I think I'm Asexual. My story. I'd love feedback and friends.

[Hcmorro]

It seems like I've always hated sex. Maybe because I was molested at a young age by my step-father. Then the second guy I had been with was not consensual, it was rape. I went on a drinking binge, had sex with any hot guy, and I never enjoyed it physically. One night stands fueled my self-esteem. There was only three guys out of my many that I ever had moments of enjoying it, one of them being the one I lost my virginity to. Now, I'm currently with living with my boyfriend and we just passed our 4 year mark. He's been my friend since high school. He would always be at the parties I was at, but I'd always leave with another guy. We had our moments of glancing at each other, but nothing ever happened until 2013 right after I broke up with a boy I had over the summer. We immediately hooked up. My old ways of sex for self-esteem kicked in, but I was also very attracted to him. Always had been. I never thought we would be together like this. He was different than all the other guys from our high school. He treated me with respect, never took advantage of me. He still tells me how he thought I was always beautiful, even when I went through my emo phase sophomore year and I had a mullet (it was real bad, I don't believe him). Anyways even though our sex life started immediately and "hot", I only did it so much because I liked him and our relationship was new, exciting. I was so happy to have him like I always wanted. It's like it was meant to be. There's plenty more I could say about how are relationship started, but this is about my sexuality. So time went on, we got more serious, moved in together, things got more casual.. it became easier to say no to sex, not worrying he would get annoyed (he really never has, my ex did all the time). Now.. we never have sex. Because of me. It's been over 3 months at least. He has to almost beg for oral, the one thing I can do comfortably because he doesn't have to touch me. It's hurting us so bad. Sure relationships aren't all about sex but it's part of it. And I'm dating the horniest man on earth. He always says, "I just want to make you feel good", and I cringe. Not because of him, just the idea of sex. I cry because I know it hurts him. He feels unattractive and unloved because I don't want to get physical with him. But I love him so much. I never have urges or a want to be physical with him even though I'm attracted to him. I've research asexuality for over a year and I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I am asexual. But I'm not happy I'm asexual. It's depressing. How am I supposed to be happy with this? I haven't told him. I don't know what to do. I also read asexuality is queer? So I'm queer too? I'm confused. And seriously, I don't know what to do. 

[Star Bit]

Your situation is very common. You need to tell him. Most sexual people aren't compatible with asexuals though, sorry. But there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and an asexual dating/friendship app called Aceapp. How are you supposed to be happy with your orientation being a minority? The same way gay people do it; you either hate yourself forever or you get over it and try to work with what's available. And asexual isn't queer. Some have tried positively reclaiming the word queer; some for "different" and some for "non-hetero".

 

You just need to sit him down and state everything explicit; no round abouts. You go "I recently realized I'm asexual; that I don't desire sex with anyone, and I am/am not willing to sexually compromise. The only reason I had sex before was because of X." If he accuses your rape of acusing it, tell him rape is sadly very common, and you had. no problems with it before, but like many asexuals, this lie/life of enduring something you've never desired is weighing thin. It's a breaking point for most sexual people. Relationships end; even the good one's. That's what you sign up for when you start them in the first place (same for getting a pet; most of em die before you do). Four years isn't that long in the scope of things either. But never stay in a relationship due to Fear, Obligation, or Guilt; those are relationship killers. Fearing the inability to find another person like him (people typically mature past highschool, so dating jerks again is less likely; unless that's your type), the Obligation of invested time and feeling like the affection you stated before was a lie, guilt for holding the reason why things won't work out. But it's no one's fault; incompatibility is just incompatibility. It sucks but it's how reality goes and it's happened to most people. Not every relationship ends because of hell fire; sometimes they're good things that need to end too.

 

There are options, but neither of you seem up for them. There's celibacy (which can take time to get used to but can work out better for some because they're not getting any at all vs. not getting enough). There's sexually compromising, and there are many ways to do it that you may not be aware of (I can list them), but you don't seem ok with it. There's an open or polyamorous relationship (two different things), but most ppl aren't into either. And there's breaking up, which is something that always exists; alot of ppl just forget about it or preach "never", but it happens anyway. Death is inevitable. But the point of life is to enjoy the time you had. You can certainly try things to work it out, but don't try for too long and waste even more time.