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Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB

Hello! Hi! It's me, Melissa B and I'm autosexual

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Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB

Hello all!  I just wanted to say Hi!  and join the community as I've been "lurking" for a while now.  

 

I am a married 43 yr old woman and I recently discovered that I am actually autosexual (a form of asexuality).  For years my husband and I struggled together with my "low libido".  Growing up I just always felt different from other girls.  At times questioning my sexuality...but my inner conversation would always be: 

 

 I don't feel attracted to men, so am I gay?  No, I don't feel attracted to women either.  Ok, so I must be heterosexual.  OK -Done! ...honestly back then I didn't have knowledge of any other options.  

 

At 18 I met my husband and best friend,  we married 7 years later and now have two wonderful daughters.

 

For the next 20 years I spent a great deal of time and money on my "lack of libido".  Desperately visiting therapists, psychiatrists, supplements, OB/GYNs.  I would hear all manner of explanations, but mostly: "it's just stress", "you need to relax", "you're just getting older", "this happens to all women after having kids".  All of those reasons did seem somewhat true, so I would reluctantly accept my status-quo.  I would often bring up the fact that I didn't feel attracted to any other men etc.  (or women for that matter) - but this fact never seemed to be of any consequence in conversations with the assorted practitioners.  

 

Meanwhile our marriage deteriorated.  My husband is a heterosexual man - and he took my reluctance to have sex as a personal rejection.  No matter how much I insisted "it's not YOU, it's ME!"

 

Three years ago I also began my journey into recovery from alcoholism.  It was my anesthesia.  A way to escape from living a life that was too overwhelming for me.  Thanks to the grace of God and with the help of the 12-step community, this October I gratefully celebrated my 3 yr anniversary in sobriety.  I feel that my journey into recovery has helped me find the truth that has been inside me all along regarding my sexuality. 

 

I am autosexual.   There is nothing wrong with me and I don't need to be "fixed".  I am autosexual.  

 

Here I want to say "it's that simple!"....BUT....

 

While the realization that being asexual/autosexual is simply an orientation (vs a "disorder") is indeed a HUGE relief to me and my husband...it has not been easy on our marriage and we are still in the process of navigating WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE????????

 

We both see therapists individually and also see a marriage counselor together.  They are trying to help us sort through all of this.  My husband has been my strongest supporter and continues to be my best friend, even though this is hard for him as well.

 

I will post our progress here, in case it might help anyone else going through a similar scenario.

 

 

Thank you all for being here and sharing my journey,

Melissa B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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TheAngel(of)Peace

Welcome! :) Best of luck in your marriage.

 

Image result for homemade cake

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Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB

Thank you!  And also I DO love CAKE!!!!  That looks so delicious!!! :-)

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Markéta

Hello and welcome here!!

 

strawberry-dream-cake-2428901_0.jpg?itok

 

I wish you everything good regarding your relationship struggles! Both you and your husband are awfully strong and I admire you for it. Congratulations to finding out about your sexual identity :')

My mother has been struggling with alcohol when her father died, so I know it's not easy to get out of it. Congrats to that as well :'D

Huh, I seem to be only congratulating here.. I guess you deserve it :'D

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Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB

Thank you so much Marketa!  Yes, alcoholism is very powerful and I had to address that issue first before I could progress on in my journey. 

 

It has been an amazing three years and even though my husband and I aren't sure what our marriage will look like going forward we at least know we will try to keep growing together to make it a positive change for us both and the girls.  

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Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB

And these cake pics are gorgeous!  I can practically taste the whipped cream!!  My raw/macro/date bar thing is definitely NOT cutting it!!!!!  

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Kersenne

Welcome on here and good luck on your journey!! 

Résultat de recherche d'images pour "cake picture"

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Lichley

Welcome! It will be hard but you can get through this, stay strong :) 

rainbow+wedding+cake+6.jpg

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.Lia

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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Star Bit

Um, by Autosexual what do you mean? If you mean masturbation, most asexuals do so and most use erotica to do it; no further specification needed. Autosexual means someone sexually desires themselves; which is not simply masturbation (or a variation of asexuality; ace is one thing not many). Think twin/mirror sex, which is under Gray-asexuality because someone is sexually desired but it can never be real; thus virtually asexual not by choice. Auto means self and sexual refers to who's sexually desired (the only thing sexual orientations ever refer to). Some sexual people do have an Autosexual fetish; they desire themselves and others, but that's not what the aforementioned is used for. It's normal to get turned on by erotica though; regardless of orientation. A study proved that most sexual women (and a minority of sexual men) get turned on by erotica that doesn't apply to their sexuality; it's just the brain recognizing sexually relavent material and responding. It's separate from actually desiring sexual activity with someone. If you need a word for masturbation it'd fall under autoerotic. Asexuality is about not desiring sexual activity WITH anyone, that's all.

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Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB

Star bit, does that even matter?

 

I am trying to get through a divorce with the least amount of collateral damage as possible.  I have come out to only my closest friends and family and (while they are supportive) I find I have to answer all manner of annoying questions: "do you think your husband knows what he's doing?" or "have you ever had an orgasm"?  Jesus people, what does that have to do with anything?  I am dealing with real life and real DIFFICULT LIFE ISSUES!   Right now.

 

I am talking about living 43 years thinking "wtf is wrong with me?"  Forty three years.  

 

The guilt and shame all that time of wondering why I couldn't be a "normal" wife.  Feeling so inadequate.  Questioning my ability to love.  And now I am the reason we need a divorce.  My husband says things like "it's tearing the family apart."   How exactly does one deal with this?

 

So, Star Bit, no - I don't know exactly what category I fit in.  And honestly I really don't care!  I mean if this random info will help someone out there help me then here it is:

No I don't use erotica or porn.  I don't get sexually attracted or aroused by other people.  I only desire sex ALONE.  I've spent my entire life wondering why the entire world was so obsessed w/sex - why is it so important??  And what does it even have to do with love??

 

If that's what you need to know then there it is.  WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS!!!  Please tell me you got through this and how.  What was good and what was bad?  What did you tell people?  What did you tell your kids?  And it was really all ok. 

Please be out there. 

 

Ok look, I know I'll get through this in any case.  I am lucky to have supportive family and friends.  An amazing therapist and the benefits of support from my 12 step community.   It would just be nice to also find community of people who share THIS experience.  That's all.

 

Honestly,

Melissa B

 

 

 

   

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