Dealing with loneliness

[Alduin]

After I finally accepted that I’m aromantic and asexual I’ve started to worry about being lonely in the future. I also feel like I’m growing apart from my friends as the only thing they do is get drunk and try to get with women but I have no interest in either of those so it feels like we have nothing in common. Has anyone else felt lonely like this and if so could you tell me how you dealt with it?

[Taiji]

I personally don't drink anymore, but almost all of my other friends like to drink when it comes to house parties. Sometimes if there's a lot of people that are drinking, I hardly want to talk to anyone because I'm not really enjoying the atmosphere. It gets pretty lonely because in the past, I get targeted as the only person who doesn't drink so they'll try to get me to drink something. Nowadays, my friends have lightened off the peer pressure, so no one bothers me about drinking water, but I totally get how it feels like having nothing in common.

Usually I talk to a friend that I trust and know they'll be cool to talk to for the night, or my partner if he's there with me. I'm not aromantic, so I can't speak on that end, but what I do is just maintain friendships with the people I know I can count on. Maybe you can try to have times where your friends and you spend time together outside of drinking and dating. From my experience, sometimes friends just mellow out as the years go on. I find that younger college students tend to drink and get with people more than older/graduated college students. 

[Amathy]

I used to have an imaginary friend but that friend only helped a little with the loneliness.  So once I had the finances, I got a dog.  I'm not lonely when I'm with my dog.  And unlike talking to my imaginary friend, talking to my dog does not make people call security on me.

[praetorius]

6 minutes ago, Amathy said:

And unlike talking to my imaginary friend, talking to my dog does not make people call security on me.

I remember the days when yammering to invisible people in public would be loony. Then everyone got cellphones. Try giving your old invisible friend a call --- nobody will notice any more.

 

For the actual thread topic: as Sotai noted, in a few more years your peers will "grow up" and stop having a life centered around drunken flirting. However, they'll stop being drunken flirts when they settle down with a spouse, have a family of their own, and much less time and effort to expend on extended friendships outside their family circles. You'll need to either resign yourself to being permanently lonely (my current solution), or put in a lot of effort to find new circles of friends (through, e.g., communities of shared interest in a social-interaction-likely hobby). The likelihood of having a pool of potential friends available "by default," like people have at younger ages, seems pretty small.

[giorno]

i wrote a response similar before but i'll elaborate more

im only 19, im aro ace and im already lonely, i don't have any friends, im not ever intending to marry, date or do anything of the sorts. i with be alone my whole life. you have to move past that point and think about how everyone is lonely and alone to some extent. people who are married and maybe spend everyday together might feel terribly lonely whereas someone who chooses to be alone and isolated might not feel it at all. you've got to think about what levels of interaction are enough to keep you not feeling lonely.

for me routine is what helps, ive got my classes during the week, work at weekends. just talking briefly with my coworkers during the day or having a quick chat with a teacher is enough interaction for me but if u need more think about if there are any clubs/meetups of your interests/hobbies in your area. there's a number of apps that are based around meetups and clubs, i didn't know just how many there were til i looked

also just chatting with strangers helps me too - that lady at the bus stop, that cashier at the store. i know it sounds stupid but it helps.

also pets. for me at least having cats helps me cause i can talk at them all day long. they are my closest friends!

if you ever feel really lonely and are in the financial position to do it, you could rent a room in a house where other ppl are renting rooms too. essentially u all have yr own rooms but share things like kitchens etc. it's just a nice feeling to know u might not have to be alone in the home all the time.

basically, look around u. it doesn't just have to be yr established friend group u interact with n no one else. people grow and change and come and go from yr life. 

[Galactic Turtle]

I am 24, aro-ace, with no dating or drinking history. I think I am lucky in that I went to college in a large, crazy city where much of my social circle seem on track to live non-traditional lives in terms of romance and family building. I think they know I'm the way I am even though I've never told them outright. We have remained close even through marriages and various couplings or quadrouplings.

 

I can't say the same for my high school friends which is where I more accutely feel a sort of alienation. However even though I live separately from everyone these days, my enthusiasm for my work is extraordinarily high. With hobbies on top of that I feel secure in my future. Perhaps think of these types of things!

[FinneganCatch]

21 hours ago, Amathy said:

I used to have an imaginary friend but that friend only helped a little with the loneliness.  So once I had the finances, I got a dog.  I'm not lonely when I'm with my dog.  And unlike talking to my imaginary friend, talking to my dog does not make people call security on me.

Totally second this. I have two dogs and pets of any kind generally help with loneliness. When I'm feeling lonely I go to places I comfortable interacting with strangers (or near strangers) like the dog park (another way dogs help- common ground with strangers) where I can chat with people and get some human interaction without being uncomfortable. It's also where I found my current friends group.

I've been in and out of several relationships over the last number of years and the loneliness is usually what prompts me to try again (and what made me stick with one that wasn't working for almost 3 years).

[Kururin]

Now, I have anxiety so whenever I go out, two of my thoughts are "I hope I don't do anything stupid" "Oh no, too much people... they're going to find me werid" so it makes me intenally panic a lot. which leads me to worry about being alone for life. 

 

In truth, being ace does not mean you're now an insta-loner for the rest of your life. That means you will really need to put yourself out there and expand your friend circle. You can get a pet too and they are cute! No asexual is guaranteed to be lonely, but you must learn how to find people and not expect them to come to you. Sometimes you need to come to them.

 

That's what I had to learn

[will123]

I think the content of this thread would be helpful:

 

 

Try to keep occupied is my best advice.

[reid113]

I wonder if you maybe directed conversations away from sex and booze and more towards things you're interested in (hobbies that don't involve partying and picking up girls) then maybe they'll get the hint and start to be more like they were before.  Otherwise, you can always join some community centered around a hobby of yours - for some, it's video games, others, going to dog parks and such - and just kind of make new friends.  If you want to keep hanging out with your old friends though, it would be helpful to them if you explained that you found other activities more interesting than partying and would love to hang out with them within nonpartying contexts.  Maybe text someone and go on a one-on-one coffee meetup or whatever and have a conversation that ponders philosophy idk.  It's a two way street in which in order to continue friendships you've got to put energy into them and they must do the same.  It sounds like you're giving up and inviting in loneliness, but it doesn't have to be that way!