Sex without sexual attraction

[HazelArcher]

When I met my partner I was out as asexual and actually met him at an asexual meeting. We are now in a relationship but my asexuality is being to bother him. Early on in our relationship I told him I was not sexually attracted to him (probably should not have said this so directly in hind sight) and because he knew I was asexual I thought he would have already know this. However, it appears to have not been the case and it really hurt him. But what was I supposed to do, it is just who I am and I cannot help it. 

 

We have done sexual things in the past and I even though asexual enjoy doing them with him because I like being close to him and making him feel nice, I feel nice, and various other reasons, but the fact I am not sexually attracted to him confuses him because I do these things. It is stopping him from engaging in future activity with me because he believes it does not make sense and he does not want to make me do anything. I understand this, but I do want to be with him in a sexual manner because I like to feel close to him and am attracted to him as a person, but still do not feel the sexual attraction. 

 

How do I explain with to him because when I tried he still didn't get it? Has anyone else had these experiences and what do you do? How do I explain with in a way that will not distress him further? Do you have any advice?

 

Please Help Me!!!!!!

[Starlit Sky]

Well, not experiencing sexual attraction does not alone make a person asexual. Desire of sex, for one reason or another, probably holds more weight. I'm sure plenty of others are going to come on and preach about the same sort of thing. I don't experience sexual attraction. I have never, ever looked at anyone and thought about what it'd be like to have sex with them, regardless of whether or not I was close to them or we were total strangers. Even my boyfriend, whom I love dearly, is not "sexually" attractive to me (though I definitely do think he's attractive!).

 

But that doesn't make me asexual. My sexuality is triggered with response, where if we're fooling around there are times when I'm like, you know, I think I could like sex now. And it's because it feels good, and I want to be closer to him, and I know he would love it, and so on and so forth. All of that is what ultimately makes me allosexual, I believe.

 

I want to be clear here: I'm not telling you that you are allo / you're not ace. I am, however, trying to help you see a wider viewpoint.

 

Ultimately though, the best (and probably only) advice I have for you is to reaffirm your attraction to him over and over again (aesthetic, I'm assuming, unless you don't experience that towards him).  Hopefully that will eventually help him to understand that you want to share that with him!

[Homer]

2 hours ago, HazelArcher said:

I understand this, but I do want to be with him in a sexual manner because I like to feel close to him and am attracted to him as a person, but still do not feel the sexual attraction.

What do you mean by "sexual attraction"?

[Pramana]

There is qualitative and quantitative psychology/sociology research that talks about asexuals who enjoy sex with their partners, either because they enjoy the physical sensations or because they enjoy making their partner happy. Sexual attraction concerns the capacity to develop sexual feelings for people, based on characteristics of those people (with sex/gender usually being the relevant one for sexual orientation) that one finds arousing/desirable. The logic of sexual orientation is the idea that one's sexual desires are oriented towards other people, so logically if you don't have sexual desires for other people, then you'd lack another sexual orientation and so you'd be asexual. Thus, at least by following common philosophical and psychological interpretations of the concept, it is valid to identify as asexual even if you desire partnered sex. By analogy, some sexual people might enjoy sex with people outside their orientation, so logically if sexual people can enjoy sex with people outside their orientation then potentially some asexual people might as well.

Now something to consider is that in the asexual community, I think the practice of dividing between sexual and romantic and other forms of attraction can sometimes be misleading, as often people experience these forms of attraction as intermixed, and romantic attraction may develop first and be a cause of sexual attraction. But it's also possible that someone might enjoy sex for the physical sensations and emotional closeness in the context of a relationship where they experience romantic and other forms of interpersonal attraction but where they don't experience sexual attraction. Now I can see why some people in that situation might feel that another orientation like heterosexuality better describes their overall experience. On the other hand, lacking sexual attraction may still have a significant affect on one's sexual experience, and so I can also see why someone might want to identify as asexual in that scenario. This is all to say that sexual orientations are centred on people's self-assessment of their sexual feelings, so if you feel that asexuality best describes you, then by all means use the label.

In any case, my suggestion would be to explain to your partner what you like about sex, and what types of sexual interactions you would like to have. There is a distinction between sexual orientations and reasons for desiring sex, so perhaps it would be helpful to focus on those reasons which matter to you.

[HazelArcher]

Thank you very much guys. This helps but all of this is quiet confusing and I kind of understand where my partner is coming from. I did not realise how confusing it sounded. Sexuality or the lack of is a confusing thing, but I think I will be able to aproach my partner a bit better now.

 

Thank you

 

[Star Bit]

No, you were right to have put it that way; he needed it and didn't seem to know what asexuality was (some people lie about that or are misinformed so we have to put it explicitly). His same reaction would've only happened later, if not worse the longer the deceit/relationship went on. Asexuality is a breaking point for most sexual people and only a minority of sexuals are compatible. It's a must-have to address these kind of major issues at the start of a relationship, not later once investments have been made. It confuses many sexual people when they hear their sexually active partner never desired it and was just sexually compromising all along. You just gotta put it more explicitly; "I have sex to make you happy, and I can enjoy the sensation of orgasm, but none of those kudos make me want sex with anyone." Sometimes they finally get it if you just tell them to think of you as gay (if you're with someone of the opposite gender).

 

Wait, are you saying you WANT sex with him for sexual or emotional pleasure? According to AVEN itself (the FAQ's definition of sexual attraction) that's not asexual. Sexual people desire sex for many many reasons. According to sexologist studies, most women never, if rarely ever, feel sexual attraction (SA) in terms of looking at someone and having the desire for sex evoked (which is called spontaneous sexual desire); that's primarily a male experience. Most women need sexual arousal or foreplay to trigger their desire for sex every time (which is called responsive sexual desire). It's also common for women to desire sex for the emotional bond it creates.

[Guest]

On 12/2/2017 at 8:42 AM, HazelArcher said:

I understand this, but I do want to be with him in a sexual manner because I like to feel close to him and am attracted to him as a person, but still do not feel the sexual attraction. 

 

How do I explain with to him because when I tried he still didn't get it? Has anyone else had these experiences and what do you do? How do I explain with in a way that will not distress him further? Do you have any advice?

 

Please Help Me!!!!!!

I'm interested to know how you're defining sexual attraction here. Do you mean you don't get horny when you look at him.?Because that's relatively common, especially among many women (not all, but many).  That doesn't mean we don't love our partner and desire and enjoy sexual intimacy with them though and it's still totally normal to be that way.

 

Sexual attraction can mean all sorts of things to different people and to most people (if they don't think about it too hard) it translates roughly to 'yes, I desire sexual intimacy with you'. Some might define it differently based on their personal experience (some may say ''I see a hot chick I want to fuck her'' but that's actually only one experience of sexual attraction that SOME people get) but no matter how you're defining it, people still accept that 'I desire sexual intimacy with you' is really all that matters, regardless of your reasons WHY you desire that sexual intimacy. Maybe you love that person and enjoy sex as an intimate activity, maybe you just love sex and engage in it with that person because they're your partner, maybe you get horny every time you look at them and this is what your entire relationship is based around (some people do base their relationships on that but, ahem.. they don't usually last very long lol), maybe it's a mixture of all these things! Totally depends on the individual.

 

But what you should say to him is that you were just confused about what sexual attraction means and realize now that because it's HIM you desire and enjoy sex with, you're obviously having a very normal sexual experience and you must be feeling some form of sexual attraction.. or else you wouldn't want sex with him!!  (you could also show him my post if you want!! I'm a sexual female who experienced functional-asexuality for over a decade so I know what it feels like on both sides of the fence!) 

[HazelArcher]

Thank you FictoVore that really helped. I think when you put it like that I might experience some sexual attraction. I will have a think and talk to him and do as you suggest and show this post. Thank you