Asexual Dating Sexual

[NotPhoebe]

Hi there folks.

 

I'm sorry I don't know why I started this topic with that. Lately, I've noticed I've been running into a jam in terms of relationships. And by lately I mean my entire life, but especially recently. For the past few months I have been talking to someone who I felt I had a good connection with, but I find that the more I talk to this person the more platonic I feel towards them. This seems to happen to me with every relationship I've gotten myself into. With relationship I mean mostly "talking" and flirting and expressing actual interest for the other person. Very few times has it gotten physically  intimate and when it has I soon would end the relationship out of my discomfort. I notice that no matter the person, the feelings I originally think I feel (infatuation, crushes) start to fade and I feel less and less emotionally invested. I wonder in part if it's because I'm getting myself involved with sexual people and the idea of the relationship expanding into something sexual is what turns me off to the idea of a relationship. I also wonder if I'm maybe a-romantic but just avoiding this about myself. I hope to ideally one day be able to have a partner, but I enjoy more platonic forms of a relationship, though I still want someone to share and have a strong connection with. Even though I am more comfortable now telling people I am not sexual, and potential partners at first say it's ok I suspect they think I'll eventually change because they still attempt intimacy at some point, which I guess is what's natural to them but goes against what I want for a relationship and for myself. Rather than hoping I find someone I feel a sexual attraction to, I hope to find someone who is fine with me not wanting sex or too much lovey dovey romance but I worry this just won't happen 

 

I'm curious if any of my fellow ace peers are experiencing the same complications in there relationships? If so how are you dealing with these things about yourself?

[Starlit Sky]

2 hours ago, NotPhoebe said:

For the past few months I have been talking to someone who I felt I had a good connection with, but I find that the more I talk to this person the more platonic I feel towards them. This seems to happen to me with every relationship I've gotten myself into. With relationship I mean mostly "talking" and flirting and expressing actual interest for the other person. Very few times has it gotten physically  intimate and when it has I soon would end the relationship out of my discomfort. I notice that no matter the person, the feelings I originally think I feel (infatuation, crushes) start to fade and I feel less and less emotionally invested.

 

You pretty much described exactly how I used to be.

 

There are a few things that might be causing this, but if you are like myself and every other person I came across that identified as "frayromantic," then there's a good chance it's because you have avoidance issues. Perhaps you're like me, and you went through one or more traumas growing up. Maybe your parents got divorced, or maybe your parents were cruel. Maybe you became really attached to someone in your youth, and when they left it bothered you, possibly more than you realized. All of those situations and more could lead to avoidance issues.

 

BUT, I want to make it clear that I'm not saying that that's definitely what your situation is. I don't know your life story, and I definitely don't know what the cause is. I simply wanted to say that because, like I said, that's exactly what I went through for most of my life.

 

I don't want to clog the thread up with a bunch of jibber if you don't need it, but if you feel that avoidance issues might be the root cause, then I can tell you how I got through mine.

[NotPhoebe]

2 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

 

You pretty much described exactly how I used to be.

 

There are a few things that might be causing this, but if you are like myself and every other person I came across that identified as "frayromantic," then there's a good chance it's because you have avoidance issues. Perhaps you're like me, and you went through one or more traumas growing up. Maybe your parents got divorced, or maybe your parents were cruel. Maybe you became really attached to someone in your youth, and when they left it bothered you, possibly more than you realized. All of those situations and more could lead to avoidance issues.

 

BUT, I want to make it clear that I'm not saying that that's definitely what your situation is. I don't know your life story, and I definitely don't know what the cause is. I simply wanted to say that because, like I said, that's exactly what I went through for most of my life.

 

I don't want to clog the thread up with a bunch of jibber if you don't need it, but if you feel that avoidance issues might be the root cause, then I can tell you how I got through mine.

This is incredibly helpful to me actually because I have experienced various traumas throughout my life, including verbal abuse and parents separating. It does make a lot of sense that all of these things would be connected. I've never really heard of avoidance issues before you mentioned this to me. Would you mind elaborating more on avoidance issues? Also how did you seem to overcome yours?

[Starlit Sky]

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get back to you. I haven't been able to make it to the library in the past while, but I'm here now!

 

I'm really glad that you think that might be the cause--because while it's a journey that involves a lot of healing, it can be done. As it's something that bothers you, you'll be able to take an active role in helping yourself overcome it, which is something you wouldn't be able to do if it were from a sexual or romantic orientation.

 

Your abandonment issues ultimately stem from fear: fear of abandonment, fear of abuse, fear of not being loved or being lovable, etc., etc. Abandonment issues are close cousins to commitment issues (so close that sometimes they're mistaken for one another, in my opinion). I should be clear and say that this problem can stay with you for life in some cases, but it can be very diluted to the point where you don't have to worry about all the feelings just going "poof," and you'll be able to have a normal and healthy relationship. It is possible!

 

I fell in love with someone who made me feel safe. I trusted him completely. And it was that sense of safety, and that trust, that allowed the feelings to blossom and remain, and never fizzle out. Which makes sense, considering that avoidance / abandonment issues (they are different, but have similar effects in life, and I believe I should have been saying abandonment issues, not avoidance issues, so I'm sorry about that!) are rooted in fear.

 

After him, I realized that sometimes I would be a little interested in someone, and then I just wasn't anymore--and that's actually completely normal, even without any previous trauma affecting me. There were also times when those feelings wouldn't go away, because I felt safe, and because I seen a lot of compatibility and potential, and so on and so forth. Honestly, it's really hard pin-pointing an exact thing that helped me to overcome it (at least to the point where I don't have to worry about my feelings dying out before they go anywhere). There were a handful of things that helped me, and I'll try to point you to some of them.

 

• As I said before, I cultivated a feeling of safety. If I were you, I would locate exactly what you are afraid of, and then start a healing process from that. I was afraid of domestic violence, among other things, so I am hyper-aware of red flags in relationships. Perhaps you're afraid of love dying (separation, divorce), and so learning methods they use in couple's therapy could help, or learning the multitude of ways of keeping love alive.
• Learn what avoidance coping is. As I said above, I believe I made a mistake in my first post, and it's probably abandonment issues that affect you the most. Still, it's possible that you are subconsciously not allowing yourself to develop romantic feelings, due to fear, and that would be an example of this sort of problem.
• Learn about abandonment issues, and learn ways to overcome them.
• The following quote was my biggest problem, and in times when I'm not in a relationship and am talking to people I'm interested in, I recognize that I'm falling back into this old habit. If you recognize this in yourself, then make a conscious effort to focus on the GOOD and ignore the bad--unless, of course, the bad meets your deal breakers.

Quote

Sometimes it’s not the case that the match isn’t a good one; it’s that you don’t allow it to be. Your abandonment issues mean you focus on the flaws in your partner and ignore all their positive attributes. This way, when things finally go south, you can tell yourself they weren’t right for you anyway. You seek a perfection that doesn’t exist anywhere other than in your head.

• Learn about fear of intimacy in relationships.
• If it's possible for you, talking about this through therapy would likely be very helpful. (I didn't do therapy, but I'm suggesting it anyway.)
• Practice self-love, and learn to be confident in yourself. I feel that if things take a bad turn in my relationship (for example, we start to become too distant), I will be able to handle it well. Really well, even. Work on feeling that way about yourself, and in doing so it will ease your fears and anxiety.
• Know what you want in a relationship. Know the things that you NEED, and separate them from the things that you just want. For example, I've found that having a chivalrous partner allows me to feel safe in a way that few other things do, and because feeling safe is so important to me, I classify it as a NEED. Also for example, I love Harry Potter and like for my partner to enjoy it too, but that is not a need, it's a desire. Similarly, know the things that you cannot stand--deal breakers--and hold onto them. If it's important to you that they are advocates for LGBT+ rights, then don't ever settle for someone who isn't. Don't ever settle, period. You are worth it.
• Understand--and this is important--that you probably aren't going to fall in love by the first date, or the second date, or the third. Understand that you might be "just friends" with someone for years until they do something that strikes a cord with you, and suddenly you seem them in a whole other light. I wasn't very interested in my boyfriend when we first started talking, but now I couldn't be happier that I'm with him. Be patient. Even if there's not a whole lot of chemistry, if there's at least some chemistry, go on that next date. Keep in mind to focus on the GOOD and not the bad. Keep in mind that a date is just a date, and that it doesn't mean you're in a relationship.

I'm sure that there are other things you could do that I'm just not thinking about. At the end of the day, it's a healing process that takes some time, but I promise that you can start working now by focusing on the good qualities of people, rather than the bad, and remembering to take your time. You can go on a few dates without them being anything more than a date--remember that, and it will help you in remembering that you don't have to hit it off with someone right off the bat. Your story reminds me so much of what I went through that I feel certain that doing so will clear hurdles for you.