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Asexuality: my past and future relationships


VIKEESI

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I am 19; I have pretty much always known I was asexual. I wasn’t repulsed by intimacy as much as I am now. Due to my trauma I was made aware of sex and the like at a very young age, despite my own experience having never gone to that extreme.

 

In my first ever relationship, I was with somebody that I adored; he was funny, kind, supportive, attractive and successful. Even now, I sometimes think about how much I miss him. Yet, that adoration was not enough- I avoided meeting up with him because I was scared to kiss him. I was scared to lead him on, despite him always having known that I was asexual. We were together for eight months and met no more than five times because of my fear/ lack of interest in intimacy.

 

In my second (and last) relationship, I was with somebody that I had been close with via Twitter for nearly two years. We had always gotten along terrifically and I had a crush on him for over a year. On our first date, he initiated intercourse. I said- rather explicitly- that I did not want to and we could not, as my parents were also home. Really, I just felt that I needed to validate my feelings with a “real” excuse. He did not consider my feelings and continued, as he said he wanted to change my mind. This hurt me- though not until we split up-as I realized that my wishes were not being respected and that was my first ever time being that intimate. He knew of my childhood trauma, PTSD, asexuality, etc., and still proceeded after having been told not to. He did this four times, and that isn’t even the worst of it. He refused to wear protection because he “did not like how it felt.” Therefore, I had to spend over £60 on morning after pills because of his stupidity and selfishness. Each time, I cried myself to sleep and he would say “I don’t get why you’re upset,” sigh and go to sleep. After the fourth time, I left him and I am glad I did. The whole time, I was silently pleading for it to end.

 

I have had sex with a girl before and I rather enjoyed it, though I felt disgusted and guilty after (I was VERY young). I am sexually attracted to people but when it comes down to it, I woudn't ever actuyally want to have sex with them.

 

My point is: I do not like kissing if it is more than a peck, I do not like PDA, I am repulsed by intercourse/ foreplay/ the like. Is it normal to want to be with somebody, to have plenty of space, to almost be flirty friends as opposed to partners, and to never want to have sex? Another thing is post-masturbation guilt and disgust. Is it normal to cry/hate myself after I engage in such activities? Am I normal to be disgusted by bodily fluids? When I had sex, I didn't look at his penis once. Am I actually asexual?

 

I look at people who have sex as distracted and almost inferior (I know that is horrible of me). I also hate how asexuals are portrayed on TV as emotionless robots (IE Sheldon), and then they are always changed so that they were just "shy" or "scared."

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Sexual attraction without sexual desire is probably lithsexuality, which is part of the "asexual rainbow". Disgust by bodily fluids and sex is likely sex adversity or sex repulsion - and yes it is natural for someone with a libido and sex adversity/repulsion to be disgusted by their actions afterwards. Flirty friends sounds amazing. Do you want romance or not? 

I'll post some links for you to look into. :) 

 

http://asexualsanonymous.tumblr.com/glossary

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

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2 hours ago, Lichley said:

Sexual attraction without sexual desire is probably lithsexuality, which is part of the "asexual rainbow". Disgust by bodily fluids and sex is likely sex adversity or sex repulsion - and yes it is natural for someone with a libido and sex adversity/repulsion to be disgusted by their actions afterwards. Flirty friends sounds amazing. Do you want romance or not? 

I'll post some links for you to look into. :) 

 

http://asexualsanonymous.tumblr.com/glossary

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

I don't really care- I never want to settle down or anything. When I picture my fututre, it is just travelling with friends and never with a partner. I feel like it seals my independence and I get bored of people after a month. Flirt friends is my ideal! I have plenty aha ;) thank you for the links! This is my first time posting on this site but I have been lurking for a year or so! :) I'm Jaimee!

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14 hours ago, VIKEESI said:

I don't really care- I never want to settle down or anything. When I picture my fututre, it is just travelling with friends and never with a partner. I feel like it seals my independence and I get bored of people after a month. Flirt friends is my ideal! I have plenty aha ;) thank you for the links! This is my first time posting on this site but I have been lurking for a year or so! :) I'm Jaimee!

Jaimee, have you looked into aromanticism and squishes, because that might be what you're looking for :) 

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6 hours ago, Lichley said:

Jaimee, have you looked into aromanticism and squishes, because that might be what you're looking for :) 

I saw those on the link you had provided! I'm not aro, I do not think, as I enjoyed (to some degree) being with my first boyfriend, though not enough to make it last or to put effort in; could that still be aromantic or just me avoiding commitment? Squish seems nice but i do not know if it is what I like? I mean, strong platonic flirting is perfect but I still have feelings for that person until they return them. Then I just sort of distance myself.

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Hmm, if you have romantic feelings that disappear once they are returned you could be Lithromantic.

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