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relabel my sexuality, maybe?


marianna

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I'm at a loss here. I am a lesbian cis woman, I love girls, and I've had great relationships with girls and am currently in a amazing polyamorous relationship with my girlfriend who is awesome. all good on this side of the medal. What worries me is my really fucked up attitude towards men and people who identify with masculinity.

 

So, recently I fell in love with a guy -- again. this has happened before, I've had a couple of long-term loving relationships with guys, but it never worked out. One repeating dynamic was that at some point I start trying to feminise them, dress them up, or don't take them seriously in their masculinity anymore. All of my former boyfriends have had long hair and other feminine features or were dancers. I despise macho-types, and, when I date a guy for some time, grow to hate everything about them that is not on my side of the gender spectrum.

 

Every time I fall for a guy it stresses me out to an extreme extent. It is like my body wants to attack my lesbian identity. I know I can't tell anyone about it, because a lesbian who loves men? That's just silly. And yes, I know what bisexuality is. I tried to identify with it when I was in highschool, but it doesn't fit me. I also tried to label me homoromantic bisexual, but that didn't work either.

 

I'm not interested in relationships with guys (except when they turn out to be trans girl eggs, which is my secret wish every time this shit happens to me.) I'm not interested in sex with guys. When I fall in love with them it's more like falling in love with a female version of that person, and it hurts because I project all those things into them that simply are not there and in exchange ignore all the things that actually are that I associate with masculinity. I've had people tell me that this is just what happens when you fall in love, you only see the good parts, but I know how amazing and right it feels to fall in love with a woman or agender person and when that happens, I am able to see the person who's actually there. Maybe I idealise them a little. It's just that idealising men for me apparently involves thinking of them as women.
 
I rarely act on feelings towards guys anymore because it obviously can't work out. But I still keep having them. As you all can probably tell, I'm in a period of distress and anxiety right now, and since I have known me for a while I'm pretty sure those feelings will leave at some point and I will suppress the memory of dealing with the embarassment of having to question my gayness. So, before I'm caught up again in a point of this repeating circle where I am not motivated enough to work on this: what are your thoughts? Why does this keep happening? Do you believe that a lesbian can fall for men (regularly)? Do any of you have a better label for me?

Help me please!

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Hello marianna, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :cake:

 

Just to throw an idea into this thread: biromantic, in the sense of female or agender, rather than female or male?

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1 hour ago, marianna said:

I'm at a loss here. I am a lesbian cis woman, I love girls, and I've had great relationships with girls and am currently in a amazing polyamorous relationship with my girlfriend who is awesome. all good on this side of the medal. What worries me is my really fucked up attitude towards men and people who identify with masculinity.

 

So, recently I fell in love with a guy -- again. this has happened before, I've had a couple of long-term loving relationships with guys, but it never worked out. One repeating dynamic was that at some point I start trying to feminise them, dress them up, or don't take them seriously in their masculinity anymore. All of my former boyfriends have had long hair and other feminine features or were dancers. I despise macho-types, and, when I date a guy for some time, grow to hate everything about them that is not on my side of the gender spectrum.

 

Every time I fall for a guy it stresses me out to an extreme extent. It is like my body wants to attack my lesbian identity. I know I can't tell anyone about it, because a lesbian who loves men? That's just silly. And yes, I know what bisexuality is. I tried to identify with it when I was in highschool, but it doesn't fit me. I also tried to label me homoromantic bisexual, but that didn't work either.

 

I'm not interested in relationships with guys (except when they turn out to be trans girl eggs, which is my secret wish every time this shit happens to me.) I'm not interested in sex with guys. When I fall in love with them it's more like falling in love with a female version of that person, and it hurts because I project all those things into them that simply are not there and in exchange ignore all the things that actually are that I associate with masculinity. I've had people tell me that this is just what happens when you fall in love, you only see the good parts, but I know how amazing and right it feels to fall in love with a woman or agender person and when that happens, I am able to see the person who's actually there. Maybe I idealise them a little. It's just that idealising men for me apparently involves thinking of them as women.
 
I rarely act on feelings towards guys anymore because it obviously can't work out. But I still keep having them. As you all can probably tell, I'm in a period of distress and anxiety right now, and since I have known me for a while I'm pretty sure those feelings will leave at some point and I will suppress the memory of dealing with the embarassment of having to question my gayness. So, before I'm caught up again in a point of this repeating circle where I am not motivated enough to work on this: what are your thoughts? Why does this keep happening? Do you believe that a lesbian can fall for men (regularly)? Do any of you have a better label for me?

Help me please!

Hi,maybe you are just attracted femininity.You know,the female form.I believe that if you are not biromantic or panromantic I don't think lesbian can fall for a men.That's my opinion.I think you are lesbian who likes girls or mens with femininity.And I think it's okay to be not fit into anywhere strictly. 

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