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Aaronsgirlfriend

Im sexual, but sex has lost its appeal

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Aaronsgirlfriend

So my boyfriend is ace and im not and our sex life has been relatively nonexistant for most of our 9 month relationship. I was upset that we werent having it for a few months but now, even though hes more comfortable and even initiates sexual activity, i just dont want sex with him and i dont find pleasure in the idea of sex with him. I dont feel sexy or pretty and when we do have sexy time (which is usually only me giving him oral) he seems less than into it and i feel undesirable or not good enough. Even if he initiates it, i feel like its a forced thing that he doesnt really wanna do and then i dont wanna do it. He doesnt want penetrative sex or to go down on me and i just have like no more sex drive lately even when im by myself. I still love him and am very attracted to him. intillectually i know he finds me attractive and that im upset about something that doesnt have anything to do with, me but it still hurts my feelings. Hes really understanding and sweet, and i feel bad because he feels like hes done something wrong when im upset. Obviously hes done nothing wrong and hes an amazing guy but im really struggling getting past this.

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reid113

That is a tricky situation, but just know that he must perceive you as extremely important to him and feels great affection for you if he initiates sex with you even though he's ace and sex isn't really his forte. It really doesn't seem at all like he's not attracted to you or that you're not good, it just sounds like sex makes him uncomfortable (a bit strange on his end that he lets you go down on him though, maybe his attempting to compromise?) and that's been affecting you, which makes sense because you care so much for him and love him.  It  sounds like you want to be more sexual and have him see you sexually, but it also sounds like you can live with not having sex with him but would prefer it if he didn't pretend to be sexual when he's ace.  At this point, try considering which is more important: you're relationship with him, or your need to feel sexy/find sexual pleasure.  Maybe that can help guide your thought process in handling all this.

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Aaronsgirlfriend

I think he genuinely wants to sometimes, i just cant tell when hes pretending he wants it vs when he actually really wants it and i just always feel like hes just faking it and i just cant do stuff with him because i feel like he doesnt want to. 

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Aaronsgirlfriend

The irony of it all is that at the beginning i didnt get it and i tried to initiate sex and hed be uncomfortable and not want it. However, now weve flipped and hes trying to initiate it and i wont do it. I think the hard part is that Im either super into it and i want it all the time or i become content that were not having it. When he just surprises me once in a while wanting to do it and im not into it he gets upset; it doesnt even have to be this big thing that im not into it.....what he doesnt get is that when sex isnt happening 95% of the time sometimeS i just dont shave my legs that day and dont wanna do it. He thinks im going to get tired of him and leave him, and im not. And when i reject him he like tries more frequently and it just gets harder because i cant feel aroused when its the guy i love with an uncomfortable/uninterested look on his face trying to do stuff with me

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Telecaster68

I'm the sexual partner of a functionally asexual wife. I'm fairly sure she was into it when we were first together, but life events etc. over the years have made her less bothered (it's a fairly common story in this section of the forum...).

 

What you're feeling is pretty standard for sexual partners. After trying to get our heads round the lack of sex, not being desired, asexuality, etc. and finding a way to be okay with something we really weren't expecting, we get to the point of just not wanting to persuade our partners do something they don't want to, especially since the lack of desire on their part makes it kind of decaffeinated as an experience. If/when they do occasionally show interest, it feels like we have to shift our worldview from 'relationship doesn't include sex' to 'relationship does include sex' in a few moments, and that's hard. And we know we'll have to shift back to 'relationship doesn't include sex' afterwards. Meanwhile they've probably been doing that shift the other way round, which must be hard, but at least they don't have to spin on a dime. They know it's coming.

 

The best reaction is to understand that while it doesn't come them desiring you in the hungry, horny way sexuals want each other, it's coming from caring about you and wanting to do something nice for you because you enjoy it. It's a different way of expressing caring and love in a relationship, but just as caring and loving. And trust them... if they say they want to do it, then they're adults, they (presumably) know their mind, and feel okay with offering sex. It won't be the rampant swinging from chandeliers, and they won't be getting the emotional charge from it that sexuals can, but it's worth something.

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Aaronsgirlfriend
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm the sexual partner of a functionally asexual wife. I'm fairly sure she was into it when we were first together, but life events etc. over the years have made her less bothered (it's a fairly common story in this section of the forum...).

 

What you're feeling is pretty standard for sexual partners. After trying to get our heads round the lack of sex, not being desired, asexuality, etc. and finding a way to be okay with something we really weren't expecting, we get to the point of just not wanting to persuade our partners do something they don't want to, especially since the lack of desire on their part makes it kind of decaffeinated as an experience. If/when they do occasionally show interest, it feels like we have to shift our worldview from 'relationship doesn't include sex' to 'relationship does include sex' in a few moments, and that's hard. And we know we'll have to shift back to 'relationship doesn't include sex' afterwards. Meanwhile they've probably been doing that shift the other way round, which must be hard, but at least they don't have to spin on a dime. They know it's coming.

 

The best reaction is to understand that while it doesn't come them desiring you in the hungry, horny way sexuals want each other, it's coming from caring about you and wanting to do something nice for you because you enjoy it. It's a different way of expressing caring and love in a relationship, but just as caring and loving. And trust them... if they say they want to do it, then they're adults, they (presumably) know their mind, and feel okay with offering sex. It won't be the rampant swinging from chandeliers, and they won't be getting the emotional charge from it that sexuals can, but it's worth something.

Thank you for this, i think this is just what i needed to see. Thats probably the problem i need to trust him and not read so deep into things.

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Cat Lady Lisa

Could you ask him to give you some sort of signal when he's feeling ok with the prospect of having sex so you have time to get in the mood? I'm asexual and when I'm in the right frame of mind for some 'fun' I flirt with my husband more and drop hints for a day or 2 so he knows something is on the cards and can get himself in the right frame of mind too. Maybe he could give you hints instead of just dropping it on you and expecting you to get in the mood straight away. Just an idea, it works pretty well for us.

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gisiebob

relationships between four people can be a bit much, might be helpful to boot your perception/expectation of who he is out to the couch for a bit so you can have him all to yourself in the bedroom.

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