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Sotai

Cisgender but they/them pronouns?

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Sotai

Hey everyone, been thinking about this for some time and wanted to share my thoughts.

I'm AFAB, and in real life, I go by Ann and use she/her pronouns. I'm still trying to figure out my gender journey, but as of now, I feel the best term is cisgender. I don't feel extremely uncomfortable being interpreted as a woman, but I think it would be nice to be seen as gender neutral. I don't particularly wish to correct people in real life about my gender because I feel like my discomfort with being female is due to societal expectations and treatment of women rather than my own dysphoria or discomfort of being seen as such. For example, I'm comfortable being seen as my SO's girlfriend, and I like being referred as a big sister by my friends, however I do get a little antsy being referred as a daughter by my parents (remembering how much criticism I get for not being lady-like or not fitting in gender roles) and having assumptions made about me only because I'm a woman.

 

Lately online and in video games, I go by An (Vietnamese gender neutral name, and it is the way my name is spelled in Viet) and if possible, they/them pronouns. In one video game (Pyre, if anyone's interested), you can choose which pronouns you want to go by and I chose they/them. It felt oddly comforting to be referred as such throughout the whole game. I don't think the game would have changed dialogue differently if I went with she/her or he/his, but internally I can feel myself rustling at the thought of being assumed a certain gender.

I also remember that non-binary people may choose to use she/her or he/his pronouns, so I wonder if it's acceptable to have cisgender people prefer to use they/them pronouns? Maybe I just want a world where we don't assume arbitrary things about people based on how they look to us? Maybe a different term besides cisgender fits me? It's hard to define how I feel about gender, mainly because I don't know what I should feel to know if I'm cisgender or demigender or agender. Like I said, it's an ongoing journey for me, but I appreciate any thoughts. :)

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Markéta

Hi An :'))

Welcome here!!! *the perfect cake just for you*

 

I personally think that there shouldn't be any rush in defining oneself. I feel like I could be asexual, but more precisely I hae no idea. And so far I am okay with that.

You on the other hand feel like maybe cisgender person. Nothing wrong with that either. You will find the right term or state of mind eventually, of that I am sure :))

I wanted to ask you - what is SO? Soulmate? Sexy ostrich? Sand octopus? O.o

Not being lady-like.. I get you are from Vietnam, right? I have the picture of Vietnam as socially traditional country (correct me if I'm wrong), so I see that growing up there might have been a bit demanding in the way of "proper" feminine behavior and clothing.. I reckon any pronouns are acceptable as long as you feel comfortable with them :')

I don't seem to find any more thoughts about what you wrote, my apologies. Just be what you feel is you, you have my support :'))

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Shadowstepper
17 minutes ago, Markéta said:

Sand octopus? O.o

now i have to find reasons to use this

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Sotai

Hello! Thank you!

 

SO stands for "significant other"! It's a gender neutral term instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. Sand octopus is interesting though haha! 

I'm actually from the United States; I'm Vietnamese-American, but I wasn't specific in my first post, so it's okay that you thought that! My parents are from Vietnam originally though, so sometimes they do push some expectations on me because that's the culture they grew up with. They have softened since now I'm an adult and they know what sort of person I tend to be, but it was a little tough growing up and wondering why I had to be a certain way just because I'm a girl. 

 

Thanks again for your support! :) It's been something I've been thinking for years about, and I expect that I'll still be thinking on it for more years, but it's nice to just talk it out.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

I kind of feel like it's a cool way to help normalise them ^_^ so long as you realise cis people are going to find it strange for another cis person to want them to use they/them pronouns.

 

Also, I have no idea where you are in terms of whether you're questioning yourself, regardless of if you're sure you're cis or not, but you can identify as non binary without feeling uncomfortable being seen as a woman! And also because you don't want people to see you as a woman because of stereotypes and misogynistic stuff. It's obviously sometimes something that people may disagree with but to me the only requirement to be non binary is that you say you're non binary. (And I don't mean like going around telling people, just that I will believe someone is non binary as soon as they tell me they are.) There's no dress code, you don't have to use certain pronouns etc.

 

To be honest, cisgender people don't usually think about things like this very much, in my opinion! But you can definitely identify as cis too, so yes cisgender people can use they/them pronouns. ^_^

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Snao Cone

I think it's fine. I am okay with either she/her or they/them, and I accept that most people will use she/her. I prefer Mx to Ms, though. If forms of ID here start offering M/F/X options, which might be the case within a few years, I'd go for X just to make it less about designating trans or NB folks, and more about asserting the irrelevance.

 

I will still identify as cis, because I feel comfortable enough being perceived as a woman that I don't need to redefine myself to feel represented. I'd rather change how people perceive womanhood (and the diversity within) than imply that because I'm not entirely feminine that I'm not entirely a woman. I don't think someone has to be fully non-binary to support change to less binary perceptions of gender.

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OpticCanoe

Hey!

I'm kind of the same. I think that I'm cisgender but I also use they/them pronouns (female base body), though I only do that online instead of with people in real life. At least, I think I'm cisgender, though i do get feminine and masculine days, so I'm not too sure about my gender identity.

I would say don't rush into anything. There is no rush. Everyone's journey is different and it could take a while to find some definitions that you agree with.

I've been questioning my own gender for a while now, though no-one knows about this. I'm just taking things slowly and seeing what fits. I do prefer they/them pronouns though, I know that much, and I'm perfectly comfortable by going by 'Miss' in life. Online though I use gender neutral names as a mask of hiding myself, and I feel more comfortable with those names. 

I hope that you manage to figure things out! :)

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Markéta
1 hour ago, Sotai said:

SO stands for "significant other"! It's a gender neutral term instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. Sand octopus is interesting though haha! 

I'm actually from the United States; I'm Vietnamese-American, but I wasn't specific in my first post, so it's okay that you thought that! My parents are from Vietnam originally though, so sometimes they do push some expectations on me because that's the culture they grew up with. They have softened since now I'm an adult and they know what sort of person I tend to be, but it was a little tough growing up and wondering why I had to be a certain way just because I'm a girl. 

 

Thanks again for your support! :) It's been something I've been thinking for years about, and I expect that I'll still be thinking on it for more years, but it's nice to just talk it out.

Thanks for claryfying, I guess I should have known that, now when you said it it is pretty obvious :'D

And you're welcome, Support is the least I can offer :'))

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butterflydreams
7 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I'd rather change how people perceive womanhood (and the diversity within) than imply that because I'm not entirely feminine that I'm not entirely a woman.

This. I've been saying this forever. 

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The Christmas Lemon

If those are the pronouns that you feel most comfortable with, then go for it - there are so many ways to be a woman outside of traditional femininity, neutral pronouns included :)

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Santa's Little Elf

I honestly don't mind if a lady wants to use they/them pronouns, the stereotypes surrounding nen/women is what bothers me the most tbh, not they're pronouns so i'd say: Go for it!

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Iota Tau

My entire gender journey got started when I asked an agender friend if I could use non-binary pronouns as a binary person to raise awareness and got the go ahead. So it would be hypocritical of me to say anything but this:

 

Go ahead!

 

(PS Hope your journey of identity isn't as confusing as mine was, because man...)

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