Acceptance

[Telecaster68]

32 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Relationships work best when each partner is already happy, being alone, in their own skin,  before getting into a relationship.    We may be able to contribute to that happiness, but that's as far as it can go.  If we depend on our partner to "make" us happy, we're going to be sorely disappointed, and blame our partner for not 'stepping up'. 

I agree, but the world is not optimal, and we should at least try - within our own boundaries - to help make them happy. We're not responsible for them being happy, but we can be responsible for them *not* being happy and we should avoid that too, again within our own boundaries. Anything else is simply a licence to be completely selfish. 

[vega57]

10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I agree, but the world is not optimal, and we should at least try - within our own boundaries - to help make them happy.

Yes.   THAT'S what I'm saying.  The "within our boundaries" is an important part.   But there are some people--including my late husband--who don't want us to HAVE any boundaries.  He wanted me to be 'up' for anything and EVERYTHING he wanted to do sexually.  That included having sex in public places.  To me, that crossed the line.  And he was very disappointed when I said, "HELL NO!"  Was I supposed to submit to, what I and probably MOST others, consider to be an unreasonable expectation, in order to "make" him "happy"? 

 

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We're not responsible for them being happy, but we can be responsible for them *not* being happy and we should avoid that too, again within our own boundaries. Anything else is simply a licence to be completely selfish. 

I like to think of it this way:  We're not responsible for our spouse, but we ARE to be responsible toward them. 

 

I also believe (and I'm sure you do, too) that selfishness is a two-way street.  Once can be selfish by not 'giving' enough, while the other wants to 'take' too much. 

[IronHamster]

1 hour ago, vega57 said:

It's not the truth, but I'll bite.  If it's HER job to make him happy enough to not want to cheat, then it's equally HIS job to make her happy enough to want to have sex with him.  I know he said that he "tried" to make her happy.  Trying is not succeeding. 

 

Obviously, he didn't do his job. 

 

Relationships work best when each partner is already happy, being alone, in their own skin,  before getting into a relationship.    We may be able to contribute to that happiness, but that's as far as it can go.  If we depend on our partner to "make" us happy, we're going to be sorely disappointed, and blame our partner for not 'stepping up'.  Instead, we need to be responsible for our own happiness while...

 

If someone does not want to fuck you, you can jump through every hoop in the three ring circus of excuses and they will still not want to fuck you.  Trust me.  I have learned this lesson in a very bitter way.  

[vega57]

6 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

If someone does not want to fuck you, you can jump through every hoop in the three ring circus of excuses and they will still not want to fuck you.  Trust me.  I have learned this lesson in a very bitter way.  

Maybe your wife doesn't want to "fuck" you.  Maybe she'd rather make love with you. 

 

But heck, if you just want to "fuck", I guess you found a source who wants to..."fuck" you....

[IronHamster]

12 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Maybe your wife doesn't want to "fuck" you.  Maybe she'd rather make love with you. 

 

But heck, if you just want to "fuck", I guess you found a source who wants to..."fuck" you....

A sports car can run at any speed, but should not be left to rust in the garage.  

 

That being said, I still think she should be happy I have a partner that I can race with and push it to the limit, redlining all night long.  Anyone who knows how difficult it is to find an incredibly matched partner should applaud us.  

[MrDane]

4 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

If someone does not want to fuck you, you can jump through every hoop in the three ring circus of excuses and they will still not want to fuck you.  Trust me.  I have learned this lesson in a very bitter way.  

Rigth! That is the basis of this, though I dont really get that with the excuces. There is nothing you can do to turn your ace on. They dont have that switch. So the sexual need to change focus from sex/lovemaking/hornyness to massage/release

[nothinbuttrouble]

Marriage shouldn't be about sex, it's a mistake. Sex does not good companionship make. Sure, they can co-exist but the two are entirely different animals. However, good companionship does entail giving a shit about each other- including whether or not your partner is miserable and whether you can find it in your heart to compromise for the sake of their happiness. If you can't find it in your heart to make such a compromise, especially when your partner has respected your feelings for the last 20 years- how much can you actually care about this person? Love is different from sex, it just is. A person getting physical urges met by someone else doesn't mean they don't love you. Especially if they accepted that you don't want to have sex with them and yet still want to be with you.

[vega57]

7 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

A sports car can run at any speed, but should not be left to rust in the garage.  

 

That being said, I still think she should be happy I have a partner that I can race with and push it to the limit, redlining all night long.  Anyone who knows how difficult it is to find an incredibly matched partner should applaud us.  

O.k., dude.  Don't forget that you also had an "incredibly matched partner" in your wife BEFORE you married her.......................

[IronHamster]

1 minute ago, vega57 said:

O.k., dude.  Don't forget that you also had an "incredibly matched partner" in your wife BEFORE you married her.......................

Wrong.  She took a part out of her drive train at the altar, or before.   That car just won't go.  

[vega57]

4 minutes ago, MrDane said:

 So the sexual need to change focus from sex/lovemaking/hornyness to massage/release

MrDane,

 

Is that WHY you got married?  Because you were "horny" and want SOMEONE ELSE to give you that "release"? 

[vega57]

Just now, IronHamster said:

Wrong.  She took a part out of her drive train at the altar, or before.   That car just won't go.  

 

[vega57]

Just now, IronHamster said:

Wrong.  She took a part out of her drive train at the altar, or before.   That car just won't go.  

Which "part" is that?  Did you not tell us that she was INJURED during your honeymoon?  Did you not tell us that her injure would take about 12 weeks to heal?  Did you do any research on her injury and discover that her injury can yield LIFE LONG pain? 

 

Did you marry her because you THOUGHT that you would be getting the sex that you wanted..positions...places....etc.  without even telling her FIRST what you wanted and expected? 

 

Ever occur to you that maybe her "drive train" was defunct because she had a husband who looked at sex as "fucking"?

[Chimeric]

22 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Ever occur to you that maybe her "drive train" was defunct because she had a husband who looked at sex as "fucking"?

Which again begs the inconvenient question - have you considered that maybe her attempts to compromise with you have been met by utter disdain?

 

That's not a great turn-on for anyone.

[vega57]

Sex is like....chicken (for a lot of women). 

 

No matter how much you "dress it up", grilled it, sautee it, bake it, broil it, stir fry it, cover it with all kind of sauces, slice it into different patterns and pieces...in the end, it's STILL chicken. 

 

Maybe your spouse doesn't want chicken as much as you do.  You may LOVE chicken, no matter how it's 'prepared'.  YOU want "variety" with chicken.  Your spouse wants variety in life, without chicken being the end-all-be-all of LIFE.  She wants steak....veal...pork...ham....pasta...(getting hungry now, lol), turkey, beef stew....

 

....Yet, you want chicken.  And some of you want it for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then some.  

 

It's always the same.  Prepare the chicken (foreplay).  It becomes predictable.  And...boring.  Your partner already KNOWS what the end result will be.  You'll get her off, thrust and thrust, thrust, thrust, etc.,  until you have yours. 

 

Ho hum. 

 

You know what so many women want?  It isn't "fucking".  It's intimacy. 

 

I'm going to reveal what *I* would have wanted in my sexual 'romps'.

 

I DON'T want a man who wants to "get off".  Had that too many times. Instead of kissing me, putting his hand on my breast (what little of it there is, lol!), moving his hand toward my vagina, removing my clothes, going down on me....yadda, yadda, yadda...

 

...I would have LOVED if he just wanted to HOLD me....and if were naked, if he JUST put his penis inside of me....looked in my eyes...tell me that he loved me because (fill in blank)...and for me to tell him the same thing....WITHOUT him thrusting toward orgasm. 

 

Damn.  I would have cried because of all of the love I felt for him at that moment.....

 

Did any of you guys treat your spouse like that.....so they KNOW that's how you feel? 

 

Could you EVER tell your spouse, "I don't care if I NEVER have this experience again, as long as I had it with YOU, ONCE in my lifetime"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[IronHamster]

38 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Sex is like....chicken (for a lot of women). 

 

No matter how much you "dress it up", grilled it, sautee it, bake it, broil it, stir fry it, cover it with all kind of sauces, slice it into different patterns and pieces...in the end, it's STILL chicken. 

 

Maybe your spouse doesn't want chicken as much as you do.  You may LOVE chicken, no matter how it's 'prepared'.  YOU want "variety" with chicken.  Your spouse wants variety in life, without chicken being the end-all-be-all of LIFE.  She wants steak....veal...pork...ham....pasta...(getting hungry now, lol), turkey, beef stew....

 

....Yet, you want chicken.  And some of you want it for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then some.  

 

It's always the same.  Prepare the chicken (foreplay).  It becomes predictable.  And...boring.  Your partner already KNOWS what the end result will be.  You'll get her off, thrust and thrust, thrust, thrust, etc.,  until you have yours. 

 

Ho hum. 

 

You know what so many women want?  It isn't "fucking".  It's intimacy. 

 

I'm going to reveal what *I* would have wanted in my sexual 'romps'.

 

I DON'T want a man who wants to "get off".  Had that too many times. Instead of kissing me, putting his hand on my breast (what little of it there is, lol!), moving his hand toward my vagina, removing my clothes, going down on me....yadda, yadda, yadda...

 

...I would have LOVED if he just wanted to HOLD me....and if were naked, if he JUST put his penis inside of me....looked in my eyes...tell me that he loved me because (fill in blank)...and for me to tell him the same thing....WITHOUT him thrusting toward orgasm. 

 

Damn.  I would have cried because of all of the love I felt for him at that moment.....

 

Did any of you guys treat your spouse like that.....so they KNOW that's how you feel? 

 

Could you EVER tell your spouse, "I don't care if I NEVER have this experience again, as long as I had it with YOU, ONCE in my lifetime"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Um.  What is the difference between love making and fucking?  

 

In both cases, we are talking about the penis cycling back in some fashion in the vagina.  In both cases, each partner is enjoying the interaction with the other.  It is just that fucking stars off aggressive and love making turns into fucking anyway.  

 

The thing no woman wants is the one pump chump.  That shit turns into nothing but frustration.   

 

By the way, I rarely cum during sex.   I need other things to be sexually satisfied.  Just because I cum that does not mean it was good, nor does it mean I am done.  Just because I do not cum, that does not mean the sex is not top rate.  I am a very passionate and caring lover, as any of my partners except my wife would testify.  

 

I can tell you that I never care if I have a sexual experience again with a lover that I am not compatible with.  In fact, I would prefer not to.  It is not about the sex.  It is about the intimacy.   Intimacy makes for good sex, even good fucking. 

[vega57]

5 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Um.  What is the difference between love making and fucking?  

 

Wow.  You really don't know...?  If you don't, then it's no WONDER why your wife may not want to have sex with you.  If you see sex as "fucking", then perhaps your wife sees "fucking" as an animal that pees onto another animal. 

 

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In both cases, we are talking about the penis cycling back in some fashion in the vagina.  In both cases, each partner is enjoying the interaction with the other.  It is just that fucking stars off aggressive and love making turns into fucking anyway.  

Enjoying?  What's there to "enjoy" about something that rhythmic and boring?    And who sez that "fucking" turns into "lovemaking"? 

 

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The thing no woman wants is the one pump chump.  That shit turns into nothing but frustration.   

You're right.  But if the pump, pump, pump thing is what you're after, what's the difference between ONE 'pump' or 56?

 

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By the way, I rarely cum during sex.   I need other things to be sexually satisfied. 

Probably all 'mechanical".  Like my late husband once said, "It's all about friction".  She could probably get you off, but where the hell is the LOVE? Is love in the fact that she gets you off so you don't have get YOURSELF off? 

I

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Just because I cum that does not mean it was good, nor does it mean I am done.  Just because I do not cum, that does not mean the sex is not top rate.  I am a very passionate and caring lover, as any of my partners except my wife would testify. 

Yeah, but all of your partner's weren't married to you.  Big difference. 

 

[IronHamster]

Vega?   I do not think you have ever been fucked properly.   There is just so much more to a good fucking than what you describe,  and, if that is all your partners could ever offer I understand why you might not be into it.  

 

TMI:

IDGAF96 is my female counterpart from that respect.  Fully engaged with her,  the natural chemicals released into my system are as inebriating as a fifth of whiskey.  The pleasure pain as she repeatedly tries to rip my cock off my pelvis with her pussy, or when I massage her cervix, is mind-blowing.  I am sorry your sexual experience has been so vanilla and tasteless.   

 

 

[vega57]

3 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Vega?   I do not think you have ever been fucked properly.   

I don't want to be, nor have I EVER wanted to be "fucked". 
 

Quote

 

There is just so much more to a good fucking than what you describe,  and, if that is all your partners could ever offer I understand why you might not be into it.  

 

I wouldn't care if my partner's were into "fucking".  I don't and never wanted to be "fucked". 

 

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IDGAF96 is my female counterpart from that respect.  Fully engaged with her,  the natural chemicals released into my system are as inebriating as a fifth of whiskey.  The pleasure pain as she repeatedly tries to rip my cock off my pelvis with her pussy, or when I massage her cervix, is mind-blowing. 

Good for you.  Spoken like a TRUE "addict".  Sorry, but most "addicts" don't give a hoot about WHO is giving them their "fix" or WHERE it comes from.  Not saying THAT'S what you are, but......are you? 

 

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I am sorry your sexual experience has been so vanilla and tasteless.   

Sweetie, I could run CIRCLES around you and your..."love life".  The only "vanilla" we had, was in ice cream....AFTER..........

 

The problem was that there was no "rest of LIFE".  If *I* wanted to go to the library for an hour, HE wanted sex.  MOST of our "down time", he wanted sex.

 

And nothing else. 

[Camicon]

Does anyone else smell that? I can make out... stagnant water, and... rotting wood, with a hint of rust, I think.

 

Huh. I don't know anyone that actually enjoys those smells. Probably time to move on.

[Chimeric]

Ew.

[Evil]

I think the last few posts from the OP clear up that this thread is not worth anyone's time and energy.

[IronHamster]

29 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I don't want to be, nor have I EVER wanted to be "fucked". 
 

I wouldn't care if my partner's were into "fucking".  I don't and never wanted to be "fucked". 

 

Good for you.  Spoken like a TRUE "addict".  Sorry, but most "addicts" don't give a hoot about WHO is giving them their "fix" or WHERE it comes from.  Not saying THAT'S what you are, but......are you? 

 

Sweetie, I could run CIRCLES around you and your..."love life".  The only "vanilla" we had, was in ice cream....AFTER..........

 

The problem was that there was no "rest of LIFE".  If *I* wanted to go to the library for an hour, HE wanted sex.  MOST of our "down time", he wanted sex.

 

And nothing else. 

I am definitely addicted to IDGAF96.  I went to great lengths to find her.  We had a friendship for many weeks before pursuing anything more.  The fact that it is a long distance situation speaks volumes about how difficult it is to find a good match.  

[IronHamster]

I was thinking about the "sex is like chicken" comment.   Chicken is part of a meal all over the world.  Fried chicken, baked chicken, bbq chicken, Cajun blackened chicken, hot wings, Trinidad moragu scorpion hot wings, kung pao chicken, cashew chicken, seshuan chicken, chicken curry, Peruvian chicken, on and on.  You could have chicken spiced up a different way every day of the month and barely scratch the surface of the culinary delights made with it.  

[Lia]

I'm locking this thread pending further Admod Review.

 

Lia

Moderator

[Guest]

Reopening with a few guidelines:

 

Please avoid personal insults.

Please avoid judging each other's sexuality, invalidation will not be tolerated, nor will elitism.

Please place graphic content within a spoiler with a TMI warning, for those who are repulsed.

 

 

Please follow ToS during your discussions. If you need to read it, you can find it here. 

 

If this thread requires being locked again, it will remain locked permanently. 

[FaerieFate]

While she's asexual, she still wants to make you happy.

 

You should talk to her about it. If she doesn't want to have sex, just say, "Hey, If eel really unfulfilled without a sexual relationship. Perhaps I could get what I need outside of the relationship so that it doesn't put a strain on our relationship, or we could compromise so that I can get what I need within the relationship." Just be sure to come at it from an angle where she feels she's being heard. Maybe perhaps, "I know you're not comfortable with sex. I need a sexual relationship to be fulfilled, and I understand that you are unhappy with the idea of me seeking that out outside of the relationship. Let's talk about this and find a solution where we can both be happy."

[James121]

Re-opened! Didn’t think this would happen!

Ironhamster, there was some confusion and debate over whether your wife knew or suspected she was asexual or at least disinterested in sex before you got married. There is a good thread on this site called ‘What age were you when you discovered you were asexual’ or something similar. It may give you a strong indication of when she knew or suspected.

[-Lex-]

On 12/16/2017 at 5:48 PM, IronHamster said:

Vega?   I do not think you have ever been fucked properly.   There is just so much more to a good fucking than what you describe,  and, if that is all your partners could ever offer I understand why you might not be into it.  

 

You.... you do realize what site you're on, right?  Surely you must realize that you are saying these things in a predominantly asexual community.  (but I know there are all kinds of people on here with all kinds of sexualities which is great, go diversity!)  But a good chunk of us is some kind of asexual.  I'm not sure why you expected an asexual community to support you cheating on your asexual wife because you were "deprived".  I don't know the sexuality of the person you are mentioning, but this is honestly a pretty rude thing to say on a site like this regardless.  I mean, like 95% of everything you've said is also rude, but this in particular... 

 

It is clear that your intention in making this thread was not to understand or learn more about asexuality, but to justify your hurtful behavior to your asexual wife.  You don't seem to even be willing to consider being open-minded or to attempt to understand, so it might be a good idea for you to stop talking.  I do not think you are going to find what you are looking for here.

[IronHamster]

@AceAlexaDid I go too far?  I think Vega was a special case, there, given her claims of experience.   

 

Oh, I am painfully aware of what sex with an asexual is like.  Neither of us are satisfied.  She is upset because, no matter what she does, she knows it is never enough.  She breaks down into tears over it.  She is right, though.  The best she can tolerate does not get me what I need.  

 

@FaerieFate, thank you for the suggestion.  I am glad there are some here that can think outside the box and accept non-traditional solutions.  

[Guest]

I've been reading, but not really responding. However, I'll chime in my 2 cents. 

 

Personally, I am monogamous. Even though I do not want sex, I would never be OK being with someone who was getting it from someone else. It sounds very much like you are non-monogamous leaning to begin with, IronHamster, which people who are naturally don't often get why monogamy would be important to someone. And it's not just asexuals that find it important. My ex for example did not like cuddling, it is, for me, the best thing in a romantic relationship. However, if I had cuddled someone else, he would have considered it cheating. So, my options were stay and don't have it, or have it and leave. There are many, many needs, emotional and physical that people don't meet and some are deal breakers to people and some aren't. For you, sex is. Which is fine. However, choosing to go outside the relationship without the consent of your partner is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. It's something that many find unforgivable and inexcusable. 

 

But, it is your life and your choice. Your wife knows and if it upsets her too much, she can leave. Just as if lack of sex upset you too much, you had the option to leave. So, it's ultimately up to her if she considers it a deal breaker or not. Yes, it's hard to leave when you have a life with someone and have to start fresh. Yes, kids complicate it. But, not impossible and if you're really miserable, then it's always an option. Goes for you and her. Many kids have divorced parents and it works. You two are civil with each other, so you could even say, live nearby to have easy access to the kids and they have easy access to both of you. There are a lot of ways to make it work. And, as a person who had parents that tolerated but didn't really love each other growing up, it's setting up a horrible example for your kids and they will notice. They'll detect the resentment and the underlying tension, the sadness and the anger, the disappointment and the lack of affection and that is their first and foremost example for a healthy relationship, their parents. It took me years to figure out that what my parents had was very toxic and relationships really can be amazing, nothing like what they had. They can be affectionate and loving and passionate and wonderful. As an adult, knowing what I know now, I really wish my parents had divorced when I was younger instead of waiting "for the kids" (they waited til my brother was 18 and I was 15).

 

Now, all that being said. I am not against non-monogamy. And I have some friends that are non-monogamous. However, I believe in ethical non-monogamy. So, my suggestion at this point would be have some long, hard talks with her and see what can be worked out. You need an open marriage, she doesn't like that. You need to be desired sexually, she can't do that. You have some big incompatibilities to work out. And the only way to do that will be to be blunt, honest and open with each other and try to not blame each other too much, as that doesn't help really. What was done is done. Nothing can change that. On either side. All you can do is figure out what to do going forward.

 

For whether she knew or not before marriage, it is possible she didn't know how she was when you got together. Even if she did, it's possible she didn't have the language to express it to you. I had three sexual partners before my last sexual partner (we were together 10 years, married, blah blah). However, every time I went to someone to talk about not liking sex, I got told "you just need to learn what you like, none of us liked it til we knew that", "maybe it's just the wrong person", "maybe your partner just doesn't know what they're doing, try a toy!" etc, etc. It was always "oh it's normal, just keep trying til you figure it out". I even told my (now ex) partner early in that I had a lot of trouble keeping up interest in having sex in a relationship. His response was "That's cause you had inexperienced boys as partners, you won't have that problem with me". Yet, if you ask him, I never informed him of anything - cause he didn't take what I said to heart and doesn't even remember that conversation anymore. To me, that was a big issue and to him, he brushed it off as no big deal, I just needed a better lover. Cause none of the people I talked to had ever heard of someone that didn't like sex, so they didn't consider it possible that I just didn't like or want it. So, I always was like "Well... if they all say it will click one day then I'll just keep trying things". And then after years of it I just got so sick and tired of it all that I couldn't keep it up. By the end of our 10 year relationship, it took every bit of willpower in me to not roll my eyes at every suggestion of sex, cause I simply hated doing it so much I could barely stand hearing the word, let alone performing the act. 

 

Now I have a partner that doesn't want sex, I understand I'm not fully asexual. I can and do desire people sexually (well, a single person). But, I just don't like sex itself (oral/anal/vaginal). It's blah. So, I'm sure I'd confuse those people I asked for advice even more if they knew the details.

 

In short: Human sexuality and feelings are complicated. You two need to talk, a lot and try to figure out if there is anything that can work for you both, if you want your marriage to work out.