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CodyBlueze

Can you be asexual and still want to have sex?

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CodyBlueze

I am sexually confused here, I want to have sex at some point in my life, but I don't actually feel any attraction or desire to be with anyone I see. Granted, I am young, but I'm actually quite mature for my age. Everyone around me seems to be coming out with their sexuality and I'm feeling quite pressured to confirm mine, I feel like I am asexual as I haven't ever had a crush, I've convinced myself I have had them in the past but now I dismiss them as me trying to figure out my sexuality. I'm never fawned over someone or felt my heart quicken when said person comes near, I'm just sort of regarded everyone with disinterest and general passive-aggressiveness  my whole life, although obviously less when I was younger. Help me, please!

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TheAngel(of)Peace

It sounds like you could be asexual, and maybe aromantic as well if you've never had a crush. When you say you want to have sex, is it just out of curiosity, or for some other reason?

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CodyBlueze
1 minute ago, TheAP said:

When you say you want to have sex, is it just out of curiosity, or for some other reason?

I do want to experience it out of curiosity but also for pleasure, I feel bad when I say this, but it's the truth. I've -obviously- never had it before and want to know what's it's like, with both a female and a male.

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Mermaidy

an asexual could be curious to try sex in the same way that a homosexual/heterosexual guy could be curious to try sex with a female/male respectively

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Adleisio

From what I've recently been reading it seems like arguably one of the most important aspects of asexuality is whether or not you experience sexual attraction towards someone. It seems completely reasonable to me that you would be interested in something that may be pleasurable for you, but not necessarily be sexually interested in the person that you are doing it with. Overall though, your sexuality is something which you get to interpret. If you identify with asexuality then you're asexual, simple as that. It's also completely okay if later on you feel as though asexuality isn't able to encompass who you are. These categories of sexuality, or lack thereof, are very broad umbrellas which, I believe, are a way of allowing people to connect with others and try to make some sense of the complex individuals each of us are. I definitely understand the desire to be able to firmly state one's identity, and also how distressing it is not to have a clear answer on what that identity is, but it's also important to remember that identity is something which grows over an individual's life. You don't have to find the 'right' answer now :) 

 

(P.S. sorry for the long spiel, I just got kinda excited :P)

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CodyBlueze
4 minutes ago, Adleisio said:

I definitely understand the desire to be able to firmly state one's identity, and also how distressing it is not to have a clear answer on what that identity is, but it's also important to remember that identity is something which grows over an individual's life. You don't have to find the 'right' answer now

I don't exactly want to identify myself right now, it's just that everyone else around me has identified themselves and I feel awkward being the only one confused. Afraid people will judge me and they pester me for an answer. I just don't really care about relationships, in my opinion they're a waste of time. But that may just be me trying to be edgy, Idk. But for now I believe I will stick with asexual as an answer, although I don't exactly want to be labeled as it.

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Adleisio
3 minutes ago, CodyBlueze said:

I don't exactly want to identify myself right now, it's just that everyone else around me has identified themselves and I feel awkward being the only one confused. Afraid people will judge me and they pester me for an answer. I just don't really care about relationships, in my opinion they're a waste of time. But that may just be me trying to be edgy, Idk. But for now I believe I will stick with asexual as an answer, although I don't exactly want to be labeled as it.

That sounds like a good solution. I really hope things work out!

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CodyBlueze

Thanks! I hope they do too.

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Adleisio

I was also just exploring the forums and there's this post that lists all (?) of the different sexualities. Maybe there's something on here that might be more specific to you! 

 

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Alejandrogynous

Hi Cody, welcome to the forum. :)


Only you can decide how you identify, and if you feel that the asexual label might benefit you, then that's awesome. Regardless of what you decide, exploration is great!


Just a few things:


If you're going to use AVEN's definition of asexuality, "asexuals do not experience sexual attraction," then you should keep in mind that the AVEN FAQ defines sexual attraction as, "desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them." Therefore, if you desire sexual intimacy with a partner, that would mean that on some level, you're experiencing sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is a much broader thing than simply looking at someone attractive and feeling aroused. It could also be because you love someone and want to be intimate with them, or because you just want sex because it feels good. (Those are only a few examples.)


Sexual attraction is a very subjective thing, it's different for everyone and therefore everyone's definition of it is different, which can lead to a lot of confusion. This is why some of us prefer to use the definition, "asexuals lack the innate desire for partnered sex," instead. It bypasses the ambiguity of what sexual attraction even means, and focuses on whether or not you possess the innate ability to desire partnered sex for your own pleasure and gratification. 


If you feel that you DO have the ability to want partnered sex at some point, then I would say that sounds like a normal sexual experience to me. I'm not you though, so only you can say! The most important thing to remember is that it's okay to be unsure, and to not feel pressured to have it all figured out. Humans spend their entire lives learning about who they are, you're definitely not the only one. There's also nothing wrong with using a label only to realize later that it doesn't fit you anymore, and leaving it behind.

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Zebrafinch

I feel similar to you - sex is something I'd like to try one day, but it's pretty low on my priority list. There's also the question of who to have it with - what gender, for a start. And I sort of think that I should have some interest them beforehand, but I've never met anyone who I'm remotely interested in that way.

 

Spoiler
Spoiler

 

 

 

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Pramana
3 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

 or because you just want sex because it feels good... the innate ability to desire partnered sex for your own pleasure and gratification.

No, that would be a reason for wanting sex, not sexual attraction (sexual attraction is necessarily based on a concept about another person, such that it is a type of sexual desire that is oriented towards another person – hence the concept of sexual orientation). Here's what AVEN's FAQ actually says:

"Besides wishing to connect with a sexual partner, there are other reasons why some asexuals choose to participate in sexual activity. The motivation might be curiosity or experimentation (a good proportion of asexuals have tried sex at some point in the past). Certain aspects of sex might be sensual and enjoyable enough to be motivation for some people even without sexual attraction or drive. Even if it is not immediately desired, sexual release can certainly be pleasurable for an asexual; think of it as not being hungry but still enjoying an ice cream cone. In a loving relationship, some asexuals may enjoy giving sexual pleasure to their partner without the need for any sexual gratification in return. If sex makes their partner feel loved, then some asexuals may wish to take part in consensual sex acts if only because they desire their partner's happiness."
http://www.asexuality.org/?q=general.html

Also consider relevant passage from Understanding Asexuality:


“Relatedly, it is certainly true that sexual people sometimes have sex and masturbate without necessarily connecting the sexual pleasure to anyone specifically. So, for example, sexual men and women may enjoy the sheer physical sensation of intercourse without necessarily being attracted to their partners. Thus, as we have suggested, subjective physical pleasure and sensation associated with arousal can be divorced from one’s attraction to others."

Anthony F. Bogaert, Understanding Asexuality (Lanham, Boulder, New York, Toronto, Plymouth, UK: Rowman & Littlefield, 2012/2015), at page 60.

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Alejandrogynous
5 minutes ago, Pramana said:

No, that would be a reason for wanting sex, not sexual attraction (sexual attraction is necessarily based on a concept about another person, such that it is a type of sexual desire that is oriented towards another person – hence the concept of sexual orientation).

Yes, but sexual attraction would be the reason they chose a partner for sex instead of just, say, masturbated. Also, that quote from the FAQ is talking about asexuals who compromise because they're not sex-repulsed, meaning they do it because it makes their partners happy and are able to make it a pleasurable experience for themselves when it happens. If their partners didn't want sex, the asexuals would be happy to live the rest of their lives without missing it at all.

 

But I'm not getting into this debate again. I was just offering the OP some advice which is what they asked for, not an academic debate they can read a thousand times over on this forum with all the identical threads you've started.

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Pramana
3 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

Yes, but sexual attraction would be the reason they chose a partner for sex instead of just, say, masturbated. Also, that quote from the FAQ is talking about asexuals who compromise because they're not sex-repulsed, meaning they do it because it makes their partners happy and are able to make it a pleasurable experience for themselves when it happens. If their partners didn't want sex, the asexuals would be happy to live the rest of their lives without missing it at all.

 

But I'm not getting into this debate again. I was just offering the OP some advice which is what they asked for, not an academic debate they can read a thousand times over on this forum with all the identical threads you've started.

This is incorrect. The passage of the FAQ was specifically intended to avoid a prescriptive definition of asexuality as a person who would prefer not to have sex. You can see that on Nat Titman's (who wrote the FAQ) discussion of the topic on Apositive, and also through Andrew Hinterliter's Asexual Explorations blog commentary. Therefore, it seems to me that you were misinterpreting AVEN's FAQ through part of your response, and so I think it would be helpful to provide clarification in light of the OP's question, since it is possible to want to have sex without experiencing sexual attraction.

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CompassionateChimp99

Chiming in to say that yes, you can want to have sex whilst being ace! It varies from person to person, but it's not like you'll be ejected or ostracised or anything. All the best, friend!

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