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Heavenlymayday

Hello! I might be ace or demi?

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Heavenlymayday

So first off, hello!

 

A little about me. I'm 38, I've been married for almost 20 years to my high school sweetheart. We're still madly in love and super close. Biggest issue we have really is a discrepancy in our sex drives. I've always assumed that I just had a low libido, and that might be true, but I'm starting to think there's more to it than that. 

 

I'm so glad this forum is here. I had not until fairly recently realized that asexuality was a thing and the more I learn about it the more my life makes sense. 

 

Some things are starting to add up. I never had a "boy crazy" phase in my adolescence like all my friends did. I wasn't "girl crazy" either. Basically I was supremely indifferent. I liked some characters on tv or in movies, but not in a "I want to date/kiss/marry that boy". It was more "they seem really cool, I wish I could hang out with them, what a great person". Even now I get celebrity "crushes" where someone is visually really nice looking, but it's not like I'd ever actually want to be physical with them or anything and again, it's usually the character that I find appealing. Best example I can think of is Doctor Who. I love that character. I think that Matt Smith and David Tennant are kind of goofy looking, but when they played the Doctor they were just very appealing. Don't know if that even makes sense. But there you are.  

 

So, for the longest time I've said that I've only ever been physically attracted to my husband, except recently I've started to realize that it's not that I'm attracted to him physically. I'm just alright with being physically intimate with him because I love him and I trust him and I know he needs physical intimacy.  When we're intimate it does feel good. I do have physical needs sometimes. But honestly I'd rather just take care of  my physical needs myself, and then afterwards cuddle and kiss and talk. If we weren't together for some reason I'd be devastated, but it wouldn't be the sex I'd miss. It'd be the closeness, the talking, the cuddling etc... I feel REALLY bad about this because he does have a pretty healthy sex drive and really is turned on by me, whereas I have to already pretty much be in the mood for me to feel like being intimate. It's usually hormonal for me, I only have a sex drive for a few days a month and the rest of the time I'm just not feeling it. And even then, I'd really rather just take care of it  myself. I feel bad about it. I feel disloyal. I feel selfish... Worst part is, I've tried telling him that I'm ok with sex just for him sometimes because I love him and I know he needs it, but if I'm not super into it he gets turned off and so now I just don't know what to do... Because it doesn't bother me to have sex with him, I like being close and I like making him feel good, but I can't always really get into it. Basically I get going when I'm ovulating and that's it. Otherwise it's pleasant being close, I enjoy the cuddles and pillow talk etc... but I can't really "get there". We've recently started talking about all of this, and I did tell him that I think I'm demi, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm ace? Still figuring this stuff out. Lots of introspection and reflection. Honestly I've only recently started looking into all of this because our 16 year old kiddo came out as gay this year and I've been reading and studying and trying to be as informed as possible on lgbt+ issues so I can be as supportive of him as I can. I read a bit about demisexuality and asexuality in passing and it was confusing because it simultaneously made sense and didn't make sense. I thought "how can I be asexual, I have sex and enjoy it" and the best description I found said "it's like enjoying an ice cream cone when you're not hungry" which is awfully close to how I have tried to explain my feelings about sex to my husband. I like cake, I enjoy eating cake. Most of the time I really don't want to go to the trouble to bake one because I don't NEED cake. It's nice but it's not that important to me.....

 

 

Anyways, I know this was kinda long and probably pretty personal, but maybe some of y'all will get me and have some perspective to offer?

 

Thanks! 

HM

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OptimisticPessimist

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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Lichley

Welcome! It's wonderful to hear how supportive you are of your son, and how willing you are to be educated in order to help them as best you can. I too started this journey for a similar reason, to be more supportive of a friend. :D 

An important factor to consider is that there are different types of attraction. It's definitely okay to enjoy sex, and to participate in it willingly for your husbands sake. The thing is asexuality is just a lack of sexual attraction. And that's it. Non-sexual kinks/fetishes, masturbation to deal with libido, willingness to willingly participate in sex for your partner don't affect it. The only thing that means you aren't asexual is experiencing sexual attraction. 

 

 

Sketchcomic - types of Attraction

 

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.Lia

Welcome! :cake:

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