Relationship with Sexual who hopes Ill change

[mjaumjaumjau]

I’m in a long distance relationship with someone who is sexual.

I don’t know if I’m asexual or on the spectrum.

But I have wondered for some time.. but it’s especially hard to tell right now due to the antidepressants I’ve been taking for some years which have put my sex drive at an all time low.

I’m pretty scared of our future. He finds sex to be crucial for a relationship while I’m unsure of what I’ll be willing to do in the future.. He is not open to an open relationship. And he gets very stingy and seem hurt when I bring these things up.
 

He have given me oral sex which I thought he really wanted to and I thought hey maybe it could work despite my meds, but now when we’ve talked about it he says he regrets doing it because I have said that I might not be able to do the same for him. He don’t believe that I could be asexual and he thinks I’m “just” traumatized and that I’ll be more open in the future. He have said that if I don’t get more open then we will work it out somehow. I’m glad that he’s open about it but it stresses me that he seems to not want to believe how I am (or might be) and want to keep on hoping that I’ll change.
 

I have already told him some sexual things Im willing to do and some that Im not willing to do. But it doesn’t seem like enough for him.. Before we started dating I thought that he wasn’t very sexual because he said he won’t initiate anything sexual and that he might not want to have sex (ever) either. But that seem to have changed.

I did see us being together for the long term but now I don’t know. I feel cold in my body thinking about not having him around but I also feel trapped pursuing a relation where he is hoping that I’ll change something that I can’t even control myself (my sexuality or sex drive). He says that he’s okay with hoping and that’s how he wanna do this.

I feel a bit pressured from all this and I understand that it’s hard to let go of something or someone special. Heck, I haven’t been this close, emotionally, to anyone before.

Thoughts are appreciated

[Homer]

Honestly? Run.

 

This isn't going to work. It seems like he's not listening, let alone believing your words. Hope for change is not a steady ground to base any relationship on. How long is he going to wait for you to "change"? The longer this goes on, the more it will hurt.

[Dj91]

I agree with @Homer to me it seems like they have already gotten frustrated with you and that usually gets worse over time. If you have laid out what you are comfortable with doing and he isn't accepting that then there is a problem.

 

You might enjoy his company and feel cold when he's not around but it might be a case of hurting yourself now to prevent you from being hurt worse in the future. 

[KikiroQ9]

I had the almost exact same experience less than an year ago!! Of course the relationship didn't work out. The guy kept trying to "fix" me though I made clear I didn't want sex. I can tell you that relationship will never last. Especially if you start to feel afraid to be close to that person even if you love them. It will definitely hurt if this relationship continues. I know because I've been through one.

[Confused.Kitten]

2 hours ago, mjaumjaumjau said:

He have given me oral sex which I thought he really wanted to and I thought hey maybe it could work despite my meds, but now when we’ve talked about it he says he regrets doing it because I have said that I might not be able to do the same for him.

Not gonna lie. This kinda happened to me. My boyfriend gave me oral and in that day I couldn't give it back... He felt used, frustrated and argh ... He got so pissed and hurted since it was something he thought I would do (I gave him hints, and I shouldn't have). After a long talk I decided I had to give it back... If I was ready? Not really, but I dont regret it. For him it was worth it. He supported my (a)sexuality, he went slow and held my dysphoria . He was the one who told me there wasn't anything wrong and that's okay to be like me. 

 

My advice to you is to go easy on you and just be sure what's worth it or not... be loyal to yourself and fight back. Make him understand you have a different pace .

Good luck

[MrDane]

3 hours ago, mjaumjaumjau said:

I’m in a long distance relationship with someone who is sexual.

I don’t know if I’m asexual or on the spectrum.

But I have wondered for some time.. but it’s especially hard to tell right now due to the antidepressants I’ve been taking for some years which have put my sex drive at an all time low.

I’m pretty scared of our future. He finds sex to be crucial for a relationship while I’m unsure of what I’ll be willing to do in the future.. He is not open to an open relationship. And he gets very stingy and seem hurt when I bring these things up.
 

He have given me oral sex which I thought he really wanted to and I thought hey maybe it could work despite my meds, but now when we’ve talked about it he says he regrets doing it because I have said that I might not be able to do the same for him. He don’t believe that I could be asexual and he thinks I’m “just” traumatized and that I’ll be more open in the future. He have said that if I don’t get more open then we will work it out somehow. I’m glad that he’s open about it but it stresses me that he seems to not want to believe how I am (or might be) and want to keep on hoping that I’ll change.
 

I have already told him some sexual things Im willing to do and some that Im not willing to do. But it doesn’t seem like enough for him.. Before we started dating I thought that he wasn’t very sexual because he said he won’t initiate anything sexual and that he might not want to have sex (ever) either. But that seem to have changed.

I did see us being together for the long term but now I don’t know. I feel cold in my body thinking about not having him around but I also feel trapped pursuing a relation where he is hoping that I’ll change something that I can’t even control myself (my sexuality or sex drive). He says that he’s okay with hoping and that’s how he wanna do this.

I feel a bit pressured from all this and I understand that it’s hard to let go of something or someone special. Heck, I haven’t been this close, emotionally, to anyone before.

Thoughts are appreciated

If you really like and respect each other on other levels, then perhaps try to seek a way to remove the stress/pressure. Not easy though. Believe me, I know! Any sign of affection from me is quickly misinterpreted as an attempt to move to second, third (fourth base?) if she said lets move on up a sexual level, then I would be more than ready to do that. But in respect to our plan, I would only initiate according to the scheduled plan and always be okay with a “wait a moment”. 

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

4 hours ago, Homer said:

Honestly? Run.

 

This isn't going to work. It seems like he's not listening, let alone believing your words. Hope for change is not a steady ground to base any relationship on. How long is he going to wait for you to "change"? The longer this goes on, the more it will hurt.

I agree with this. Relationships that start or are based on the "I hope he/she will change" are just quick recipes for diasater.

[Hermit Advocate]

I have to agree with everyone else. This relationship does not seem healthy or look good for the long term.

[utca]

If he's only staying in the hopes that you'll dramatically change your personality, this is a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that he gets angry that you haven't changed yet is a major red flag. Run far, far away.

[Rhaenys]

It seems as if you're not sure about yourself and what you are. It seems like you'll need time to sort that out and this situation is putting pressure on you at a time where you don't seem ready.

 

Anyone wanting someone to change to meet their needs especially something the other partner isn't ready to give is quite a red flag imo.  A key thing here is that he doesn't believe you.