advice.

 

I've felt confused like you, for years. What sort of helps me is reminding myself that, because there are younger adults who feel a physical, biological need to have children, sexual relationships, etc., and are married or dating a lot (things that most of society seems to be interested in), the fact that these things didn't really interest me, and I didn't feel a burning desire for them obviously indicated something.

 

I hope that helps. Welcome back! 

 

I like your cat; I thought it'd be nice to have a cat who would sit in my lap or next to me while I'd pet it or cuddle with it, but unfortunately, my aunt's cats didn't want that and preferred to be left alone to roam around freely.

[Lia]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

[Lichley]

Welcome! It's okay to be confused, and you don't have to take up the label if you don't want to. The important thing is just being comfortable with how you feel  

[Blue-Phoenix]

10 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

"Baby-ace."  That's cute. It reminds me of a trans guy who sometimes affectionately refers to younger trans teens or adults who are just beginning their trans journey as "baby trans," because they look up to him for advice.

 

I like your cat; I thought it'd be nice to have a cat who would sit in my lap or next to me while I'd pet it or cuddle with it, but unfortunately, my aunt's cats didn't want that and preferred to be left alone to roam around freely.

Haha yeah I got it from hearing people refer to themselves or others as 'baby-gays' and I found it quite sweet 

 

And thanks! It's not technically my cat unfortunately. I'd love to have a pet cat or dog someday, but atm I live in a house where the landlord doesn't allow pets *grumbles* I live vicariously through next door neighbour's cat who is very friendly and cuddly - seems temperament varies vastly between individual cats cos I've also come across aloof cats like you describe.

 

4 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! It's okay to be confused, and you don't have to take up the label if you don't want to. The important thing is just being comfortable with how you feel  

It's not so much an issue of taking up a label I don't want to. It's more I think I'd like to take up the label ace but I'm afraid of getting it wrong or changing my mind or offending other aces (or allosexuals for that matter in case I'm simply painting them as sex-crazed by IDing as ace). I'm also afraid of friends or future potential romantic partners judging me or laughing at me. 

[Lichley]

No one is going to blame you for calling yourself ace, and if you're that unsure you don't have to tell people, just keep it for yourself, and test run it in your head. Is it a good fit? Try it on, it doesn't matter if what you're wearing looks silly if no one is around to see it, it's about finding a label you enjoy wearing.

[EvilChuck666]

I feel confused too.
I'm 25 years old, and I didn't think about (a)sexuality until 3 years ago, before then I was focused studying, studying and ocassionaly meeting with my cousin and his friends, but never I was sexually interested by anyone.
All began in my first year in University, when I was questioning my lack of sexual attraction, surrounded by beautiful women and good-looking guys.
I have aesthetic attraction, so I can tell if I find someone attractive, but not in a sexual level.
By that time, I fell in love with a girl, she was nice, and lovely to me, unfortunately she has a BF, so I couldn't be corresponded, nowadays she blocked my in WhatsApp and if we meet we don't talk, I completely screwed the friendship,
I never experienced a desire to have sex with anybody, even with her.
BUT I have libido, I masturbate and I enjoy doing it, so... Why I couldn't enjoy it with a partner?
I don't bother if it is with a man or a woman, I want to have sex, I really want to.

But when I go out... it's like... I don't know.
It feels like I don't speak the same language like the others, everybody know how to flirt, but I don't, I just don't.

Sometimes, I think too if I felt sexual attraction, but I'm too dumb for realizing it.

 

P.S.: I'm new to the forum, and sorry if my english is not good.