Please help me I’m scared

[Ariam]

I don’t know what I am....because asexuals don’t like flirting, kissing touching, or anything sexual but I deeply crave an intimate loving forever relationship I am just not ok with sex. I can’t do it it’s too scary and I know I will always be alone because of that. I can’t be alone I am scared and to top it all off I am ugly and fat and have NEVER been flirted with or asked out unless it was a dare by someone. I am 15, and I swear to god I am going to be very angry if you say my feelings will change. That’s the worst thibg thag coulf happen!!! They cannot change! What if my future self is a slut who gets pregnant all the time???

 I will just flat out say, i am terrified of being naked in front of anyone and I am scared of getting pregnant and there is literally no 100% effective ways to prevent it also I don’t like penises!!  I have never even been to that doctor girls see! I never will either. The fear paralyzes ne please help!!! There is no guy who will ever love me. Sorry about the spelling I type fast

[Ariam]

OH and my aunt and uncle says even if I do manage to have a relationship he will either leave me wheb he finds out or he will stat but have sex with other women 

[OldSoul]

You are only fifteen. It's alright.
Many asexuals love kissing, cuddling, and the likes!
AROMANTICS don't.
You can be hetero/homo/biromantic and still not want sex.

I will type more, but I wanted to send this as soon as possible to help as fast as I could.

[OldSoul]

You are so young, and I understand your fear. But lots of adult men and women don't want sex, and many more would be happy in a relationship without it!
Asexuality does not mean you do not want romance, and lots of asexuals still tolerate or are apathetic to sex.
You have years and years to understand your own unique sexuality, but there isn't a rush.
You will not need to see a gynecologist until you are older, or have a physical problem, and by then you will likely be far more comfortable with your body.

(more to come, hang in there!)

[Lucas Monteiro]

You should give yourself some time to read more the forum, because asexuals can like kissing, touching and even flirting. You can be asexual and like all that and just not like sex or to act to do sex. You can develop an intimate relationship with someone who thinks the same as you, someone asexual and there is even sexuals who depending on the situation would agree with you and would just not want to do sex in an relationship. I am not going to say that your feelings will change, only you know yourself the best, and when people at your age say that they are gay or bisexual, people just accept usually and don't keep saying that they will change their feelings.

 

And you should first love yourself, and only after that the others. If you keep saying that no one is going to love you, this is mostly likely going to happen because of how you are thinking, and thus affecting the others around you. Loving yourself first is going to change your mood and how people look at you and I am almost sure, someone will appear for you.

 

Don't believe when people say to you that they already figured out all their lifes, that they know who they are. Because humans are complicated, there it will always be something new to discover about ourselves, always something to challenge the way we think. I am sure you will find your way, because life it's not an game, it's an path. 

 

I recommend you looking at this link for more information : http://wiki.asexuality.org/Asexuality

[OldSoul]

If you were with a man who would leave you for that, then you aren't with a man you would want, anyway! 
You can find a man (or woman, etc!) who will love you for who you are, should you be in a place in your life when you are older when you want a relationship.
You wouldn't want to pick a person that didn't love you for everything you are, anyway.
There are literally BILLIONS of people on this earth, and you have all this time to fine the one person- if you want that. Later you may find that you do not desire a relationship, and that's okay, too!
You are not half, looking for a missing half. You are whole on your own.

[OldSoul]

And it's alright that you don't know much about asexuality yet! You're still so young, and it can be frightening to find something like this out about yourself!
Welcome to the forum! There are so many people here to support you!
I'm so sorry you have people in your life who are not supportive!
Feel free to send me a direct message if you need more help!

[coolandcute]

You sound anxious.  Just try to calm down a bit and put things in perspective.  You're only 15.  How can you know nobody will like you romantically?  A lot of asexuals have relationships with some sort of physical intimacy.  I am 35 and still haven't met somebody suitable but I am not giving up!  

 

As for your appearance, I would say don't worry.  Some guys like curvy or big females.  Some people go for personality.  

[coolandcute]

Your life is just beginning!!!  Keep an eye open for possibilities instead of a mind closed to them.   Trust me.  Life usually gets easier.  

[TopHatCat]

:(((((((((( The only thing you ever have to do is love yourself, you should always be playing on your own team and over time your friends will join you.

 

AVEN doesn't want to label people for them, as a label is something that describes how a person feels, so only you can make that call. BUT it seems like you could be ace, from what I read. If you're not interested (or even disgusted) by the idea of sex with people, that's usually a textbook flag for asexuality.

 

Also, TO HELL with what your aunt and uncle said! WTF who TELLS people that?? If you're a good person then you are worth ANYONE'S time. And it's not as if your only options are asexuality or sexual promiscuity. Here are a few examples:

 

- Celibate, whether just for the heck of it or until marriage, etc.

- Asexual, but have sex anyway.

- Asexual AND celibate.

- NOT ace, but only have sex after being in a steady relationship for a significant amount of time.

- Being a slut and NOT getting pregnant.

- NOT being a slut, but wanting to be pregnant.

 

Also, yes, penises are gross.

[giorno]

i'd like to say. i was feeling the same at your age. i felt terrified of sex of anything sexual and i did still think about romantic type things. you're young yes but i feel that's not an excuse for people to say you'll change your mind etc. it's what you are feeling right now which is important.

people keep growing and evolving as you age. heck even people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and plus are still evolving and growing. you have your whole life ahead of you to figure out who you are and what you like/dislike. your preferences. your boundaries. you've got your whole life. take your time

 

if you feel terrified of being naked in front of someone. just don't. it's as simple as that. if someone tries to pressure you to do that, aka something you are not comfortable with then it's their issue - they are trying to force you to do something you don't want. it's the same with anything in your life, if you don't feel comfortable or okay with doing something don't do it

for me i /love/ labels at least on myself. it helps me get a grasp on who i am and what i am feeling. but for others they hate it. just so you know you don't have to figure out what you are exactly - you might hate sex, but love romance. so what! that's who you are. there are plenty of people who feel like that in the world. you are not doomed forever i can guarantee you

 

at your age i'd say focus on your friends and family and your studies maybe even work if you are starting that soon. anyone who's making you feel bad for what you are feeling really isn't worth the time.

[Demi-Gorgonzola]

Hey there

 

I am a large curvy 31 year old woman who met her boyfriend when I was 30. I had never been in a relationship before and I told him that, I had never been in love before and I told him that. I was so scared he would leave me when he learned that I had only had sex for the first time a year before I met him (I identify as demisexual not asexual which means you need a deep connection in order to develop sexual feelings).

 

He did not leave me. In fact that was the night he told me he loved me. 

 

You have every right to be scared and confused and ask questions but please don’t hate yourself or think that no-one will ever love you because they will. You are doing great as you are right now 

[everywhere and nowhere]

Ariam (btw: how was that purple-colored link to a person done? I've forgotten and it's unobvious...), I have very similar feelings. I'm scared of having sex. I'm unattractive. I literally feel like I would die if I tried to be examined by you know what kind of doctor. And, on top of that, I intensely don't want my feelings to change. Speaking in a very dry, almost ironic way about it: these are things I absolutely don't want to happen, so any thought of changing my mind and becoming OK with them feels terrifying. But I also feel like I need to continue speaking about such things in a passionate voice: this is about my right to my own thoughtfeeling! I haven't done anything wrong by experiencing like that, it's the society's fault when they present fear of sex as immature and forbidden to adults! I'm not doing anything wrong; if I accept and even cherish my thoughtfeelings, I have a right not to "do anything about them", to keep them intact and value them in spite of sociocultural humiliation of people who dare not be enthusiastic about sex.

Would I like to be in a relationship? Yes. (I prefer women, but the basic emotional drive if very similar.) But not at any price. I already say openly to myself that I'd rather stay alone forever that be in a relationship at the price of trying to force myself to have sex. I just don't let our imperfect sociocultural reality spoil my self-esteem. I am not wrong, I'm just using my right to personal experience. It is the culture, trying to shame us for our non-sex-enthusiastic feelings, which is wrong.

[TheAP]

Just now, Nowhere Girl said:

Ariam (btw: how was that purple-colored link to a person done? I've forgotten and it's unobvious...)

Type @ and then start typing in the name. When the name comes up in the list of suggestions, click it and it will come up in purple.

[Ariam]

Nowhere Girl, I feel the same way about the doctor thing

[Bronztrooper]

As has been said, you're still on the young side, but that doesn't mean that things have to change.  It is possible, but not guaranteed.  Not to mention that your perception of asexuality seems to be influenced by a lack of knowledge on the subject (as of your opening post, I mean).  I thoroughly enjoy cuddling and other forms of non-sexual intimacy and, as far as flirting goes, I'm pretty indifferent to it but my problem is that I'm terrible at picking up on it most of the time (which has more to do with me as a person than me as an asexual).  It's entirely possible that you're in the same boat as me when it comes to flirting, but don't take your high school experience as a sign of things to come.

 

High school is rough to begin with, and putting yourself down will only make things worse.  And honestly, if that profile pic is you, then I think that you look nice.  

 

As for my views on sex, while I'm ok with the idea of it, the idea of being involved in the act is... off-putting, shall we say?  I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of being naked in front of other people- even at the doctors (even guys have to be checked in that area from time to time) and I'm even not really ok with the idea of being shirtless in front of other people.  Though, the latter has more to do with me having to deal with people questioning my chest (I'm pigeon-chested) and I don't like people asking about it so I just wear a shirt as much as possible (even when swimming).

 

Anyway, my experience in high school was much less than ideal, but things have improved for me on all but a financial level since graduating.  And please don't try to change yourself to fit in- for your sake.  I didn't find out about asexuality until a year after I graduated and it's still taking time for me to break out of some of the attitudes and mindsets I acquired trying to fit in (being the quiet kid was bad enough and an instance in middle school where I was questioned repeatedly by some high schoolers about my experience with girls to the point where I became thoroughly uncomfortable with the situation made me think that I needed to pretend to be like the other guys in school to avoid giving another thing to be picked on about)- and a good portion of those mindsets and attitudes were of the unsavory kind.  And honestly, until I found out I was ace, I was pretty messed up and confused about myself even though I thought I was straight (had no idea there were differences between sexual, aesthetic, and romantic attraction at the time).  But then, I tried to deal with it by not thinking about it (yeah, I know, stupid), yet when those thoughts returned I'd be unsure of myself (which is really saying something because I'm not the kind of person to doubt myself).

 

Try to find people who like you for you and keep them close.  After that, hopefully everything else will fall into place.

[Ariam]

I go to online school also no one would flirt with me anyways....also yah being naked would suck