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Need advice overcoming repulsion for partner


Atelophi

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Hoping this isn't TMI but this is my last resort beyond seeking intensive therapy for my issue. 

 

I live with my partner and have been with them for 2yrs at this point.

I'm a sex and touch repulsed ace with Tokophobia - I hate most of it. Kisses, hugs, sensual touches, eye contact, and of course sex itself. I can 'let go' and be a little more touch receptive if I know it won't lead down 'that road'... such as in a public place. I've never felt a personal physical attraction to another person before, but I can find some people more 'pleasing to look at' on an artistic level than others, if that makes sense. 

My partner needs all of the above I cannot do.

 

At the start of our relationship I clarified I was ace and a virgin...at 26. That alone I felt should have been enough to clarify my stance on it.

I told him I had no interest in it and much to my surprise he said he'd never force me into anything I was uncomfortable with.

Months later I caved and 'let him' and I was an utter wreck the entire time. And many times after. In severe pain, feeling disgusted with myself, I figured that was normal for asexuals with my aversions, and I agreed to it now and then for his sake. 

 

Though the need for it increased over time, including normal intimacy - hugs, kisses, etc. I've noticed I've started to dread even coming home because I don't want to be touched - so my aversion is growing worse and worse and I need to resolve it or I am at risk of losing my relationship, as I can see it frustrating him. I'd be okay with him being 'with' someone else if he was 'safe', but I know he'd never go for that idea so I haven't brought it up. 

 

Please give me some kind of advice on how to overcome my tension of all of this, I'm at a loss for what to do. I know you can't choose to be sexual or not but I know some aces live perfectly normal lives in sexual relationships, how??

 

Please no 'LEAVE' posts, that's not an option. 

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

What you just said I share with you but I've never been in a physical relationship because I never want sex, I'm in my late 20s and only had a long distance relationship< he was talking about helping me flee my home tae be in Ireland as I told him what I've been through with an overly controlling former legal guardian the guardianship ended when I was 18 and she never stopped and continued to use me withhold my federal cards against me and only keep enough money in my account to keep it open as she made me sign up for SSI which I do not need. William knew I wanted away but I began drawing away from his sexual posts and he decided it's best we be friends. 

For you all I can say do what you're more comfortable in doing, we can't really help you over come your fear or repulsion, I'm repulsed myself by anything and everything sexual, if there is something you're more open to doing then try working on that for now to get used to it or not to be too afraid of doing.

Best of luck and message me if you have questions. ^_^ 

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My partner is sexual and I am gray-asexual. We have been together for almost 11years. I think you need to have a serious conversation about how you feel. He may think that since you engaged at some point, then you are fine with it now. You need to figure out how you feel about specific acts and let him know in a way that makes it not come across as you rejecting him, but as you learning what you like and don't like. I got to a point where I was actively avoiding my partner and we had to talk it out through a series of conversations, but we're able to reach a point where we are both on the same page. Honesty is important, but you need to consider his feelings in the way you explain it.

 

Best of luck.

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1 minute ago, Light18 said:

My partner is sexual and I am gray-asexual. We have been together for almost 11years. I think you need to have a serious conversation about how you feel. He may think that since you engaged at some point, then you are fine with it now. You need to figure out how you feel about specific acts and let him know in a way that makes it not come across as you rejecting him, but as you learning what you like and don't like. I got to a point where I was actively avoiding my partner and we had to talk it out through a series of conversations, but we're able to reach a point where we are both on the same page. Honesty is important, but you need to consider his feelings in the way you explain it.

 

Best of luck.

I never sought it out, though, during any 'engagment', I just kind of reluctantly agreed to it since he was constantly asking... I felt it was unfair to him to keep witholding.... now I'm regretting it, years later. 

 

Thanks for this advice though, it's reassuring to read that someone else did the same thing I'm doing but you're still with them and in a healthy relationship. 

 

 

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1 minute ago, Atelophi said:

I never sought it out, though, during any 'engagment', I just kind of reluctantly agreed to it since he was constantly asking... I felt it was unfair to him to keep witholding.... now I'm regretting it, years later. 

 

Thanks for this advice though, it's reassuring to read that someone else did the same thing I'm doing but you're still with them and in a healthy relationship. 

 

 

I fully understand. I never initiated either, but I realized it had become a huge issue because I felt awful afterwards every time. He felt bad that I felt bad and neither of us were happy. Now we're in a better place and I am feeling comfortable with somethings again. That's not to say you have to, but that's how it worked for us.

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39 minutes ago, Atelophi said:

I never sought it out, though, during any 'engagment', I just kind of reluctantly agreed to it since he was constantly asking... I felt it was unfair to him to keep witholding.... now I'm regretting it, years later. 

 

Thanks for this advice though, it's reassuring to read that someone else did the same thing I'm doing but you're still with them and in a healthy relationship. 

 

 

I'm not even asexual and I experienced something a lot like what you are with my sexual ex for 5 years in the past. I always found sex extremely painful, I didn't want, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter and started dreading being at home, having to go to bed, all sorts of stuff, because I knew almost anything I did would lead to him wanting sex. Nothing I did made it any easier for me and even though I was giving him sex every single day, he still ended up pissed off because he wanted me to WANT it, not just give it to him. I know you said you don't want any 'leave' posts, so I'm not saying you should leave if you don't think you can, but that's what I ended up doing. Things only got worse for both me and him, because I was in constant pain and just couldn't stand the idea of sex and he was miserable and angry because he wanted to be with someone who actually wanted sex. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do to make yourself less repulsed if you legitimately don't want the sex :/ it would be different if you really wanted the sex but your repulsion held you back from enjoying it, because then you could get therapy for the repulsion.. but not wanting sex (for an asexual) isn't something that can be cured or changed. Sorry, I know this isn't any help, but I can't see what advice anyone could give you in this situation because I just don't see what could be done to fix it. :c

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I had sexual partners (that is, partners who were sexual -- 2 of them) for years. Nothing made it any more enjoyable.  It was bearable and I wanted to please them and I didn't  know what sexuality was then, so I continued.  However, I now know that I've been asexual all my life, and my feeling really didn't change over that long period.  All I can see to the OP is that it just doesn't get any better, and trying to make it so while you have a partner who really wants sex often, and wants you to like it and respond, is not going to make it any less repulsive.   I believe you said that leaving is not an option, but perhaps being friends without expecting to be sexual partners is an option?  Hopefully so.  

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I had sex without wanting it for years and it made me touch repulsed because I dreaded the sex so bad. I would stay away from my partner if I could because I just couldn't take the idea of sex again. 

 

Since getting a partner that respects my boundaries and doesn't care about me not wanting sex, I've discovered lots of things I do like . The pressure being off has allowed me to enjoy sensual and sexual touch. 

 

So, if leaving isn't an option then you will probably need to talk to him about how you feel and try to find a way to relieve the pressure of it all for any chance of feeling more comfortable. As long as you are dreading touch because of sex it's just going to keep getting worse, most likely . 

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Eyy, I was in a very similar place as you at the age of 26 as well :Db I hadn't even kissed anyone, but a little while after agreeing to try out a relationship I relented and let some things happen to make my partner happy -- and we struggled with it for quite a while.

 

The only really marked difference I can see between you and me here is that while I've always been uncomfortable with touch that others would interpret as sexual, I never considered myself touch-averse because I tend to be quite naturally physically affectionate in terms of hugs and cuddles with my friends and family in a platonic/familial way - and though I definitely relate to having mild tokophobia, it doesn't really play that much into my issues because my relationship is same-sex.

 

Given that, I never got to the point that I would dread coming home because I didn't want to be touched... but I did have a lot of problems with the physically romantic/affectionate aspect of the relationship at first.. and it only got better after I really intensively talked to my partner about it and made my position clear. It took a while and there was a lot of sadness/denial/anger for a while, and I did get to the point where I was actually 100% ready to leave because as much as I loved her I couldn't tolerate it any more, but ultimately my partner understood and made a lot of effort in keeping me around and get me comfortable around her again. To get there, I actually had to write a letter (and she wrote a reply in return)-- which helped me get my points across in a way where I could really make my partner understand because I'm not that great at expressing myself verbally. The letter was mostly along the lines of "I love you but I find this REALLY hard" and she made a written commitment to understand and communicate with me...

 

When we both made the effort to understand what it means to each other, sexual/romantic touch has gotten a lot easier to deal with... She knows that it's something I need to sometimes put effort into to be receptive to, and we try to be verbally affectionate with saying silly loving things and in-jokes only the two of us understand when I'm not so touch-inclined - and she knows that these things are affectionate. We have also developed body language which, while not sexual or conventionally romantic, is seen between both of us as affectionate, like poking my partner's nose or cheek with a finger or squeezing her arm. There's also a total understanding between me and my partner that none of the cuddles/nuzzles/hand-holding/etc. is sexual or will lead to sex, even when the behaviour seems physically affectionate to others.

 

Sex is also something we've compromised a little on. It's never going to be something I'm 100% comfortable with, but I understand the emotional needs that are linked to it for her, and she understands my barriers and how these work to me as well... the understanding is what kind of makes me feel a lot better and a lot less pressuring when we ARE physically affectionate - I know I only have to think about sex when it's something we consciously decide to think about and when we agree that it's on the table. This is hard for some sexuals because it takes the spontaneity out, but it seems to be something we've been able to work with for now. 

 

Of course, everyone is different.. and sometimes it just doesn't work out. I guess the most important thing to do is just talk, really, and try to work together on something and make sure those communication channels are always open. Compromise is compromise for both people, you're never going to be 100% happy in this department and neither will he - I've made peace with that in my relationship as well, and what makes it work best is that we both make it obvious that we appreciate the effort that the other person is putting into it and I feel that makes the relationship worth it.

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Thanks for so many stories and suggestions.

 

 I think the letter idea might help the most since I can't communicate well verbally, I tend to shut down once I feel I'm "losing the argument " cuz I feel there's no point since my argument is then invalid.....

 

 I'll try that.  

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