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Lady MacBethany

My Best Friend is Ditching Me for a Guy

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Lady MacBethany

Hey guys, I haven't been around here in the last couple years, but I'm coming back in my hour of crisis like a prodigal son.

 

So basically I have this friend and we've gotten really close. Super close. Like, we've talked about being a queerplatonic partnership. But last month she started seeing this guy, and I am slowly (but not that slowly) being displaced by him. I know that it's normal for this to happen. I'm sure lots of you have stories that sound similar. I tend to be jealous, so I'm not thrilled that she's getting into an intimate relationship with another person. She realized that this was the case, and she's asked me repeatedly throughout their dating process how I felt about it. She's a person who really does not pick up on hints and prefers people to be straightforward. So I was. I told her that I didn't like it, but that it naturally wasn't my place as her friend to tell her what to do. We've had several serious talks since then. She keeps saying that my feelings are important to her and that she doesn't want to do anything to hurt our relationship, but her actions don't reflect that. She doesn't seem like she's actually willing to sacrifice anything for our friendship. 

 

Right now, I'm feeling like nothing I do will make a difference. In other circumstances I would probably just let things go and let the friendship fade naturally, but here's the kicker:  we're roommates. We're living together in an off-campus apartment, and we both graduate in May. I can't afford to live anywhere else, so I'm stuck being around her at least until May. 

 

Added details: she is not asexual, but she thinks she might be on the aromantic spectrum. She's aware that I am asexual and she is familiar with what that means. We also are going to couples therapy (even though we aren't romantically involved) to talk about these things. But the appointment isn't until the 14th and I am dying from the stress of all this.

 

Does anyone have any advice or words of comfort? Should I fight to make the friendship work or should I just let our relationship die? Is there an in-between option?

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Telecaster68

She's only been with him a month, so they'll still be in their honeymoon phase, spending all the time they can together etc., and that does tend to mean new couples see less of their friends.

 

... for a while.

 

Chances are, it'll all calm down a bit after a while, and though she'll naturally still see her boyfriend as her primary relationship (that's just the nature of things), she'll get back on a more even keel and you'll find a new normal.

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Amathy

I'm confused. Why is the friendship dying?  It's healthy for people to have multiple friendships and a relationship does not preclude other friendships. It sounds as if your friend is very concerned about your feeling and making the time to talk to you. So what if she is dating someone else?  I don't see how this spells the end of your friendship.  Don't let your jealously ruin a friendship. 

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Lady MacBethany
38 minutes ago, Amathy said:

I'm confused. Why is the friendship dying?  It's healthy for people to have multiple friendships and a relationship does not preclude other friendships. It sounds as if your friend is very concerned about your feeling and making the time to talk to you. So what if she is dating someone else?  I don't see how this spells the end of your friendship.  Don't let your jealously ruin a friendship. 

The reason it's a problem is because when we talk about it she says that her relationship with me is the most important thing to her, and I know that she believes this to be the case, but at the end of the day she just does whatever she wants without regard to how things affect me. In short, we had a really, really close friendship. That kind of thing takes a lot of maintenance, especially in terms of time. Even though she says she wants our friendship to be a priority, she's no longer willing to make any sacrifices for our relationship. For me, that's a problem.

 

As for the jealousy, I'm trying not to let my own feelings of jealousy take over. But at the end of the day, thinking about my jealousy as a stumbling block is only resulting in me feeling guilty and ashamed of my own jealousy, while not actually helping with the jealousy itself. Because of that, I'm trying to reframe it as "this is the way I feel and I have to accept that" instead of trying to bury it.

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Kai99

When you say she isn't making any sacrifices, what do you mean? Since you live together, do you guys still talk, do things together, or is she out all the time with her boyfriend?

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Lucas Monteiro

That's the problem with having queerplatonic relationships with someone who is not asexual/aromantic, they tend to soon or later stopping giving all the attention they gave to you because they entered in an new relationship. And as @Telecaster68 pointed out, their relationship is still in the honeymoon phase, the problem is that it is said that this phase takes more or less one year to go away. Relationships like that are really complicated to have with someone who is sexual, even being only strong emotional connection, those emotional connections end going to their boyfriend/girlfriend at the end, so you will have to be patience and see where this will go, and if she continues to do that with you even after you talking straightforward to her again, I think it's best to let it go the friendship after May, when you graduate.

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Lady MacBethany
10 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

When you say she isn't making any sacrifices, what do you mean? Since you live together, do you guys still talk, do things together, or is she out all the time with her boyfriend?

When I say that she isn't making any sacrifices, I mean that while she says that she wants to compromise and come up with solutions, her actions don't reflect that. She isn't dedicating the necessary time to make our relationship work. We still spend time together, but that time is less and less every week. She's making time for him by removing time from me. I know that it's her life, her relationships, her choice on how to deal with that. But it's still a painful process, even more so since she says that she's trying not to let having a boyfriend change our friendship.

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Kai99
Quote

She's making time for him by removing time from me.

But that should be expected. No longer is it just you two, she has another relationship she wants to put time into. You both go to college and I'm assuming either of you have part time jobs right? She can't take away time from college to spend with him. If she has a job, she cant neglect that either. The free time she has with you is now being split with her boyfriend. I dont think she is trying to cut you out since she has come to talk with you about this. I think it feels like she is because she is splitting her time with you while in the past, you had all her attention. As much as she doesnt want it to effect your relationship, it obviously will because for her relationship with her boyfriend to work, she has to spend time with him too.

 

Since you guys discussed a queer platonic relationship beforehand, I can see how close you two became so seeing what is happening now must be really painful.  Now I will say it is harder for quee platonic relationships to work if one person is still interested in dating other people. Regardless of how close you become platonically, romantic relationships tend to take center focus, at least in the beginning. That honeymoon phase can be a difficult time for a lot of close friendships because during that phase, the number one priority becomes their partner. Now that doesnt mean the friendship has to die, but if the relationship become serious, you will have to get use to her spending a lot of time with him. Now I think you have to be honest with what you want from this relationship. If what you wanted was an inclusive relationship where you are each other number one, than that obviously wont happen if she is still interested in romantic relationships. If you arent interested in a relationship where you arent number one priority, than you have to asked yourself if you want to continue. If you do want to continue, you have to be open to her dating and spending time with other people. Maybe look into a poly dynamic where you guys are platonic partners but she can still get her romantic relationship else where.

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Lady MacBethany
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If you arent interested in a relationship where you arent number one priority, than you have to asked yourself if you want to continue. If you do want to continue, you have to be open to her dating and spending time with other people. Maybe look into a poly dynamic where you guys are platonic partners but she can still get her romantic relationship else where.

Thanks for that advice. I think I'm going to have to talk me to her about what we want from our relationship. I think it's just hard because she doesn't see why anything has to change, but I do. Thanks for all the insight!

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Tarfeather

I think at the end of the day, you can not really change this shift in dynamic. Your choices are most likely to accept this as it is, or not (and break up the relationship). Although with regards to the room mate thing, it seems to me that your friend is acting highly irresponsible. Introducing this kind of volatility into a situation where both of you have little financial room to adjust is not a good idea. It sounds to me like your friend simply doesn't care, since they're not the one who will have to live with someone whose presence gives them emotional pain for several months. If that's actually the case, I think that person would not be partner material anyway.

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Antihero.

Doesn’t sound like she is replacing you and your friendship to me! She would replace you if she would make a new best/close friend and just ditch you and end your friendship.
This guy however is a romantic and/or sexual partner/interest of her isn’t he? Hence her relationship to him is a totally different type than yours. It is another type of relationship occurring in her life in addition to yours and I honestly don’t see why you would get jealous here. You two aren’t a couple, it’s not like she’s betraying or cheating on you. People have both platonic friends, even a best/close friend and a romantic and/or sexual partner; there is nothing out of the ordinary or morally wrong here.  
And that she would see him often now especially when they are newly into each other and that she has to divide the time between her partner and her friends now is totally normal as well.


Why do you have a problem with your friend finding a partner in the first place?  
It’s not like you have romantic or sexual feelings for her or that you want to be in that guys place so I don’t see the conflict you have here. Because many if not most people want a romantic and/or sexual partner in their life and if your friend is not asexual she probably wants a sexual relationship and if she turned out not to be aromantic a romantic relationship as well.  And you can’t nor want to be that for her, you’re her platonic friend.

Of course you can end the friendship and break the contact but is it really worth it to end a close friendship over your friend finding a partner? Maybe you won’t be the only person she’s spending time with now but if she is a good friend - and since she seems to care a lot about you and ask how you feel and even goes as far as to attend therapy together with you (that’s extraordinary, not every friend would do something like that) - she will still find time for you as well. 
Besides, what would you do with the next close friend you make when they find a partner? Ditch them and break the contact again? 

In case you decide you don’t want to have anything to do with her and don’t want to see her face anymore, you could only search for another roommate or move out into another flat share if you can’t afford to live on your own.

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banana monkey
11 minutes ago, Antihero. said:

 You two aren’t a couple,
Why do you have a problem with your friend finding a partner in the first place?  

 

The OP states that she saw this as and that they had talked about a queerplatonic partnership. Many people in QPP's see themselves as couples.( but not all) For many a QPP is a partnership just like a romantic partnership is a partnership. In which case, it would be totally normal to feel jealous and have a problem with it. By the nature of the word the feelings are Queerplatonic and so it is not the same as being a platonic friend. Quite a few QPP's are exclusive (if I were to have one it would be) some are not and so you end up with something a bit like a poly arrangement where by one half of the QPP is effectively in 2 (or more) couples at once. 

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Antihero.
16 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

The OP states that she saw this as and that they had talked about a queerplatonic partnership. Many people in QPP's see themselves as couples.( but not all) For many a QPP is a partnership just like a romantic partnership is a partnership. In which case, it would be totally normal to feel jealous and have a problem with it. By the nature of the word the feelings are Queerplatonic and so it is not the same as being a platonic friend. Quite a few QPP's are exclusive (if I were to have one it would be) some are not and so you end up with something a bit like a poly arrangement where by one half of the QPP is effectively in 2 (or more) couples at once. 

Platonic is platonic. Romantic is romantic. And I don’t really get what this concept you’re talking about is supposed to be again but the word platonic is definitely in it.  
 

Be that as it may, I don’t know what the OP considered this to be but in case they didn’t both know that they were in a real committed relationship my point still stands.
If her friend was in a committed relationship with her and not her friend but actually her partner then that was cheating and she should kick her out of the apartment without mercy or any talking. [If they didn't both agree for this to be an open relationship before this that is of course.] 
If they were a couple I find the wording she used here, especially referring to her as her friend, misleading and confusing though.

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Lady MacBethany
35 minutes ago, Antihero. said:

Why do you have a problem with your friend finding a partner in the first place?  

I think that there are two main reasons, one concrete and one more nebulous. The concrete problem I have is that she is not spending nearly as much time with me as she used to. She's taking time and other resources away from her platonic relationship with me in order to funnel those resources into her new romantic relationship. That's why I'm jealous. The second, more nebulous reason is that it just pains me to see her forming this new, intimate bond with someone else. I guess that just has to do with my own queerplatonic feelings for her and the inescapable feeling that I'm not enough for her. I know that this is common, and I'm completely aware that this isn't her fault and she might not be able to do anything about this. But it's part of how I feel. 

 

We had talked before about how I filled many of the roles of a romantic partner for her. But now I feel like I'm being cast aside for her to explore (her word, not mine) a romantic relationship instead of the type of informal queerplatonic relationship we had before. One thing I want to highlight here is that she doesn't want our relationship to end over this. She wants both relationships, the informal qp relationship we had before and this new romantic relationship. She doesn't understand why she can't have both.

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banana monkey
25 minutes ago, Lady MacBethany said:

I. She doesn't understand why she can't have both.

There isnt any reason why she can't. It is common to have both. In fact, I think it very common to do so from what I have read on Aven. In fact, according to one of the AVENwikis queerplatonic relationships are by definition not based on exclusivity. (although for some like me they are) The only reason why she can't is because you want the QP relationship to be exclusive. She clearly doesnt want exclusivity so maybe in that case as she has indicated that until now she didnt understand you were in a QP partnership or exclusive and seems to be indicating she would choose romantic partner as primary, you have to decide whether you can deal with the arrangement she is proposing or if it is important to you to remain exclusive with partners (totally understandable I would probably be the same) in which case your only option may be to end the relationship (and probably leave) and try to find another one when you are ready. 

 

I assume you have tried to explain to her the reasons why you think she cant have both. Though this is a matter of opinion and she is entitled to disagree with you but it may be good to have the discussion to understand each others point of view. You have probably already done that though. 

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banana monkey
17 minutes ago, Antihero. said:

Platonic is platonic. Romantic is romantic. And I don’t really get what this concept you’re talking about is supposed to be again but the word platonic is definitely in it.  
 

If they were a couple I find the wording she used here, especially referring to her as her friend, misleading and confusing though.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

 

However, I think you may be right that from the wording she used it may be that such a partnership had not been definately agreed upon, although it had been talked about and that the friend may not have been clear on it. Added that doing my research I have found out that although many QP's are exclusive it is common for them not to be and aromanticwiki states they are usually not does make things very confusing. 

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Antihero.
34 minutes ago, Lady MacBethany said:

I think that there are two main reasons, one concrete and one more nebulous. The concrete problem I have is that she is not spending nearly as much time with me as she used to. She's taking time and other resources away from her platonic relationship with me in order to funnel those resources into her new romantic relationship. That's why I'm jealous.

As I stated that is normal. She has to divide her time and as someone else said couples that are just starting to date are often investing more time into building their relationship, spending time with each other and they want to see each other as much as possible too. If that phase is gone she will have more time for you again even though she would also spend time with her partner.

 

34 minutes ago, Lady MacBethany said:

The second, more nebulous reason is that it just pains me to see her forming this new, intimate bond with someone else. I guess that just has to do with my own queerplatonic feelings for her and the inescapable feeling that I'm not enough for her. I know that this is common, and I'm completely aware that this isn't her fault and she might not be able to do anything about this. But it's part of how I feel. 

I don’t really get the queerplatonic thing and I probably won’t but I get what you’re describing here.
You have a right to your feelings of course and I’m sorry that you’re feeling that you’re not enough for her but that’s something that can happen when one party only needs a close friend, platonic relationship in their life and the other party has romantic and/or sexual needs as well. There is a discrepancy between what both parties need and want in life and it’s not the fault of either party but it can be hurtful for both of them I suppose.  

 

34 minutes ago, Lady MacBethany said:

But now I feel like I'm being cast aside for her to explore (her word, not mine) a romantic relationship instead of the type of informal queerplatonic relationship we had before. 

If she was really “exploring” or experimenting and means it like this, that would be selfish behaviour to say the least that I don’t find acceptable at all. By doing that she would be fooling and playing around with you and with her romantic partner ( as I don't think that she told him he is her tool for exploring romance).

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Aliquot

Hey,

 

Sorry to jump in but I’ve been in a similar situation before and it sucks! It sounds like you are in a very painful position: you feel like you are losing one of your most important relationships and have little control over the situation. On top of that, you are struggling with feelings of jealousy, which has a knock on effect of making you feel guilty.

 

It doesn’t really matter whether you call a relationship platonic or romantic or whatever, if you love someone your emotions don’t tend to follow accepted rules!

 

To me it sounds like your friend does still care a lot about you and your relationship together, and it’s great that you have spoken about how hard you are finding this and are going to couples therapy together. However as others have said, new relationships tend to suck people in, at least for a few months, and massively reduce the amount of time and energy they can give to their other relationships. This doesn’t mean that she is lying to you when she says wants to maintain your friendship but then goes off with the new guy; she’s just in a crazy happy bubble of hormones at the moment that is focussed on someone else. She will come back to you, and be grateful for your support.

 

That doesn’t help you much in the meantime tho, suddenly finding yourself adrift and battling with difficult emotions. It seems like you are very aware of how you are feeling which is a good thing, but it must really hurt!

 

The only small suggestion I have is to put some more time into some other aspect of your own life: start a new project or class, volunteer or give more to something you already do. It won’t stop you hurting, but it will maybe give you something positive to focus on, take your mind off worrying, and instead when your friend comes back from a date or a day out, you can go ‘that’s great! I had a great day too! Here’s what I did’

 

Hope that helps a little... Good luck and best wishes!

A x

 

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Lady MacBethany
4 hours ago, banana monkey said:

I assume you have tried to explain to her the reasons why you think she cant have both. Though this is a matter of opinion and she is entitled to disagree with you but it may be good to have the discussion to understand each others point of view. You have probably already done that though.

We've talked about it several times, and she's still saying that she's not going to choose between the two of us, so I don't know if the words I said really sank in. I think she just might be in denial about the situation. But it's definitely something I'll bring up in our couples' therapy appointment.

 

2 hours ago, Aliquot said:

She will come back to you, and be grateful for your support.

I've been reading about these kinds of situations, and it seems like often people will come back to their friends after the honeymoon phase. The sad thing is that we both graduate in a few months, so I don't know if I'll be waiting around long enough for her to come back to me. 

 

2 hours ago, Aliquot said:

 

Hope that helps a little... Good luck and best wishes!

Thanks so much! Your advice was really helpful. I'll definitely look into doing more activities to fill my schedule.

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Apathetic Echidna
On 07/12/2017 at 7:47 AM, Lady MacBethany said:

her new romantic relationship.

 

On 07/12/2017 at 3:38 AM, Lady MacBethany said:

she thinks she might be on the aromantic spectrum

okay, I am confused. 

 

On 07/12/2017 at 7:47 AM, Lady MacBethany said:

explore (her word, not mine) a romantic relationship

so she is testing where her boundaries are and seeking to discover things about herself? She might be on a interesting and exciting educational quest so you could try to treat it like a special educational assignment. However with the ongoing issues you have with communication and understanding it might be that you have a disconnect in the way you need to feel cared for versus the way you both show that care. On another site this link came up http://www.5lovelanguages.com and it is just interesting to see where people put the importance. Basically everyone else in the thread has given all the good advice, but I just thought if you both do the quiz and then compare answers it might possibly add some insight, maybe. 

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banana monkey
On 07/12/2017 at 1:50 AM, Lady MacBethany said:

We've talked about it several times, and she's still saying that she's not going to choose between the two of us, so I don't know if the words I said really sank in. I think she just might be in denial about the situation. But it's definitely something I'll bring up in our couples' therapy appointment.

 

 

Ok, so its clear she doesnt believe there is a reason why she can't have both. Which is totally understandable, most people dont. It would be even more understandable if in her eyes you are/were not in a QPP (which is what seems to be the case from your post) Therefore, you have to decide whether you are willing to continue with that viewpoint or if exclusivity in a partnership is important enough for you to cut ties, which would give you the emotional space to find someone who agrees with your point of view and is looking for an exclusive partnership. The ball is in your court basically. 

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chandrakirti

You know that thing where people say 'if you love someone , you'll let them go?' . you may be surprised at the result. Don't try to force anything, just let her do what she feels. It's her life but she may still want to be a large part of yours too.

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fiѕh

there is an in between option, you can let it go and still be her friend.

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