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AcerAC

Receiving pleasure vs giving pleasure

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AcerAC

I'm on the asexual spectrum where I have no interest in sexual intercourse, oral sex or anything to do with genitalia. I'm repulsed by the sight of genitalia. But I am very receptive to pleasure. I can get quite aroused by all forms of pleasure except penetrative sex when my partner gets intimate with me without me having to do anything. It took me a while to get to this comfort zone with my partner where I would allow him to get intimate with me and I enjoyed it. But I felt zero motivation to give pleasure to my partner. I used to think I'm being selfish and almost literally forced myself to do certain things I had no interest in because he would do those things to me and I really enjoyed them. I was pukish and disgusted trying to do some of those things or simply bored. I just assumed my partner might have been feeling that way too but doing it in spite of it. At that time, I had no understanding of asexuality or any of this terminology. I just wanted to reciprocate and it felt like a lot of work. I realized I couldn't go on for long. I very much loved my partner and really wanted to give him pleasure. Being an asexual person without an awareness of my asexuality, I thought this was normal, that he too must be feeling the same way but was still doing those things just to give me pleasure. Really, I have a hard time understanding sexual people. I heard recently that sexual people actually like giving pleasure to their partner, they enjoy it and it's not like work. I also don't know what offends sexual people and how to let a sexual partner know about my asexuality. I feel like asexuality was one of the reasons why my only past relationship that lasted more than 3 years ended eventually because my sexual partner was not getting what he wanted.  Is it okay to tell a sexual person upfront that you are averse to penetrative sex and are repulsed towards the sight of genitalia? Do others have any similar experience of being receptive to pleasure and enjoying it but not able to give pleasure as long as it does not involve penetrative sexual intercourse? Is this still asexuality or something else? Are there other terms to describe this?

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reid113

 

17 minutes ago, AcerAC said:

I also don't know what offends sexual people and how to let a sexual partner know about my asexuality. I feel like asexuality was one of the reasons why my only past relationship that lasted more than 3 years ended eventually because my sexual partner was not getting what he wanted.  Is it okay to tell a sexual person upfront that you are averse to penetrative sex and are repulsed towards the sight of genitalia?

It is possible to feel pleasure without penetration or dealing with genitalia.  If you find yourself in that kind of situation, I would recommend telling the sexual person that you'd prefer to be intimate in a non-penetrative, non-oral sense, and if they're not cool with that than maybe they value their perceptions of sex over your own and are less than compatible for one another.  Just my thought on it.  It's better than being miserable and pretending to enjoy it when you are in fact repulsed, and the other person would most likely prefer not to repulse you.  

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FictoVore.

Just to clarify there are plenty of sexual people out there who only want to receive sexual pleasure and have very little interest in giving sexual pleasure, it's an actual fetish for some people. And not all sexual women desire or enjoy penetrative sex. I don't enjoy penetration or being given oral (I don't enjoy ANYTHING being done to my genitals) but I still enjoy some sexual acts to the point of wanting them so I'm not asexual. It sounds like you have more of a sexual incompatibility in that you need someone who matches your sexual needs. I met heaps of sexual guys on FetLife who literally want to ONLY give a woman any kind of pleasure she wants and have no interest in actually having anything sexual done to themselves. It sounds more like that's what your issue is as opposed to anything to do with asexuality. It's the type of sex you want, not the orientation.

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AcerAC

 

2 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Just to clarify there are plenty of sexual people out there who only want to receive sexual pleasure and have very little interest in giving sexual pleasure, it's an actual fetish for some people. And not all sexual women desire or enjoy penetrative sex. I don't enjoy penetration or being given oral (I don't enjoy ANYTHING being done to my genitals) but I still enjoy some sexual acts to the point of wanting them so I'm not asexual. It sounds like you have more of a sexual incompatibility in that you need someone who matches your sexual needs. I met heaps of sexual guys on FetLife who literally want to ONLY give a woman any kind of pleasure she wants and have no interest in actually having anything sexual done to themselves. It sounds more like that's what your issue is as opposed to anything to do with asexuality. It's the type of sex you want, not the orientation.

I really don't think I wanted any of it or desired it though I was receptive to it. I accepted it not knowing where to draw boundaries given my lack of understanding or doubts of legitimacy of my own asexuality. And I feel better identifying as an asexual person. Even the pleasure that I'm receptive to has only marginal, if any, significance for me in a relationship. I'd be more than happy with cuddling, having a good conversation and knowing the other person as deeply as possible. That's what a healthy relationship looks like for me. I don't quite get why you would think I'd be interested in FetLife given what I have said.  

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AcerAC
2 hours ago, reid113 said:

 

It is possible to feel pleasure without penetration or dealing with genitalia.  If you find yourself in that kind of situation, I would recommend telling the sexual person that you'd prefer to be intimate in a non-penetrative, non-oral sense, and if they're not cool with that than maybe they value their perceptions of sex over your own and are less than compatible for one another.  Just my thought on it.  It's better than being miserable and pretending to enjoy it when you are in fact repulsed, and the other person would most likely prefer not to repulse you.  

Thank you. I agree there was a lack of compatibility there for sure in terms of sexual preferences. 

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FictoVore.
50 minutes ago, AcerAC said:

 

I really don't think I wanted any of it or desired it though I was receptive to it. I accepted it not knowing where to draw boundaries given my lack of understanding or doubts of legitimacy of my own asexuality. And I feel better identifying as an asexual person. Even the pleasure that I'm receptive to has only marginal, if any, significance for me in a relationship. I'd be more than happy with cuddling, having a good conversation and knowing the other person as deeply as possible. That's what a healthy relationship looks like for me. I don't quite get why you would think I'd be interested in FetLife given what I have said.  

Oh I legitimately thought you meant 'i love receiving sexual pleasure but I hate having to give it and my sexual partners get frustrated with that'. Obviously many sexual people would get frustrated in that situation I just meant that on FetLife there are lots of people with fetishes for that specifically so you'd have a higher chance of finding sexually compatible people there. The way it was explained earlier sounded more like an issue with finding someone who wanted the same kind of sex as you do as opposed to an asexual/sexual issue. But yeah if you actually meant you'd prefer not to have sex at all that's definitely asexual. So you're saying that in your perfect world, you'd rather have a romantic relationship that didn't include sex at all, if possible?

 

And yes it's definitely important to tell any potential sexual partner that you're asexual and don't want or enjoy penetrative sex, BEFORE it gets to the point of being in a relationship. Some people can't be happy in a relationship like that and some can, but it's important for both you and the sexual partner that you both go into the relationship with total sexual honesty!

 

3 hours ago, AcerAC said:

Really, I have a hard time understanding sexual people. I heard recently that sexual people actually like giving pleasure to their partner, they enjoy it and it's not like work. 

The thing I desire and love most about sex is giving my partner sexual pleasure in literally any way he desires because that actually turns me on more than any other type of sex (as long as it doesn't involve my vag being penetrated). I don't care if I orgasm or not or if my genitals are even involved at all, but I love giving sexual pleasure because it's the most rewarding thing knowing the OTHER person is getting off with me and no one else, that I'm satisfying them sexually. It's a very rewarding feeling. And it's also pleasurable to know my partner desires me enough to want me to do those things with him and won't do them with anyone else. For many sexual people, the emotional pleasure of pleasing their partner is often more important than their own physical pleasure during the sexual intimacy. Hope that helps answer that question :)

 

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