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angelfall

how to come out to an allosexual romantic interest

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angelfall

I don't know when or how to come out to an allosexual guy I'm currently sort of dating, we've been talking for over a month and have met up once. I feel like it would have been best to come out at the start, but I didn't, and now i'm worried if I tell him I'm on the ace spectrum he will stop talking to me, and maybe even get offended that I didn't tell him.

Since it took so long for us to meet up I don't get the impression he just wants casual sex, and I think a lot of the insecurities I have about it are just in my head, but I still don't know how to bring it up in a not-awkward way, or if I even need to come out to him yet considering we aren't officially dating or anything.

Any advice on the subject would be most appreciated!

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kirakana

Do you know how he feels about relationships/sex in general? Would you be comfortable discussing such topics (not explicitly, of course) with him? Maybe bring up similar themes in conversation to see how he reacts. You could also try dropping some hints about asexuality, if you think that could help.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable you waited to come out to him (especially when you were still getting to know one another), but you should definitely tell him before your relationship turns official. If you close your eyes and try to picture your coming out - what would it be like? Is it a one-on-one conversation? A long text with explanation? If you came out to someone else before, you can learn from that experience. Try to think about what you would keep the same and what you would change.

 

In any case, if he gets seriously offended/stops talking to you because you haven't told him sooner, I don't think the relationship will last. He simply isn't worth the effort.

 

Good luck!

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Sotai

I would recommend telling him before the relationship becomes official. It's normal to wait to see how you two interact with each other in the beginning; you don't necessarily have to go "hey I'm asexual/somewhere on the ace spectrum" right when you start talking to someone. But it is important to have that discussion on how each of you feel about a sexual relationship. Perhaps try telling him that you have something you'd like to talk about with him now that you're getting closer to each other, and you want to make sure that it'd work out between the two of you. I'd also recommend that before you bring it up, take the time to consider what you would be okay with vs not okay with (ie. if you don't want to have sex at all, if you're willing to have sex after dating for some time, etc.) 

I've been dating an allosexual partner for over 4 years now, and I'd say I'm gray-ace or an asexual who is sex-indifferent (not repulsed, at least.) I was also afraid of bringing up my asexuality to him because I knew he'd start to ask about sex soon, and I knew I had to be fully honest about why I didn't want to have sex yet. We'd been friends for a while before we started dating, and sometimes we talked about relationships in general, so he already had the basic idea that I wasn't into casual sex, and I didn't seem like the type of person to desire sex as much as he did. He knew that going into the relationship, so when I explained that I was asexual after we dated for 3 months (I came out as demisexual at the time, although now I probably wouldn't use that label for myself anymore), he took it surprisingly well and wanted to learn more so he could help me feel more comfortable. He actually asked me why I didn't tell him sooner. That's him specifically, so I cannot promise that your partner will react in a similar way. But that's one story of an allosexual taking "coming out" news quite well at the beginning.

I will say that we did have a lot of ups and downs working out the relationship, so even though my partner accepted that I was asexual, he did have a lot of trouble reconciling how he felt about me, how I didn't seem sexually interested in him, and how he expected the relationship to go. At the same time, I had a lot to consider as well. I wanted to share my experiences not to scare you that things may not work out with you, but to try to have a realistic view on how things might happen. 

The key to any relationship really is communication and trust. If the guy you're with stops talking to you or gets offended, then he may not be the best partner to be with anyway because he's not willing to talk it out or understand asexuality. I wish you the best of luck!

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Lara Black

Hello, Angelfall.

 

I’m a sexual in a mixed relationship, and I want to give you some thoughts from our side (as I see it).

I don’t suggest you ask about how important sex is for a sexual person in general. The answer is – very. Even if we can do without it, most of us are used to thinking that sex is one of the most important aspects of a romantic relationship. So what you might want to do is find the sweet spot when to tell him about your asexuality – when he is invested enough, but not so late that he feels deceived. However, if he does ask something in the lines of, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” you can honestly say that you were afraid of his possible reaction and, as it was mentioned here earlier, you wanted to see how things would go between you.

I agree that it’s good to know how far you’re ready to go or what you’d like to try. And maybe you should keep your mind open – what you might be able to compromise with.

Also don’t be too happy if he takes it well or too discouraged if he reacts badly – it might take time for this information to really sink in. So only time will show how he really feels about your asexuality.

Best wishes.

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