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Risk my friendship or Keep on going on


Cat-a-tat-tat

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Cat-a-tat-tat

One of my longest friendships is with a young woman that is an open lesbian. We've known each other for quite a while and I never really thought of being romantically involved with her until recently. I like to talk and eat and spend time with her on a regular basis - more frequently than with my other friends. The recent closeness is in part due to proximity. She is in the dorm building across the road to me now and it has allowed our friendship to truly blossom. Which is great! I love every moment that I can spend with my friends and that is no different in this case. The issue is that I feel that I would like to spend more time with her and possibly cuddle... I don't know if I should risk out friendship by telling her. I'm not really out to anyone except my sister. I've mentioned to my family and friends that I have no interest in dating but they all seem to think that I'm just that focused on academics. Would she agree to just cuddling? I don't want to put us both in a position where we can't give each what they want... I would hate out friendship to be ruined because of wanting to be closer. It isn't as though it's an urgent need or anything. I currently have a cuddle buddy and they understand that although they may sit on my cold toes and I may be a hugger it is all completely platonic. So it's more that I see the potential for more cuddle  buddies, but don't know how to approach the situation. Any advice or personal experience others could offer is welcome!

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No personal experience here, but my advice: give it a try. If it's a true friendship, and she's not interested, she'll just say no and you keep being friends. Just be very clear about what you're interested in, and what you're not interested in.

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I can only tell from my limited experience in two cases.

 

The first is a women I had a long friendship with and we were climbing partners for some years. After getting out of contact due to me moving to opposite end of the country, we met again and I got a strong crush on her. I literally felt how not giving it a try was burning all my emotional and mental energy. So I decided to give it a try. I got rejected, which really hurt for some weeks. But after some months, we were able to re establish the friendship on a new ground.

 

The second one is a friend from university whom I know for ten years. We were good friends, but never had an extremely close friendship. The last years I've seen him only every couple of month and in between there is some sporadic contact. In February I realized I have a crush on him. But I didn't dare to mention it for some months, even when we met. In summer we had an evening with close cuddling which we enjoyed. All the time I wanted to kiss him but was to afraid to ask. Later I confessed to him on phone and he was open to it. But he is not very sexual, maybe even gray ace. We will meet again around Christmas. Also not telling him was slowly eating my energy and telling him did not change our friendship.

 

I believe I had some very low key crush on both for some time longer, which was more on a subconscious level.

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Cat-a-tat-tat
2 hours ago, Bloc said:

I can only tell from my limited experience in two cases.

 

The first is a women I had a long friendship with and we were climbing partners for some years. After getting out of contact due to me moving to opposite end of the country, we met again and I got a strong crush on her. I literally felt how not giving it a try was burning all my emotional and mental energy. So I decided to give it a try. I got rejected, which really hurt for some weeks. But after some months, we were able to re establish the friendship on a new ground.

 

The second one is a friend from university whom I know for ten years. We were good friends, but never had an extremely close friendship. The last years I've seen him only every couple of month and in between there is some sporadic contact. In February I realized I have a crush on him. But I didn't dare to mention it for some months, even when we met. In summer we had an evening with close cuddling which we enjoyed. All the time I wanted to kiss him but was to afraid to ask. Later I confessed to him on phone and he was open to it. But he is not very sexual, maybe even gray ace. We will meet again around Christmas. Also not telling him was slowly eating my energy and telling him did not change our friendship.

 

I believe I had some very low key crush on both for some time longer, which was more on a subconscious level.

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me. I appreciate seeing that two outcomes are definitely possible instead of assuming the only way this will turn out is in devastation.  I hope that you and your uni friend will continue to have a great relationship - friendship or more!

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7 hours ago, Cat-a-tat-tat said:

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me. I appreciate seeing that two outcomes are definitely possible instead of assuming the only way this will turn out is in devastation.  I hope that you and your uni friend will continue to have a great relationship - friendship or more!

With her I had no idea how she would react. I knew she liked me as friend. We had been on vacation together before. Only the two of us. With the rejection she affirmed she liked me as a friend and offered to keep distance if I want, which I needed for some months. With him I already knew that he is not heterosexual, so he would not be offended by getting proposed by a man to kiss him.

 

Both outcomes are possible. This could deepen your relationship with her or it could break apart. In my opinion if you have a deep and strong friendship and she is a gentle person, she will be respectful even when she rejects a romantic relationship. Which will allow you to continue the friendship, but be prepared that you will need some time where you keep distance, so the pain of the rejection can heal before you connect again. Then it is probably best to tell her and reassure her at the same time you value your friendship, but you need some time to process the rejection.

 

You know your friend, so you can maybe get a feeling how she might react. Maybe you are lucky and she feels the same as you, but did not have the courage to tell you.

 

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.

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