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Pikachu27

Afraid of a relationship

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Pikachu27

I'm seventeen and have never been in a relationship. There's been a couple people I asked out in the past, but neither of them said yes. I have a friend I want to ask out, and this time it feels more like there's a real possibility of a relationship happening between us. And that potential scares the living hell out of me.

 

On the plus side, he already knows I'm asexual, so thankfully I won't have to come out to him if he says yes. However, sex is still a very complicated issue for me. The only sex I could ever be comfortable having would be with a romantic partner I'm immensely comfortable with. In theory, it's doable and possibly even pleasant, at least in regard to emotional intimacy and making him happy even if I'm not personally into it. But I don't know how well theory will translate to reality. It's tolerable or good in theory, but I'm afraid that I'm just being naive and kidding myself to think I could accept having sex occasionally much less enjoying it. People tell me that many asexuals enjoy sex, but my fears persist regardless because I don't think there's a way for me to know for certain until I'm actually in the situation. It doesn't help that penises are repulsive to me and I assume my lack of sexual attraction will prevent that feeling from changing in the moment. 

 

I already had a base level of relationship fear because I'm not experienced and he is (and even younger than me, too), and because I'm just generally awkward with people. But this is making it so much worse and I don't know how to handle it. I'm pretty sure I need to be upfront with the fact that sex isn't something I can promise if he wants to date me, but I don't know at what point is the right time for that conversation or how to initiate it or what to say.

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Philip027

Hey, long time no see ;D

 

If something is important to you, then yes, definitely throw it out there.  As long as all the cards are on the table, there's less potential regrets when it comes to relationships.  Someone may reject a relationship because of it, but then you'll at least know it could never have worked out, rather than forever wondering if it could have.

 

Don't fret too much about the sex thing right now.  You're not even there yet (and honestly, someone of your age shouldn't HAVE to be worrying about it), and you don't even know yet if that would be an expectation from this guy.  Cross that bridge only when and if you get to it, I say.

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Pikachu27

Haha, I'm surprised you even remember having ever talked to me XD

 

To be honest, it never even occurred to me that I shouldn't have to be worrying about it right now. People my age having sex has always struck me as weird, mostly because I see us as basically children even though we're becoming adults now, but also probably because of my asexuality. I think my brain broke when I heard a sophomore talking about being glad he knew what it felt like now. Jeezus, most of them hardly seem ready to handling the responsibility, but that's none of my business and I digress. The point is, maybe societal norms are starting to get to me :/

 

Thank you. That helps.

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ver

I don't think this is a situation unique to asexuals - don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say you aren't or anything, just that this is a fairly normal fear to have, especially for someone your age. Sex is kind of a big thing! It's super normal for anyone to be worried about it, especially before the first time. I think the best thing for you to do is to try and take it easy and see where this goes. It's great that you're comfortable enough with this person to have already told them about your asexuality - maybe next you could try and broach the topic of your feelings for them and see what their response is. I totally understand the "sex fear" and especially for people like us it's very easy to get caught up in our worries on the topic ahead of time (the topic is usually quite a bit more difficult for us than sexuals, so it's natural to overthink it to some degree). But as Philip says, there's no point in skipping however many steps ahead! The situation will progress however it will progress, and I'd hope that if he reciprocates your feelings AND knows already about your asexuality then he'll be a bit more understanding if and when you get to the stage of discussing/having sex. If not - you're young and you have plenty of time to discover your boundaries and meet people. :) 

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Philip027
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Haha, I'm surprised you even remember having ever talked to me XD

Of course I remembered ya; you have my number :P

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Pest

A very important thing in all relationships is communication. Perhaps the day will come where you feel ready and willing to try out sex with a partner, perhaps not. 

 

Me and my partner have an open relationship since they are a very sexual person, and I'm not. We have a continous conversation about that part of our relationship to make sure that we are both still comfortable with it and how we do it. It is a solution that works for us, but it's not for everyone. 

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