Acceptance

[James121]

3 hours ago, Serran said:

Personally, I am monogamous. Even though I do not want sex,

It’s a very long post there. I got to here before I didn’t really need to read anymore. You are monogamous but don’t want sex. Isn’t that a bit like saying I never ever pee on the seat, but then again my toilet doesn’t have one?

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, James121 said:

It’s a very long post there. I got to here before I didn’t really need to read anymore. You are monogamous but don’t want sex. Isn’t that a bit like saying I never ever pee on the seat, but then again my toilet doesn’t have one?

There is plenty more to monogamy than sex. And if you discount a relationship as monogamous just because sex is not involved, then you are too fast to dismiss other people's experiences and viewpoints. For one, you can be non-monogamous in a romantic sense by having multiple romantic partners. 

 

Beyond that though I doubt most monogamous couples would be OK with their partner - kissing, sleeping with, cuddling, making out with, etc another person. Let alone the non-sex sexual activities that people can do - mutual masturbation, hand jobs, sexual kink play (that doesn't lead into sex itself), etc, etc. 

 

Perhaps not be so quick to judge in the future? There are many ways for humans to experience things, including sexuality. If you had finished my post, you would see I don't even ID as asexual. So, there are many sexual activities I do enjoy and share with my partner, sex just isn't one of them.  Not that sexual activity is required for monogamy or non-monogamy. 

[James121]

5 minutes ago, Serran said:

There is plenty more to monogamy than sex. And if you discount a relationship as monogamous just because sex is not involved, then you are too fast to dismiss other people's experiences and viewpoints. For one, you can be non-monogamous in a romantic sense by having multiple romantic partners. 

 

Beyond that though I doubt most monogamous couples would be OK with their partner - kissing, sleeping with, cuddling, making out with, etc another person. Let alone the non-sex sexual activities that people can do - mutual masturbation, hand jobs, sexual kink play (that doesn't lead into sex itself), etc, etc. 

 

Perhaps not be so quick to judge in the future? There are many ways for humans to experience things, including sexuality. If you had finished my post, you would see I don't even ID as asexual. So, there are many sexual activities I do enjoy and share with my partner, sex just isn't one of them.  Not that sexual activity is required for monogamy or non-monogamy. 

Slow down. It was a question not a dig. A little defensivei think. Monogamy as you say is more than just sexual loyalty but what I will definitely say is that it’s easy to be sexually faithful if you don’t care for sex. I have absolutely no issue not eating banana’s. I could happily go without for the rest of my life. I don’t care for them.

[Guest]

Just now, James121 said:

Slow down. It was a question not a dig. A little defensivei think. Monogamy as you say is more than just sexual loyalty but what I will definitely say is that it’s easy to be sexually faithful if you don’t care for sex. I have absolutely no issue not eating banana’s. I could happily go without for the rest of my life. I don’t care for them.

You basically dismissed my entire post because I said I'm not into sex. So, no, not defensive. But, completely disagree that saying I don't want sex and am monogamous means the same as "I didn't pee on the seat, cause I don't have one".  As we both agree, there is a lot more to monogamy. And, besides, I can easily sexually cheat (well, not really, cause I have never been capable of having feelings for more than one person at a time) since I do have sexual desires (just not sex itself). 

 

And yes, it is easier for people who do not want sex to be sexually faithful. However, this isn't a temptation happened situation. Ironhamster has said they don't even understand why their partner is upset. Which, seems like a major mismatch in relationship philosophy. I've heard the same thing from many poly people, because they just can't understand why monogamous people insist on not being able to fulfill needs outside the relationship when the partner cannot meet them. Which, it's fine to not get it. But, the monogamous / poly mismatch is imo worse than asexual/sexual, because there is no room for compromise between the two positions. My college boyfriend was poly leaning and, while I tried to be open to it, all it ended up doing was destroying any romantic feelings I had for him. I wasn't mad at him, I don't consider him in the wrong for it... I just lost interest the more interested in other people he became. 

 

Either the asexual/sexual or poly/mono mismatches can be a deal breaker. It's hard to overcome. Both together... the odds aren't good. But, maybe they can talk it out and find some sort of solution that works for them. 

[IronHamster]

I just hope you always have a partner with similar interests and disinterests, @Serran.  

 

Perhaps "monoamorous" would be a more descripive term.  I like to think of sexless relationships as "none-ogamous."  

[Telecaster68]

Quote

 it is easier for people who do not want sex to be sexually faithful

That's a huge understatement. It's not 'easier', it's just not an issue, for people who don't want sex. For people who do find sex to be a vital part of the emotional life of a relationship, it's nigh on impossible to remain happily emotionallly faithful without it, let alone sexually.

[MrDane]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's a huge understatement. It's not 'easier', it's just not an issue, for people who don't want sex. For people who do find sex to be a vital part of the emotional life of a relationship, it's nigh on impossible to remain happily emotionallly faithful without it, let alone sexually.

Rigth, @Telecaster68 ! In fact you could put anything in that sentence and it will be toe cringing logical. 

“It is easier for people with no interest in/desire for/gaining by going outside to stay inside, than for people who likes the open sky/feeling the wind/smelling the flowers...” 

one part will feel suffocated, the other pushed into an enviroment they would perhaps rather be without. 

[MrDane]

On 16/12/2017 at 11:10 PM, vega57 said:

MrDane,

 

Is that WHY you got married?  Because you were "horny" and want SOMEONE ELSE to give you that "release"? 

No. If I was just horny and wanted release, then she was a wrong choice from the beginning. She was not a wrong choice.

 

I married her because I loved her and I could see a mutual future forming full of happiness, love and nice things. And she loved me. Lovemaking/sex is only a part of that equation. I still love her and she loves me. But sex is an important part of my “being happy and able to cope with life” and what meant a lot to me, was the fact that she loved and wanted me, and we could also share great sexual experiences together. She still loves me, just doesnt love sex. This is an issue that will always be difficult for us. I have always been patient and listened to her needs and have put her first, when something was important to her. I am extremely happy for her “hard work” on finding mutual agreements (sexually) that will keep my depression away and my happyness present. This is very important to me. I am willing to accept change things on all aspects, like how I am, what I do, where we live, how we spend time and mony..., but I am not willing to go down with celibacy. As I say: “come hell and high water!” I will stay until she wants me to leave.

 

[GLRDT]

On 12/19/2017 at 7:39 AM, James121 said:

Re-opened! Didn’t think this would happen!

Ironhamster, there was some confusion and debate over whether your wife knew or suspected she was asexual or at least disinterested in sex before you got married. There is a good thread on this site called ‘What age were you when you discovered you were asexual’ or something similar. It may give you a strong indication of when she knew or suspected.

Awesome! You're checking out other threads on this website! Go you! Also when I read that same thread I got the impression it gives a lot of insight to why many asexual people may know something is up but not realize what or what it means until many many many years later.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, IronHamster said:

I just hope you always have a partner with similar interests and disinterests, @Serran.  

 

Perhaps "monoamorous" would be a more descripive term.  I like to think of sexless relationships as "none-ogamous."  

I see similar interests/disinterests - otherwise called compatibility - as vital to a relationship so that would be my goal, yes. The only reason I dated people who wanted sex in the past is because so many people told me I would and that's how you figure out what you like and everyone went through it blah blah (note: the last relationship I started besides the current one I am in was when I was 19 year olds, so I was still trusting adults to be "wiser" than me about it all)... when no, they didn't. A lot of people just like it and always have and always will. I happen to never have and likely never will (my partner knows it's an option if she ever wants it, I will try, but it's not something either of us really wants). It's like someone with a HC BDSM fetish need being with someone who dislikes BDSM isn't going to be fulfilling for them, so if you know that mismatch exists, there is little point to even trying imo.

 

And, monoamorous can be a term for just romantic, but it tends to not be a word a lot of people know. So, in the real world, monogamous tends to be used. And it is used in scientific studies for socially monogamous animals (bird species that are hailed as monogamous, for example, are socially monogamous and not sexually monogamous - swans and the like mate to keep their genetic lines varied, but return home to their social mates to raise the babies) as well as sexually monogamous animals. 

 

Anyway, honestly, I don't condemn you for opening things up. But, I do think informing her before you did it would have been the better choice. Even if it was a "I need sex and you cannot provide it. I am going to find it elsewhere. If this means you cannot be with me anymore, then so be it, but this is what I need." The thing that usually ends up causing the most damage long-term when couples decide to stay together after cheating is the lack of trust it generates, because of it being done behind the persons back. It's hard to know what to believe when you find out your partner did something so major without even informing you first. Even many poly couples have a rule that they must know about it first and breaking that rule can be considered cheating. If she stays with you, I would imagine the hurt caused from that will probably end up being the biggest hurdle to transitioning to an open marriage. Also, if you two still have sex at all, it was putting her at risk for STDs and such without her consent, which again trust issues. 

 

[Telecaster68]

32 minutes ago, Serran said:

It's hard to know what to believe when you find out your partner did something so major without even informing you first

This is true. It also applies to asexuals pulling the rug from under the relationship by not wanting to have sex any more, and saying they were never that bothered by it in the first place, particularly when they were apparently into it up to then. Both remove choice from the other partner without their consent and lead them to question everything that went before and what happens afterwards. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

This is true. It also applies to asexuals pulling the rug from under the relationship by not wanting to have sex any more, and saying they were never that bothered by it in the first place, particularly when they were apparently into it up to then. Both remove choice from the other partner without their consent and lead them to question everything that went before and what happens afterwards. 

If the ace knew how they felt before hand, they should have informed the partner before a relationship formed. I've given this advice for years. However, as I said, it's easy to not know or to not be able to express how you feel adequately so the partner (who has probably never heard of someone not into sex) understands. You can only inform people of things you know about yourself. Even telling people that my reaction to sex was "Is that what all the fuss is about?" and struggling to keep up having it after 6 months because it's just boring, none of them assumed I was anything but going to be fully interested in sex with them and just wasn't that into my other partners. It further muddles things when you can enjoy giving your partner pleasure, but aren't that into it. And even more so when you are in "limerence" badly, because if I am then anything is OK, quite literally and only after that fades will actual preferences come in (which, now I am older, I can recognize it but for the younger crowd that can be very confusing...). Even more so if you're grey or something and enjoy some things but not others, or sometimes but rarely. 

 

Also goes the same for if you are child-free and don't inform the person who is planning kids with you. Or various other major issues where you are being dishonest on purpose. Once you breach trust severely, it's hard to recover. Trust is very easy to lose, but it's very hard to gain back. 

 

 

[Telecaster68]

Absolutely. I was just making the point there's at least some element of equivalence. 

[James121]

2 hours ago, GLRDT said:

Awesome! You're checking out other threads on this website! Go you! Also when I read that same thread I got the impression it gives a lot of insight to why many asexual people may know something is up but not realize what or what it means until many many many years later.

I’ve read quite a few threads to be honest. I used to suspect my wife was asexual (I no longer do) so that is why I started reading about it. I’ll be honest, in ironhamsters case, if his fiancé suspected anything, she shouldn’t have gambled on the marriage. But this is unfortunately water under the bridge.