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butterflydreams

Gender due diligence

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butterflydreams

As part of my mental preparation for more permanent things, like surgeries, I want to make sure I’m doing my due diligence. I want to really question my identity and what I’m doing. No holds barred.

 

One of the big things that concerns me is what if this whole identity is the result of a complex I developed being alone and unwanted for so long? Am I transitioning because I’ve never been with anyone before? Sometimes I hear a mean voice in my head that says, “if you had gotten laid at a normal age and had a girlfriend, you wouldn’t be transitioning right now.”

 

I have to also say, dysphoria doesn’t even seem real sometimes. Like how can this be a real thing? It’s just too mind-boggling to comprehend sometimes. It’s hard to trust how I feel. Even though all the evidence points to yes. If I could go to sleep and wake up tomorrow, pain free, and be anatomically correct, I’d take it in a heartbeat. I remember how I felt when I first started transitioning. How my body finally started to feel like my own. I feel like I’m hung up on things that remain now.

 

But I’m afraid that this is all because I’ve spent so much time alone. I’m afraid that all of this isn’t real. Or does it even matter? Sometimes it feels like the world is against your entire identity and it can’t possibly be real. How the heck do people move past that?

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Finn.

I feel like because gender is a lot about your internal self and you're perception and thoughts about yourself, it becomes this very... floating thing. You can't properly hold on to it, prove it, put it in a box to keep and look at. And especially with dysphoria, and this divide within yourself, it's like a loop. It's a lot about talking with yourself in your head, I think. And you can't really talk about it in words with others, especially cis people.

 

And afterall we live in a society that makes us feel invalid. Why not take the easy road and *not be trans*, you know? What if you regret it, you just wanted to be special, you just felt unloved and undesirable. I have transphobic thoughts too, it's so hard to get rid of.

 

52 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Or does it even matter?

In the end I don't think it matters. I think you're already past the point of regret. Big changes create worry and doubt naturally.

 

I just remembered this trans guy I worked with nearly two years ago. I met him on the day he came back from the hospital, after his first surgery of phalloplasty. He walked like the most macho cowboy you could imagine, and as he entered the room, he just laughed loudly and told everybody that he still can't sit down. He was so loud about all the details, that everybody just had to laugh with him. It was the best thing. I think he did this to cover up his own nervousness, and it worked so well. (Also he was a very loud person anyways).

 

I don't know where I'm going with this. Sorry if this did not help at all.

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butterflydreams
2 hours ago, Finn. said:

And afterall we live in a society that makes us feel invalid. Why not take the easy road and *not be trans*, you know? What if you regret it, you just wanted to be special, you just felt unloved and undesirable. I have transphobic thoughts too, it's so hard to get rid of.

I can't imagine my life not being this. I opened the door and I've walked through it. There's no going back now. And surely if I wanted to be loved and desired I wouldn't have done it. I guess it's just scary.

 

I wonder how many of these things we internalize. I feel like that's the hardest part of transitioning. Living in a world that says you can't be possible. It can get to you.

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Calligraphette_Coe
4 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

As part of my mental preparation for more permanent things, like surgeries, I want to make sure I’m doing my due diligence. I want to really question my identity and what I’m doing. No holds barred.

 

One of the big things that concerns me is what if this whole identity is the result of a complex I developed being alone and unwanted for so long? Am I transitioning because I’ve never been with anyone before? Sometimes I hear a mean voice in my head that says, “if you had gotten laid at a normal age and had a girlfriend, you wouldn’t be transitioning right now.”

Take it from someone who listened to that voice and lived to regret giving into it.  Nothing would have changed,  and you'd just have someone who would hate you for not being cis and wasting their time.

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butterflydreams
5 minutes ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

Take it from someone who listened to that voice and lived to regret giving into it.  Nothing would have changed,  and you'd just have someone who would hate you for not being cis and wasting their time.

*hugs*

 

I think this highlights something I'm discounting, which is that I'm not cis. These scenarios I'm imagining wouldn't happen the way I imagine them because I'm not cis. But there's this narrative in my head that plays that says things would work. They wouldn't though, because that's not who I am.

 

I always like to think of my entrance here in late 2014 as when I first started questioning my gender, but that's not true. I was already questioning things as early as 2012. Long before I'd spent years alone.  And even before that, I knew something was up with me. I'd been looking for it my whole life. I think that's what all this is. Conclusions drawn on the assumption that I'm cis. Those conclusions can't be right though.

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