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vega57

Realistic or Unrealistic expectations?

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vega57

I just finished reading the thread "ASEXUAL HOUSEWIFE???" in the Questions about Asexuality forum here at AVEN.  Most of the responses leaned toward the OP finding an asexual partner.  Basically, find a partner who wants the same thing(s) out of life that *you* do.  Not bad advice, so it would seem

 

But it got me thinking...

 

So many people come on these forums with the same complaint.  Their partner started out having sex, and after some time, they *changed*...and no longer wanted sex. 

And then there are those 'out there' who may identify as asexual (even if they don't put  label on themselves), only to discover later in life that they really DO like sex (sometimes). 

 

Some (sexual) men and women may have an extreme aversion toward anal sex in their 20s and 30s.  Suddenly, his 40s, it's all he can think about.  He desperately wants to do this.  His partner, however, has not changed.  Or, what about the couple who enjoys a good sex life before having their third child, and after that, the ONLY way she can 'get off' is to have sex with her husband while she's watching porn?  Might be a huge turn-on for SOME men, but for others, they might see it as an annoyance because their wife isn't fully *present* during the act.  And, even if it's a turn-on for SOME men, do they really know for certain that their attitude wouldn't change over the course of time? 

 

The point is, that the only constant in life is CHANGE. 

 

Is it realistic to believe that if we find a partner who has sex with us every day for 2 years, that that frequency will NEVER change over the next 50+ years? 

Is it realistic to believe that if we identify as an asexual TODAY at 17 years old, that we'll continue to identify as the same when we're 27? 

 

Is it realistic to expect that our partner will never change?

Is it realistic to expect that *we* will never change?

 

I understand that there are SOME people who have remained the same throughout their lives.  But when it comes to sex--which is obviously often changeable--is it realistic to NOT expect the unexpected?  Why do we often pick life partners based on something that's subject to change?

 

 

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Amber79

That's life really. Time and experience (and hormones) all shift and change throughout our lives and the truth is we can only be true to ourselves in the moment. I've been ace all my life and I'm now edging towards my 40s, but I don't know what or who I'll be tomorrow. A lot of people get divorced because either one or both of them has grown or changed in significant ways and no longer fit in the relationship. But some people get divorced or end their relationships because they expect the other person to change and they don't. There are a lot of aces on here who have partners who expect them to start liking sex, and there are those who marry people who work in the fire service, police or medical professions knowing how intense the job is and then down the line decide to break it off because their partner is always at work. I guess the problem isn't change or the lack of it, but the expectations, and even hopes, we all have towards other people and their behaviour. Being aromantic I've not had this in relationships, but it happens in friendships too. Some people we know and are friends with for life, others come and go, sometimes without much thought, sometimes painfully.

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Deus Ex Infinity
1 hour ago, vega57 said:

I just finished reading the thread "ASEXUAL HOUSEWIFE???" in the Questions about Asexuality forum here at AVEN.  Most of the responses leaned toward the OP finding an asexual partner.  Basically, find a partner who wants the same thing(s) out of life that *you* do.  Not bad advice, so it would seem

 

But it got me thinking...

 

So many people come on these forums with the same complaint.  Their partner started out having sex, and after some time, they *changed*...and no longer wanted sex. 

And then there are those 'out there' who may identify as asexual (even if they don't put  label on themselves), only to discover later in life that they really DO like sex (sometimes). 

 

Some (sexual) men and women may have an extreme aversion toward anal sex in their 20s and 30s.  Suddenly, his 40s, it's all he can think about.  He desperately wants to do this.  His partner, however, has not changed.  Or, what about the couple who enjoys a good sex life before having their third child, and after that, the ONLY way she can 'get off' is to have sex with her husband while she's watching porn?  Might be a huge turn-on for SOME men, but for others, they might see it as an annoyance because their wife isn't fully *present* during the act.  And, even if it's a turn-on for SOME men, do they really know for certain that their attitude wouldn't change over the course of time? 

 

The point is, that the only constant in life is CHANGE. 

 

Is it realistic to believe that if we find a partner who has sex with us every day for 2 years, that that frequency will NEVER change over the next 50+ years? 

Is it realistic to believe that if we identify as an asexual TODAY at 17 years old, that we'll continue to identify as the same when we're 27? 

 

Is it realistic to expect that our partner will never change?

Is it realistic to expect that *we* will never change?

 

I understand that there are SOME people who have remained the same throughout their lives.  But when it comes to sex--which is obviously often changeable--is it realistic to NOT expect the unexpected?  Why do we often pick life partners based on something that's subject to change?

 

 

No it's not since EVERYTHING's gonna change someday, including ourselfs in many different ways yet unknown. That's life. We just don't know how or when it will happen. The main reason for feeling or becoming unhappy is that we want to believe that it will stay the same. Having said that, it also means that you can stay happy, just as long as you're willing to accept and go with the flow I guess. It depends on your personal perspective or expectations.

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G0D

You have noticed something that many of us have... But I think we are not allowed to discuss what asexuality is any more. But those who stay asexual all their lives seem to be a small minority. I really don't view asexuality as something that is a kin to another sexuality like homosexuality, it is not something that necessarily stays with you all through your life. 

 

As for finding an asexual partner.. Good luck with that one. I have been looking for more than a year using ace-book, and it has been a long trail of disaster. I am sure that some people find someone, but I have had next to no luck at all. Then again, I am a bit of an odd ball.

 

Good luck searching for answers!!

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vega57
45 minutes ago, Amber79 said:

I guess the problem isn't change or the lack of it, but the expectations, and even hopes, we all have towards other people and their behaviour.

Exactly. 

 

But are those expectations realistic in the first place?  Is it realistic to expect our partner NOT to change in an area (sex) that's so changeable? 

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Telecaster68

I don't think any sexual person expects their partner not to change. But they don't expect them to change from wanting to have sex sometimes to never wanting to have sex, and for it to happen after a couple of years, which is frequently the pattern (generally because the asexual limerance fades, or having sex becomes too much of an effort for them).

 

Kinsey stats illustrate the more usual type of change, as very broad averages. After the initial limerance fades, couples in the their twenties tend to have sex 3-4 times a week, 30s are 1-2 a week, 40s are 3-4 times a month, and generally there's some kind of sexual activity in to the 70s. The change is broadly partners keeping pace with each other. This is very different to one partner finding they can no longer have sex after a couple of years, and because it's not the norm, it's perfectly realistic not to expect it.

 

There's also the nature of what's changed. The norm is a change in libido, and for the vast majority of people, that translates to still wanting partnered sex, just less of it. When one partner uncovers their asexuality, they're saying they don't want partnered sex at all, ever, and have no desire for their partner, which is a very different thing for both people.

 

And whether we take 1% or 5% of people as being asexual, it's still not the norm, so it's not what can realistically be expected.

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MrDane
11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I don't think any sexual person expects their partner not to change. But they don't expect them to change from wanting to have sex sometimes to never wanting to have sex, and for it to happen after a couple of years, which is frequently the pattern (generally because the asexual limerance fades, or having sex becomes too much of an effort for them).

 

Kinsey stats illustrate the more usual type of change, as very broad averages. After the initial limerance fades, couples in the their twenties tend to have sex 3-4 times a week, 30s are 1-2 a week, 40s are 3-4 times a month, and generally there's some kind of sexual activity in to the 70s. The change is broadly keeping pace with each other. This is very different to one partner finding they can no longer have sex after a couple of years, and because it's not the norm, it's is perfectly realistic not to expect it.

 

There's also the nature of what's changed. The norm is a change in libido, and for the vast majority of people, that translates to still wanting partnered sex, just less of it. When one partner uncovers their asexuality, they're saying they don't want partnered sex at all, ever, and have no desire for their partner, which is a very different thing for both people.

 

And whether we take 1% or 5% of people as being asexual, it's still not the norm, so it's not what can realistically be expected.

...and as some asexuals find they have used years on compromising, it can also result in a sudden change. The change can be: “I thougth that I could learn to copewith it or even to like it, but it seems like I never did and now I know that I never will” 

this is a change with an ability to change the past as well, and thereby both the starting point as well as the direction.

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FictoVore.
1 hour ago, G0D said:

As for finding an asexual partner.. Good luck with that one.

I got an asexual boyfriend (who I was with for 18 months) within two weeks of joining AVEN even though I wasn't looking haha, so it's totally possible. I don't know about off AVEN, but I know quite a few people who have met asexual partners on AVEN and some even live together now even though they started long distance, one couple I know from chat here are actually about to move in together soon I think? And I know two couples who got married after meeting on AVEN so anyway what I'm saying is it's totally possible to meet an asexual partner HOWEVER I don't personally know any success stories from off AVEN. I was on ace-book for a few months before joining AVEN and didn't even make any friends, let alone romantic interests!

 

Regarding the topic at hand, I know my partner and I won't always want as much sex as we do now so my humble opinion is to just make the most of it while we can :D

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Telecaster68
9 minutes ago, MrDane said:

...and as some asexuals find they have used years on compromising, it can also result in a sudden change. The change can be: “I thougth that I could learn to copewith it or even to like it, but it seems like I never did and now I know that I never will” 

this is a change with an ability to change the past as well, and thereby both the starting point as well as the direction.

Yes, and that can work both ways as well. 

 

Many asexuals don't know about asexuality or take years to figure it out, and in the meantime, assume their disinclination for sex is down to stress, children, tiredness, illness, or something else, and sexual partners frequently go along with this, thinking that if/when that problem is resolved, they'll be back to having sex. In the meantime, they back off, which in turn can lead the asexual to think the lack of sex isn't that much of a problem, so when, eventually the sexual realises there will never be a resolution and makes clear this is a problem, it's a shock to the asexual. 

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MrDane
3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, and that can work both ways as well. 

 

Many asexuals don't know about asexuality or take years to figure it out, and in the meantime, assume their disinclination for sex is down to stress, children, tiredness, illness, or something else, and sexual partners frequently go along with this, thinking that if/when that problem is resolved, they'll be back to having sex. In the meantime, they back off, which in turn can lead the asexual to think the lack of sex isn't that much of a problem, so when, eventually the sexual realises there will never be a resolution and makes clear this is a problem, it's a shock to the asexual. 

...and in my experience, what I thougth were giving her time to cope with life and be ready for embracing her sexuality, turned out to be her realizing that not only had the flamed died out, there were no spark ever. I was patient and she was not that open about her feelings. I dont think she lied to me, but it is a thin line. If I said: oh, that was nice. She could respond with a: yes, that was nice (that it was nice for you, since it didnt give me more than a meh and a joy about bringing you joy) L ast part was never said out loud.

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Rhaenys

It's hard to plan for these things muchless to be sure if it's unrealistic or realistic part of the relationship experience is bonding with someone who is similar to you and wants the same things as you do in most cases.

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RoseGoesToYale

Pretty much everything about human relationships are subject to change, whether sexual, romantic, platonic, etc. Is it unrealistic to expect a relationship to remain the same way it is forever? Yeah, since humans do grow and change, interests crop up and fade, and bodies change, too. Even compromise isn't static. It's kind of like a collective bargaining agreement... every so often it needs to examined or rewritten to make sure the terms are still relevant and all parties are decently happy. Changing sexual/romantic/whatsuch needs don't necessarily spell doom for the relationship, the terms just need to be renegotiated, if at all possible.

 

(Granted, probably not with pen and paper... although maybe, whatever works well)

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vega57
7 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I got an asexual boyfriend (who I was with for 18 months) within two weeks of joining AVEN even though I wasn't looking haha, so it's totally possible. I don't know about off AVEN, but I know quite a few people who have met asexual partners on AVEN and some even live together now even though they started long distance, one couple I know from chat here are actually about to move in together soon I think? And I know two couples who got married after meeting on AVEN so anyway what I'm saying is it's totally possible to meet an asexual partner HOWEVER I don't personally know any success stories from off AVEN. I was on ace-book for a few months before joining AVEN and didn't even make any friends, let alone romantic interests!

 

Regarding the topic at hand, I know my partner and I won't always want as much sex as we do now so my humble opinion is to just make the most of it while we can :D

Ficto, Ficto, Ficto....

 

Even though I'm not into women....

 

...will you marry me???????  :lol:

 

(waits for Ficto to slap me upside the head...)

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vega57
7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, and that can work both ways as well. 

 

Many asexuals don't know about asexuality or take years to figure it out, and in the meantime, assume their disinclination for sex is down to stress, children, tiredness, illness, or something else, and sexual partners frequently go along with this, thinking that if/when that problem is resolved, they'll be back to having sex. In the meantime, they back off, which in turn can lead the asexual to think the lack of sex isn't that much of a problem, so when, eventually the sexual realises there will never be a resolution and makes clear this is a problem, it's a shock to the asexual. 

Yes, yes, you're right.  But I'm wondering IF this whole I-used-to-have-sex thing isn't influenced by "society", and that maybe the act of sex wasn't sort of..."artificial" in the first place.

 

In other words, if a woman can lose her sex "drive" after having children (for example), was it ever there to begin with AND/OR, why is it that we try to ARTIFICIALLY try to "get it back", if it's "natural" to lose it (or not have it) in the first place?

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MrDane
8 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

Pretty much everything about human relationships are subject to change, whether sexual, romantic, platonic, etc. Is it unrealistic to expect a relationship to remain the same way it is forever? Yeah, since humans do grow and change, interests crop up and fade, and bodies change, too. Even compromise isn't static. It's kind of like a collective bargaining agreement... every so often it needs to examined or rewritten to make sure the terms are still relevant and all parties are decently happy. Changing sexual/romantic/whatsuch needs don't necessarily spell doom for the relationship, the terms just need to be renegotiated, if at all possible.

 

(Granted, probably not with pen and paper... although maybe, whatever works well)

You have a good point. Keep renegotiating. But keep in mind that if too big things change too much, then the situation, that you bargain about is also new. (Deal breaker?)

 

Let me try with an example.

He is funny. A bit of a good hearted jokester who often tell small stories with a funny twist and who is good with word-games. She laughed and smiled. As the years go by, she is no longer surpriced by the twist and some of the stories are the same. Eventually she is not amused. Bored maybe? She also finds that a change in her humour has happened. Now she finds other things funny. And now she finds out that she actually never thougth he was funny. She just laughed in an attempt to please him or other things, but not out of purehearted amusement. Now she is better of with him not being funny. As ‘funny’ is a natural part of his way to communicate, he also has to change. Now they have agreed upon jokenigths. He has a couple of jokes that he can tell, but it is not ‘him’, it is a copy of a prefabricated joke. Joke nigths are okay, for both. She never pisses herself of mere amusement. And he does feel funny, but he has to hold back a lot.

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Telecaster68

Vega

 

If it wasn't there in the first place, the species would've died out. There are good reasons why many women go off sex when they have young children - most immediately, there are hormone shifts while breastfeeding, and looking after young children is exhausting. However it comes back, for most women, and in biological terms that makes sense too: if it was one kid and done, the population would (at best) halve each generation and rapidly die out. Pretty much all our bodily processes slow down as we age (metabolism, for example) so it's no surprise endocrine systems do too; the argument that menopause means there are older women who are available to look after other mother's children seems persuasive to me in anthropological terms too. It would help ensure survival of the species. 

 

All these reasons are based on how humans (and predecessor species) have lived for most of our history, as nomadic hunter gatherer tribes, and that would be where the traits became hardwired. To uphold your theory, we'd have to find a group of humans who, away from any possible external influences, saw sex as an inconvenience and only did it reluctantly, to breed. I don't believe that's happened. On the other hand, we have plenty of evidence that wanting partnered sex as an experience in itself is pretty much the norm for humans. 

 

You're also arguing (elsewhere) that sexuals are never satisfied with the amount of sex they're having and will have sex with anyone. This rather contradicts the idea that the entire human species has been conned into thinking thye like sex, don't you think? 

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Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, MrDane said:

You have a good point. Keep renegotiating. But keep in mind that if too big things change too much, then the situation, that you bargain about is also new. (Deal breaker?)

 

Let me try with an example.

He is funny. A bit of a good hearted jokester who often tell small stories with a funny twist and who is good with word-games. She laughed and smiled. As the years go by, she is no longer surpriced by the twist and some of the stories are the same. Eventually she is not amused. Bored maybe? She also finds that a change in her humour has happened. Now she finds other things funny. And now she finds out that she actually never thougth he was funny. She just laughed in an attempt to please him or other things, but not out of purehearted amusement. Now she is better of with him not being funny. As ‘funny’ is a natural part of his way to communicate, he also has to change. Now they have agreed upon jokenigths. He has a couple of jokes that he can tell, but it is not ‘him’, it is a copy of a prefabricated joke. Joke nigths are okay, for both. She never pisses herself of mere amusement. And he does feel funny, but he has to hold back a lot.

I had that exact analogy in mind too. 

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MrDane
5 hours ago, vega57 said:

Yes, yes, you're right.  But I'm wondering IF this whole I-used-to-have-sex thing isn't influenced by "society", and that maybe the act of sex wasn't sort of..."artificial" in the first place.

 

In other words, if a woman can lose her sex "drive" after having children (for example), was it ever there to begin with AND/OR, why is it that we try to ARTIFICIALLY try to "get it back", if it's "natural" to lose it (or not have it) in the first place?

Circumstances, like having children, can make anyone prioritize different. Hormones/libido can change, I believe. But what is hard to deal with in a relationship, are those things which seem very important to maintain for one person and  very important to keep away or on a minimum for the other person. It is a bit like the direction you move in, have changed. It changes the “we-want-this” to “I want something else”.

 

The trying to get it back, is because of the joy,calmness, happiness, togetherness it brings when it is there. I think society does put focus on sexuality, but I still think that it stems from the members of society that sees sexuality as something attractive and positive.

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vega57

 

7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Vega

 

If it wasn't there in the first place, the species would've died out. There are good reasons why many women go off sex when they have young children - most immediately, there are hormone shifts while breastfeeding, and looking after young children is exhausting. However it comes back, for most women, and in biological terms that makes sense too: if it was one kid and done, the population would (at best) halve each generation and rapidly die out. Pretty much all our bodily processes slow down as we age (metabolism, for example) so it's no surprise endocrine systems do too; the argument that menopause means there are older women who are available to look after other mother's children seems persuasive to me in anthropological terms too. It would help ensure survival of the species. 

No, the species would NOT have "died out".  Women were not exactly in a position to choose whether or not to get married and to whom.  After all, a woman was first considered to be the property of her father, who transferred 'ownership' to a man that HE chose to be her husband. She was to OBEY him.   Men were allowed to divorce, especially if she didn't produce children, let alone male children.  She, however, wasn't allowed to divorce her husband.  Men were also allowed to have more than one wife, whereas, women weren't allowed to have more than one husband.  If she did, or even tried, the punishment was death to her. 

 

Women were taught that their 'role' in society was to spit out kids like a gumball machine.  They received that message from their brothers, father's, mother's and even the church.  Do you think that anyone ASKED the women if it was something that they actually WANTED to do?  Do you think that anyone actually said to women, "Hey!  If you don't like sex, you don't HAVE to have it, even if you're married!"  She wasn't exactly in a position to say 'no' to sex if she didn't want it. 

 

Quote

To uphold your theory, we'd have to find a group of humans who, away from any possible external influences, saw sex as an inconvenience and only did it reluctantly, to breed. I don't believe that's happened. On the other hand, we have plenty of evidence that wanting partnered sex as an experience in itself is pretty much the norm for humans. 

We have plenty of evidence that many people HAVE partnered sex.  But where's the evidence to prove that of those who HAVE it actually WANT it?  It seems that your argument is that if people DO it they must WANT to do it.  And nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Quote

You're also arguing (elsewhere) that sexuals are never satisfied with the amount of sex they're having and will have sex with anyone. This rather contradicts the idea that the entire human species has been conned into thinking thye like sex, don't you think? 

*sigh*  You know, Tele...I really, REALLY wish that you would STOP putting words in my mouth...misquoting me...misstating me, and the like.  I never ONCE wrote or said what you've quoted here. 

 

And no...I don't believe that people have been "conned" into thinking that they like sex.  People have sex for a multitude of different reasons OTHER THAN the idea that sex is simply a "pleasurable" act. 

 

I just don't believe that EVERYONE who has sex has it for THAT reason.  That is, that they'd actually WANT it, IF it meant that if they DIDN'T want it, it would cost them an entire relationship. 

 

K? 

 

Not saying it's EVERYONE who has sex.  Just that there are probably more people out there who do it for reasons OTHER THAN that they actually want it for 'pleasure'. 

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Telecaster68

@Vega57

Me:

Quote

You're also arguing (elsewhere) that sexuals are never satisfied with the amount of sex they're having and will have sex with anyone. This rather contradicts the idea that the entire human species has been conned into thinking thye like sex, don't you think? 

You

Quote

*sigh*  You know, Tele...I really, REALLY wish that you would STOP putting words in my mouth...misquoting me...misstating me, and the like.  I never ONCE wrote or said what you've quoted here. 

Here's some of your quotes:

Quote

I don't believe that humans have a 'natural' need to have sex, nor do I believe that sex is a 'need'.

Quote

I don't accept that sex is 'innate' or 'instinctive'.

Quote

I'm wondering IF this whole I-used-to-have-sex thing isn't influenced by "society", and that maybe the act of sex wasn't sort of..."artificial" in the first place.

Quote

Seems to be that for many sexuals, it's NEVER "enough".  Even if they're "satisfied", many of them can always do MORE. 

Quote

if your partner was no longer getting the 'gratification' from you, He/she would probably leave....and find someone else to get the physical gratification from

Quote

They do it because they want sex PERIOD.  In another survey, over 60% of the men who had affairs reported that they were "happy" with their sex lives with their wives.  They simply wanted more sex and 'variety'. 

Quote

Sexuals are very sex-centered.  They put sex at the center of their relationships.  They could be with the greatest partner in the world in every way except sex...and they'll DUMP that partner because of the lack of sex...or...cheat.

In aggregate - anyone who wants sex in a relationship has picked this up from society, because no-one just innately likes sex, and is now so consumed with their delusion that they'll dump anyone who won't have sex with them incessantly.

---

You're predicating the whole thing on it always being women who've been having sex when they didn't want it. How do males who don't want sex fit into this?

Quote

No, the species would NOT have "died out". 

If no one really wanted sex, no one would have it. And the species would die out.

Quote

where's the evidence to prove that of those who HAVE it actually WANT it?

If no one wanted it, no one would have it. It just wouldn't come up as a thing. It would be like our innate urge to suck stones - we don't have one, so nobody does it. At least some people must want it. Your assumption seems to be that most women don't. My experience is that most women do, and many women who lose their libido want to get it back.

Quote

It seems that your argument is that if people DO it they must WANT to do it.  And nothing could be further from the truth.

Citation needed.

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nothinbuttrouble
On 12/2/2017 at 11:51 AM, vega57 said:

I understand that there are SOME people who have remained the same throughout their lives.  But when it comes to sex--which is obviously often changeable--is it realistic to NOT expect the unexpected?  Why do we often pick life partners based on something that's subject to change?

I have thought this way my whole life. That is why I expected, eventually, I would change and stop feeling so detached about sex. It's been a long time and to this day I have trouble accepting that I'm probably permanently like this. I always hold a tiny bit back, just in case I missed something. I often feel trapped once I've figured something out. But at this point, I suspect I'm just trying to insulate myself from feeling a little less human than others because I lack the feelings that are clearly considered a cornerstone of humanity. No, I have to face it. I'm a goddamned asexual.

 

I know that doesn't necessarily mean I'll never have sex again. Sex has been relatively easy for me to do throughout my life and though the requirements for what would make it worthwhile to engage in again have risen to an "I can't think of any likely real life scenario" level, there's always the possibility of some reason I haven't thought of arising. But I would be lying to myself if I think I can expect to ever feel differently about it, to experience it the way allos do. I will probably always experience it in the detached, mechanical way I always have.

 

As for how people pick their life partners- I've been laughing at them since I was born. I knew even as a child that most of them were picking each other for sexual reasons and that was going to blow up in their faces. This much was obvious from the observation of others marriages. Yet the cycle continues.

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vega57
2 minutes ago, nothinbuttrouble said:

As for how people pick their life partners- I've been laughing at them since I was born. I knew even as a child that most of them were picking each other for sexual reasons and that was going to blow up in their faces. This much was obvious from the observation of others marriages. Yet the cycle continues.

Perfect.  :)

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Telecaster68

The big hole in your 'people change' longeur, Vega, is that you haven't.

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vega57
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

The big hole in your 'people change' longeur, Vega, is that you haven't.

Actually, I have changed.  I went from someone who had sex, not really WANTING to have sex to someone who doesn't have sex because I don't want to have sex. 

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Telecaster68

You haven't changed about wanting sex though, which is the exact think you're saying is changeable.

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vega57
15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You haven't changed about wanting sex though, which is the exact think you're saying is changeable.

Did I NOT say this in my first post on this thread?

 

On ‎12‎/‎2‎/‎2017 at 8:51 AM, vega57 said:

I understand that there are SOME people who have remained the same throughout their lives. 

 

 

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Starlit Sky

I feel like a "problem" with members of AVEN is that a few tend to believe that if at least one person in a mixed relationship between a sexual and an asexual is unhappy, then they should break up with them, no questions asked. It's unrealistic, it shows an ignorance of the in's and out's of a relationship, and at times it's even just cold. This problem IS NOT about how the members recognize in most cases a sexual is going to be more compatible sexually with another sexual--after all, to deny that would be faulty. Rather, I think the problem is that there are members who seem to think that if that one thing doesn't work out, then the whole thing should come tumbling down. That's not the case at all.

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Telecaster68

And your next sentence was:

 

Quote

But when it comes to sex--which is obviously often changeable--is it realistic to NOT expect the unexpected? 

So by your logic, it would be completely realistic for your husband to have expected you to change and become highly sexual after a couple of years, and get increasingly so as time went on.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

I feel like a "problem" with members of AVEN is that a few tend to believe that if at least one person in a mixed relationship between a sexual and an asexual is unhappy, then they should break up with them, no questions asked. It's unrealistic, it shows an ignorance of the in's and out's of a relationship, and at times it's even just cold. This problem IS NOT about how the members recognize in most cases a sexual is going to be more compatible sexually with another sexual--after all, to deny that would be faulty. Rather, I think the problem is that there are members who seem to think that if that one thing doesn't work out, then the whole thing should come tumbling down. That's not the case at all.

And generally the pattern is that the sexual wants to find a way to make things work, while the asexual is saying 'nope, this is my position. Nobody's keeping you'. In other words, they're the ones making their sexual requirements (ie none) the dealbreaker. The sexual has generally already hugely scaled down what they expect, and are frequently willing to settle for even less.

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vega57
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And your next sentence was:

 

So by your logic, it would be completely realistic for your husband to have expected you to change and become highly sexual after a couple of years, and get increasingly so as time went on.

No, Tele.  There shouldn't be an expectation either way.  No expectation of change and no expectation of something that's constant, at least when it comes to sex. 

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