Acceptance

[Shadowstepper]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I have no idea how you got that from what I said.

 

Because that is the whole point of this argument. That he feels justified in cheating.

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

You're right. OP, during the twenty years, did you at any point make it clear that never having sex was a problem and you would like to have more sex?

Specifically did you make it clear that having no sex was a deal breaker?

[Telecaster68]

Just now, Yatagarasu said:

Because the OP apparently uses this to justify his actions.

I wasn't though. I was making the point that where there's such a basic incompatability between two people, both are equally able and responsible for finding a solution, including leaving.

[IronHamster]

1 minute ago, Yatagarasu said:

Because the OP apparently uses this to justify his actions.

I'm not sure what you think I am justifying.   My actions are justified.  There are asexuals here that use body autonomy as a reason for no sex in marriage.  I use it for sex outside marriage.  My body my rights.  Right?  

[Yatagarasu]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I wasn't though. I was making the point that where there's such a basic incompatability between two people, both are equally able and responsible for finding a solution, including leaving.

Ah, yes, indeed. Pardon my ignorance here.

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, Shadowstepper said:

Because that is the whole point of this argument. That he feels justified in cheating.

The reason cheating is bad is that it breaks trust, yes? So when your spouse has given every indication that sex will be part of the marriage, and then reneges on that, what do you think it does to your trust in them?

[IronHamster]

I find the divorce advocates hopelessly binary in their thinking.  

 

Look.  Replacing the flywheel on a 1998 Oldsmobile is a cut and dried problem and solution.  Parts, tools, procedures.   All the same.  

 

Human relationships are like migraines.  What works for you might not be a solution for someone else.  

[Telecaster68]

When did you wife know the lack of sex was a big problem, @IronHamster?

[Wolf27]

2 hours ago, IronHamster said:

 

That being said, I am kind of past it, anyway.  Nobody actually wants to have sex with someone that does not want sex.    

I hope not! That would be the definition of rape. Your wife owes you nothing. Her body, her choice. If you don't like it get a divorce. Stop trying to find validation where you are not going to find it. 

[IronHamster]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

When did you wife know the lack of sex was a big problem, @IronHamster?

Year 1.  It not only took a year to consummate the marriage,  but every alternative we had been playing with dried up, too.  I expressed a lot of grief and frustration, but I was also loving and committed to making our marriage work.  I saw this as temporary.  She went through counseling.  I took on more responsibilities.  I took her out.  I bought her things.  Then, kids came along and I was even more committed.  

 

I can tell you the conception dates and times of all our kids.   It was that sparse.  

[Shadowstepper]

1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

Year 1.  It not only took a year to consummate the marriage,  but every alternative we had been playing with dried up, too.  I expressed a lot of grief and frustration, but I was also loving and committed to making our marriage work.  I saw this as temporary.  She went through counseling.  I took on more responsibilities.  I took her out.  I bought her things.  Then, kids came along and I was even more committed.  

 

I can tell you the conception dates and times of all our kids.   It was that sparse.  

Not when it became a problem, when SHE saw it as a problem. Does she now? It sounds more like she is ok with not having sex and it doesn't bother her.

[Telecaster68]

There you go @Shadowstepper. She knew. So it wasn't obliviousness.

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, Shadowstepper said:

Not when it became a problem, when SHE saw it as a problem. Does she now? It sounds more like she is ok with not having sex and it doesn't bother her.

Obviously she doesn't see not having sex as a problem for herself, and never will. That's the definition of being asexual. The point is when she was able to understand it was a problem in the relationship, which sounds pretty much 'from year one'.

 

If she doesn't see her husband grieving and frustrated over lack of sex as a relationship problem, she must have major empathy problems.

[IronHamster]

1 minute ago, Wolf27 said:

I hope not! That would be the definition of rape. Your wife owes you nothing. Her body, her choice. If you don't like it get a divorce. Stop trying to find validation where you are not going to find it. 

Semantically, it is not rape.  She has had sex with me willingly, but just because she spreads her legs and I drive her to orgasm does not mean she wants to have sex with me.  She wants to placate me.  Nobody wants sex like that.  Do you see the difference?  Sexual bonding is such a foreign concept to some.  

 

Anyhow, if she is not obliged to have sex inside marriage I am not obliged to not have sex outside marriage.   

 

I do not understand why that is such a hard concept to grasp.  The logic flows like water.  

[Shadowstepper]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Obviously she doesn't see not having sex as a problem for herself, and never will. That's the definition of being asexual. The point is when she was able to understand it was a problem in the relationship, which sounds pretty much 'from year one'.

 

If she doesn't see her husband grieving and frustrated over lack of sex as a relationship problem, she must have major empathy problems.

My point being that if she didn't have a problem with it, she wouldn't have taken steps to actually do anything about it.

 

Not everyone views their spouses problems as something they need to pay great attention to. Similar to how she has a problem with him cheating, and he thinks it's no big deal.

 

It isn't fair. It isn't right. But that's the way it is sometimes.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Not everyone views their spouses problems as something they need to pay great attention to.

It's not a spouse's problem. It's a joint, relationship problem. Why? Because it'll end in divorce or infidelity.

 

And anyway, what sort of marriage do you have where you don't pay any attention to spouse's problems with the relationship. It's callous.

 

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Sexual bonding is such a foreign concept to some.  

To many asexuals, specifically.

[Yatagarasu]

5 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I'm not sure what you think I am justifying.   My actions are justified.  There are asexuals here that use body autonomy as a reason for no sex in marriage.  I use it for sex outside marriage.  My body my rights.  Right?

No they aren't. You entered the marriage to stay faithful.

Also:

Bacteria "mate" to transfer genetic material for their own good (for instance, to transfer resistance genes to some antibiotics), but they reproduce by division. Plants do it asexually. Evolution invented partnered sex amongst some animalia for reproduction too. Only humans and some monkeys have sex to also get pleasure from it as it makes the body release certain hormones that stimulate the brain, but still, its main function is reproduction. Naturally, she did her job and you have children.

[IronHamster]

3 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

No they aren't. You entered the marriage to stay faithful.

Also:

Bacteria "mate" to transfer genetic material for their own good (for instance, to transfer resistance genes to some antibiotics), but they reproduce by division. Plants do it asexually. Evolution invented partnered sex amongst some animalia for reproduction too. Only humans and some monkeys have sex to also get pleasure from it as it makes the body release certain hormones that stimulate the brain, but still, its main function is reproduction. Naturally, she did her job and you have children.

What a bunch of nonsense.   Her job was to have a complete relationship with me.  Faithfulness means she fucks me once every day at minimum, for over an hour three times a week at minimum, and all night long once a week at minimum.  Faithfulness is about meeting expectations.  She never faithfully executed her responsibilities as a sexual mate.  She offered only a minimum to keep hope alive while she enjoyed the social and economic and emotional benefits of being with me.  

[Yatagarasu]

1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

What a bunch of nonsense.   Her job was to have a complete relationship with me.  Faithfulness means she fucks me once every day at minimum, for over an hour three times a week at minimum, and all night long once a week at minimum.  Faithfulness is about meeting expectations.  She never faithfully executed her responsibilities as a sexual mate.  She offered only a minimum to keep hope alive while she enjoyed the social and economic and emotional benefits of being with me. 

Do you call biology nonsense? I just spit my tea. 
"Once a day at minimum" even during her period? I can understand how you, males are fertile throughout your entire life, as you produce sperm everyday, but female reproductive cycle occurs once per month, my dude.

[Telecaster68]

What's fertility got to do with it?

[Yatagarasu]

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What's fertility got to do with it?

Sperm production needs release. In one way or another.

[Telecaster68]

Wanting to have a marriage that includes sex is nothing to do with needing to release sperm.

[IronHamster]

6 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

Do you call biology nonsense? I just spit my tea. 
"Once a day at minimum" even during her period? I can understand how you, males are fertile throughout your entire life, as you produce sperm everyday, but female reproductive cycle occurs once per month, my dude.

Comparing reproductive systems in creatures without so much as an amygdala to humans is poppycock.  

[IronHamster]

9 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

Do you call biology nonsense? I just spit my tea. 
"Once a day at minimum" even during her period? I can understand how you, males are fertile throughout your entire life, as you produce sperm everyday, but female reproductive cycle occurs once per month, my dude.

Redwings?  Oh, you asexuals are so sheltered I pity you, being unable to fully appreciate the human experience.   

[Shadowstepper]

1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

Redwings?  Oh, you asexuals are so sheltered I pity you, being unable to fully appreciate the human experience.   

Not all of us asexuals are sheltered, so save your pity.

 

But on the subject, sexual activity can actually be enhanced a great deal during "that time of the month". Most people just think its gross cause of the blood, but it can actually be a lot of fun.

 

The afterwards does look like a horror scene though, lol.

[Yatagarasu]

1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

Comparing reproductive systems in creatures without so much as an amygdala to humans is poppycock.  

I was trying to tell you that each organism has its own reproduction strategy. Maybe humans aren't animals then?

 

3 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Oh, you asexuals are so sheltered I pity you, being unable to fully appreciate the human experience.

Some asexuals want to have kids. I don't fancy spreading my genes and contributing to my country's birthrate.

[IronHamster]

2 minutes ago, Shadowstepper said:

Not all of us asexuals are sheltered, so save your pity.

 

But on the subject, sexual activity can actually be enhanced a great deal during "that time of the month". Most people just think its gross cause of the blood, but it can actually be a lot of fun.

 

The afterwards does look like a horror scene though, lol.

Put a towel down.  The rest washes off in the shower.  

[IronHamster]

Just now, Yatagarasu said:

I was trying to tell you that each organism has its own reproduction strategy. Maybe humans aren't animals then?

 

Some asexuals want to have kids. I don't fancy spreading my genes and contributing to my country's birthrate.

Your genes are defective.   They lack both sexuality and survival.  The third world countries will replace what you do not contribute.  

[Yatagarasu]

3 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Your genes are defective.   They lack both sexuality and survival.  The third world countries will replace what you do not contribute. 

Nah, they're fine ~

[IronHamster]

18 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wanting to have a marriage that includes sex is nothing to do with needing to release sperm.

Amen.  Even great sex has nothing to do with the release of sperm.  Some of my best romps never resulted in orgasm.  There is just so much more.  I wish there was some way to explain what asexuals were missing.   I know if I ever lost my sex drive I would go to any extent to get it back.