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Gean

why do asexuals have sex/do sexual things?

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Gean

Forgive me if this sounds ignorant or stupid, but why do asexual people have sex or do sexual things?. I, myself think I'm asexual, I'm 27, never kissed anyone or took part in anything intimate, because I don't want to and I never have felt the need to. Yes, I do wish sometimes that I could have a relationship with someone, but not a sexual one. And, yes it does mean I feel lonely sometimes, but I wouldn't compromise myself and take part in something that I really didn't feel the need to. Is it because they want to fit in? or don't want to hurt/upset their partner?. But if people hide the fact they are asexual and just go with it for the sake of another person how does that help us? How does that help the visibility or progress for us. Isn't it just hiding yourself for the sake of another person?

I don't mean to sound ignorant or offend anyone's choice in how or what they choose to do, I just don't understand it

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OldSoul

Many asexual people are not repulsed by sex, some are apathetic, or even do enjoy it when in the act.
The individual reason is very much unique per person.
I know many here who do not like sex, but do enjoy pleasing their partner and feeling close in that way.
 

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BlueHairedFairy

I'm in exactly the same boat as you and I do feel lonely sometimes. I think that's just the nature of being human. Whenever I'm feeling that way, I reach out to my best friend (she is sexual, but really supportive of my asextual lifestyle). I think the key is to be honest with people and nuture the positive relationships. If someone is forcing/pressuring you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, then it is not a good relationship. Find individuals who will support you being you.

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TheAngel(of)Peace

I think some sexuals need sex in a relationship, so some asexuals who are partnered with them may choose to have it because they love their partner and want to have a close relationship with them. Like OldSoul said, not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. It's completely the choice of the individual asexual, though, and every relationship is different. I don't think it hurts asexual visibility, since it doesn't necessarily mean you have to hide who you are. It just helps people understand how diverse the community is.

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Gean

I understand that asexuals are not all repulsed by sexual activity, but to do it just to please another person, is beyond me, if you flipped it the other way around, would the sexual person forgo sex to be "close " to the other person and would they understand that closeness doesn't always mean sex

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Sally
1 minute ago, Gean said:

I understand that asexuals are not all repulsed by sexual activity, but to do it just to please another person, is beyond me, if you flipped it the other way around, would the sexual person forgo sex to be "close " to the other person and would they understand that closeness doesn't always mean sex

I think you need to look at it as a very individual decision.  When I had sex with my husband and then my partner, I wasn't doing it as part of the asexual community.  I was an individual, partnered with another individual, and I didn't realize I was asexual because it really wasn't known then -- I just thought I was bad at doing sex and tried to do better.  My story is one story; other asexuals have others.  And yes, some sexuals understand that their asexual partners can feel close without sex, and also some sexuals do limit their sexual activity to please their asexual partners; in fact, one sexual on AVEN has agreed to forgo sex in their marriage and she is not unhappy about it.

 

Thus -- you can't make generalities about what asexuals do in their relationships.

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Marcus Gong

No offence, to all those who are reading this.

But what do we categorize as asexual? I mean I am listening to all your comments here and there. The things I don't understand is what do we count as asexual. Because I feel like I'm like the most Asexual here. Most of you are all in your 20s-30s. I on the other hand am a bit younger. I also do not want an other gender partner, unless as a friend. I also find sex disgusting which makes it weird.

 

2nd thing is that what do you people do if your partner pressures you to doing sex? Even though you find it weird. Would you

A) Have sex with them, don't complain and hide your asexual aspect for the sake of your relationship

B) Tell them your asexual and tell them that you will give it a try but not to try too much

C) Tell them your asexual and that you will absolutely not try sex with them.

D) Abandon them because you think that they did a very rude thing, maybe come back together in a week if they apologize.

 

The 2nd thing is mainly out of curiosity.

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Gean
26 minutes ago, Sally said:

I think you need to look at it as a very individual decision.  When I had sex with my husband and then my partner, I wasn't doing it as part of the asexual community.  I was an individual, partnered with another individual, and I didn't realize I was asexual because it really wasn't known then -- I just thought I was bad at doing sex and tried to do better.  My story is one story; other asexuals have others.  And yes, some sexuals understand that their asexual partners can feel close without sex, and also some sexuals do limit their sexual activity to please their asexual partners; in fact, one sexual on AVEN has agreed to forgo sex in their marriage and she is not unhappy about it.

 

Thus -- you can't make generalities about what asexuals do in their relationships.

Thank you for your insight, but Im not trying to generalize anyone, Im sorry if it came off that way, Im trying to understand. 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
6 minutes ago, Marcus Gong said:

But what do we categorize as asexual? I mean I am listening to all your comments here and there. The things I don't understand is what do we count as asexual. Because I feel like I'm like the most Asexual here.

We are asexual because we don't experience sexual attraction or desire to have sex with anyone.

 

6 minutes ago, Marcus Gong said:

I also do not want an other gender partner, unless as a friend.

I can't tell you your identity, but it sounds like you might be aromantic as well as asexual - you don't experience romantic attraction.

 

7 minutes ago, Marcus Gong said:

I also find sex disgusting which makes it weird.

That might make you sex-repulsed. Some asexuals are, but not all.

 

7 minutes ago, Marcus Gong said:

2nd thing is that what do you people do if your partner pressures you to doing sex? Even though you find it weird. Would you

A) Have sex with them, don't complain and hide your asexual aspect for the sake of your relationship

B) Tell them your asexual and tell them that you will give it a try but not to try too much

C) Tell them your asexual and that you will absolutely not try sex with them.

D) Abandon them because you think that they did a very rude thing, maybe come back together in a week if they apologize.

That depends on the individual.

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Gean
5 minutes ago, Marcus Gong said:

No offence, to all those who are reading this.

But what do we categorize as asexual? I mean I am listening to all your comments here and there. The things I don't understand is what do we count as asexual. Because I feel like I'm like the most Asexual here. Most of you are all in your 20s-30s. I on the other hand am a bit younger. I also do not want an other gender partner, unless as a friend. I also find sex disgusting which makes it weird.

 

2nd thing is that what do you people do if your partner pressures you to doing sex? Even though you find it weird. Would you

A) Have sex with them, don't complain and hide your asexual aspect for the sake of your relationship

B) Tell them your asexual and tell them that you will give it a try but not to try too much

C) Tell them your asexual and that you will absolutely not try sex with them.

D) Abandon them because you think that they did a very rude thing, maybe come back together in a week if they apologize.

 

The 2nd thing is mainly out of curiosity.

no offence, but if you are asking what we categorize as asexual, how can you feel you are the "most asexual", if you had read what I put you would have seen that I, myself have never took part in any sexual activity, not even kissed anyone and never had the desire to, does that make me more asexual? maybe, maybe not, but by the looks of it, its all very complex with varying degrees of asexuality

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Sally
9 minutes ago, Gean said:

no offence, but if you are asking what we categorize as asexual, how can you feel you are the "most asexual", if you had read what I put you would have seen that I, myself have never took part in any sexual activity, not even kissed anyone and never had the desire to, does that make me more asexual? maybe, maybe not, but by the looks of it, its all very complex with varying degrees of asexuality

Asexuality has nothing to do with actions; it has to do with feelings.  A person is no more asexual if they've never had sex than a person who's had sex all their life.   

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Gean
3 minutes ago, Sally said:

Asexuality has nothing to do with actions; it has to do with feelings.  A person is no more asexual if they've never had sex than a person who's had sex all their life.   

Hence why I said I never had the desire to either

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Sally
1 minute ago, Gean said:

Hence why I said I never had the desire to either

What I was pointing out was that not doing either does not make someone more of an asexual.

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Gean
1 minute ago, Sally said:

What I was pointing out was that not doing either does not make someone more of an asexual.

yes, but I was replying to something that someone had said, he said he felt the "most asexual". I was trying to point out, how can we decide what is most asexual, I wasn't stating I was more asexual, I mentioned my situation, to make an example of a difference to his, and that neither one can be "more asexual"

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Janus DarkFox

Elitism aside. everyone has their reasons, there's no gatekeeping toward sexuality either, its who they are and what they do, actions do not correlate any attraction of anything.  An asexual can have no feeling toward sex or romance, but may behave accordingly to develop an existing need to do something for themselves or develop a partners longer term relational development.  It's what I do but can go without.  I'm 30 in my only relationship to date, never in my life have I looked for or desired a relationship, things develop within the right personal context.

 

I also enjoy fetish themes during our times of getting together, many aces can be in some form of relationship or without a relationship to enjoy these fetish themes.  Everyone's equal here, nothing more, nothing less.

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Stheg

I'm married to a sexual. It's my independent choice. That said, it isn't particularly something I enjoy or do all that frequently. While I would prefer my partner to be asexual in an ideal world, I don't live in an ideal world. I like my relationship despite the fact that it's not perfect.

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IceHurricane

There are many reasons why an asexual might have sex. 

 

  • They might enjoy it. Sex is a physical act. Orgasms feel good. Why not lay back and enjoy the ride? Give your hand a break.
  • Intimacy. People use sex to feel closer to their partner. 
  • Pleasing your partner. Some aces don't mind having sex with their partner. They personally don't enjoy it, but they want to make their partner happy. 
  • Curiosity. Some aces who haven't had sex before get curious. Maybe they wanna try it once (or a few times. You shouldn't base your opinion of sex off of one bad experience) just to see how it is and to stop wondering about it. 
  • Experimenting. This falls along with curiosity, but some aces like to try new things. Even if they know sex isn't really their thing, they're always up for an adventure. "I'll try anything once" type of people. Maybe they're trying to find something that works for them before they give up on sex altogether. 

 

 

People can be one or a mix of all of these. I'm sure there are other reasons why aces have sex. These are the ones I could think of at the moment.

 

I'm personally in the experimenting section right now. I haven't really had sex I enjoy yet, but that's not stopping me from looking. :lol:

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mindlife

This question goes more to the meaning of sex for sexual people.  As an asexual, I'm avoidant but not repulsed by sexual contact.  Now the sexual individual with whom I am in a relationship counts sexual contact as quite valuable in the relationship; it is intimacy for this person.  I accept that as a simple fact.  So even though I avoid sex most of the time, I have not ruled it out of my life completely.

And yes, I'm still asexual.  The avoidance, the shape of my consciousness and motivation remain asexual.

 

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Sally
7 minutes ago, mindlife said:

 Now the sexual individual with whom I am in a relationship counts sexual contact as quite valuable in the relationship; it is intimacy for this person.  I accept that as a simple fact. 

:cake:  I wish more asexuals could simply accept it also, rather than trying to understand why sexuals feel that way, and often attempting to "prove" that it should not be that way.  We don't have to personally understand everything.    

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FictoVore.
On 05/12/2017 at 3:06 PM, Sally said:

What I was pointing out was that not doing either does not make someone more of an asexual.

Sally, Gean was responding to this comment:

 

On 05/12/2017 at 2:39 PM, Marcus Gong said:

No offence, to all those who are reading this.

But what do we categorize as asexual? I mean I am listening to all your comments here and there. The things I don't understand is what do we count as asexual. Because I feel like I'm like the most Asexual here. Most of you are all in your 20s-30s. I on the other hand am a bit younger. I also do not want an other gender partner, unless as a friend. I also find sex disgusting which makes it weird.

So that's why Gean made that specific comment about not having had sex.

 

@Marcus Gong asexuality has nothing to do with whether you want a romantic relationship or whether you even engage in sex for the sake of a partner. Asexuality is having no innate desire to connect sexually with other people for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. That's it. So you're not 'more asexual than anyone else here' and being younger certainly doesn't count in your favour regardless because we have a lot of teens join AVEN who discover they were just late bloomers sexually. I'm not saying that's what you are, but it's very, very common here. My partner thought he was fully asexual until he met me when he was 19. I didn't realize I wasn't asexual until I was 28. So age is really no indication of how asexual you are. You either desire to engage in sexual activity with certain other people for pleasure or you don't, and as long as that lasts (if it's a continuous state they've experienced since puberty) then that person is asexual. Other factors like whether they want kids, desire having a romantic partner, or engage in sex to try to keep a partner happy, or masturbate, none of those things have any influence on whether or not they're asexual.

 

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FictoVore.
4 hours ago, IceHurricane said:
  • They might enjoy it. Sex is a physical act. Orgasms feel good. Why not lay back and enjoy the ride? Give your hand a break.
  • Intimacy. People use sex to feel closer to their partner

 

4 hours ago, IceHurricane said:

I'm personally in the experimenting section right now. I haven't really had sex I enjoy yet, but that's not stopping me from looking. 

I'm interested to know how you would define a 'regular sexual person' if you're saying these things are asexual behaviors? What is it that makes someone sexual, to you, that would mean an asexual can actively experience these specific things you listed?

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gaogao
On 12/4/2017 at 11:06 PM, Gean said:

Forgive me if this sounds ignorant or stupid, but why do asexual people have sex or do sexual things?. I, myself think I'm asexual, I'm 27, never kissed anyone or took part in anything intimate, because I don't want to and I never have felt the need to.

I actually wondered this exact same thing until I was around 26-27 as well. I'd never kissed anyone or took part in anything intimate either - I'd never given myself the chance nor thought about it because I'd never seen the point and didn't want to. I actually didn't come to AVEN much (you'll see I signed up in 2012 but only started posting more recently..) because I felt like I couldn't relate to anything here! There was so much focus on relationships and people's conundrums about wanting/not wanting sex that I just didn't get the conversations and couldn't contribute to them.

 

That changed when one of my best friends (now partner) admitted she was developing feelings for me and I started asking myself whether intimacy was something I could consider. While I was always very attached to this friend, I'd thought it wouldn't work out for us to be anything more than good friends since I knew she was sexual... but she clearly wanted to give at least a relationship a go and I didn't want to regret anything by turning her down - we'd known each other for over 5 years already and supported each other through quite a lot, so if I could be comfortable being seen as 'a pair' with anyone I figured it would probably be her. This was at a time when so many of my other friends were starting to pair off and find serious partners, and I felt like I had less and less to relate to with them - so giving a relationship a try seemed like a good step to make. Maybe I was mistaken, I still don't know, but this of course later led to talking about compromise and I had to think very seriously about intimacy and my partner's sexual needs.

 

I don't think this thought process made me any less asexual, nor the fact that I did decide to experiment with sexual things in the end to make her happy. /shrugs

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IceHurricane
12 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

 

I'm interested to know how you would define a 'regular sexual person' if you're saying these things are asexual behaviors? What is it that makes someone sexual, to you, that would mean an asexual can actively experience these specific things you listed?

A 'regular sexual person' is just someone who experiences sexual attraction. Asexuality has nothing to do with your actions. It just means you don't feel sexual attraction. That's literally all it is. Two people can do the exact same things and still have different sexualities. Asexuals can have sex, sexuals may not want to have sex. That doesn't make you 'less asexual' or 'less sexual' than anyone else who identifies as such. I'm not saying these are 'asexual behaviors', I'm stating why asexuals may choose to have sex, even if it's for the same reason sexuals might. Sexuals can do these things too. Sexuals experiment, sexuals get curious, sexuals want to please their partners, sexuals enjoy sex. My point is, there are many reasons why an asexual person might have sex, and that doesn't make them 'less asexual'. 

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FictoVore.
36 minutes ago, IceHurricane said:

A 'regular sexual person' is just someone who experiences sexual attraction. Asexuality has nothing to do with your actions. It just means you don't feel sexual attraction. That's literally all it is. Two people can do the exact same things and still have different sexualities. Asexuals can have sex, sexuals may not want to have sex. That doesn't make you 'less asexual' or 'less sexual' than anyone else who identifies as such. I'm not saying these are 'asexual behaviors', I'm stating why asexuals may choose to have sex, even if it's for the same reason sexuals might. Sexuals can do these things too. Sexuals experiment, sexuals get curious, sexuals want to please their partners, sexuals enjoy sex. My point is, there are many reasons why an asexual person might have sex, and that doesn't make them 'less asexual'. 

I was asking you to describe what you think this sexual attraction is that makes sexual people different from asexual people is. Not the behavior, but what do you think this attraction is?

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IceHurricane
1 minute ago, FictoVore. said:

I was asking you to describe what you think this sexual attraction is that makes sexual people different from asexual people is. Not the behavior, but what do you think this attraction is?

I guess the desire to have sex with a specific person? Thinking about them, fantasizing about them sexually. 'Craving' them maybe? Just an urge to get physical with someone I guess. People see super muscular actors on TV and go 'I want him to have his way with me' or 'I want to lick his muscles (I've heard this one before, I was like what? XD)', see someone with big hands and they say things like 'I wonder what else those fingers can do' or the same with lips. I've had friends tell me they want to bang certain actors or coworkers or just random person they passed by on the street. I don't think asexuals think that way. 

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FictoVore.
7 hours ago, IceHurricane said:

I guess the desire to have sex with a specific person? Thinking about them, fantasizing about them sexually. 'Craving' them maybe? Just an urge to get physical with someone I guess. People see super muscular actors on TV and go 'I want him to have his way with me' or 'I want to lick his muscles (I've heard this one before, I was like what? XD)', see someone with big hands and they say things like 'I wonder what else those fingers can do' or the same with lips. I've had friends tell me they want to bang certain actors or coworkers or just random person they passed by on the street. I don't think asexuals think that way. 

Well a sexual person can still desire that sexual contact in exactly the same way with no specific target, and they choose to have sex with other people based on all sorts of different reasons. Some, for example, experience strong romantic attraction and desire sex as an integral aspect of that romantic bond; it's not that they look at that person and get horny or anything, but sex feels amazing when it's part of that romantic intimacy. Some just love the way sex feels and enjoy it with trusted friends, some even desire sex without any specific preferences other than 'you're willing to have sex with me'. Some are drawn sexually to secific people and desire to have sex with them as a result of that 'sexual pull'.. Sometimes one person can experience a mixture of all these things, some only experience one or the other persistently (I, for example, can *only* be drawn to sexual activity with someone if I'm in love with them. The love itself is  what makes me want sex with that person and no one else). There is no one box fits all when it comes to *who* sexual people have sex with and how they choose partners, but what they all have in common is that to some extent or another, for varying reasons, under certain circumstances, they all desire partnered sexual intimacy for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. That's literally the only thing all sexual people have in common.

 

Yes of course asexuals can have sex, some can even experience pleasurable sensations in their genitals while they're having it. But if they say they 'desire it for the intimacy they experience during sex' then that's actually a common sexual experience. There is sadly a myth perpetuated staunchly throughout much of the asexual community that sexual people all have this specific experience of being drawn to others sexually which is what makes them sexual, but it's not really like that for everyone and that leads to people getting very confused as to what asexuality itself is. But a self-identifying asexual who says they have sex just because they enjoy it will always *choose* some sexual partners over others based on any number of factors. So now we have someone who, like any other sexual person, has chosen to have sex with one person over another just because they enjoy sex but certainly aren't going to just go out and screw any random who crosses their path.. Both those experiences are literally identical and that's  not at all uncommon among sexual people. 

 

'Sexual attraction' is a pretty meaningless concept as it's defined so differently from person to person and no one can define it in a way that applies to *all* sexual people. But yeah it's not some magical thing that only sexuals can experience, pretty much if they're seeking sex for emotional pleasure it can literally be as basic as just enjoying the intimacy and not really even minding who they have it with as long as that person is willing. Just because they aren't seeking out specific people based on appearance or whatever doesn't make them any less sexual though.

 

That's what I was getting at with my intitual response to you. Some of the things you described were identical to the exact reasons *why* many sexual people have sex, which would kind of render the asexual label meaningless if asexual people can be drawn to sex in the exact same way sexual people are, and seek it for the exact same reasons.

 

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