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IronHamster

Acceptance

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IronHamster

I have been married to an asexual, and I am trying to cope with the fact that they do not want to bond with me the way I need to bond.   I recently found a wonderful woman who was dealing with the exact same issue with her husband.  We met, and the chemistry between us was beautiful, exciting, and, amazing.   I let my wife know about this, and she is hurt.  I do not understand why.  Sex within our marriage has meant nothing to her.  I was not expecting she would care any more about sex outside marriage.   What can I do to help her see that this is a good thing.  I am finally getting something I need.  

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Shadowstepper

Regardless of being an asexual, cheating on your wife is still cheating on your wife.

 

Unless you had a predetermined agreement that you would seek sex from someone else, you basically just did the worst thing to her that you could.

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IronHamster

I do not see this as cheating.  Cheating is by definition breaking an agreement.  Our agreement was that we were going to have sex when we got married.  The way I see it is that I was cheated out of twenty years of what I was promised.  

 

If I competed for a job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs and won the position, I would be pretty happy.  Imagine if my first day on the job I found out I would be mopping floors and that was my life-long commitment because I had hired on.  Would I be cheating if I helped a friend with some trades in the market while faithfully mopping the floor?  

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Shadowstepper
15 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I do not see this as cheating.  Cheating is by definition breaking an agreement.  Our agreement was that we were going to have sex when we got married.  The way I see it is that I was cheated out of twenty years of what I was promised.  

Then leave her. Get a divorce.

 

If you really feel that justified, that SHE broke the agreement by not having sex with you over the last 20 years, then be a man about it and walk away.

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DayDreamer~

Just because someone does not care for sex does not mean they are okay with sex outside of marriage. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be okay with that either.

 

If she is upset because of this you should really talk to her about it and explain your feelings and ask her about her feelings, because I don't see this ending anywhere well unless you have this conversation. You won't be able to 'make' her see that it's a good thing, either- she has her own values and an open relationship might not be one of them. I can very much see why she is hurt.

 

As for the 'breaking an agreement,' was there a literal agreement at marriage about this? Did she specifically say that she would? Or are you talking about some unspoken agreement you assumed was there? I doubt her intention was ever to cheat you out of it, and the fact you would compare this to faithfully mopping the floor quite frankly unnerves me for the sake of your wife and the pressure she might be feeling from you as well as the competition from this other woman you've met. 

 

Communication about your feelings and hers, I think, is really the only thing left. And I mean to really listen about what she feels, because if you have opposing values and really believe you need sex while she isn't open to it or an open marriage, divorce seems to be the only option that gives both the chance to move on and find what they really need without hurting the other person anymore.

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IronHamster

Believe me.  It would be to my financial advantage to get a divorce.  Money is not the issue, here.  It is maintaining peace in the family.   We have children to raise, and I am willing to sacrifice a lot for them.  I already gave up two decades of sex and I am just not going to put up with that any more.  I don't understand why she cares if someone else plays with the pet she neglects.  

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Yatagarasu
14 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Our agreement was that we were going to have sex when we got married.  The way I see it is that I was cheated out of twenty years of what I was promised.

Why didn't you talk with your wife about that?
Cheating within a relationship is being sexually unfaithful which has nothing to do with a person being asexual.

By the way, cheating by definition is: "to gain an advantage over or deprive of something by using unfair or deceitful methods; defraud."
If you feel sexually deprived and you think that having sex is more important than your wife's feelings then I agree with @Shadowstepper .

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Shadowstepper
6 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Believe me.  It would be to my financial advantage to get a divorce.  Money is not the issue, here.  It is maintaining peace in the family.   We have children to raise, and I am willing to sacrifice a lot for them.  I already gave up two decades of sex and I am just not going to put up with that any more.  I don't understand why she cares if someone else plays with the pet she neglects.  

Because she's your wife. 

 

You decided to step outside of your marriage. She has every right to be upset about that.

 

If you felt this was necessary or an inevitability, then you should have talked to her about that before you decided to break your vows.

 

2 wrongs don't make a right. That's a basic lesson we teach to children.

Even if you think she was wrong for not giving you sex all these years (and I doubt you'll get much sympathy considering you knew she was asexual), stepping out on her and breaking YOUR vows still isn't ok.

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Evren

Have you talked to your wife at all about your feelings? If not then this has probably completely blindsided her. Once married you don't really expect relationships outside of that especially not sexual ones. I realize that sex for sexual people is often a need anc not just a want, but your wife may not. I used to think about it like coffee, its nice to have for some people but if you can't have it doesn't really affect you badly. I was set straight by some of the sexual people on aven, who informed me that to them its much more important than that. Regardless of any of this though I still think you were wrong to pursue an outside relationship without talking with your wife.

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IronHamster
7 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

Why didn't you talk with your wife about that?
Cheating within a relationship is being sexually unfaithful which has nothing to do with a person being asexual.

By the way, cheating by definition is: "to gain an advantage over or deprive of something by using unfair or deceitful methods; defraud."
If you feel sexually deprived and you think that having sex is more important than your wife's feelings then I agree with @Shadowstepper .

Are you saying my wife not having sex is more important than my mental well being?  

 

I have talked to my wife on multiple occasions about opening the marriage.  She has no reason to.  I wonder if she likes to see me in agony.  Is this normal?  How can I get her to see things more rationally so that we can maintain our happy home?  

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Yatagarasu
5 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Are you saying my wife not having sex is more important than my mental well being?  

 

I have talked to my wife on multiple occasions about opening the marriage.  She has no reason to.  I wonder if she likes to see me in agony.  Is this normal?  How can I get her to see things more rationally so that we can maintain our happy home?

Mental well being is important for both of you. Your relationship is not only you having needs, mentality, feelings and whatnot. I don't think that placing sex over your wife's need to maintain monogamy can be considered rational.

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Galactic Turtle
4 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

How can I get her to see things more rationally so that we can maintain our happy home?  

Not sure how you thought a happy home could be maintained by cheating on your wife. I'm not just talking about the sex either, I'm also talking emotionally. If you think your connection with this other woman is "beautiful, exciting, and, amazing" while your wife is a floor to be mopped, it sounds to me like this is only heading in one direction regardless of how many kids you have or how happy you want your home to be which is unfortunate. You'll find many on AVEN who have explored open relationships and the most important thing about those is communication. It sounds to me like in this case there was no communication at all other than you asking for an open relationship, her saying no, and you going off to have sex with someone else anyway.

 

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IronHamster

Well, if you think my wife is the floor to be mopped, you failed to understand my analogy.   

 

All of her needs are being met.  Why shouldn't mine be?  

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IronHamster
6 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

Mental well being is important for both of you. Your relationship is not only you having needs, mentality, feelings and whatnot. I don't think that placing sex over your wife's need to maintain monogamy can be considered rational.

Monogamy is having sex with one person.  What is having sex with no other person?  Handogamy?  None-ogamy?  I am not sure where monogamy comes into play in my marriage because if we had it I would not be helping another hurting soul cope with her marriage.  

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Shadowstepper
6 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

 because if we had it I would not be helping another hurting soul cope with her marriage.  

So not only are you not at fault, but you're actually the hero in all of this?

 

Cheating on your spouse is not "coping" with anything.

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Yatagarasu
7 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Monogamy is having sex with one person.  What is having sex with no other person?  Handogamy?  None-ogamy?  I am not sure where monogamy comes into play in my marriage because if we had it I would not be helping another hurting soul cope with her marriage.

Monogamy, as a large concept, is having one partner (not necessarily sexual) at once. You refer to sexual monogamy only. Don't act as if you were the only victim out there, because you are not. 

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IronHamster
Just now, Shadowstepper said:

So not only are you not at fault, but you're actually the hero in all of this?

Absolutely.  There are a lot of important skills in having great sex.  She is not the sort of woman that just any man can satisfy.  Yes, our sex is totally amazing.  I think that should be celebrated, not condemned.  I think she is being kind of shallow about this.  

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Evren
31 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

 I would not be helping another hurting soul cope with her marriage.  

So shes cheating too? I suggest you get a divorce. It sounds like have absolutly no respect for your wifes feelings. I am not puting down your need for sex, but you dont even seem to be trying to understand her point of view.

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IronHamster
Just now, Evren said:

So shes cheating too? I suggest you get a divorce. It sounds like have absolutly no respect for your wifes feelings. I am not puting down your need for sex, but you dont even seem to be trying to understand her point of view.

I need her to see my point of view.  I saw her point of view for two lonely painful agonizing decades.  

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Yatagarasu
2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I need her to see my point of view.  I saw her point of view for two lonely painful agonizing decades. 

"saw" does not equal "understood"

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Shadowstepper
2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I think she is being kind of shallow about this.  

This is the most bullshit line I've read on this entire forum.

 

You cheated on your wife, but SHE is being shallow. 

 

I think you came to the wrong place if you think people here are supposed to congratulate you on treating your wife this way.

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IronHamster
3 minutes ago, Evren said:

So shes cheating too? I suggest you get a divorce. It sounds like have absolutly no respect for your wifes feelings. I am not puting down your need for sex, but you dont even seem to be trying to understand her point of view.

My wife was the only one cheating.  She cheated me out of two decades of sex just as surely as if she were fucking the mail man.  

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Evren
23 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I need her to see my point of view.  I saw her point of view for two lonely painful agonizing decades.  

I understand that for sexual people not getting sex can leave them depressed, unfullfilled and extremely unhappy. This why I doubt that I will ever enter a relationship with a sexual person. However for your wife, this is a massive shock and betrayal. You need to talk to her and actually explain things. Even then she may not understand it. I really think you made a bad choice by having sex with someone else before you talked to her.

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IronHamster
2 minutes ago, Evren said:

I understand that for sexual people not getting sex can leave them depressed, unfullfilled and extremely unhappy. This why I doubt that I will ever enter a relationship with a sexual person. However for your wife, this is a massive shock and betrayal. You need to talk to her and actually explain things. Even then she may not understand it. I really think you made a bad choice by having sex with someone else before you talked to her.

My petitions for an open marriage have been denied.  

 

I just do not understand why sex outside a marriage is important when sex within a marriage is not important.  This is highly illogical.   

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Evren
25 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

My wife was the only one cheating.  She cheated me out of two decades of sex just as surely as if she were fucking the mail man.  

Unless your marriage vows are very differrent than the ones i've heard, nowhere does it say. Must have sex with husband whether willing or not. Especially as it seems you haven't communicated this to her at all. Your either being extremely narcissitic about this or your a troll. Im starting to lean more on the side of troll just from your persistant lack of details.

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IronHamster
7 minutes ago, Shadowstepper said:

This is the most bullshit line I've read on this entire forum.

 

You cheated on your wife, but SHE is being shallow. 

 

I think you came to the wrong place if you think people here are supposed to congratulate you on treating your wife this way.

I never asked for congratulations.   That would be silly.  I just want to know why anyone would think it was ok to promise sex,  not deliver it, then get hurt when I finally got it. 

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Evren
23 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

My petitions for an open marriage have been denied.  

 

I just do not understand why sex outside a marriage is important when sex within a marriage is not important.  This is highly illogical.   

Its not about the sex its about the trust. Just as you feel betrayed about not having sex for 20 years, she feels betrayed about learning about just learning about a major problem her husband is going through, that instead of decideding to come to her and work it out, decided to go and find what to her is a random woman and and try to deal with it.

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Yatagarasu
6 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

My wife was the only one cheating.  She cheated me out of two decades of sex just as surely as if she were fucking the mail man.  

Having sex behind partner's back = not cheating

Partner does not have sex with you = cheating

Bovine feces, my dude.

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IronHamster
2 minutes ago, Evren said:

Unless your marriage vows are very differrent than the ones i've heard, nowhere does it say. Must have sex with husband whether willing or not. Especially as it seems you haven't communicated this to her at all. Your either being extremely narcissitic about this or your a troll. Im starting to lean more on the side of troll just from your persistant lack of details.

Marriage vows contain "to have and to hold."  Scripturally, it is a sin to deny your spouse sex.  A big sin.  That being said, she voluntarily entered this agreement.  It has been very lucrative for her.  

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IronHamster
1 minute ago, Yatagarasu said:

Having sex behind partner's back = not cheating

Partner does not have sex with you = cheating

Bovine feces, my dude.

The agreement was broken first by her.  It has been very lucrative for her.   I see no reason why I cannot go elsewhere.  In contract law, if my sole supplier fails to deliver I am free to make deals with other suppliers.

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