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What does this sound like??

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Okay, this is a long post, and if I sound like some weird Tumblr poster please tell me.

One of my best memories from when I was little was one day when I was in a field trip. I was wearing a guy's shirt (I was born female) and I kept looking down at it. It was the best day of my life. If I had any brothers, I may have crossdressed. Muy childhood was pretty normal, but when I turned 8, things got a bit weird. something about my gender felt.. off. didn't feel female, but not quite male either. Something about the way I think just doesn't seem female. This still continues today.

Things got a bit more odd when I got to middle school. I felt like my breasts were too large, and I would wear jackets everywhere. It could be 100 degrees outside, and I'd still wear a jacket. I found myself staring at the boys section in stores (and the guys at my school) and wishing I could wear them, and fantasize about how they would look uninterrupted by breasts (sorry if I sound a bit sexist). I loved the slim, straight waist and narrow hips. It became the subject of many fantasies. I began to look up stories where a female character either dresses as a guy or (agh, this is gonna sound weird) becomes a guy. The dysphoria didn't happen too often, but when it did it sucked. I would look at my breasts and feel physically sick. I got a haircut last year and that was a step forward. Not a buzzcut, just a kind of pixie cut (like Haruhi from OHSHC).

A few days I looked in the mirror and my jacket kinda covered my chest and my hair looked kind of like a greaser's. My mood went up immediately.

To this day, I still feel... slightly female, but mostly neutral, like an androgyne. 


I try not to think of it too often, because I'm really scared it's just a phase or something.  

Sorry for the long post. I haven't told anyone about this in a while. 

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It’s ok to feel this way. Even if it is a phase, phases are good. They help us learn about ourselves. If this turns out to not be a phase, you may be agender or somewhere under the nonbinary umbrella. Hope this helps🎂

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Sometimes it can be scary searching into this. What really helped me was definitely this site and writing stuff and getting it outside my own head. I tend to bottle things up and it helped to have this outlet. I’m not gonna rec possible genders as you seem to just want a place to talk, completely understandable. 


If this is a phase or it isn’t, I hope you find something that makes you feel good. :) 

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