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Blue sun

What's exactly to be aromantic?

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Blue sun

I have never been in a relationship, I'm 22, I think of myself as someone really romantic in the sense that I love watching / reading / writing romantic stories. But I have never been able to feel a romantic connection with someone I think that maybe I'm picky and closed mind; all my friends have told me "oh don't worry, you will find love and it will change your mind and all the things you thought you were looking for" but I think it may not happen any time soon, also I feel so uncomfortable when someone is talking to me in a "nice way" just to get the chance to flirt with me or to start to get to know me, I just hate it. I always fantasize about finding a friend and developing a strong friend to then move intona relationship. Recently like 2 months ago I started to think about romantic relationships and discovered that I can totally see myself with a man and a girl (I used to just see me with man).

 

I have been feeling the need to experience being in a relationship but I can't push it, I can't pretend it, and I CAN'T feel it.

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Star Bit

When people call others pickey it isn't because those people DON'T feel romantically, it's because they DO but choose to not act on them for X reason. Someone who's a pickey eater still wants to eat food. Not feeling romantically isn't a choice, but picking IS. Being uncomfortable with unreciprocated advances is normal. You're old enough to call things at this point. Your friends are just spouting nonsense because they've never delt with an Aro before; it is rare.

 

To the title, Aro is when you don't feel romantically nor desire to be in a relationship. Thinking of what-if's and being a fangirl is irrelevant to WHO you wanna be with. A gay person can be a fan of opposing gender relationships or opposite (of their own) same gender duos. Same for straight ppl. Doesn't make em bi in the least. Thinking of what-if's is exactly just that. A straight person going "what if I were into the same gender, how would that pan out?", same if they were gay.

 

Are you saying you wanna be in a relationship now? Why? To be normal? To have a close friend because current friendship standards are low? Because people say it's cool/fun? (which it isn't; it's hard work with ups and downs and constant compromising)

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LadyWallflower

It is hard to label yourself as aromantic. I'm not 100% sure I'm aromantic, not like I'm 100% sure I'm asexual. But I'm pretty sure I am.

 

Like you, I've never really dated, and I've never once felt a spark or anything with another person. I've never really been interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone. Romance just doesn't make sense to me. That doesn't mean I haven't read about it or watched movies about it. Romance is everywhere, and you can read these stories and enjoy them and not be romantic yourself. Just like you can read erotica or watch porn and still be asexual. For me, romance makes sense in the world. When I read books, and someone is romantically in love with someone. It makes sense. I have empathy and can understand their emotions. Just because I'm aromantic doesn't mean I can't empathize with other people. I understand the romance when it comes to them. However, I have never once felt those emotions myself. I can understand it with other people, but with myself it doesn't make sense.

 

Strangely, people have assumed that I am a romantic person. I have been told that this is because I am emotional, sensitive, and kind. I write such supportive notes to people, I've been told. Obviously, I must be very romantic! However, a person can be full of emotions, can love and have kindness for many different kinds of people, and so on, and still be aromantic. Romance is only one kind of love, the world is full of many different kinds of love. So being aromantic doesn't make you cold or unfeeling. I am so full of emotions that sometimes I don't know what to do with them.  

 

This doesn't mean I don't get irritated with the sheer overabundance of romance stories. Sometimes I get so tired of them. I want stories of friendship! Of sisterhood! Of brotherhood! Of family! I do sometimes feel irritated in that sense. But not always.

 

Just because I'm aromantic doesn't mean I'm never going to date. I haven't dated as of yet. But I think one day I may. However, I'm more interested in queer-platonic relationship. I would love to have a super close companionship with someone, and perhaps co-habit a living space. I don't believe our relationship will be romantic. However, if the other person would prefer some romantic overtures, I would be fine with that. With that, I can compromise. I cannot compromise when it comes to sex, however. But that is just me personally.

 

For knowing you are aromantic, only you can tell for sure. According to your bio, I feel like you could be. But in the end, that decision is something you need to make yourself. Remember, you don't actually have to label yourself. You can just say you are asexual, and that's it (or you don't even have to label yourself as an ace). Only give yourself that label if it's what you want.

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Blue sun

You can't miss what you haven't had, I have heard people saying. Why am I missing the feeling of being in a relationship? 

I really encourage romance but haven't felt it myself, I certainly value all kinds of love, I love loving people and taking care of them, not matter who they are to me. I feel like wanting to be with someone to cuddle, kiss and just have that one very close friend that I know I can count on; but then again, I have never felt like going on a next step or even having romantic feelings with anyone I know, my close friends become my family or those souls that mine can relate to. I do get tired of romance now and then, for example almost all the songs out there are relationship based on, either loving, hating or saying goodbye, and I find that stressful like come on! Sing about life and enjoying a good time.

 

I'm not sure if maybe what I am feeling is like a pressure to be in a relationship, I know something and it's that I'm not ready for one,and if I had the chance I would rather traveling the world and forget about these nonsense. 

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Blue sun
7 hours ago, Star Bit said:

When people call others pickey it isn't because those people DON'T feel romantically, it's because they DO but choose to not act on them for X reason. Someone who's a pickey eater still wants to eat food. Not feeling romantically isn't a choice, but picking IS. Being uncomfortable with unreciprocated advances is normal. You're old enough to call things at this point. Your friends are just spouting nonsense because they've never delt with an Aro before; it is rare.

 

To the title, Aro is when you don't feel romantically nor desire to be in a relationship. Thinking of what-if's and being a fangirl is irrelevant to WHO you wanna be with. A gay person can be a fan of opposing gender relationships or opposite (of their own) same gender duos. Same for straight ppl. Doesn't make em bi in the least. Thinking of what-if's is exactly just that. A straight person going "what if I were into the same gender, how would that pan out?", same if they were gay.

 

Are you saying you wanna be in a relationship now? Why? To be normal? To have a close friend because current friendship standards are low? Because people say it's cool/fun? (which it isn't; it's hard work with ups and downs and constant compromising)

That's the question, I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship to "be normal" (not that I care about this), to have the experience or because I truly feel it (how can I want something I don't know? Maybe is just curiosity? )

 

I get scared when see someone who haven't see me in a long time, afraid if they will ask about a partner.

 

I just can resume this situation by saying that I want to love someone, see that person happy and in return have a supportive partner who I can share anything and not feel ashamed,be myself and be loved because of that, I want to feel the same in return. But I'm not capable of doing it, I just can't develop those feelings, when it comes to close friends I just can feel like a mother.

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cinary

I'm aro and I've never dated, but I do want to be in a relationship one day. It's not curiosity, it's no trying to be normal, it's not the peope telling me it's cool. It's me wanting to be someones number one person. It's having someone who always have time for me and have no time for my bullshit. It's wanting to always have someone to cuddle with and share my day with. It's having someone to fall asleep with and wake up with. It's having someone who supports me and encourage me and gets me as a person. And it's being all of that to this other person. 

 

A lot of people say that aros don't want to be in a relationship. Well, that's not true. Most of us don't want to be in a romantic relationship and don't feel the need to be in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that you can't want to be in one. 

 

Now, about not being capable of developig romantic feelings. Well, you don't have to have romantic feelings towards someone to be in a relationship with them. You just have to be in a relationship with them. That's it. You just haveto find someone that you feel all of the things you mentined towards. It's harder for aros, because we don;t have romantic attraction to move things along, but not imposible. Just takes more time and self-awarnes :) 

 

(this s just about the relationship bit because I think other posts coverd the rest quite nicely.)

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chandrakirti

Definitely aro here. I can appreciate a pretty/handsome face in the same way as a work of art, but there's no 'crush/squish' thing going on. Can't imagine ever wanting a romantic relationship as I'm probably incapable of having one. 

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Star Bit

@Blue sun @cinary It sounds like you desire a BFF or queerplatonic relationship (QPR), which is common for aromantics. Platonic relationships have gradually deluted over the decades, and especially so after the birth of social media. Back in the day QPRs were normal. Being maternal toward close friends doesn't sound satisfying because you're not at the same level; you can't disclose alot of things to a child (not that your friends are, but in mental perspective). I disagree about the Aro definition with cinary (that's like saying asexuals can desire sex, which according to AVEN itself, they can't), but they are right that you don't have to feel romantically to be in a romantic relationship. Wanting to be in a relationship despite being unable to feel any form of romantic attraction is called Cupioromantic/Gray-romantic.

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praetorius

I've gone my 32 years without being in any romantic relationships (or having any inkling to try for one). Even friendships are few and far between, and none "pour out your inner feelings"-close. Like "demisexual" is used to indicate the need for a long relationship before developing sexual attraction, I suppose I'm "demi-friendly" --- it can take me years of interaction before I start actually thinking of anyone as a "friend." And, for a long while now, the time I've started settling in to feel like I have friends and community connections is about when I'm kicked to somewhere else to find another precarious temporary job. I don't miss not having romantic relations; I do wish I could have a stable community long enough not to always feel like a transient outsider.

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helana12_03

I've been in a relationship before, but it felt extremely unnatural. Dating in general is just not my thing. I don't want to date anyone. 

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