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Tired of Questioning...


cobyz

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Let me start off by saying that I'm currently in the midst of questioning but I'm having a hard time deciphering my feelings. For about almost two years now (??) I've been turning over the possibility that I might be nonbinary, but I can't seem to look past my female body. Every time I look at myself I see a female and I think to myself that I'm obsessing over something that shouldn't be an issue--my gender is what I see. According to many folks, that's not always true, but I'm such a visual person that I can't help but think this way oftentimes. The problem is, I find myself becoming frustrated that people see a girl and expect me to become a woman soon. That jut doesn't seem to fit with how I view myself (especially the woman part). A lot of times I wish I didn't look like a girl and looked like a boy instead but I think overall I'd want to look in between or ambiguous. There are times where this feeling spikes, such as whenever I go out shopping. I've never really shopped much, but recently, when I go to stores and try to shop, I just can't choose anything because I get jealous when I look over at the men's section and see how men's clothes look and fit on other guys. And then I get depressed. Also, I find myself staying away from doing typically 'girly' things, but I feel like if I could see myself as nonbinary and do that stuff I wouldn't feel so awkward or repelled by it. I'm also frustrated by my soft, girlish figure once in a while, and I think it's mostly directed towards my butt and thighs yet neither of them are that big...just big enough I suppose to signal femaleness. Sometimes, however, I look at myself and am relatively ok with what I see, but I think it might be because I'm used to how I look. I don't think I look ugly really, I just don't think I look 100% right I guess??

 

What's really keeping me on the fence about this is that I'm not sure if I want to identify as nonbinary or simply look it--even though I don't really like being called a girl/woman that much. There are times when I'm interacting with people and I'm just super aware that I'm female, too, so relying on how I feel isn't always 'reliable'...for lack of better wording. (Like I feel like a girl but I don't like it??) Also, I'm too afraid to seriously experiment so I feel kinda stuck. I guess I'm just sorta reaching out on this website because I don't know how else to go about this.

 

Thanks for reading this super long rant or whatever it is! Is it a thing on AVEN to offer people virtual cake??? 🍰🍰🍰 (I've seen it on some threads....)

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Welcome! First of all, check out this : http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75333093314/the-more-subtle-kind-of-gender-dysphoria because I think you're experiencing subtle gender dysphoria. Anyway, if you want to be non-binary why not go for it. You could even use greygender or demigender to give you a stepping stone to ease yourself into it. If it's not what you're looking for then Ash (the person in the video) has a lot more videos that really accurately portray a lot of useful ideas that could help you on your road to self-discovery :) 

 

Also cake

rainbow+wedding+cake+7.jpg

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19 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! First of all, check out this : http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75333093314/the-more-subtle-kind-of-gender-dysphoria because I think you're experiencing subtle gender dysphoria. Anyway, if you want to be non-binary why not go for it. You could even use greygender or demigender to give you a stepping stone to ease yourself into it. If it's not what you're looking for then Ash (the person in the video) has a lot more videos that really accurately portray a lot of useful ideas that could help you on your road to self-discovery :) 

 

Also cake

rainbow+wedding+cake+7.jpg

Wow, that post was actually very helpful and informative, thank you! And thank you for the lovely cake as well!

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 12/9/2017 at 8:52 AM, cobyz said:

 

 

What's really keeping me on the fence about this is that I'm not sure if I want to identify as nonbinary or simply look it--even though I don't really like being called a girl/woman that much. There are times when I'm interacting with people and I'm just super aware that I'm female, too, so relying on how I feel isn't always 'reliable'...for lack of better wording. (Like I feel like a girl but I don't like it??) Also, I'm too afraid to seriously experiment so I feel kinda stuck. I guess I'm just sorta reaching out on this website because I don't know how else to go about this.

Some of the locks on various prison doors are harder to pick than others. But what remains the most maddening is to know how  to go about walking out of them when the door swings open after you have.

 

Because after you've gotten a taste of the freedom after the first time you seriously experimented? And gotten away cleanly with it? You won't wonder about going back, you'll wonder why it took so long.

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On 9.12.2017 at 2:52 PM, cobyz said:

 The problem is, I find myself becoming frustrated that people see a girl and expect me to become a woman soon. That jut doesn't seem to fit with how I view myself (especially the woman part). A lot of times I wish I didn't look like a girl and looked like a boy instead but I think overall I'd want to look in between or ambiguous. There are times where this feeling spikes, such as whenever I go out shopping. I've never really shopped much, but recently, when I go to stores and try to shop, I just can't choose anything because I get jealous when I look over at the men's section and see how men's clothes look and fit on other guys. And then I get depressed. Also, I find myself staying away from doing typically 'girly' things, but I feel like if I could see myself as nonbinary and do that stuff I wouldn't feel so awkward or repelled by it. I'm also frustrated by my soft, girlish figure once in a while, and I think it's mostly directed towards my butt and thighs yet neither of them are that big...just big enough I suppose to signal femaleness. Sometimes, however, I look at myself and am relatively ok with what I see, but I think it might be because I'm used to how I look. I don't think I look ugly really, I just don't think I look 100% right I guess??

 

In cases like these, you should ask yourself some questions to better understand and reflect on your thoughts: What does being a woman mean to you? What does it entail?

You can totally wear men's clothing and be a woman. Clothing is not something that makes you into something else. And what are "girly" things and what do they have to do with being a girl or a boy anyway? A boy can do girly things. 

It's also normal to not like your females features on your body, most girls do. 

I'm not saying you are a girl. I'm just saying think about what you mean by certain concepts you are using and maybe that'll help.

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