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Frustrated


ambertroy2

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Hey guys! I’m new here and I hate to start off my place here with any negativity. I love my partners he is amazing, he is my best friend. Really, we were platonic friends for 8 years and dated off and on before then. We finally dated again and married for months ago. We’ve been dating this time for 4 years. We have discussed his asexuality and my needs as a sexual person (is that the right term?). It’s hard as a woman because you end up not feeling desired... and I know that’s not what it’s about but it’s hard not to feel that way when it’s been so engrained in you. Anyway, we’ve worked it out mostly. Our sex life is sparse but amazing when it happens. I’ve learned to be direct with him and give him time to get in to the head space, and usually a few days after a mention it’s been a while he initiates sex and it’s always amazing to connect with him in that way. 

This time it’s been about 4 months. Things happen, sometimes we mean to, but we eat too much, I’m on my period, I have headache, I’m too tired.... and he never minds of course. Also I started and new job working with kids. I’ve been sick twice in the last month and a half... he got sick as well. Now we are both healthy, my period has passed so I put it out there. Last night we were thinking it would happen but I drank too much wine- oops. I had a headache and was not in the state to enjoy. Last night we decided we would plan on sex tonight. I looked forward to it all day. It’s been four months. I want to get laid, but mostly I miss him.... I just asked when he was going to bed... soon... are you going to bed he asked. No I said. I’m waiting for you.... 😘😉😉😉 Nothing. No recognition. And I guess dinner may be disagreeing with him, his tummy is upset, but he has clearly forgotten our plans. I went back to our couch and cried. He doesn’t know I’m upset. I know I need to be honest, remind him... but it’s so hard because I hate making him feel bad or obligated. I know I need to have my needs met but I never want him to feel like he needs to be different... if he’s not in the mood or feeling well I understand. But I am so dissapointed, and I am more upset that he has appeared to have forgotten our plans. I am trying to be patient with him. BUT IT’S REALLY REALLY HARD. Advice? Thanks guys.

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Treesarepretty

I'm sorry to say it @ambertroy2, but it sounds like you have to remind him. I know it makes it less sexy, but if that is what you need and this is how he is, then that is just something you will have to get used to doing. 

 

Good luck. And welcome :cake:

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Just to echo what Trees said, and also say that it's not just women who miss feeling desired. It's weirdly not as socially acceptable for us men to say it, and sounds whiney, but it's true. 

 

The bottom line when your partner isn't going initiate is that you have to do all the work (including not being in your way by drinking too much etc so you miss out on an opportunity). And try to frame it in your head as him not wanting sex, rather than not wanting you, as that's probably how he thinks of it. It's a very delicate distinction to make though, and having to make yourself think rationally rather than instinctively can take the spontaneity out of it. 

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Apathetic Echidna
8 hours ago, ambertroy2 said:

I am more upset that he has appeared to have forgotten our plans.

it is very likely that in a moment of distraction the only thing that will remind him is a super clear direct statement. Hints and alluding comments may be fine for the build up but as sex probably isn't that high in his consciousness if he isn't already thinking of it it might not occur to him. This sort of thing isn't a rejection, you are important, the things you find important are important but sometimes I guess it can be very hard to instantly recognise something important to someone else when it is not instinctually important for you. I don't know how to clean that sentence up, I hope it is understandable. 

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Agree with the rest here! If you want then say what you want. Make plans for it and remind him. I have tried a million different hints and foreplay-ish activities, but what worked best was for me to say: “I could do with some sex soon! Would tonigth be okay with you?” Later on we put it into a schedule, but still I initiate or ask or remind, because frankly, it is my project. I remember showering, grooming,  changing underwear, cleaning the bedroom, putting on new bedsheets, giving flowers, giving compliments, warming her up with  sweet words, pouring her a drink, ...asking if she wants to go to bed... and yes, she did want to go to bed to sleep.

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Thanks guys. We did end up talking about it, so I feel better. We agreed that even though we do talk about it, we could be better at communicating. And he did admit that he has been feeling even less interested than usual lately. But he understands that it is hard for me and never wants me to hold back if I’m feeling upset about it. So we’re working on it. Thanks guys. And certainly men can feel the same too! Thanks for saying that. That’s a great point and we have talked about him not wanting sex not being the same as not wanting me, but it’s so hard to separate the two.... we’ll work through it. It’s just that we had talked about it, and we had planned on it last night and usually he very good about following through or addressing the plans if he’s not in the mood or feeling up to it. I guess it was the reminder that it’s just not as important to him as it is for me was really hard to take in that moment. I didn’t express that to him last night because I hadn’t fully sorted out all my feelings, but I will talk to him about it and see if we can both work put a way to be better at communicating. 

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