Asexuality? Or not?

[panda_army]

So hello there!

I am new here - I came for an advice.

So...I have never had an official relationship. I am a girl, 16 years old. About my "love" life: When I was on elementary school, there were boys around me, saying those kid's romantic stuff and I have never answered anything. I have had a few crushes but it every single time started someone else (when my friend told me she had a crush, I felt I should have too etc.).

Then I was older a little bit. I met an older boy (I was 13 y.o. I guess and he is 6 years older). At that time I was talking with my friends (girls) about ideal man and romantic proposals. But the boy was critisising romantic things. I admired him a lot. I don't know when I started to have crush on him.

We are still friends with this boy and we switched the roles. He is a romantic person now and I feel I am not. Even so I still have this crush on him.

 

But since we are friends, there were some other boys. One of them invited me for a walk and we were talking with each other for a few hours. But I didn't feel anything, it felt like talking to a friend for me. He, on the other hand, thought it was a date and was inviting me for another dates. As we weren't close, I kept rejecting him and so he surrended. But I made him mad and he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore.

Then there was another boy - my classmate. I knew he liked me from the beginning. We were hanging out few times and I started to act differently. I just thought I could turn this into relationship and fall in love later. So we were hanging out a lot and I enjoyed it, it was fun actually. But he tried to hug me every single time we were going home. I didn't say him I was uncomfortable with that, I thought it'd be alright.

Then we were on another date with this boy and he started to touching me and looking in a weard way. He didn't meant it sexually, I think he tried to be romantic. I wasn't comfortable so I tried to get us to the mall so we wouldn't be alone so nothing can happen. But he was "acting cute" and trying to hold me on that place etc. There was no way I could walk away so I made a story that I will have my training soon so I must go home. He kept persuading me I should stay. But we went to the bus and on our way there, he started to touch my shoulders, my waist and hand. Every time he did that, I did something to get away from the "position". But he was doing it again and again. I was not able to tell him I was uncomfortable. Then he whispered to my ear that he likes me and there was no answer for him. He kissed me on the cheek and we separated. Then I was ignoring him in school and he get what was going on. I know I was acting like a bitch but there was no way out of this for me. I know I have hurted his feellings a lot because he wanted an explanation from me every time he was drunken.

 

This happended half a year ago. And I kept rejecting all the guys since the last guy. And I had crush on the first older guy from the time we met.

But now it does look like the older guy is having crush on me too and I really like him. We started to text in a different way, more sweet. It's all cute and he's doing stuffs like: "There is a Christmas event and I have nobody to go with". But I am not responding, it feels awkward for me to say: "Ok, let's go together. Anyway I planned to go by bus hour and half to go there." (We don't live in the same city so I have no reason to go to his events and it would sound bad.

And for some reason I feel the same thing would happen to us when he will try to do romantic things or just hugged me. I feel I will ruin our BF relationship only because I don't know what I actually want. Sometimes I do imagine us as a couple but when it does look more real, I feel anxious. I feel I was more comfortable when I was "friendzoned". I was not sad at all when he didn't seem to want a relationship with me.

 

Is there a word for my sexuality? I am okay with touching people when they do not mean it in romantic ways. I would be even more okay with a stranger touching my butt than touching my hand in a romantic way. Or do you think I should start telling people about how I feel? Even though I am not sure what my sexuality is?

[danvers]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Romantic and sexual attraction are different, so wanting a romantic relationship doesn't necessarily say anything about whether you're asexual. You've had crushes, but have you ever experienced sexual attraction (wanting to have sex with someone)? When you imagine you and your crush as a couple, do you imagine doing anything sexual, or is it more a matter of going on dates? If you haven't experienced sexual attraction, you could be ace.

 

Also, I know there are some people who experience romantic/sexual attraction but don't want their feelings reciprocated. I don't know very much about it, and I'm blanking on the word, but it might be worth looking into if you're wondering about your romantic orientation as well. I'm sure there are other people on AVEN who can answer questions about that.

 

I hope this helps. Sexuality is complicated and confusing, but at the end of the day, the important thing is that you identify as what makes you happy. 

[Space-Ace-Android]

Hello and welcome!

 

If you have not experienced sexual attraction, then you are most likely ace, however it is most important to identify as whatever feels best for you, or to not identify as anything at all if that feels appropriate :3

 

For your relationship experiences I would suggest saying that you are uncomfortable with romantic contact but would wish to continue spending time with him- do whatever you feel is best!

 

 

CAKE YEAH!

[panda_army]

Thank you both for your answers.

1 hour ago, Linh Cinder said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Romantic and sexual attraction are different, so wanting a romantic relationship doesn't necessarily say anything about whether you're asexual. You've had crushes, but have you ever experienced sexual attraction (wanting to have sex with someone)? When you imagine you and your crush as a couple, do you imagine doing anything sexual, or is it more a matter of going on dates? If you haven't experienced sexual attraction, you could be ace.

 

Also, I know there are some people who experience romantic/sexual attraction but don't want their feelings reciprocated. I don't know very much about it, and I'm blanking on the word, but it might be worth looking into if you're wondering about your romantic orientation as well. I'm sure there are other people on AVEN who can answer questions about that.

 

I hope this helps. Sexuality is complicated and confusing, but at the end of the day, the important thing is that you identify as what makes you happy. 

But about sexual attraction. Yes, I've been already. That's why I can't figure out what's "different". Because I can imagine both and am attracted in both ways but when it comes to "action" I am uncomfortable even with hugging when the second person does mean it in a different way then just friendly.

I have been thinking about going for some kind of relationship with the "crush" but as I said, we are best friends and that's why I don't want to try it if I really am asexual. It would destroy everything and I would hurt him sooo much.

I would love to have a way to just know if I am asexual or not.