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DHM

Relationship Advise

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DHM

Hi people,

 

Not sure if this would be considered "okay" for someone like me to post here with my situation. I've read several posts by other users here and am very surprised and happy to see that this forum is respectful of others and can provide helpful answers to their situations and figured, I might try it. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, and she and I seem to be doing quite well. We certainly plan on wanting to spend our lives together, but recently I've been kind of fighting a sort of problem. I'm actually a simple, Heterosexual guy and she identifies more as Asexual. She and I both know this about each other and pretty much have since we started going out. Now normally things like being physical or being exposed in front of one another doesn't seem to bother us. But lately, for the past several weeks I've been feeling rather turned on and I don't know why. There's no physical sign of me showing arousal (if you catch my drift), but the sensation is still the same. This is kind of a problem for me because my girlfriend and I are both figure models for an art school, and the male models CAN NOT have something like this happen (fully shown) for obvious reasons. I didn't start feeling like this when I saw more drawings of my girlfriend show up around the school. I've confronted her on this and she told me she couldn't help me because that's just something she doesn't know or is into. I've tried looking into different medical reports for reasonings why this is happening, but I can't seem to find any solutions. I do find my girlfriend very physically attractive and wouldn't mind having a sexual relationship with her, but I deeply respect her identification and comfortability in our relationship. In fact that's one of the many reasons why I like her. But now I'm having to walk around campus worrying about keeping my head down all the time in case I see a drawing of her and getting "triggered" that way and risk losing my job. (apologies in advance if that word isn't appropriate but I couldn't think of another term to use at the time). So with all that said, what should I do? 

 

If anyone here has any ideas or solutions as to what I can do to resolve this issue, please feel free to inform me. I can reply back to helpful comments with any more detailed information that could also seem useful.

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Confused.Kitten

I dont have a way to help you ... I just wish you good luck :(

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Grinchmer

So the arousal you experience is purely mentally, without any physical evidence emerging?

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karo32
5 hours ago, DHM said:

keeping my head down all the time in case I see a drawing of her and getting "triggered"

hmm... Sounds like Sexual tension'. your body  is reacting to the smallest things that may seem arousing. Maybe you just need ''release''?

5 hours ago, DHM said:

There's no physical sign of me showing arousal (if you catch my drift), but the sensation is still the same.

it can be mentally sexual tension as well. Seems Like your 'target' is not just your GF, but everything around you? 

Sexual Attraction to your girlfriend is normal, just more on how you act upon it. some only get aroused by their partner. As an Asexual she might not be able to help, but you can always try talking to her about it. (what is she okay with)  Because i think if you try to block it, or suppress it, it might get worse. And that might complicate things between you two. 

 

For an Asexual where no sexual attraction is there, these things does not tend to be a problem. (some can have it). Personally, from my experience with sexual tension; It can make you very confused, and getting aroused by the smallest things. sometimes, things you would never find Attractive. (and that can be a problem)

So maybe get some release in your "alone time" with (fantasize, watch porn, magazines) -whatever floats your boat.

OR....

Try training that Willpower’ by doing Creative projects or other activities.

(sports, running, video games, reading) Something non-sensual activities, that do not ''trigger'' you. Exhausting activities'.

Train your body and your mind, so that over time, you are not aroused 'sensationel'  by things as much, and you won't have to worry. Sexual tension is a normal, it can be hard to deal with. Some folks are better at controlling it. some just need a little help.

 

I find reading and drawing enough, it gives me that sensual mentally pleasure without my body needn't to act upon anything. (but that's me, you need to find you) 

Anywayz - Hope it helps, Good luck ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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DHM

@karo32, Thank you very much for the different bits  of advice. I already work on "release" on my alone time but that doesn't seem to help. I don't feel any relief when I do, which I'm thinking maybe my frustration is targeted towards something more specific in physicality, but I haven't figured that part out yet.

 

I've tried talking to my girlfriend about this issue, however she is completely uninterested and not at all into anything physical except for brief hand holding, sitting next to each other and kissing. So unfortunately she can't be of any help.

 

I've tried suggesting to her that I should see a therapist for some hypnotherapy to see about completely getting rid of my sexual desires so that this wouldn't happen anymore. But she told me she would feel so guilty that I had to get rid of part of me that makes me who I am. I'm still tempted, but I wouldn't want to lie to her about that.

 

I've tried having to burry these feelings in work and other activities but they always seem to emerge when I'm not doing anything or trying to rest. I'm already trying to deal with chronic depression and anxiety and I don't need anything else to be added on to my list of problems.

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karo32

Well... @DHM .... that is tricky.  :/ 

I know how difficult it can be with depression and anxiety. So I’m kinda out of ideas what might help. physically'

1 hour ago, DHM said:

she told me she would feel so guilty that I had to get rid of part of me that makes me who I am.

I kinda agree with your GF. You shouldn’t try changing something that is not wrong. That is like saying to an Asexual’ they need therapy or a doctor. Sexual or Asexual, No one should feel bad about how their body's or mind function.

 

but maybe you should see this from another angle’, instead of focusing on the sexual tension as a problem maybe focus on: 

2 hours ago, DHM said:

I'm already trying to deal with chronic depression and anxiety and I don't need anything else to be added on to my list of problems.

That'

Hope I’m not offending you by saying / asking these things.

Depression and anxiety can be such a deep and exhausting thing to carry, and sometimes it can mix/mess with a lot of things… Unbalance things. 

Now I don’t know what kind of level of depression you are dealing with, but I find it difficult, especially if you got a lot of stuff to do.

And it can really screw with one, if one does not know how to handle it..... Sometimes it's never something we can just fix.’

 

But we can learn to cope,... So maybe therapist or hypnotherapy is’ something that could help, BUT instead of focusing on your 'sensual triggers’ as the fundamental issue. Maybe focus on the depression and anxiety?

These are, of course, things, one can Not simply '‘remove’'. 

My experience with hypnosis is that you don’t get things ‘removed’ but for each time, you get closer to the center of attention. It gives you a better understanding, mentally. 

One step at the time... but it helps if you know what is that needs working on. Not' because something is 'wrong with you', but Because 'you' want to be better/happier in your daily life. (understand and look out for number 1 guy, yourself) :-) 

 

Therapy may help you understand both your body and mind’

 

So yeah... maybe try hypno or therapy, but instead ‘stop thinking that anything is wrong and needs removal, focus on how/why/what is instead the essential for you. Understand yourself better. Maybe that way, you can come to a hypothesis what you need' to do,  to be comfortable in life and in your own mind and body

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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