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purpleandgreylife

Aromantic or Single?

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purpleandgreylife

So, I've been thinking about this for a while. I am definitely asexual. I have no doubts about that. I acknowledge that at some point in the future, I may not identify as asexual and I am okay with that, but at this point in my life, I don’t see myself identifying any other way, ever. I’m confident it’s who I am.

 

I also  started identifying as aromantic last year, officially. Before that I unknowingly identified as aromantic. When I think of my ideal relationship, and when I wrote about it on here, it was described as a "QPR ideal" or something to that effect. Basically:

 

  • I don't want pet names, I want a nickname that is personal and unique to me my partner/s.
  • I want to spend time getting to know each other and spending time together--not necessarily dating, though very similar.
  • I really dislike the term of boyfriend/girlfriend. I feel that using these labels puts pressure on the relationship to move faster than natural.  I would love to just take my time getting to know someone.
  • I would also want to keep any displays of affection private, because I am a private person. I don't feel I need much physical 'attention' (for lack of a better word) in a relationship, and I don't think it's anyone else business who I am in a relationship with, that I should display my affections to the public.
  • In private however, I am not opposed to kissing, I love to cuddle and the feeling of being held. I also like having my body touched gently in certain ways - sensually not sexually.
  • But basically, ideally I would just spend time getting to know a person, going out, talking on the phone, skype, etc, without the pressures of a "physical relationship" and without the titles of a romantic relationship. (http://bit.ly/2wXlCBE)

 

But now, I'm looking at what I would want out of a relationship, and how similar it is to a dating relationship, save for some distinct differences (the labels, the expectations, the PDA, etc). I'm wondering, is this really me wanting an aromantic QPR relationship or is this me wanting a romantic relationship and being happily single in the meantime? What do you think?

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Grinchmer

I think it that it doesn't make any difference. You seem to have a clear vision of what you want in your life in this department and it's just going to happen when it's going to happen. Doesn't really matter what you call it. It's just a question of semantics.

 

Couldn't it be both anyway? You, looking for a QPR and being a happy single in the meantime?

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purpleandgreylife
1 hour ago, Grinchmer said:

I think it that it doesn't make any difference. You seem to have a clear vision of what you want in your life in this department and it's just going to happen when it's going to happen. Doesn't really matter what you call it. It's just a question of semantics.

 

Couldn't it be both anyway? You, looking for a QPR and being a happy single in the meantime?

First of all, thank you for your response. Secondly, that's true, it could be both. I do agree in part that it is semantics and it shouldn't be that important. But let's look at the semantics for a moment, if you don't mind. Is what I want too "romantic" to be found in a QPR? Would this just be a differently constructed romantic relationship? I guess I'm having trouble figuring out how romantic a QPR can be and where the line between "QPR" and "Romantic Relationship" is drawn.

Edited by purpleandgreylife

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Lucas Monteiro
53 minutes ago, purpleandgreylife said:

Is what I want too "romantic" to be found in a QPR? Would this just be a differently constructed romantic relationship? I guess I'm having trouble figuring out how romantic a QPR can be and where the line between "QPR" and "Romantic Relationship" is drawn.

According to the AVEN wiki, an QPR relationship is : " a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship."

 

So you can say that an QPR relationship can be somehow close to an romantic relationship, depending on how much level of affection the relationship has. But I agree with @Grinchmer, why would you care about it ? Just let it happen the way you want, and caring for labels(if it is an romatinc or not relationship) will take you nowhere. When you meet the person that you want to try an QPR relationship, let it be the way you feel, and everything will be alright, as long  as both agree with what each other truly wants in the relationship(being romantic or not).

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Star Bit

By keeping affection private what do you mean? It sounds like non-platonic actions, which aren't under QPR because it cancels out its own title. Wanting a relationship but not crushing on anyone is called Cupioromantic; a type of Gray-romantic. But crushes come in a wide array of ways, as do relationships; neither of which have to fit the typical norm to be a crush/relationship. You don't have to use titles like BF/GF but doing so doesn't make it not a relationship not them not your partner.

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purpleandgreylife
12 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

By keeping affection private what do you mean? It sounds like non-platonic actions, which aren't under QPR because it cancels out it's own title. Wanting a relationship but not crushing on anyone is called Cupioromantic; a type of Gray-romantic. But crushes come in a wide array of ways, as do relationships; neither of which have to fit the typical norm to be a crush/relationship.

When I refer to keeping affection private, I mean, if we like to kiss each other on the cheek or even a peck on the mouth, I don't want to do that in a restaurant or walking down the street together. I wouldn't be embarrassed of the action or the person/s, I would just feel very much on display.  As I stated before, I don't need much physical affection, but I would want to have some physical connection, be it a kiss on the cheek or holding hands.

 

Also, sense none of the affection is (in my view) sexual, but rather sensual, why does that make the affections non-platonic? Where is the line? Can you kiss and cuddle with a friend, and if you do is that still platonic or is it romantic?

 

 

Edited by purpleandgreylife

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purpleandgreylife
10 minutes ago, Lucas Monteiro said:

According to the AVEN wiki, an QPR relationship is : " a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship."

 

So you can say that an QPR relationship can be somehow close to an romantic relationship, depending on how much level of affection the relationship has. But I agree with @Grinchmer, why would you care about it ? Just let it happen the way you want, and caring for labels(if it is an romatinc or not relationship) will take you nowhere. When you meet the person that you want to try an QPR relationship, let it be the way you feel, and everything will be alright, as long  as both agree with what each other truly wants in the relationship(being romantic or not).

Thank you for your response. Intellectually, I agree with you. However, (and I am working on this) I haven't always been the best at just "letting things happen." I am a planner by nature and while I know that I cannot plan every detail of my life, nor do I try to (and if I do, I am working on it) I still like to have things clearly defined.

 

I guess it matters so much to me because I don't want to misrepresent myself. I don't want to say that I'm aromantic or in a QPR relationship, when I'm actually not aromantic and/or in a romantic relationship instead of a QPR.

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Star Bit

Kissing is factually not platonic in any culture in the world. Chaste kissing is a different matter, but why is it being displayed in that way in the first place since that and holding hands can both be done romantically and platonically. And sensual touching certainly isn't platonic either.

 

Quote

Would this just be a differently constructed romantic relationship?

Yes. Relationships come in many colors. If it's not platonic then a relationship is desired.

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Grinchmer
1 hour ago, purpleandgreylife said:

Is what I want too "romantic" to be found in a QPR? Would this just be a differently constructed romantic relationship? I guess I'm having trouble figuring out how romantic a QPR can be and where the line between "QPR" and "Romantic Relationship" is drawn.

The line is where the partners involved draw it. Different relationships have different boundaries. My former best friend and myself were close in a way that would have been considered "romantic" by a lot of people - yet it wasn't. It's more about feelings than actions really.

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purpleandgreylife
6 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

Kissing is factually not platonic in any culture in the world. Chaste kissing is a different matter, but why is it being displayed in that way in the first place since that and holding hands can both be done romantically and platonically. And sensual touching certainly isn't platonic either.

 

Yes. Relationships come in many colors. If it's not platonic then a relationship is desired.

Okay, I think I'm using the wrong word, or I don't understand it in relation to a relationship. Sensual, in my eyes, is laying together, holding each other, cuddling, light kissing (chastely), spooning and taking comfort in each others psychical presence. I don't link sensuality to any sexual activity or arousal. 

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Star Bit

@Grinchmer No, it includes actions. As I said, if it's not platonic it cancels it's own title out.

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purpleandgreylife
6 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

@Grinchmer No, it includes actions. As I said, if it's not platonic it cancels it's own title out.

So, do you feel that if something is not platonic it automatically has to be romantic? Nothing in between?

Edited by purpleandgreylife

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Star Bit

No, things can be sexual and not romantic. But desiring a (non-platonic) partnership is desiring a relationship. It's a social constructs that it has to to be romantic. According to the no romance logic most of betrothed couples aren't couples. And most animals, if not all, aren't in relationships either. It's not just romance that makes relationships. Aro should really be called Arelationship, but that really doesn't have a ring to it though lol. A QPR hast to be PLATONIC; it's right there in the title. As I said, if someone doesn't experience crushes but desires a relationship it's called Cupioromantic/Gray-romantic. But crushes do come in all sorts of shapes and colors, so not feeling typical things doesn't mean it's not a crush.

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purpleandgreylife
1 minute ago, Star Bit said:

No, things can be sexual and not romantic. But desiring a partnership is desiring a relationship. According to the no romance logic most of betrothed couples aren't couples. It's not just romance that makes relationships.

I agree that it takes more than romance to make a relationship. Emotional connection, open communication, the freedom to completely be yourself without judgement, shared interests, etc. are all important in establishing a healthy relationship. My main objective by posting my question today was to gain some clarity, for me, on whether what I was seeking was platonic or romantic in nature. Either way, it won't change what I want, or cause me to rethink my ideal relationship structure.

 

36 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

...It sounds like non-platonic actions, which aren't under QPR because it cancels out it's own title. Wanting a relationship but not crushing on anyone is called Cupioromantic; a type of Gray-romantic. But crushes come in a wide array of ways, as do relationships; neither of which have to fit the typical norm to be a crush/relationship. You don't have to use titles like BF/GF but doing so doesn't make it not a relationship not them not your partner.

So, from your earlier response, you think that want I want in terms of a relationship falls into grey space? Not quite platonic, not quite romantic?

 

I'm just trying to make sure I understand your point of view.

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Star Bit

No, the Gray-romantic spectrum doesn't refer to relationship type. I'll reply more after I get back from work.

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purpleandgreylife
5 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

No, the Gray-romantic spectrum doesn't refer to relationship type. I'll reply more after I get back from work.

Thank you, I appreciate that but you don't have to do that. I think I will try to take @Grinchmer and @Lucas Monteiro suggestion and just try to let go of the semantics and let the relationship happen on its own, regardless of a label.

 

I do appreciate all the time that you have spent sharing your opinion with me.

 

I hope you have a great rest of your day :-)

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purpleandgreylife
2 hours ago, Grinchmer said:

I think it that it doesn't make any difference. You seem to have a clear vision of what you want in your life in this department and it's just going to happen when it's going to happen. Doesn't really matter what you call it. It's just a question of semantics.

 

Couldn't it be both anyway? You, looking for a QPR and being a happy single in the meantime?

 

54 minutes ago, Lucas Monteiro said:

According to the AVEN wiki, an QPR relationship is : " a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship."

 

So you can say that an QPR relationship can be somehow close to an romantic relationship, depending on how much level of affection the relationship has. But I agree with @Grinchmer, why would you care about it ? Just let it happen the way you want, and caring for labels(if it is an romatinc or not relationship) will take you nowhere. When you meet the person that you want to try an QPR relationship, let it be the way you feel, and everything will be alright, as long  as both agree with what each other truly wants in the relationship(being romantic or not).

Thank you both for taking the time to share your opinions with me. I think you both made a very good point that the label for the relationship is not as important as the relationship itself. I think I will take your advice and focus on letting the relationship happen and remaining happy and single in the meantime. 

 

I hope you both have a great rest of your day :-)

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Grinchmer
53 minutes ago, Star Bit said:

@Grinchmer No, it includes actions. As I said, if it's not platonic it cancels it's own title out.

My idea behind that statement is that different actions mean different things to different people. Personally I don't mind being seen naked by a friend, for example (not in the creepy Roy Moore way :D), but I know people who would reserve that right for others to see them naked exclusively to their romantic partners. For them, it would be part of a romantic relationship. For me, it's *shrug*.

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Apathetic Echidna

I got confused reading the comments so I will just say some stuff. Desiring a relationship doesn't really influence your romantic orientation as desiring porn to help tame a libido doesn't influence your sexual orientation. It is when you get out of the fantasy of an ideal relationship and into the nitty gritty of a real relationship that you might find it is or is not what you want. Being aromantic is about whether you experience romantic attraction. I can write up a whole dream list for a perfect partner and a perfect coupled life but ultimately it is still fantasy as my romantic repulsion will probably kill the mood pretty fast in reality. It is safer going into a relationship identifying as aromantic then later discovering if you develop romantic feelings rather than attempting a veneer of romance to see if it will sink in. 

 

On 08/12/2017 at 4:07 AM, purpleandgreylife said:

want to keep any displays of affection private,

This can just be a social awareness thing. You don't want other people to make assumptions about your relationship. Or you may have been socially conditioned to think affection is a private matter, not something to happen on a street corner (PDA can be very obnoxious). 

 

On 08/12/2017 at 4:07 AM, purpleandgreylife said:

I love to cuddle and the feeling of being held.

Many of the aros over on Arocalypse complain of being touch starved. Without the excuse of romance or a circle of accepting friends. For many they just want a friend to cuddle with. The meaning of platonic doesn't exclude touch and physical comfort (what is found-family except a deep loving platonic relationship with the physical comforts of familial love), really truly originally platonic was all about being homoerotic and sensual. 

 

On 08/12/2017 at 4:07 AM, purpleandgreylife said:

I want to spend time getting to know each other and spending time together--not necessarily dating, though very similar.

Romance can be read into a lot of things, some activities are more romantically coded than others, but for aromantics it seems to be all about intent and how you and the person you are with view the behaviour/activity. Of course getting to know someone you find interesting is going to look like a date because initial romantic dates are all about spending time and getting to know someone. I think in the five languages of love quiz some of us are playing around with http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/1227-five-love-languages/ you would rank pretty high on quality time as a way of recognising care and affection. 

 

From all you have said you don't sound not aromantic. Sorry about the wall of text. 

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