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TheAngel(of)Peace

Questioning my romantic orientation - again

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TheAngel(of)Peace

Hi everyone,

 

So I've been defining my romantic orientation as quoiromantic for a while now, which means that I can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction. But I've been thinking lately that I want a more precise label, and I'm wondering if anyone here has any insight.

 

I experience intense obsessions with people. These obsessions cause me a lot of anxiety and typical crush-like feelings. But I've never been sure if they are romantic or not, and the more I think about it, the more I think they're not. I do sometimes want to cuddle with the person, but I don't really desire a romantic relationship with them - I just want to be friends. If their orientation isn't compatible with mine, I don't mind. Also, I'm not sure if a romantic relationship with one of my obsessions would even work out, since I tend to idealize them so much that I'd be bound to be disappointed when I really got to know them.

 

There are a couple other things that make me think these obsessions cannot be romantic. Sometimes I have negative obsessions with people - I think about them a lot as usual, but instead of idealizing them, I de-idealize them and imagine them doing really bad things. There's definitely no romantic component to these obsessions. Sometimes I even have obsessions with places, and they feel the same way as my obsessions with people. Obviously, these cannot be romantic.

 

But I'm hesitant to call myself aromantic, because I still find myself thinking loving, romantic thoughts toward these people. I like some love songs, and I like to connect them to the person I'm obsessed with. I'm not opposed to the idea of a romantic relationship if I could find the right person. I guess none of this disqualifies me from being aromantic, but I'm still hesitant to adopt that label because my experience seems to be so different from that of other aromantics - I'm not completely uninterested in romance and have had mushy thoughts toward people.

 

Anyone have any thoughts or insights?

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Yatagarasu

So maybe simply grey-aromantic? Lithromantic would fit if you didn't want to act on those emotions. Hmm... I'm pretty sure I've seen a romantic orientations masterpost somewhere over there... Oh, here it is!

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TheAngel(of)Peace
7 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

So maybe simply grey-aromantic? Lithromantic would fit if you didn't want to act on those emotions. Hmm... I'm pretty sure I've seen a romantic orientations masterpost somewhere over there... Oh, here it is!

Yeah, maybe grey-aromantic. I'm not sure, though, because I'm not sure if I've ever actually experienced romantic attraction. And I used to identify as lithromantic, but then I realized that both it and cupioromantic were somewhat relatable to me, which didn't make sense, as they're supposed to be opposite. (The problem with being quoiromantic.) I'll check out that list again.

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caetxln

Grey aromantic and even maybe demiromantic,maybe? 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
1 minute ago, caetxln said:

Grey aromantic and even maybe demiromantic,maybe? 

Yeah, maybe. But I don't think I can really call myself demiromantic, since I haven't gotten into a strong platonic relationship that led to romantic attraction.

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Yatagarasu
9 minutes ago, TheAP said:

Yeah, maybe grey-aromantic. I'm not sure, though, because I'm not sure if I've ever actually experienced romantic attraction. And I used to identify as lithromantic, but then I realized that both it and cupioromantic were somewhat relatable to me, which didn't make sense, as they're supposed to be opposite. (The problem with being quoiromantic.) I'll check out that list again.

I stick with grey-aro, because I like things to be simple. I hardly process even remotely romantic emotions and even if they happen, I sometimes don't know if they're indeed romantic or maybe something else (which kinda resembles quoiromantic orientation). I even questioned my own relationship many times. That would be aromantic, right? But I sometimes get those random outbursts of feelings, I don't understand myself, hence the grey part. ^^

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caetxln
18 minutes ago, TheAP said:

Yeah, maybe. But I don't think I can really call myself demiromantic, since I haven't gotten into a strong platonic relationship that led to romantic attraction.

Oh,I get it.To be honest romantic and sexual orientations was never really my best suit.And it might sound cliche -probably is whatever- but when I came out the first time ( i came out 2 people in my life.) I came out as "umm...idk I like girls." that was my sexual orientation cause I didn't know that did I really liked guys or because of the society that is telling me the like guys.So i figured out that romantic and sexual orientation might be different.And I tried to identify myself as something. I still to this day don't think "Homoromantic Bisexual" best fits me but it is closer what i am.

 

In your situation I think your platonic relationships doesn't turn out to be romantic ones but that doesn't mean you don't seek romantic relationships with someone. It's like feeling something but neutral about acting on it.There is few questions that you should ask yourself because I think nobody can answer and understand you better than yourself.If this person,some person who you are obsessed with liked you.Would you be with that person? Or would you reject any kind of romantic relationship with that person? 

 

But as I exampled from me you don't have to be in some spot in the spectrum.Some people are somewhere between two dots.Some people's dots are moving,some people doesn't have any dots.Still answering and finding out your self identity is up to you but even if you can't pinpoint your romantic orientation that doesn't mean you don't belong into one.

 

:) I wish you best in your life and finding your romantic orientation. 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
3 minutes ago, caetxln said:

Would you be with that person? Or would you reject any kind of romantic relationship with that person? 

I think I would, if I could. I don't know if it would work out, though.

 

Thank you for your support. :)

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

I think you may be gray-aromantic.:o

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Topi

Well, I can't help a lot, because I have the same problem. All you described is me. (this makes me think of the first PM I sent you. :D

 

I don't know if it's my low romantic drive or not, but I only felt this towards one person in real life, but in the Internet, I feel this towards my ship. I found that person fascinating and was obsessed with them, but I only wanted to be friends. Every time they touched me I just wanted to run away. I don't know if I have some kind of commitment problem or not... With them I didn't have romantic fantasies, but with other people (unknown, I don't imagine faces or bodies) I have them. Romantic fantasies occur only with people I don't know and exist, the same with sexual ones too. 

 

I'm afraid of having that reaction to everyone I may have an obsession with. So, everytime I may start to grow an attachment to someone, I run away. It's by instinct, I don't think, I just give it a time. The feelings disappear and then I can return again. 

 

Like you, places have the same reaction on me. I most of the time say that I will marry a River or a beautiful monument. I know I don't ever want to marry a person. If I love someone, I can get together with them, but I don't need a contract to show it. 

 

And that's why, I don't care about labels, feelings and emotions are hard to describe and tell apart. They are sometimes just in the middle and can't be measured or labelled. But I believe that if you have a somewhat lack of attraction or drive or desire for romantic relationships, then you must be in the gray area of the romantic spectrum. If that somehow makes it hard for you to enter a relationship or be almost impossible it may make you gray-aro. However, it's you that has to see what fits better. 

 

Hope you can find what you are looking for, AP! :)

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:)(:
4 hours ago, TheAP said:

 

I experience intense obsessions with people. These obsessions cause me a lot of anxiety and typical crush-like feelings. But I've never been sure if they are romantic or not, and the more I think about it, the more I think they're not. I do sometimes want to cuddle with the person, but I don't really desire a romantic relationship with them - I just want to be friends.

I feel you this happens to me but it frustrates me that it goes away so quickly like a month or two  (especially since I know that we will probably not see each other again ). I’m in high school about to go to college. And then I get over conscious and stuff especially since the perosn I like has a habit of saying I love you. And the person is only being nice.

 

I honesty just want to make up a term like quasi-platonic romantic friendship oriented and just go with it.

 

I mean someone had to create the word asexual.

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TheAngel(of)Peace
1 minute ago, :)(: said:

I honesty just want to make up a term like quasi-platonic romantic friendship oriented and just go with it.

I think you should call yourself whatever you want.

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Apathetic Echidna

I have talked about possessive obsession being unrelated to attractions, as it is more about pride of ownership and control. I'm assuming that is not what you experience. So your obsessive-type experiences might just be how you experience your strong attractions. When I have a strong attraction it is like being hit in the head and blinded to everything else. 

The strength of your attraction is the same but it seems the attractions involved can be different, leading to different experiences. To me it sounds like for some there is some romantic attraction involved in a few of them, probably some aesthetic attraction too. The negative obsessions would involve a attraction I don't know a name for, but these are the people you love to hate, maybe it is an attraction based on the need for moral superiority by imagining them doing bad things. 

I call myself Apressexual as sexual attraction only follows another attraction ~ though it doesn't show up all the time. Maybe you could be something similar but on the romantic spectrum? the romantic attraction you feel pops up sometimes when you have a whole mix of strong other feelings towards the person. 

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TheAngel(of)Peace

Interesting. I'm not sure if it's the need for moral superiority, though. Because usually I don't really hate the person. I just get caught up in the fantasies. 

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Anfal

I just came to realize that I'm asexual. I can relate to this post so very much. I don't know what it is but I feel the exact same way. Thankyou for existing stranger... 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
2 hours ago, Anfal said:

I just came to realize that I'm asexual. I can relate to this post so very much. I don't know what it is but I feel the exact same way. Thankyou for existing stranger... 

Aww, that's great that you can relate! And I'm honoured that you chose to make your first post in response to me.

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Apathetic Echidna
16 hours ago, TheAngel(of)Peace said:

I'm not sure if it's the need for moral superiority

I threw a 'maybe' into my sentence because it was the only thing I could think of because I have done it for that reason before, I'm sure there are other reasons and drives. Getting caught up in your fantasies though, have you thought of being a writer? I'm sure your imagination has extra muscle

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TheAngel(of)Peace
21 minutes ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I threw a 'maybe' into my sentence because it was the only thing I could think of because I have done it for that reason before, I'm sure there are other reasons and drives. Getting caught up in your fantasies though, have you thought of being a writer? I'm sure your imagination has extra muscle

Yes, I do enjoy writing and imagining things. I mostly see that as separate from my obsessive fantasies, though.

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Anfal
On 12/5/2017 at 1:23 AM, TheAngel(of)Peace said:

Hi everyone,

 

So I've been defining my romantic orientation as quoiromantic for a while now, which means that I can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction. But I've been thinking lately that I want a more precise label, and I'm wondering if anyone here has any insight.

 

I experience intense obsessions with people. These obsessions cause me a lot of anxiety and typical crush-like feelings. But I've never been sure if they are romantic or not, and the more I think about it, the more I think they're not. I do sometimes want to cuddle with the person, but I don't really desire a romantic relationship with them - I just want to be friends. If their orientation isn't compatible with mine, I don't mind. Also, I'm not sure if a romantic relationship with one of my obsessions would even work out, since I tend to idealize them so much that I'd be bound to be disappointed when I really got to know them.

 

There are a couple other things that make me think these obsessions cannot be romantic. Sometimes I have negative obsessions with people - I think about them a lot as usual, but instead of idealizing them, I de-idealize them and imagine them doing really bad things. There's definitely no romantic component to these obsessions. Sometimes I even have obsessions with places, and they feel the same way as my obsessions with people. Obviously, these cannot be romantic.

 

But I'm hesitant to call myself aromantic, because I still find myself thinking loving, romantic thoughts toward these people. I like some love songs, and I like to connect them to the person I'm obsessed with. I'm not opposed to the idea of a romantic relationship if I could find the right person. I guess none of this disqualifies me from being aromantic, but I'm still hesitant to adopt that label because my experience seems to be so different from that of other aromantics - I'm not completely uninterested in romance and have had mushy thoughts toward people.

 

Anyone have any thoughts or insights?

:) It's just that I was so scared and confused whether or not this is the right thing and when I read  this post I realized instantly that  I was in the right place. 

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TheAngel(of)Peace
11 hours ago, Anfal said:

:) It's just that I was so scared and confused whether or not this is the right thing and when I read  this post I realized instantly that  I was in the right place. 

That's awesome. :) 

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